JWhitt (and "FI") Dating/Relationship Issues Thread

[KingDan]

Nothing wrong with any of the cities you listed, but it's easy to overestimate somewhere when you only go for a few days. You go out every night, go to sporting events, go to great restaurants etc etc.

I don't know any off the top of my head, but there are DEFINITELY places you can go in NY where people will be very enthusiastic about sports.

[JWhitt88]

They don't really have a sports type of area in NYC like Chicago has in Wrigleyville or the Fenway Area in Boston.

Nobody is going to go to the Bronx and drink at Bronx bars before Yankee games routinely.

[ajrenni]

Originally Posted by JWhitt88

These girls have it so easy and perfect, too. They can just get in shape, dress well, and then have guys just chasing at them. They can then sit back, analyze, and judge the hell out of guys until they find a guy that they feel is perfect or they are super attracted to.

I used to think the same thing. What I have figured out is that the ratios really play out like this:

# of guys who have decent game > # of girls worth pursuing > # number of total guys out there pursuing these girls

Yes good looking girls have a lot of “choices” since they will be hit on by everyone, but for the most part they are being hit on/taken out by clowns. So they have to spend a lot of time weeding out the losers, which sometimes involves actually dating them.

Think of it this way. Imagine your friend invites you to go to some bar that you have never been to. You get in, adjust your eyes to the low light, and ugh it’s the fat chicks bar! The ratio of women to men is 3:1, and the women are dtf and happy to approach you, but it’s a whole lot of do not want. How happy are you with the hand you’ve been dealt? You know who is in the good spot here – it’s the one or two women who are actually pretty hot and just happen to be there, or who decent looking enough and have enough personality and game to get and keep a guy’s attention. If you want to get with one of these women, you are going to have to separate yourself from the pack in some way.

This is why people are always advising self-improvement and “inner game” and is what you ought to be taking out of this thread. It is not that you suck, but that there is always room for improvement, and that if you can figure a way to separate yourself from the mass of clowns that are chasing these girls, you will have the positional advantage.

Originally Posted by JWhitt88

And the Spanish girl was a girl I was going to cut loose anyway. She just beat me to it. I didn't like her at all. I just wanted to hook up with her for a little bit. And she's not completely done with.

As for this girl, it sounds like you guys don’t mesh anyway, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t a wasted opportunity. There’s nothing wrong with taking a girl out that you think is pretty but don’t have much of a connection with, just to see what happens. Any two individuals who have a minimal level of rapport and attraction should be able to go out and have a good time, and if you don’t have anything else going on, why not? But a much healthier attitude would have been not to look at her as a mere hookup but to see her as an opportunity to have good conversation, to get to know someone new, to maybe learn something about someone else or something else. Appreciate the people you are with for what they offer, and you might find that they have a lot more to offer than you thought.

As for the hookups with her, again a more healthy attitude would be to enjoy whatever fooling around you were doing, try to help her enjoy herself, and if you are bored and she isn’t into doing more, then give her one last kiss and say time to sleep, like others have suggested. Even better would be to find ways to make making out less boring without taking off her pants. There is a lot you can do with a girl if you are willing to be a little creative and attentive to her signals. If you can get her going without doing things that make her uncomfortable you may be surprised at how she responds to you disengaging. “Blue clit” is what a college friend once called it. And even if she doesn’t escalate herself, you will have put yourself in a position where she thinks well of you as a sexual partner and in general. You may have to bail on her as a dating partner due to lack of social and sexual compatibility, but if you do it with class and leave her with positive experiences to remember, she may end up as a positive member of an expanded social circle – someone who can introduce you to friends or at the very least, have a few friendly words with you at a bar when you run into her sometime down the road and enhance that particular evening.

[LucidDream]

Nice post AJ...by far the best post recently in this thread.

[JWhitt88]

Thanks, aj. Great post, that was actually well thought out, well written, and had advice listed. I appreciate the change of pace.

[JWhitt88]

I have to say that that post settled me down and got me thinking. I read it a few times. It was really refreshing to actually have somebody come in and write something with my best intentions instead of purposely slandering me and trying to push my buttons.

