Dating/Relationship General Advice Thread - Volume 9 --Spring 2010 Edition

[skindog]

Originally Posted by Henry17

Get new friends -- you can keep the old ones but just supplement with people who aren't boring.

I'm kind of in the same boat as he is. Had a ****ty high school experience and never hung around guys who actively went after girls. Now I'm trying to pick up those skills out of thin air. Your advice is great in theory, but it's very vague. For me, part of the problem is a lack of skills in meeting people in general. And having been around social retards for most of my life, I probably have less common ground than I need to become good friends with "less boring" people. So your advice would be great if we knew any actionable steps, but now it's like hearing, "well, uhh, go and get some chicks!"

I've been thinking of devoting a lot of time to online dating sites to get more comfortable with meeting girls, but that's all I've got so far. I don't like the idea of PUA and I'm convinced it's 95% bs, so I don't want to use rely on it. I've considered combing through the material to try to weed out a few gems, but that would waste a lot of time. Since you're so against PUA, Henry, what would you recommend as an alternative? If anyone has any shortcuts or suggestions I'd love to hear em.

[Mittens]

Originally Posted by donkeyboy123

Would be cool if you did a well. Some of us (like me) haven't been around too long and you seem like a very interesting person with some cool stories to tell.

In two weeks time the Norwegian "russetid" starts. It's a month of drinking, doing dares to get russe-knots (basically just random stuff like kissing the teacher, having sex in a tree etc) and partying in general. I'm going to a few large gatherings were there will be thousands of russ. What's my best approach to getting girls at these sort of events? The events are 2-3 days long so I'll have enough time to pursue and try different approaches, but input would be nice. Fwiw I'm not a very good dancer and don't like it either (makes me feel like a complete tool).

clearly you should invite American 2+2'ers to join you.

Originally Posted by skindog

I'm kind of in the same boat as he is. Had a ****ty high school experience and never hung around guys who actively went after girls. Now I'm trying to pick up those skills out of thin air. Your advice is great in theory, but it's very vague. For me, part of the problem is a lack of skills in meeting people in general. And having been around social retards for most of my life, I probably have less common ground than I need to become good friends with "less boring" people. So your advice would be great if we knew any actionable steps, but now it's like hearing, "well, uhh, go and get some chicks!"

I've been thinking of devoting a lot of time to online dating sites to get more comfortable with meeting girls, but that's all I've got so far. I don't like the idea of PUA and I'm convinced it's 95% bs, so I don't want to use rely on it. I've considered combing through the material to try to weed out a few gems, but that would waste a lot of time. Since you're so against PUA, Henry, what would you recommend as an alternative? If anyone has any shortcuts or suggestions I'd love to hear em.

I'd recommend just making a concerted effort to talk to people more. The more social you are, the better you get at it.

[Henry17]

Originally Posted by donkeyboy123

Would be cool if you did a well. Some of us (like me) haven't been around too long and you seem like a very interesting person with some cool stories to tell.

Not my type of thing but I got talked into it s while back and it wasn't a good experience.

Originally Posted by skindog

I'm kind of in the same boat as he is. Had a ****ty high school experience and never hung around guys who actively went after girls. Now I'm trying to pick up those skills out of thin air. Your advice is great in theory, but it's very vague. For me, part of the problem is a lack of skills in meeting people in general. And having been around social retards for most of my life, I probably have less common ground than I need to become good friends with "less boring" people. So your advice would be great if we knew any actionable steps, but now it's like hearing, "well, uhh, go and get some chicks!"

I've been thinking of devoting a lot of time to online dating sites to get more comfortable with meeting girls, but that's all I've got so far. I don't like the idea of PUA and I'm convinced it's 95% bs, so I don't want to use rely on it. I've considered combing through the material to try to weed out a few gems, but that would waste a lot of time. Since you're so against PUA, Henry, what would you recommend as an alternative? If anyone has any shortcuts or suggestions I'd love to hear em.

It is hard to give very specific advice without knowing you. I mean there is a major difference from a guy that is overall fine but just a little shy and insecure and someone who is completely lacking in social skills. Assuming the former just go out and you will meet people. You are looking for places where conversation is likely to be initiated by others or where you can just inject yourself into the conversation. TVs are usually good for this -- people will just start talking to you and likewise you can just start talking to people. It helps if you know about sports since that is what is predominantly on bar TVs.

