So if a girl on online dating site claims she is "not going into this looking for a date right off the bat" what does this actually mean? If she weren't somewhat interested she would have just ignored unless shes really new to this and doesnt realise how many messages she will be getting.

So right now my line is to agree but otherwise proceed as normal, maybe lean towards more casual on the first date if it gets that far since she put it in her profile Is this the right play?

That should mean about as much to you as her favorite food.

and what do you mean agree? Did you already send her a message and she replied? I'm not fully understanding your post.

dont ask her on a date, tell her to join you in some normal activity like going to the bar or having lunch.

Ya sorry that was a little uclear. She replied to my opener with the "not looking for a date" and in her profile for my first date or w/e she put something casual please.

I don't think I would ever call it a date anyway, just try to act like it if that makes sense.

Burly,

I take it to mean she wants an online chat buddy. I would move onto other prospects if that is not what you are looking for. Nothing worse than talking online to someone for a month only to later find out they are misrepresenting themselves.

Edit: Ah she responded to your message, I thought this was in her profile. Since she responded you are golden, I would proceed as normal. Message back with some questions about herself and then ask her for her number to meet up for a casual drink.

Sub optimal behavior:
Optimal behavior:
zer0's behavior:

Burly, I'm kinda with others here in that you should proceed as normal but be prepared to bail early. Quite likely he's just looking for attention of some kind and is not looking to get romantically involved. I know you may then ask "well, what's she doing on a dating site" but she's a girl. I have no explanation for her behavior other than to say its more than just possible given her response to you.

Results wise though I think you proceed as you normally would but don't be surprised if the date goes "great" but she doesn't escalate or make any physical contact with you and is surprised when you try to kiss her goodnight lol.

I have kinda been overthinking lately how long to call in between dates to arrange for another with girls. but when you are first starting out casually dating a girl does it really matter how many days or so you wait in between. like is it really better to wait 3 or more days maybe even a week rather than 1 or 2? Does it actually make a difference in their brain or not?

This is only my experience, so take it FWIW, but I think I've made mistakes with 2 girls trying to see them too often too soon. One of them we met up for drinks and talked about 6 hours, then the next night she invited me out with her friends and we hung out another 6 hours. The 2nd girl just loved doing random stuff I guess, on one night we hung out 7 hours going to random coffee shops, playing pool, eating meals, walking along the waterfront, then we hung out a couple nights later and it was the same thing.

In both cases, it seemed like we had a lot of chemistry and fun throughout the dates, but looking back I think it was way too much too soon. If I could go back, I'd limit date 1 to about 1.5-2 hours, then I'd probably wait 4-5 days for the 2nd date and again keep it relatively short unless things are progressing to sex. I think the best weapon a guy has in his arsenal is mystery. If a girl finds out too much about you too soon, then you lose a lot of your intrigue and she doesn't feel like she's chasing you and thus loses interest rapidly.

i think its hilarious girls dumped beer on you then ****ed you
stories please

girls on online dating sites get infinite messages. she's not necessarily a total weirdo, and she's not necessarily "just looking for attention". there might just be other people she's more interested in. it's certainly not unusual for them to be talking to multiple people at the same time.

MF,

I agree w/ that.

Sometimes I've had that amazing connection w/ a girl where we pretty much immediately know we are going to start dating (or at least hook up). In those cases, it hasn't been a problem at all that we spend a ton of time together very fast - and generally these dates end up in sleeping together the first or second time we meet.

But other times I've spent a lot of time with a girl very quickly where we're both having fun and just keep hanging out rather than ending the date, and that has definitely contributed to things fizzling out very quickly, sort of losing the excitement/anticipation of the early romance stages.

question: is doing "too much" for a dinner date (date #3 overall) a problem? i never thought about this b/c i tend to be of the "put your best foot forward" mindset and am a very giving guy by nature.

hanging out w/ a few guys tonight and this came up. guy1 who also likes to cook asked what i'm making and i told him:
- straightforward salad
- side of spinach w/ white wine, garlic, s&p
- flour coated, dijon mustard rubbed, and seasoned panko breaded chicken. bake chicken til basically done. melt herbed goat cheese cut into 3-4 circles and overlayed on top of the chicken til soft. crushed pistacchios on top w/ just a touch of honey.
- dessert is those angel food cake type cups they sell in the fruit section with whipped cream and strawberries cut to fan on top (like this but w/ the green cut off http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_OFpCCX-zBt...wberryFan7.jpg).

this is honestly not a complex dinner. it's actually a SUPER HIGH "quality of food / prep time" ratio. but my friend's thought was "once you start with the goat cheese, you're doing too much." he was saying i risk making her think i'm putting too much effort into it this early.

i disagree and will probably end up doing this anyways but i thought i'd get some opinions on this. the only thing that made me stop is that as great as our dates are, between dates, she doesn't seem that interested in talking all that much. if she doesn't hear from me for a day or so she'll text me some conversation starter. we'll chat for a bit and it'll end. she's completely trained me to not call her. so perhaps doing too much is a risk?

which brings me to an unintended question 2 lol. i didn't think to ask this but i would like to chat w/ this girl occasionally b/w dates. literally we talked on the phone ONE time and it was basically due to my insistence. otherwise, maybe we talked 1 or 2 other times for 30 seconds to ask a quick q re: a date or something. i feel this is odd. granted, she's super busy w/ full time school and 2 night shifts as a nurse at a psych ward a week so i can understand she doesn't have that much time. but still.

anyways, i just 'feel' like even though things are going great, it's not like a 'certainty' kind of situation.

cliffs:
- is cooking a reallllly good seemingly complex dinner too much?
- am i expecting too much given girl's busy schedule to chat on the phone w/ her between dates (we met feb 9th fwiw and are having date #3 tmrw due to her schedule during the week and my traveling during 2 of those weekends)?

i guess the 2nd will resolve itself one way or another and i should 100% ignore it.

the first i'm curious of your thoughts. from the flip side, i could see it as being like "oh she's too into me" but if the dinner was great i'd be happy. one girl i dated in ri on our 3rd date made me a homemade lasagne dinner. she played it off like it wasn't much but i know what goes into lasagne. ofc i dropped it but down the line she did tell me it took her 6 hours. i was touched by the dinner and thought it was great.

but the comment above was from somebody i'd think would have a reasonable opinion on this.

