Dating/Relationship General Advice Thread - Volume 9 --Spring 2010 Edition - Page 9 - EDF Forum

Thremp · 04-19-2010, 10:42 AM

I just think its a ridiculous projection that one night stands are bad, and the hygiene stuff comes off very Bateman-esque.

Sciolist · 04-19-2010, 10:42 AM

Well, I think we can safely sum this up as: If you think one night stands are a bad idea, don't do it. If you think one night stands are a good idea, do do it.

Le Alexandre · 04-19-2010, 10:46 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Thremp

I just think its a ridiculous projection that one night stands are bad, and the hygiene stuff comes off very Bateman-esque.

I didn't say that one night stands (ONS) were bad I just said that I don't prefer them, have all the ONS you want I don't care. But you can't deny that there's a legitimate risk that the hygiene on a really drunk girl is sub par. No I never do oral or w/e first time with a girl but still.

I read my post again, can be interpreted as if I hated on ONS. I don't. lul wut.

themob · 04-19-2010, 10:52 AM

Alright, so i had/have been dating this girl for almost 3 months. It was a very fast relationship both physically and emotionally. Things progressed much faster than normal and she came with me to vegas for a week less than 3 weeks after our first date but we had talked and met before then.

When we get back, she has the "exclusive" talk with me a few days later and i do like her so i say ok though i don't know if that's a mistake because it is very soon. In the meantime i had been talking to other girls, but had not dated or hooked up as in my mind that's cheating. She finds out and gets mad/hurt, standard girl stuff, and says she doesn't trust me and i guess we break up. I don't think that's fair but i talk and go out with a girl in the meantime. 2 weeks later we talk and i get back together with the original girl and things are ok, and then the girl i went out with sends her a message (i guess she saw a pic with both of us and found her?) and tells her all kinds of things about me how i was dating other girls and not to trust me.

So i'm left here, with a girl i like who is freaking out about all this and a crazy girl who is either jealous or mad or something. What's my play? It has been a week since this went down and we have had rough patches. It has not been 2-3 months of perfect relationship but i do like her and i think there is serious long term potential. I may have drunk texted her this weekend with no reply and i called yesterday to explain that but she didn't answer. She has lots of emotional baggage from previous relationships and i am sure that is what is causing her major trust issues with me.

I was going to just move on but i have been thinking about her all weekend and i have given space i think there is a limit to how much time i can wait before making a move. I was thinking flowers, suggestions for what to write?

Thremp · 04-19-2010, 10:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Le Alexandre

One night stands are usually a bad idea, (unless you haven't had sex in a really long time) the sex is usually pretty bad and also I'm a pretty big nit on hygiene with girls I don't know, so I would pass. If you find her attractive show interest and try to get her to be a FWB.

Very true.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Le Alexandre

I didn't say that one night stands (ONS) were bad I just said that I don't prefer them, have all the ONS you want I don't care. But you can't deny that there's a legitimate risk that the hygiene on a really drunk girl is sub par. No I never do oral or w/e first time with a girl but still.

I read my post again, can be interpreted as if I hated on ONS. I don't. lul wut.

First. This type of "I didn't say that" type silliness annoys me to no end. Its just trollish and dumb.

Second, the argument about hygiene is completely absurd. Sometimes I don't shower when I go out, there isn't a correlative between how drunk I get and whether I showered. It may actually be somewhat inversely correlated. But its a extremely peculiar and bizarre reason to bring up as anything more than some sort of weird personal quirk.

Henry17 · 04-19-2010, 11:08 AM

To each there own but one night standards are certainly not a bad idea.

As for drunk it really depends on what you mean by drunk -- really drunk to the point where she is not really competent I don't know if most guys would pass but you should. There is something morally icky about it. If you have had sex before then that is different but first time and she is so drunk she doesn't know what she is doing no. It is also bad for your reputation -- you don't want to be the creepy predator who takes advantage of girls.

panda · 04-19-2010, 11:15 AM

themob: so the only problem between you two is that you saw (or spoke to) other girls in the periods of time that the 2 of you were definitely not in a relationship? If so, that's her problem not yours.

However, it is a possibility that she believed you were in a relationship before you made it official (a week together so quickly in Vegas would do that) and/or that you weren't really broken up for that week or 2 where you thought you were.

edit, guids; also, they did get him fired.

VanVeen · 04-19-2010, 11:16 AM

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Like today in Panera Bread if there was a girl sitting at a table with a group of people, who I knew was a good girl for me

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Like I was at a couple parties recently and there were a handful of girls who liked me and wanted me to hit on them, but I feel like it is beneath myself to try pursuing a random girl if she opens me but then waits for me to pursue her.

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At the party most people were jerks anyway.

bruiser,

you know absolutely nothing about any of these people. what superficial indicators does a future girlfriend or friend have? how can you tell when someone is just playing a Jerk or a Bitch because it's how they maximize fun and/or minimize embarassment when playing social games with strangers? i'll answer those questions for you: 'they are not consistent enough for you to know them' and 'you can't, especially with your low social IQ'. stuff like, 'i would totally go over there if i thought she was worth it', are just bull**** lies you tell yourself and everyone (trust me, everyone) knows it.

you dont hit on girls or chat with your fellow partygoers because it is allows you to win without playing. you get the self-esteem boost of a favorable interpersonal comparision, e.g., you're smarter or wittier or deeper than they are, and you don't have to risk anything (read: delusive self-image) to get it. it is the most common (by far) low-risk, low-reward strategy of the socially incompetent.

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Also I know based on experience she probably won't be anything special.

pay attention to how much more entertaining everyone seems when they're in the company of a skilled conversationist. phrased differently, maybe it's you, not them.

bruiser, spend five minutes and figure out why you hate me so much (which is hilarious). i think you might accidentally learn something about yourself.