People out in public are looking to be social you just have to look like someone they would want to talk to and then help them out by providing an in. Stuff that has worked for me in the past that is relatively inexpensive would be something like having a unique drink or a imported cellphone. Even using a tablet rather than a normal laptop works but I wouldn't suggest bringing computers to patios until you've established yourself.

By far the easiest way to meet people though is at the bar. Assuming it is not very busy the bartender will do practically all the work for you. You just need to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation on whatever the topic randomly ends up being so being really informed about current events is important.

You should also try to meet bar staff. They are the hub of the going-out scene. They know all the regulars, they often work at multiple venues or change venues so frequently that a small core spreads out fast, and them acknowledging you gives you status and thus makes it more likely other people will take the initiative to approach you.

You want to go out frequently and in a focused fashion. You don't have to go to the same venue every night but try to keep it such that you have a set of venues with overlapping patrons. Basically pick a sub-scene and stick with it.

That is about all I can thing of. I mean there are some extreme / kind of ****ed up things that I've done but I wouldn't go there. I also think working on aspects of yourself that makes you the type of person people will actually put in an effort to be your friend. If you do this last part correctly you'll actually have the opposite issue and find yourself having to avoid people and quasi-stalkers.

[gtg789w]

Originally Posted by Henry17

You are looking for places where conversation is likely to be initiated by others or where you can just inject yourself into the conversation. TVs are usually good for this -- people will just start talking to you and likewise you can just start talking to people. It helps if you know about sports since that is what is predominantly on bar TVs.

This is really good advice for making new friends. And if you DON'T know a lot about sports in general, you could easily go read the latest MMA thread and then go to a bar for the next event armed with all the knowledge you'll need to strike up a conversation with 90% of the people there.

[The-fryke]

Originally Posted by Henry17

If you mean something special no. There will be a 10,000th post unless something happens between now and late-April / early-May but it will just be a normal post.

Yeah was sorta thinking along the lines of a well, or if not that, just a summary post of the stuff you have advised in these threads. I've been reading them for ages so I know most of them now, but there is a lot of really good advice in there scattered throughout a number of threads, a lot of people would find it really helpful/informative/interesting.

[Syous]

I'd def be interested in a well however if you think about it, every thread henry posts in pretty much becomes a well :P

[Fyte On]

I'd add sports rec leagues and pickup sports to the list of ways to meet people. I haven't ever joined a league by myself but a friend and I joined a soccer league last summer through an acquaintance, and it ended up being an awesome group of people, about 4-5 of whom I'm still friends with. I'm casually friends with ppl where I play bball 2x a week, and every once in a while ppl go grab drinks after; if I were to bring it up more often I'm sure we'd go more.

Softball and dodgeball leagues in particular are pretty popular right now and basically center around drinking, so that's worth a shot.

Find a league full of youngish people and maybe go check it out before joining. Convince a buddy or two to join too but make sure they're cool to meet new ppl.

[The-fryke]

Originally Posted by Fyte On

I'd add sports rec leagues and pickup sports to the list of ways to meet people. I haven't ever joined a league by myself but a friend and I joined a soccer league last summer through an acquaintance, and it ended up being an awesome group of people, about 4-5 of whom I'm still friends with. I'm casually friends with ppl where I play bball 2x a week, and every once in a while ppl go grab drinks after; if I were to bring it up more often I'm sure we'd go more.

Softball and dodgeball leagues in particular are pretty popular right now and basically center around drinking, so that's worth a shot.

Find a league full of youngish people and maybe go check it out before joining. Convince a buddy or two to join too but make sure they're cool to meet new ppl.

This is good. Apart from my school mates, most of my good friends have come through playing sports. As long as you arent awful, there are tons of leagues you can play in, and generally the worse you are the more social they are.

Are there any other decent activities other than sports for meeting people? I've thought about doing others but none really sound that fun. Book club? (doubt would be much of a party scene), dance lessons? (would take a lot of balls to rock up by yourself, though could be good), gym (dont really meet people), um.... I suppose dance/cooking/other stuff lessons would be the best if you had any interest in them.

[Henry17]

The sports idea is actually very good. I use to play hockey in a very casual league and it was a great way to meet people. I have a few friends that play in a more serious league and it is a great way to expand friend base.