Cooking a great dinner for a girl? Yeah, that's going to kill your chances with her. I can't think of anyone worse for a girl than some ******* deciding he'll spend the time to make a great dinner for her.

Your friend is a moron.

yea nothing wrong with cooking a dinner, just make sure you guys drink enough wine. It does seem to be going a little slower than you would like. Reason I say that is Im on a similar time frame and number of dates with this 1 girl as well, so I feel ya.

How bad would it be for you to say you would like to see her more? I mean is that really that bad of a thing to say to a girl? Couldn't help cut to the chase so your not wasting your time? I'm def not suggesting it but maybe some others can chime in.

Had to share:

well the thing is, she's really busy. and i have been doing stuff (i.e. out of the state/country stuff) on the weekends so that makes it tough. i think though it's clear we do like each other lots so it'll probably take it's course.

tonight will be very fun and she'll be impressed i think. she's very down to earth, doesn't go out to eat much, loves beer/bars/drinking (irish), but loves good food so i agree i can't lose here despite my friend's thoughts lol

i also recorded skiing for her so we can watch some freestyle moguls during dinner (we met on the ski slopes and despite not being very good, she LOOOVVVVEEEESSSS skiing)

eld,

you've known me/seen me post for years now. i think all the way back from 2001 when i juuuust started posting in limit (like before it was hsl through ssl etc.). after all this time, you should know i just habitually overanalyze and overshare everything lol.

reasons for this include (generally and in this case):

a) my mind constantly ticks away thoughts and some are 'rational' and others are 'irrational.' obviously i can't know which is which in many cases so sharing/gathering opinions from random internetz folkz is one way to see which is which. ask the audience is rarely wrong in wwtbam
b) attention whoring to some extent (get my opinions/thoughts/experiences out there)
c) killing time
d) general checks on actions/thoughts

from all that, rarely do my actions IRL reflect the level of insanity and insecurity portrayed here.

so there's a short trip into the mind of a lunatic lol

Yes, we call that neurotic.

I'm at work for till monday at 8 am and only have my phone. I'll see about posting when I get off but I'm probably not the best at story telling, however it's pretty funny in person.

Ok, talking to a girl. Seems like she wants to go to the next level.

She is from another country and we are meaning to meet up.

Whoever wins the next scrabble game wins something from the other person.

We each make our own list of 3 things and the winner chooses one.

Give me 3 things sexual related but nothing too obvious. As in hints..


Uh, she gave me three hints, one being oil, body contact, and the other a costume

What the

That sounds ******ed

Is she fat?

i laughed. i wouldnt' have made that connection.

in other news: never a dull moment and i always seem to get the 'strange' ones. maybe there are no 'normal' ones?

just INSANE mixed signals.

- 3 dates, nothing more than kissing (though circumstances in the first two were not conducive due to being at a bar and dinner). the thing is though, there is now a noticeable difference in 'how' she kisses me when sober vs. after a few drinks. sober = peck on lips, post drinks = real kiss.
- this is out of chronological order but we were talking over text today and i asked her what her schedule was and she didn't answer but texted somethign else entirely. then i tried 1 more time and asked when she was cooking me dinner (she referenced this last night). she said "soon "
- last night, i cooked her dinner and literally RIGHT after dinner she got a text from her sister saying she was coming to near where i live (likely planned since she'd have known this ahead of time and said something) and would i mind if we went to this bar with her sis, sis's bf, and her friend. ofc i said sure.
- also out of chronological order but at the bar, the "friend" (who's overweight) wanted to stay to talk more to some guy when the sis/bf had to go for some reason. obv my date had to then drive her home and the bf said, jokingly, "sorry, man" to me in front of all of them. i didn't really know what to say so i laughed and kinda sluffed it off.

those are obviously the 'cons'.....'pros' are

- she is SUPER proud when introducing me to her sister. said "who'd have thought i'd meet such a smart cute guy skiing" and "isn't it great we have so much in common [to her sis]"
- she was like beaming and was holding onto me with a deathgrip lol when i told her sis et al. the full story of how we met, which is way better than most stories nowadays.
- we have multiple plans out in the future. march 16th we're going skiing. march 17th we're going to her friend's place for a party and may stay over there. during dinner she said she wanted to have me over to her place to cook me dinner (lives w/ her mom/dad) and said "this is an ideal time b/c they are accountants and don't get home until late"
- and the real kicker, the irish bar we went to serves food and the others didn't eat so we sat down for dinner. during dinner we got some more drinks. we're sitting very close and RIGHT IN FRONT of her sister/bf/friends starts kissing me passionately. the 'real-after-a-few-drinks' kissing. this happens multiples times during the night.

so i have no idea what's going on here. on one hand we seem to be doing great. on the other, it's like we're just friends until she has a few drinks.

i assume i just let this play out and see what happens but at some point i should probably say something.