Henry17 · 04-19-2010, 11:22 AM

themob

The whole thing seems way too ****ed up to deal with three months in. I would do nothing -- if it resolves itself great if not move on but let her make the decision if she wants to contact you.

I think what the situation highlights is the need to be upfront with people. I have been in similar situations a lot of times and no girl would ever do that. I've been on dates and run into other girls I was dating and nothing. For a girl to go message someone she got hurt which means she was either emotionally immature / damaged or you failed to signal properly.

Also get better privacy settings on Facebook. You should have everything as locked down as possible.

themob · 04-19-2010, 11:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by panda

themob: so the only problem between you two is that you saw (or spoke to) other girls in the periods of time that the 2 of you were definitely not in a relationship? If so, that's her problem not yours.

However, it is a possibility that she believed you were in a relationship before you made it official (a week together so quickly in Vegas would do that) and/or that you weren't really broken up for that week or 2 where you thought you were.

I think both these things are true. I was talking, i hung out with 1 girl that i had met before she and i were dating in January. She basically had a breakdown in front of me and it was clearly over but i guess i wasn't allowed to move on so quickly?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Henry17

themob

The whole thing seems way too ****ed up to deal with three months in. I would do nothing -- if it resolves itself great if not move on but let her make the decision if she wants to contact you.

I think what the situation highlights is the need to be upfront with people. I have been in similar situations a lot of times and no girl would ever do that. I've been on dates and run into other girls I was dating and nothing. For a girl to go message someone she got hurt which means she was either emotionally immature / damaged or you failed to signal properly.

Also get better privacy settings on Facebook. You should have everything as locked down as possible.

I have it locked down but all the girls had friended me. I have since deleted any of the randoms but girls in my age range 20-28 are all over the facebook friending.

I think if i do nothing then it's done. I avoided contact all week and called yesterday with no answer. She's clearly hurt by it all and fair enough i screwed up. I know she can come back around, she already has once.

sayid_the_saviour · 04-19-2010, 11:36 AM

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Originally Posted by Karak

Is it possible that everyone just hates you and the way you act, and you write it off by saying you naturally feel an odd contempt for everyone else?

I'd seek a therapist or doctor to talk to about this. Maybe it's some form of social anxiety.

there is 0% chance this has any relevance at all. i am different than other people but i am not looking to erase everything that makes me special. thanks for trying to project your insecurity into my situation though.

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Like I was at a couple parties recently and there were a handful of girls who liked me and wanted me to hit on them,

also in context of everything else you shared i find this extremely hard to believe

again, karak, you are completely wrong and don't understand this situation at all.

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if you hold contempt for people you will never appreciate and understand what makes high socially valued person high value. sit and watch the social dynamics at play without any preconceived egotistical notions. watch it completely objectively.

i am going to stop responding to these types of posts after this one, but again, thank you very much mystery but i graduated from pick up school a long time ago and this has no relevance to my situation.

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sayid_the_saviour

Did people pick on you a lot in school?

in elementary school and junior high school yes. but after that no. where are you going with this?

Thremp · 04-19-2010, 11:41 AM

Henry,

I think there are some interesting aspects to the "When do I **** this ho?" wrt her being super drunk. I think mostly its just a minefield of negative skew where you could either sex a drunk girl (woohoo?) or severely damage your reputation and look like a predator. I'm not sure where I'd draw the coinflip of probability, but destroying my social value for a relatively mundane "win" seems bleh.

There is also a question of how drunk. Like is she visibly and obviously super hammered? Do I wonder if she's gonna puke on me? Pass out? etc? All these things lend themselves to insta abort, whereas some people use "drunk" to imply that I'm slightly above the level where I shouldn't drive. This standard would be absurd.

I guess after some quick thought, if she's visibly intoxicated (I could tell from looking across the room). I would think its a bad decision. I don't know... maybe just get as drunk as she is? Weird problem once out of college. In college, whatev... happens.

VanVeen,

He hates me as well. I guess it means I'm doing something right.

themob,

She's nuts. The idea that you can't even flirt/hang out with other girls when you aren't together is lol.

Bruiser,

People still pick on you. You're just not noticing it.

themob · 04-19-2010, 11:48 AM

I think there was a lot of assuming after we started talking and hanging out again that we were together without actually discussing it.

I understand it's messed up and everyone i know is telling me to walk away yet here i am, trying to win her back. I haven't really been in a relationship longer than a few months in years. I have to prove to myself that i can.

If she isn't returning a phone call, what's the harm in random gesture like flowers. Come on... all girls like that right?

tmcdmck · 04-19-2010, 11:48 AM

bruiser you are special as in special needs, not special forces. if you are anything like the way you are on twoplustwo in real life (which you must be, unless you an ericw gimmick), the reason you find yourself unable to connect with people is not because you are some sort of overman or byronic hero separated by a magnitude of awesome, sensibility and perceptiveness from the general populace, but because you really really suck.

i mean which is more likely: you sucking, or the whole world failing to recognise your awesome?

Thremp · 04-19-2010, 12:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by themob

I think there was a lot of assuming after we started talking and hanging out again that we were together without actually discussing it.

I understand it's messed up and everyone i know is telling me to walk away yet here i am, trying to win her back. I haven't really been in a relationship longer than a few months in years. I have to prove to myself that i can.

If she isn't returning a phone call, what's the harm in random gesture like flowers. Come on... all girls like that right?

Its like the previous discussion of the word "creepy". There is an extremely fine line between outright stalking and being a hopeless romantic. The difference is purely in whether the girls likes your behavior or not. Waiting for some girl after work to surprise her with flowers is thoughtful if she likes you, you're a prowler if she doesn't. Despite the intentions and actions being identical, its her perception of you that defines how the encounter goes down.