Dating/Relationship General Advice Thread - Volume 9 --Spring 2010 Edition

[Russ M.]

Ok I need what seems like should be some simple help here.

Met this chick through Match a few weeks ago. We met for drinks first, things went well, I felt I was pretty confident/funny/interesting. She's from Sweden originally and living in Florida so I thought that taking her to a skating rink for our 2nd date (first real date really) would be cool and show some outside-the-box thinking. I'd never skated in my life so I thought it was good to show some vulnerability. During the night, we had lots of laughs and kino was seemingly going both ways. Again I was (in my estimation) showing that I was a fun guy, displayed confidence, etc. We kissed a bit at the end but nothing serious.

I texted her the next morning (Sunday) briefly to follow up on a topic we had discussed, then tried calling her Tuesday, but she didn't answer. No big deal I thought. I called her again Thursday or Friday, no answer again. Hmm. Ok. She did text me eventually saying she was preparing for a 5K run and would text/call me sometime Saturday or Sunday. Alright then.

Monday rolls around and she sends me a message on FB that she's sorry she didn't text/call me but she spent the weekend recovering. Then she follows that up with this:

Anyway, also wanted to tell you that I have decided to hold off on dating for a while (I cancelled my membership and took down my profile end of last week). Multiple reasons and I would be happy share any or all of them with you if you are interested :-). I think you are a great guy and I would love to remain friends but I want to be honest and not mislead you.

So it seems I've been put on the friends ladder. I accepted it and pretty much moved on. About a week later she messages me about giving her tennis lessons (something we had talked about before) and she's still giving me these mixed messages that I'm 100% sure I'm misinterpreting because I'm a textbook AFC. We've also talked about going to Orlando to this new Harry Potter theme park that just opened as she's a big HP fan and we have an outstanding bet that she must ride on a roller coaster with me and I have to wear a Halloween outfit of her choosing during that time of year. She's doing a lot of talk about living by herself and feeling alone which leads me to give her horrible answers that I only realize I do after the fact.

Anyway, I feel like I'm massively failing at everything but I also feel like she hasn't totally given up on me as she's been very willing to hang out with me lately doing various things. I feel like I know that the best play here is to just start ignoring her more but I need you guys to tell it to me. She has been divorced (a subject I have not gone into with her yet) so I suppose its possible she has relationship issues but that's probably my AFC side talking.

cliffs: I suck at life, need EDF help.

[VReality]

Originally Posted by brushbackz

Not really looking for advice because I know I have to move on but I need to get this off my chest somewhere...
...This should have probably ended a lot sooner but, I guess we like misery?

Sometimes if we're selfless enough, insightful enough, and clever enough we can help each other grow through personally hindering issues. But sometimes we can't. Even trained professionals with lots of experience can't always help someone overcome their hangups.

So this time it ended up being too much for the two of you. But probably the most important thing to realize (from what you've shared) is that both of you had personal issues which probably didn't have a whole lot to do with each other.

The jealousy was too much for her in this case. But the jealously will continue to dog her in future situations too.

And for your part, the undeserving feeling will probably pop back up again with other people. Unfortunately, I don't know quite how to deal with it, but I'm pretty sure that the first step is recognizing it, and realizing that it's probably not entirely rational, and wasn't really caused by some sort of genuine lack of merit on your part in the relationship.

(Just to clarify, feeling guilty for doing something wrong, and feeling regret for causing irreparable damage might both be natural reactions to "things that happen", but feeling undeserving of a person or relationship is deeper, more personal, and less likely to have been caused by anything you did or failed to do. Things that happen just become a rationalization for how you feel about yourself.)

[Harry Potter Jr.]

Originally Posted by M0n3y0nf$r3

Re: Mr Bump

"What do you guys do when you meet a girl that you like but you have no idea if she is single or not and have no way of finding out before making a play "

I recommend never asking. I don't care if she has a BF, he's got nothing to do with me. Girls leave relationships for other guys or cheat on casual BF's all the time. Ceasing contact or becoming instaplatonic will leave a lot of value on the table.

Make a habit of always asking 1 important question a couple of minutes after opening a 3+ set: "and... How do you all know each other?"

Always assume she is single and if she does give you the "I have a boyfriend line," I like to use the "I understand. We'll be discreet line..." From my experience gaming up 9s and 10s ... they will lie about having a boyfriend more often than not, as an almost auto-programmed response... Oh, and I'd also say to try and cut that thread, and change the subject to something else quickly as well, and don't ask her questions about him and humanize him ... he might not even exist!

GL with the ladies...

[Harry Potter Jr.]

That didn't hurt a bit

[guids]

Originally Posted by Karak

One of my best guy friend's little sisters (she's only a couple years younger than us) indicated a lot of interest in me and wants me to call her when I get back in town. I'm certain her brother isn't aware of anything that developed.