[DcifrThs]

Originally Posted by JWhitt88

I have to say that that post settled me down and got me thinking. I read it a few times. It was really refreshing to actually have somebody come in and write something with my best intentions instead of purposely slandering me and trying to push my buttons.

but yet, the takeaways/advice were all stated previously in this thread.

- improve inner game (which has a lot to do with the overall improvement suggested)
- improve physical game (getting the girl going without taking her clothes off/having sex)
- stop viewing women as something to be attained/game to be hunted and more as equals you can share commonalities with and have a good time with in general.
- stop blaming the outside world.

aj wrote it out really well but all this has been noted time and again by many posters. if you want to enjoy your life and improve your dating situation, you can't blame the outside world, blame your situation, blame your city, etc.

you can't view women as you do as it almost surely comes across in one way or another (multiple attempts to take her pants off for example instead of helping her enjoy herself as aj said or just going to sleep as others have suggested).

your actions and perspectives come from somewhere. to change your situation, you have to get to the underlying causes of those actions and perspectives.

so again, now given aj's post and his takeaways, what do you think you should improve and how are you thinking about improving it? (moving cities btw has nothing to do with this question).

[nitwitnit]

Its actually easier to meet people if you know people than it is to move somewhere else. What I mean is, if your goal of moving to a new city is to make new friends, you have a much better opportunity of making new friends where you currently are. Especially given that there are a ton of people in New York and a lot of stuff you can do that's fun.

and fwiw making friends is a lot of putting yourself out there, getting phone numbers, seeing what people are up to, and shooting yourself in the foot. New people that don't know you will sometimes be a dick to you for no reason, so you have to develop the attitude of not giving a **** when that happens. You have a ways to go in that arena. Generally being cool helps a ton though, then people actually want to be your friend and yeah.... everythings easier.

[NameOnTheCake]

they're talking about you boy...but you're still the same

[n00b590]

There are a few items that continually come up with regard to JWhitt (who I believe is a troll, though an excellent sounding board for the absurd level of groupthink in this thread):
1) The Spanish girl is a bigot. She has moved to America, yet makes little desire to embrace the culture, language, or anything else. JWhitt has reasonable ideas for the basis of a relationship (shared interests and an ability to communicate), yet there is an absurd level of cultural tolerance dick measuring (as Mittens has mentioned) ITT. Why should JWhitt date someone who has no interest in the culture of the country she's residing in? Why does he need to alter himself to suit her? She clearly has little to offer in regards to his social life other than being hot. Why do people think that he should settle for someone who is a bigot and unable to communicate effectively with him?
2) NYC may not be #1 #1 #1 for JWhitt. Others have expressed that NYC has clearly the best nightlife while others have expressed that some people "just don't cut it". Why does the sect continue to believe that it is the best for him? Perhaps he wants to drink Bud Light in dive bars while listing to 80s cover bands. The Midwest/South are far better for a person if this is their idea of "good nightlife". There are pros and cons to living in NYC. An outdoorsy type would hate the urban environment, while someone who prefers Broadway musicals above all else likely couldn't imagine living elsewhere. It is clear that JWhitt is poorly suited to the variety NYC has to offer so why are people trying to force these things on him?
3) While JWhitt is clearly someone's caricature of a person with problems, his usage reflects more on the people giving advice. Why is he eliciting such strong reactions? (Other than being absurd.) Do people project their own faults onto him? Why do they believe in broad general principles (communication, commonality, attraction) yet ignore these aspects when presented with an opportunity to appear more cosmopolitan on a relatively anonymous internet exchange?
4) The height discussion is clearly retarded. People use height as a proxy for physical prescience/power. Shawn Bradley does not have a greater physical presence than Shaq. In the same way, being of average height, but with broader shoulders would be preferred to a slightly above average height yet an extremely slight build. Though this doesn't even touch on the issues in comparison with women. Does it matter how you're perceived when out in society? In that case you'd need to be 3-4 inches taller than her to be the same height with heels (assuming a fairly reasonable heel size). If she preferred hooker heels then you'd need to be 5-7 to be around the same height or slightly taller. If not for the social perception, is there simply a practical reason? Someone doesn't have to strain their neck? You would feel awkward asking her for help getting things off tall shelves? Is it because you can't attract women that are taller due to lower social value?

