inter: pretend the friend's gf never said anything. act as you would if the date unfolded as it did.

i've never seen a woman go to this much trouble for a "i dont like you exit" before last night. i've been talking/texting to this one girl i met last year right before i started dating my last serious gf. we fell off a bit and then she texted me happy new years so we started talking again. thought even though i just met a great girl i'd give her a shot so we went out last night for a drink. about 2hrs into the date (which was going fail. def wasn't going to call her back even though she's very cute, she was just annoying and more than the typical jewish princess) she gets a text from her friend. i see an opportunity to exit gracefully for her and i say, hey im gunna get another drink, why don't youc all your friend.

so she stays in the VERY VERY noisy bar( live band in a 1500sqft bar. i didn't like this at all - but we met near her and she picked the place) and calls her friend. she then tells me "i'm going to leave in 10-15mins b/c my friend's dad was unresponsive when she came home and they had to go to the hospital." like wow, i've had the whole "friend in trouble" but this level of detail was new. obv some % chance it's true but i'd say 95%+ she made this up as her exit. she talked about this for like more time than she was on the phone w/ her friend lol. all about the girl came home to find her father unresponsive/unconscious, called 911, they took him to the ER, and it's really bad b/c their little cousin was home and her brother is away at school and her husband is in vegas and blah blah blah super important she'sthere for her friend.

i was ofc understanding and sympathetic but wow. i really disliked how she exited if i'm right here. i am totally fine w/ a girl just saying, "hey my friend has an emergency. it was great meeting you and i'll see you later" ... i dont need that level of detail. really ****ty. just totally rubbed me the wrong way.

im tempted to follow up and pretend i dont think this just to see how far she'll drag this on or if she'll even respond.

dude, she's a girl. Not sure what to say. I just assumed to them everything is a huge deal.

If she just made it up she is apparently pretty bad / inexperienced with lying in these situations. But it certainly does not sound like she was trying to be rude or anything.

Don't quite understand why you get so worked up over this.

Yea dcifr,

You seem like a very rational person who realized there was not much chemistry. You were going to try to leave and obviously she wanted to as well. But because she tried to leave before you youre bothered? Don't be hurt by that fact. Maybe she's bad at lying, but so what? That's one thing I hope my future mate is bad at!

no no no. you guys are getting my upsettedness (new word?) here all wrong. i dont care that she wanted to leave early. i'm fine w/ that.

i care that the lie she chose was in SUCH poor taste. it's like if i wanted to ditch and had an escape plan, i would NEVER say "oh my best friend's mom is in the hospital" and go into such detail about it. that's some bad joojoo. you don't wanna joke about people close to you being sick.

it's not like this has never happened to me before either ofc. girl gets text, girl says she has to go, date ends. easy peasy...this one really rubbed me the wrong way b/c of the way she used her friend's dad being unconscious and non responsive and taken to the er, i mean that's over the top lol. and like i said, it's just bad joojoo.

Her friend also mentioned that my date "had no real desire to rip my clothes off when she met me"

this is not a good sign

her friend sounds like an idiot. proceed as you would normally after a good first date.

Dcifrths,

Pretty annoying of her but I would definitely let it go and not make an issue out of it. She's an idiot and interacting with her more will just bring you down.

yea. i sent her 1 text earlier just b/c (normally i'd have completely let it go). no response so it's over. not gunna waste any more energy thinking about it. i have a date tmrw w/ an amazing girl anyways.

In the interest of some non JWhitt discussion, I met a girl online a few months ago. We went on a first a date on a Wednesday. We went out again Saturday night and stayed together until Monday morning. A few days later I invited her up to go skiing (hour drive so not a big trip) the next weekend. I realize this is moving quickly and is not my standard, but it felt right at the time. We spent Friday and Saturday evening at the ski resort. The 2nd night I felt her getting a bit more attached and I wanted to be very upfront that I wasn't looking for a long term relationship. I told her this at drinks before dinner and she got very upset and moody with me. After an hour of her being passive aggressive she said she was okay with casual and appreciated my honesty. We had a flirty dinner and had sex that night.

The next day we skied and drove home. On the drive home she was making plans to hang out and see each other again and I knew I was never going to call her. I thought I was still interested in hanging out casually but when she started talking about it I realized I didn't want to see her again. So I was honest and upfront and told her I wouldn't be calling her again. I felt that honesty would be best over never returning her calls. She was super pissed and the last 30 minutes (damn traffic) of the car ride was incredibly miserable. I realize that having sex with her Saturday probably wasn't the best move but we got drunk and had fun together after she was done pouting. I also felt that I had been up front with her so she knew she was getting into, so I rationalized that it would be okay. Was I in the wrong or was I honest and upfront? If I was in the wrong how should I have handled it as not to hurt her?

wow...and occasionally when you think you know women they surprise you.

she just texted me: "Hey! He's ok...he went into diabetic shock...Still in hospital...How was roller hockey today?"

i would have laid 19:1 this was an excuse and that i'd never hear from her again.

In Henry17esque fashion, I think you always have to be aware of potential social circles consequences from this. Yes, you were upfront and honest, but you could have taken a little more time and put a little more effort in to simply letting her down easier. That way, in the off chance you two have a mutual friend or you see her out randomly, she sees you as the guy who she had fun with but just didn't have a 'serious connection', rather than the d-bag who doesn't know how to be socially graceful.