I can't really think of anything that is a non-physical alternative. My Jewish friends have these gatherings for twenty-somethings which would be a good alternative. Stuff like book clubs would likely not be the correct demographic. I was thinking some sort of organized wine clubish type of thing and maybe in a more hip city that might work but in most places I think it would be an older crowd. I did go to a charity event last month and was surprised that the crowd was 60-70% under 35. In the past it it has been usually a much older crowd. Based on some pictures I saw of other charity events at least locally there is a trend toward it being something young people do.

There are also social clubs. I have no experience with these but we have one locally and I'm still on the fence over if it is a bunch of losers trying to create an Ottawa version of Small World or if it is actually something that I'd be interested in. My money is on a bunch of losers but who knows. Not sure how common this type of thing is but something worth looking into.

You don't really need to meet all that many people. Once you have a few you then meet their friends and expand out.

-------------

Also El Diablo mentioned these group date dating services (4 guys and 4 girls go out + usually a company representative to get the ball rolling go for dinner). No experience with it but there is a local one that does that and I've seen them out. I think it might be something worth looking into -- certainly a lot better than internet dating.

[The-fryke]

I guess the key is to find something (talking about things other than sports) where other people are looking to meet people as well.

We had a young professionals club here which in theory was great, but you would just have groups of about 20 people from all the accounting/law firms plus groups of friends etc, it wasnt really an environment where you would necessarily meet new people. Thats why I thought some sort of classes would be good, as you usually form groups/pairs where you actually be able to meet people properly.

That group dating thing actually sounds really good. There are 4 girls so you have a greater chance of actually liking one, there is way less pressure, and if all else fails, you could meet some pretty cooly guy mates.

[calm]

Dance class is good, not sure why you think you need a lot of balls to do it.

I took a salsa class once, and it was perfectly set up to meet people with very little stress. Every guy grabs a girl at the beginning of class -- doesn't matter if you don't know any of them, just walk up to one and ask her to dance -- and then everyone gets in a big circle and the girls rotate every minute or two.

I joined the class with a friend but actually wish I had gone alone -- there was plenty of time to chat before and after class, but I just talked with my friend the whole time. Everyone was really friendly and excited to meet new people, although the girls weren't that hot... YMMV

[The-fryke]

Originally Posted by calm

Dance class is good, not sure why you think you need a lot of balls to do it.

I took a salsa class once, and it was perfectly set up to meet people with very little stress. Every guy grabs a girl at the beginning of class -- doesn't matter if you don't know any of them, just walk up to one and ask her to dance -- and then everyone gets in a big circle and the girls rotate every minute or two.

I joined the class with a friend but actually wish I had gone alone -- there was plenty of time to chat before and after class, but I just talked with my friend the whole time. Everyone was really friendly and excited to meet new people, although the girls weren't that hot... YMMV

I guess I thought you'd need balls because I didnt know what to expect, if its liek you say then it sounds fine.

[mused01]

okay, i got a question about being forthcoming.

I was at a friend's party way back when and met a girl there. We were both buzzing and somewhat vibing it. the conversation turned about yogurtland and how much we both love the mochi balls. we've been talking for a while and she's been ignoring her friends so i'm assuming she has at least a kindle of interest. i could of gone the normal "hey yeah, let's go get yogurtland someday" but I was hoping to bring a little edge. is it too brass, creepy, whathaveyou to ask her to go right there on the spot? I would think there would be a good chance of sexy time if she agreed because it's showing huge compliance from her to ditch her friends. still i thought it might have been a little creepy. although i suspect if i delivered it fully confidently without any flinching and nervous blinking i would have had a moderate chance of success.

[M0n3y0nf$r3]

Originally Posted by calm

although the girls weren't that hot... YMMV

This has been my experience, sample size 4.

[coltranedog]

Originally Posted by mused01

okay, i got a question about being forthcoming.

"hey yeah, let's go get yogurtland someday" but I was hoping to bring a little edge. is it too brass, creepy, whathaveyou to ask her to go right there on the spot?

Is Yogurtland a euphemism that I am not aware of? If not then I don't think there is anything creepy about asking someone to get some yogurt (on the spot or not). Some of you guys really over think things. You are asking her to get a cup of yogurt its not that big of a deal.