If it is a simple case of preferring smaller women, much like preferring smaller or larger breasts, hair color, or an increased familiarity with internet memes; all those are fine.
5) I find it completely absurd that Dcifr who is a known bigot (expressed a preference for a Jewish woman) looked down on JWhitt for his practical reasons to not date a foreigner who didn't have a shared culture or an ability to communicate with ease. One person has a practical reason for not dating someone, the other wants someone on the basis of what race their mother is. Just because this sort of bigotry is common amongst his people does not mean that it is less racist and wrong. Perhaps this is why he projects such a strong reaction to JWhitt's lack of interest in other cultures? The strong racist in him projects his true feelings onto JWhitt. This is pure speculation, but the irony in someone who is such an overt racist mocking the Intelligent Bayesian view is delicious.

[stinkypete]

Originally Posted by n00b590

5) I find it completely absurd that Dcifr who is a known bigot (expressed a preference for a Jewish woman)

don't know how this caught my eye since i didn't even bother to read your (almost certainly retarded) post, but lol. ban this loser please.

[JWhitt88]

I will agree that people like samsonh and LucidDream have deep, deep seated issues and use this thread to cover up their own issue with women and self confidence.

LucidDream clearly gets shot down by women quite often (to basically all the time) and isn't nearly as awesome and successful of a person as he pretends himself to be. Anybody with a working knowledge of psychology can pick that up after reading 2-3 posts of his.

I'd also wager, if possible, that he doesn't have one girl after him right now and it's all this fake reputation that he sickenly gets off on daily.

His whole "I don't want to be a in a relationship" is an instant cover for no women have any interest in me whatsoever.

[LucidDream]

Given all your posts here I wouldn't expect you to think anything different about me.

You have already stated that you HATE me. You have proven to be delusional. You are not the type of person that is going to want to accept that other fairly average guys in many regards are doing better with women than you...especially one that you hate. Deal with it, it's dating...not conquering a country.

[JWhitt88]

I've never put someone on post ignore but if I was to, you definitely deserve it. Doesn't matter anyway, I laugh at whatever idiotic stuff you have posted about.

Unlike people that have come into this thread and discussed issues and gave out advice (Mittens, skunkworks, AJ, and noob recently) or what they would have done you differently you purposely disputed everything I said because you became obsessed with me in a perverse way.

Fortunately I knew from your initial posts your intentions were to use this thread to slander me as a cheap way to cover up all your faults. That's the sickest part. Using some dumb internet thread where I was 70/30 (serious to trolling) to psychologically bury the fact that you are a loser may have been a decent way to cover up your mental issues but eventually you'll have to face the facts.

Basically I'm supremely confident you have zero girls you are hooking up with and that you struggle with women. Nobody who is awesome with women would handle themselves like you did throughout this.

[LucidDream]

Originally Posted by JWhitt88

Unlike people that have come into this thread and discussed issues and gave out advice (Mittens, skunkworks, AJ, and noob recently) or what they would have done you differently you purposely disputed everything I said because you became obsessed with me in a perverse way.

I actually basically agreed with the last thing you posted in the other dating thread. It's just that most of the stuff you post itt is ridiculous as everyone else that has read through this whole thread has told you as well.

Originally Posted by JWhitt88

Fortunately I knew from your initial posts your intentions were to use this thread to slander me as a cheap way to cover up all your faults. That's the sickest part. Using some dumb internet thread where I was 70/30 (serious to trolling) to psychologically bury the fact that you are a loser may have been a decent way to cover up your mental issues but eventually you'll have to face the facts

My initial posts weren't even made itt as it didn't even exist. ElD went and pulled all your posts and relating posts out of the other thread to make it more readable since your posts were driving 80% of all conversation there. I was actually very civil with you for several months until your claims about basically everything...NYC, women, guys, places to go out, got so over-the-top negative I just stopped being so polite with you. I actually for awhile thought you were reasonably likely to be trolling so I really stopped being polite at that point.

Originally Posted by JWhitt88

Basically I'm supremely confident you have zero girls you are hooking up with and that you struggle with women. Nobody who is awesome with women would handle themselves like you did throughout this.

I don't really care what you think. Having you believe me or not doesn't get me any more or less girls so it really doesn't concern me.