Don't get me wrong, it's not the stakes or bankroll management. I have that on lockdown. I play low sngs, I have a small stake online, I've read a million passages about bankroll management, how to move up, move down, take shots, etc. In fact, I've read and consumed tons and tons of material that I should be a pretty good poker player. Reading how other people talk about the game, I technically am based on HOW I play, but I can't seem to put in the volume that others do to show that I am. And that's why I'm so afraid to lose. **I've put in so much work/time and I identify as a good poker player, that I'm scared to lose because it will show me inside that I'm not.**

Life is so much easier than poker because there isn't one way to win or lose. Growing up comfortable upper middle class, but living dirt poor in my early 20s (guess it builds character or teaches me a lesson or w/e), I'm pretty detached from $$ being related to how good you are as a person. Being a good person is actually pretty easy because it's the main pathway towards having peace in your soul.

But in poker, you either win or you lose. You are defined if you are "beating the game at your level" by if you're winning or losing. And yeah, I see people's charts. Major upswings, major downswings, etc., but I can't seem to get in enough games to have those swings and put in enough hands. Hell, I've been studying the game since before Moneymaker changed the poker world forever. My poker library is immense and I've lurked more than most online, but I get this ****ty stress that is so powerful before I start up a game that I find myself wishing I was doing something else with my free time. Because I've put in so much work and it means so much to me to be a winning player...........................

Once the game starts, I'm ok. That's actually a different problem. I get bored too easily too fast. Not bored in a "I spew chips to get interested". Bored in a "Watch Netflix on the 2nd monitor instead of taking notes about other players because even the online game is too slow for my attention span". My play is actually rigidly locked up ABC poker. I don't make moves unless I know the other player well enough that the move has a high chance of working. I play position religiously and I don't play hands out of the BB unless I'm 3betting and I'm always 3betting for value unless I know the other player well enough to have a plan post flop. I'm an aggressive player, too. I Cbet often, but I know how to switch it up against a player who knows I Cbet too much and has check-raised me on the flop in a previous hand with what I suspect is air.

But I need have to figure out how to play more and to get comfortable sitting down at the table. And I have to figure out how to focus once I do sit down at the table. What would you guys do if you were in my shoes?

play more tables? maybe you arnt actually that good? do you not need the money?

its one of those 3 things. either way id try to fix one or all of those. i can focus on 1 $10 game for 4-5 hours without issue, because i desire to win.

I would also say play more tables. When I get bored quickly playing online, I play live. Is that an option?

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I tried to play poker for living for almost a decade here, as somepoint i though i success but actually not really. I feel you mate. I think who have ever play poker have been there at some point of their poker career. Someone get used to it, make some goal, self decipline, use some trick, etc to make money. Someone who could not get use to it, cant use poker as their living job. Just simple is that.

The variance is brutal sometime. I was running almost 1mil hands without hitting a single major downswing (>-40BI) in 2016 then 2017 + 2018 give me 4 major downswing. The feeling was losing everyday for months is just so stressfull. I scared to play, i couldnt put volume, but when i played i put 10hours C-game with empty head. It was so stupid. Im actually need to hide my balance at poker lobby and tried so hard to not see HEM. Im now using 200BI BRM (*** the 100BI BRM) and not giving a **** about how much i win or lose everyday. The swing was driving my emotion too much. Im saving my emotion for other stuff in my life now and see poker as my 2nd job. The game got easier from there.

The best advice i can give you there: You should hire a mental coach. You play poker so long so i think your skill probably wont be a prolem. Good luck in 2019!!