Dating/Relationship General Advice Thread - Volume 9 --Spring 2010 Edition - Page 72 - EDF Forum

Mittens · 07-06-2010, 06:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VoraciousReader

You might ask her how she'd feel if every time she left the house you logged onto some girl's Facebook page and mooned over her, and then told all your friends about this girl, and then told her she didn't have the right to ask you not to spend time with this girl you're mooning over. It's just barely possible she'll have enough respect left for you that the example might shock her back to her senses.

But I wouldn't count on it.

I completely agreed with everything you've written on this until the part I just quoted. This course of action is one of those that I was referring to that might preserve the relationship, but again I don't think that outcome is consistent with OP's happiness. It will be a very flawed relationship going forward given what's happened and even moreso if OP has to badger her into remembering to respect him.

El Diablo · 07-06-2010, 06:10 PM

Mittens,

If you're really interested in this girl and think there's relationship potential/connection/etc, I'd probably give her one last text/call and see what happens. Especially if you did more messing around than talking/getting to know each other when you went out.

If you're sorta whatever about the girl, I wouldn't bother contacting her again. Maybe include her in your next mass going out text/email/invite at the most.

Mittens · 07-06-2010, 06:15 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by El Diablo

Mittens,

If you're really interested in this girl and think there's relationship potential/connection/etc, I'd probably give her one last text/call and see what happens. Especially if you did more messing around than talking/getting to know each other when you went out.

If you're sorta whatever about the girl, I wouldn't bother contacting her again. Maybe include her in your next mass going out text/email/invite at the most.

I mean, I wouldn't date her exclusively but that's just because I'm young (24), but I did like her.

I was thinking of calling her on Thursday early while I'm out with friends and asking if she wants to join us. The idea being that if it's a boyfriend thing / a moving too fast thing she can still allow herself to come under a different social pretext. I was also planning on completely ignoring the fact she didn't respond before if she does respond this time. I'm pretty confident that she is attracted to me, so I'm guessing one of those two was the issue. Thoughts on that line?

VoraciousReader · 07-06-2010, 06:16 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mittens

I completely agreed with everything you've written on this until the part I just quoted. This course of action is one of those that I was referring to that might preserve the relationship, but again I don't think that outcome is consistent with OP's happiness. It will be a very flawed relationship going forward given what's happened and even moreso if OP has to badger her into remembering to respect him.

I agree, but I don't think OP is ready to completely write the relationship off based on the tone of his posts. If he gives it one more try he can tell himself that he legitimately made every effort possible to maintain the relationship.

I think it's likely just going to prolong the breakup, but there is also something to be said for being able to look back without wondering "what if." You and I and others may be 100% certain that this girl's behavior has been completely unacceptable at almost every decision, but it doesn't mean much if he doesn't agree.

Mittens · 07-06-2010, 06:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VoraciousReader

I agree, but I don't think OP is ready to completely write the relationship off based on the tone of his posts. If he gives it one more try he can tell himself that he legitimately made every effort possible to maintain the relationship.

well I guess we still agree, but I tend to believe in the overwhelming power of anonymous internet advice to shock him into doing something that is likely contrary to his emotions but for the best. I think he's looking for an out to maintain a relationship, and giving him one isn't going to help, even if it's what he thinks he wants.

The 13th 4postle · 07-06-2010, 07:24 PM

Punch Mario in the face and tell him to stay the hell away from your girl.

carnivalhobo · 07-06-2010, 08:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The 13th 4postle

Punch Mario in the face and tell him to stay the hell away from your girl.

this is my reaction, and break up with her too.

welcome to the usa mother****er

VReality · 07-07-2010, 02:20 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lamaru

We've sort of came to an agreement that she'd only hang out with him if I'm also there with him and her friends. She says she'd rather if I wasn't there because it will be weird (lol) and that she'd probably still resent me a little (and I'd obviously rather she didn't hang out with him at all), but that she's okay with me coming if I need to. Thoughts?

Regardless of whether or not you "act controlling", or whether or not you insert yourself into her new relationship, the fact is that you are now a limiting factor in her life.

You can choose to act one way or chose to act another, but either way, the fact that you're in her life means that either she can't do what she wants or she'll feel guilty about doing what she wants.

Bottom line: This is not the relationship you want.

There is only one thing to do. Cut it off. Period.

You can talk to her, be all open and honest, make her see things your way, help her chose not to be so disrespectful towards you and the relationship, etc., etc., But if you do that, you'll just continue to be wallowing in this same crap forever.

The only thing to do is cut her off. Maybe she'll go chase this new dude. Maybe that'll work for her for a while. Maybe it won't. Maybe when you take decisive action she'll realize that she's really way more interested in you than she is in him. Or maybe she'll realize that at some point down the road. Or maybe she never will. But the only hope for a healthy, stable relationship with her, is if she finally, truly does.

And here's the important point: That'll probably never happen, but it'll surely never happen if you let the current relationship drag on, and continue to be a hindrance in her life. And it'll only ever happen if you're the one taking the initiative here rather than enabling, hindering, or whatever lack of decisive action may lead to.

Sit her down. Tell her that she's clearly interested in this guy and that your relationship is getting in the way. Tell her that's not a relationship you're interested in having. When she starts crying and says she's sorry and she'll do whatever you want, tell her you know but she needs to be doing what she wants. Wish her the best, and go find somewhere else to be and something/one else to be doing.

