Quote:
Originally Posted by GaminDeBuci
Haven't heard from you in a while. I hope that all is going well.
Thanks, things are going alright, just hasn't really been anything new and I felt my posts as of late were getting somewhat redundant.
I feel bad posting things when I have a stroke of motivation/inspiration and then mostly not following through. I feel like I get in certain moods sometimes and try to change my whole life all at once. I make a post about moving on from poker, then soon realize I actually have no ****ing idea what I want or am looking for, or even why I'm looking (my actual life goals are usually not predicated on me doing whatever it is I've convinced myself I "need" to do in these moments of quarter-life crisis).
Then I'm back to some sort of poker routine. I am simultaneously happy and sad. Happy because I am addicted to the lifestyle poker affords me. Sad because I've once again failed to break out of poker, which I'm quite honestly not even sure is something I want. Poker allows me to live a pretty kick ass life but also has a relatively low income ceiling for me. I wonder if this even matters.
Perhaps its just the American achievement and consumerist culture that is making me feel inadequate for my income level. But I can't help but wonder if sacrificing some of my "poker freedom" for more income would actually boost my overall life EV. None of the options that I suspect would be more profitable seem to fit the bill because they all involve more work than I have passion for. So I usually end up right back where I started despite being exhausted from thinking about it all day or all week or all month, not to mention all the other crap I did to feel productive while avoiding actually doing anything actually productive (kinda like cleaning your house or organizing your closet to put off having to do that one thing you really should do but don't want to).
It could be that I'm just too lazy/unmotivated/etc. to make a change. Maybe poker stole the work ethic that made me salutatorian in high school, graduate college in 3 years, save up a legitimate bankroll working full time summers and part time school years at a grocery store and a golf course, and then make it in Vegas as a pro poker player. Maybe I can't see the big picture of taking one step back so I can take two forward. I have no answers to any of these questions. I'm trying to make sense of all the competing motivations I seem to have, figuring out which to follow and which to dismiss. For right now I'm playing poker for my income and trying wrap my head around what the income-producing portion of my life should look like.
Man that post was unexpected. I really just planned on saying I really have nothing to say, turns out that wasn't true. Anyways I should point out that the above described struggle really only relates to the "career" portion of my life. Everything else is pretty fantastic at the moment. I'm on a good diet/exercise routine and am maintaining a level of physical health that I feel is optimal for my goals and desired lifestyle. Due to putting in quite a bit of effort in the dating/social side of things in the last couple years, my personal life is the best its ever been, like by a lot. Besides that I read a lot and do mostly whatever I want. Life is good, I'm just struggling with how I want the income-producing part of my life to look like and how I want to execute it.
Last edited by cushlash; 04-25-2016 at 03:16 AM.