Let me start off by saying that poker is my life. I live, breathe, eat, sleep, poker. It's been like this for the last year. I want nothing more in my life than to be a well respected reputable player. A consistent winner. I play every single day. Usually in the evening as I work during the day. However I am losing night after night after night. I want things to change, I want to be a better player but it seems the more I play the worse in debt I go.
I started with poker in Sweden around 2008 playing super soft home games with friends which I never won, deep down I believed I was "really good". This sense of entitlement was based off of nothing. Probably played like 4 home games at the most. After 2008 I just didn't play poker for years.. Skip forward to 2015 and I become completely obsessed with watching pros play on youtube. I am unemployed all of 2015 and just spend every single day 16 hours a day watching phil helmuth, Phil Ivey, Tom dwan etc play a mixture of cash and MTT's. I decide I want to play as well. I join a poker website called replay poker. Since I have no money and no income of any kind I had to join a free website. At the time replay poker gave you 5 k fake chips. I worked up the 5k fake chips in to 5 million fake chips over the course of a couple of months. I remember joining an MTT on there and actually winning first place. It was exhilarating. I remember thinking "wow I am actually good, like actually good"
So I get a job in the beginning of 2016 and really just commit to it and just had a lot of things going on in life, poker wasn't a priority. Nov 2017 it really begins. The beginning of my poker career. Not realising what I was getting myself into. At that time I am finally at a point in my life where financially speaking I am doing okay. I have 0 credit card debt and have around $1000 to my name. I get serious about playing poker so I make my first deposit on the Americas card room. $40. I lose it. I think it's okay cause I've got more. I put in another $40. I lose that too. So I go hard and put in $150 thinking it's cause I don't have enough money on the website and that's why I am losing, (it can't be my play, right?). I lose all of it. This goes on for a couple of months. I have a lot of swings. At this time I didn't know the difference between MTT's and cash games. I was playing only cash.
I end up discovering the "scheduled tournaments" on Americas card room around feb 2018 and being playing MTT's which I have a lot more success in. Playing in MTT's made it possible to finally stop depositing and hitting 0 instantly. I am still losing playing MTT's but not nearly as much money. From Jan 2018 to around may I am down about 4-5 grand I believe. And then it happens, I Bink it. May 2018 I win 9k in an MTT. I am finally ahead. I am ahead about 2 k dollars. The win feels good and it doesn't take more than a month before i've lost all of my profit.
From may until today I've gone from positive 2 grand to negative -28 k playing on both Americas card room and bovada. I started studying theory like crazy end of may, and jumped on some facebook poker pages asking for help in my game. I believe in my mind i am becoming better. I review hands daily after sessions. It gets worse than it's ever been, I can't win i mean literally do not win ever when it matters. I keep losing. Every time i do win I can't manage to win again before I lose it all. I don't know what i am doing wrong I just want to be in that 5% of winning players. I still believe I can deep down inside.
I believe there is a couple of reasons behind this. 1 - I have god awful bankroll management. As soon as I win any nice amount (1k plus) I can't not manage it at all I ALWAYS end up losing it. I jump all over the place when it comes to mtt's buy in's ranging from $11-$260 and usually it's cash games that kill me which i have no discipline. 2. I obviously need to improve as a poker player but I feel like i have plateaued, or rather i will never be a winner always a loser no matter how i play my hands.
I want help badly, I am determined to make poker work. I won't quit. I want to become a winner. I know some of you have played with me on ACR and think i am scum bag piece of **** for some of the plays I've made but I KNOW i've made lots of terrible plays but I want to stop and make good plays to be a winner over the long run. Here is my sharkscope:
https://www.sharkscope.com/#Player-S...layers/zzz1221 and here is a video of me actually playing tonight. I was hoping it would be longer but I wasn't able to make it further. I guess another bad play...
https://www.twitch.tv/videos/353929680
I am thinking of making another video, same tourney but on igition instead of bovada. Anyway I intend to always record every session like this now and post it on here to see how i can better myself. Thanks for all the feedback and help.