Make a clean break. If you get back together in the future, your current decisiveness will have brought to the new relationship a different dynamic and understanding. But unless you really hate yourself, don't stick around in this one.

And now for some out-on-a-limb over-stretching speculation. It's possible that all this "complete honesty" and openness is part of the problem. People may not like the idea, but the fact is that many women instinctively prefer an "unequal" relationship, with the man in charge (evolutionarily speaking, such a relationship would probably provide a survival advantage).

It's fine for you to admire her more attractive qualities, and to put her on a pedestal in some ways. But the dynamic that leads to you responding to this situation by talking through your feelings with her and bargaining for points of order in her new relationship, may very well be too much castration for her. She may be looking for someone with a little more mystery and control; a dynamic she can more easily get by pursuing someone.

But this is probably too detailed an insight, from some anonymous internet stranger, to have much hope of any real accuracy.

Thremp · 07-07-2010, 04:08 AM

She stopped being "your" girl the moment she wanted to get plowed by that swarthy lothario and took steps to make her fantasy a reality. Whether you acknowledge this fact is up to you, but trying to portray that you're in some sort of exclusive relationship with someone actively seeking to take a length from other guys makes me lul.

aarono2690 · 07-07-2010, 04:09 AM

Ex-GF sent me a text earlier tonight. We were in a 2 year relationship before I ended it with her. We havn't really talked much since the breakup so this text is out of the blue.

"so somehow a shirt of mine I'm wearing to bed smells like you. Just wanted to let you know."

What do I even say to this? I thought about not even responding but seems to be an open door for possible sex.

mikekelley · 07-07-2010, 04:12 AM

lol aarono.

She misses you and probably wants you back. Why'd you end it?

Thremp · 07-07-2010, 05:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by aarono2690

Ex-GF sent me a text earlier tonight. We were in a 2 year relationship before I ended it with her. We havn't really talked much since the breakup so this text is out of the blue.

"so somehow a shirt of mine I'm wearing to bed smells like you. Just wanted to let you know."

What do I even say to this? I thought about not even responding but seems to be an open door for possible sex.

Were you wearing it the last time I hit that ass?

Jabonator · 07-07-2010, 10:31 AM

Posted this in another thread a while back, didn't get any advice, thought I'd try here:

First, some basic knowledge of me. I'm 19 years, and a small guy, 175cm, less than 60kg. I'm really musical, which I think should work in my favor with girls in general. I'm also social, have lots of friends from different groups, but although I'm outgoing, I haven't ever been that good with women. My town is dual-lingo, there are Finnish and Swedish speaking people. I like to go out, and party with my friends if there's any reason to do so.

I'm really into this one girl at the moment. Although I really am as small as I said, she's realyl petite, like 160, so even my height shouldn't be a problem here. We originally met at a friend's birthday party (he's Swedish talking as is the girl, I'm not). I came at the spot, went to congratulate my friend and she came to me introducing herself and asking who I was, smiled, etc. Then, another friend of mine came and kind of interfered us, and I got the impression that they might have had something going on, so I pretty much left it at that. Still, I found myself thinking about her afterwards, as she was very hot (ldo), and also, thinking about how she initiated the whole thing.

Then for a long time I didn't really see her, I don't think I even remembered her name. Then one time after a party at the local night club, she was there, I approached the group she was in at the dance floor, and we danced together for sometime. After that she always smiled at me when she passed me by at the bar. I felt good. Sadly, I was rather busy with all kinds of **** that night, and towards the end of the night, I saw less and less of her.

After this, I saw her occasionally at the bar whenever I went there, but it almost seemed like she was avoiding me. I got confused about it all.

Then, yesterday, I graduated from high school. At night, with my suit on, and the cap, that represents the graduation, on my head, I headed to a local summer restaurant with a nice grass park by the sea next to it. We had already taken a few with different groups of friends and I was moving around, congratulating everyone else and so on, just socializing in general. I noticed her when I was talking to a friend, and thought she saw me too, but I didn't go and talk to her. Then after I had moved away from there, she came to congratulate me, saying that she just saw me and had to come. She hugged me. She had graduated from one other school the day before, so I congratulated her too, chatted her up, I think I even got her to laugh. Then after some time, she returned to her friends. Again, later that night she greeted me with a smile whenever we met.

Finally, we both seperately went to the same night club with our friends. After watching her on the dance floor for a while, I went to dance with her and she smiled and said it was about time I hit the floor. Then she went to grab a drink. After I noticed she had got her drink, I asked her to rejoin me on the dance floor, but she declined. Again, slowly, I saw less and less of her.

She just keeps giving me mixed signals, and I'm not quite sure what to make of it all.

----------------------------

I know, tl;dr. But if someone has something to say, it would be highly appreciated. Feel free to ask, if you think you're missing out on some important info.

Cliff notes:
-I like a girl
-She gives mixed signals
-I'm lost
-FML

Mittens · 07-07-2010, 10:37 AM

I'll give advice in a second but just for everyone else's reference he's 5'7, 132 lbs in US terms; I know I couldn't read the rest of the post until I figured that out.

Mittens · 07-07-2010, 10:41 AM

You don't really give enough detail on your interactions, and it's hard to tell if you were flirting with her or just talking. How were you dancing? You should really take charge of escalating the situation if you want it to go somewhere, start by seeing if she wants to do something that doesn't involve randomly running into each other. Basically, it doesn't seem like you've done enough here to really have a question, unless we're just missing details.