Your method has potential -EV repercussions, however small, while my way, at worst, is neutral, and possibly +EV.

dude, you have a presumably good looking chick who also skis and likes you and seems to be OK w/ the whole casual thing despite the signals you sent her and the convo you guys had.

so my question is how did it go from "let's go skiing for the weekend together" to "i know i'm never going to call her again"?

for your question, one thing i learned from my last relationship is words are one thing, actions are another. you may have SAID what you did, but:

a) you invited her for a weekend trip after the first date,
b) you slept with her on the 2nd date,
c) you shared a mutual interest with her (skiing)

so these actions led to 100% her getting hurt no matter what you say or do. you told her that you were super interested in her even though you said you weren't looking for something serious. imo you were way in the wrong here. you can't tell her you dont want somethign serious and simultaneously send all those other signals that are 100% long-term relationship material (well not the sex on 2nd date but the trip together and the skiing stuff).

i'm probably too far on the right tail of responses you'll get but i think it wasn't cool the way this played out if you never call her again. you should explain this or at least see her again or somethnig? not sure what but just cutting off contact seems REALLY harsh.

Gimmick, why not be honest with her over the phone the next day instead of when you were trapped together in a car?

i dont think youre off at all. i read gimmicks post and my reaction was "what an a**hole."

Yea, handled this pretty bad imo.

Telling her during the trip is really bad judgment, do it before she accepts the trip if you want to be so up front. She had every reason to believe you are interested in a LTR. Not cool to tell her while she is trapped with you for the remaining weekend. The car thing is even worse.

Rule of thump: If you need to do something that is likely to upset her to the point where she wants to leave immediately, choose time and place so she has the option to do that.

hmmm...don't know what it is...but i like it.

Spell checker not catching my stupid mistakes :P I can play the "not my first language" card though.

just sounded like a rule of [synonym for sex] lol.

Gimmick,

Echoing others and my personal experience.

Tell her before the trip, not during, that you are not interested in LTR. I have taken a few girls on weekend/week long getaways. But I told them long before the trip absolutely no LTR. Had great times and no real problems.

The whole never calling thing is super weird. Why not be polite and a generally fun guy... go on another ski/sex weekend next month?

Thanks for the thoughts, very helpful.

- Telling her in person vs phone later

I wanted to let her know in person. My thinking at the time was that upfront honesty was best. I thought she deserved to hear it in person after the time we spent together.

- Telling her so she has the option to leave

I agree completely. Total misjudgment on my part. We were having drinks and I panicked and thought I should tell her that straight away. I definitely should have waited on it or told her before we went on the trip.

- Telling her in the car

I agree there is no need to tell her I wasn't going to call her again, but at the time I thought being brutally honest was best. I guess I didn't want to be the guy that disappeared without a word, but I could have handled it much better.

- Social circles

I would hope I don't do something similar in the future not because of social consequences but because I have empathy/caring for her.

- Actions vs words

I think this is why I wanted to let her know during drinks that I wasn't interested in something long term. I realized that I was in a bit deep with my actions and wanted to backtrack with words. I should have thought it out better.

- Cutting off contact

I don't think seeing her again would be fair. I think that would be leading her on. I agree that saying it to her when she’s trapped in the car is harsh.

- Never calling again and telling her

I guess I knew I never wanted to see her again. I was just over it at that point. I agree that confrontation isn't needed but at the time my thinking was it is better to be honest and upfront.

Dcifers post on actions vs words got me thinking about the girl I am seeing now. We have been dating about two months and I have been very clear that I am not looking for something serous. She has said she is fine with that but the time before when we hung out she brought up us and being exclusive. When I said that wasn't what I was looking for she backtracked a bit and said "Oh I just meant I wanted to get to know you better."

She has also asked me if I was having sex with someone and if I start to let her know before we sleep together (I haven't since we first started seeing each other). Last night when we hung out I brought up not wanting something serous again, to make it very clear. She said she totally understood and wanted that as well.

We are doing things that are more than what a casual hook up would be. We are doing more date oriented activities like dinner, seeing shows, and going on trips. We see each other 2-3 times a week. I like her and enjoy spending time with her, but I am unsure if I will want something more serous with her. I doubt I will but its not out of the question.

She says she is fine with what we are doing but I suspect that she would be very very sad if she knew I slept with another women. I think she is building more attachment. Now I don't know any of this for sure, and may be reading into it to much. She might be totally fine with having some fun. I can't tell for sure but if I were to bet I think she is very attached and getting more so. So what’s my role here? Is it my job to look out of her heart? Or is being up front and letting her make her own decisions the right way to go? Should I be changing my actions with her and doing more casual activities?

Rule of thump= I'd hit it.

That's a confused girl who wants commitment but is fooling herself into thinking she can do this casual thing. People are ultimately responsible for their own decisions, but it's a bit skeezy to participate in those situations. You know what they're fighting against, but you'd continue on just to get what it is that you want.

gimmick:

i don't get this. these two are mutually exclusive. either you did sleep w/ another girl w/o telling her (what it seems given the ski weekend thing), or you haven't (and just started sleeping w/ this girl)...but in the latter case, not sure what "if she knew i slept w/" means. or are you saying you haven't slept w/ this girl yet?

typically, most women ime tend to be ok w/ you dating around but once you sleep with somebody else, that's a line in the sand (not all women but definitely most). you "have to" tell all current hookups when you are sleeping w/ another persona (again, most women would think this way imo).

in this case, given that you are open and clear with her, this is 'dating.' she has said if you sleep w/ another women, tell her. she will be sad but that's on her, not you. eventually this will end with either a) you want more and she wants more and you become exclusive, b) she wants more and you don't/it ends, or less likely it seems c) you want more, she doesn't/it ends or continues until some breaking point at which it ends (same can happen in b but more likely it ends right then/there).