Do I have a responsibility to talk to my friend about this? Before or after I ask her out? Can't say I've ever been interested in the sister of a friend before.

It's worth noting my friend comes from a very, very conservative/traditional Christian family. While he is certainly not like his parents, he's much more conservative than I am (hard to believe, I know) and is aware of most of my history with women. I have a feeling his sister isn't quite as conservative and would be a good-ish match for me.

I don't have any siblings, so it's sometimes difficult for me to understand sibling relationships. I'd appreciate any insight.

I dont know about younger sisters, but Ive dated my roomates/childhood friends older sister, and I didnt ask until after it was pretty clear what was going on. I didnt really even ask, I just said, listen, I like your sister, you probably know that we have been seeing eachother, obv Im not going to do anything to hurt her, I just want to double check you are cool w/ it. there was no problem w/ it, but we were all good friends and hung out all the time beforehand

[Henry17]

I'm curious about the asking / talking to friend about sister -- if he has an issue with it would it actually be enough to change someone's course or would they do what they were going to do anyway?

I have never been in this situation -- I developed friendships with siblings that outlasted the relationship but I have never started off knowing siblings first -- but watching other people I my experience has generally been that hormones win and people will get pissed at their friend and then ignore him/her anyway and continue on the original course.

[guids]

Originally Posted by Henry17

I'm curious about the asking / talking to friend about sister -- if he has an issue with it would it actually be enough to change someone's course or would they do what they were going to do anyway?

I have never been in this situation -- I developed friendships with siblings that outlasted the relationship but I have never started off knowing siblings first -- but watching other people I my experience has generally been that hormones win and people will get pissed at their friend and then ignore him/her anyway and continue on the original course.

I cant imagine wanting to be friends with someone that would have a problem w/ me dating the sister in the first place; and typically, no, I would drop the friend before the sister, because that just means we werent really that close of friends to begin with

[Zarathustra]

Originally Posted by guids

I cant imagine wanting to be friends with someone that would have a problem w/ me dating the sister in the first place; and typically, no, I would drop the friend before the sister, because that just means we werent really that close of friends to begin with

It naturally depends on the nature of relationship between the siblings. You can't blame an older brother for being a little protective...especially of a younger sibling. Being long term mutual friends with a guy and his older sibling is a vastly different circumstance from incidentally meeting a friend's younger sister once or twice and then furtively pursuing her behind his back.

[guids]

Originally Posted by Zarathustra

It naturally depends on the nature of relationship between the siblings. You can't blame an older brother for being a little protective...especially of a younger sibling. Being long term mutual friends with a guy and his older sibling is a vastly different circumstance from incidentally meeting a friend's younger sister once or twice and then furtively pursuing her behind his back.

you arent trying to rape her, I mean if you think the guy would like to be told about it and you dont, ya, you are a douche just for not doing what your friend would like you to do, but I dont want to be friends with someoen who would have a problem w/ it in the first place

[Sciolist]

It's just a matter of courtesy to ask, there is no way that someone could say "no, you can't date my sister". They don't own their sister and if they're your friend they have to like you in the first place anyway. The absolute worst case scenario for that conversation is them saying "you know she's crazy, right?"

[Thremp]

Its a matter of respect to tell them. It isn't an "asking", per se. But there is no point in asking until something happens. If you hang out in a group a few times and something ends up happening, the brother doesn't need a play by play. Just a quick update.

Then again this presumes that you actually intend to have an ongoing relationship with his sister. If you both want to furtively **** around, whatev. Or if you intend to just drill her until the next best thing,that is off limits.

[Fyte On]

As an older brother (sister is 4 yrs younger) I say you def give him a heads up. Others said it, but 'asking' is dumb because no, he probably doesn't want you to take out his sister, but he's not going to be a douche and say that (in other words asking just puts you both in an awkward spot, better just to just say something brief).

Think though about what kind of relationship you're going to have. The more serious you intend to be with her, the more fair to your friend imo. Its pretty uncool to be eff buddies with his sister.

[Mittens]

It seems I'm by myself here, but I'd just not date/try and hook up with my friend's sister. Similar to how you wouldn't take a run at one of your good friends exes, I think there's enough fish in the sea that you can avoid the ones that are likely to create difficult situations with people who you value.

Sure you can probably figure out ways to possibly not make it awkward/contentious, but why not just date someone else??


Cliffs: Bros before hos

[sayid_the_saviour]

i am surprised at these answers. if one of my good friends wanted to get with my sister or a girl who is a good friend of mine i think that would be amazing. i really cannot fathom a friend telling me i am not good enough for their sister. if he thought that why would he want to be my friend

[Henry17]

I don't think the issue is so much that he feels you are not good enough so much as it is just icky and also filled with potential for issues when things inevitably go bad.