Dating/Relationship General Advice Thread - Volume 9 --Spring 2010 Edition - Page 168 - EDF Forum

Where is my mind? · 10-28-2010, 05:31 PM

tmc,

I am already doing one sport seriously and I will try to add something on top. International societies are very occassional and there is nothing regular. So far been in 2 events this year, one was really good.

I am in Uk and from Eastern Europe. I may have overemphasized cultural barriers, but a lot of talk here is about tv shows/sports/events/news that I have no clue about. A lot of time I will have no clue what people are talking about. I feel I would do better if i finished spend some years in high school before going to uni. Truth to be told I am yet to see international student who's succesful with british stundents unless he comes from english speaking country/finished english school.

tmcdmck · 10-28-2010, 05:39 PM

hmm im in the UK and went to uni here. im amazed at your experience: several of my closest friends were internationals, and excluding azns, who kept to themselves, internationals never seemed to have a tough time integrating. what university are you at?

that said, it might be worth setting www.bbc.co.uk as your homepage, which will keep you up to date with the major headlines and sports with minimal effort.

Where is my mind? · 10-28-2010, 06:01 PM

i am in north, ok just have to go through this **** and keep working, i am whining too much here.

it's not that i don't know major headlines, but i don't give a **** about hockey, rugby, tv and other stuff, and I am not that deeply interested in football, though I watch it sometimes.

Colombo · 10-28-2010, 06:33 PM

I recently just went through my first breakup where I was the person ending it. I had been having conflicting thoughts on our relationship for 2+ weeks, and just decided it needed to be done.

On Monday she called me and asked if she could come over to my place, I said yes. At this point I decided I could no longer put on a facade of being happy in this relationship, so walked outside and waited for her to come. As I saw her walking down the street, I met her and told her I needed to talk about something. She instantly knew I was going to breakup with her. Our conversation ended up being pretty quick then she stormed off pissed, saying "I wish you would have told me before I walked over." She's about a 3 minute walk away from me. She currently hates me which sucks because I'm being excluded from certain parties that mutual friends are invited to. I'm sure she'll get over it eventually but who knows.

I'd tried "planning" a breakup once or twice before this, and always ended up backing out. This time I figured it just needed to be done, so I went for it. It was obviously very spontaneous and took her by surprise. So EDF, I ask you, did I go about this in the worst way possible? My current situation isn't fun because it sucks knowing someone is super pissed at you, and the mutual friends thing just complicates stuff. Now obviously there's a good chance she'd be pissed no matter what, but I'd really like to know if what my breakup method was super-douchy and should be avoided for future breakups.

Henry17 · 10-28-2010, 06:56 PM

While I would have said it was the worst possible way it wasn't ideal either. Having her come over and then waiting for her outside could be seen as a bit of an ambush. You should have dropped a hint or two that it was coming even if only on the phone before she came over. That being said it was two weeks. Who the **** gets angry over a two week relationship ending. If she isn't crazy she'll be over it by the weekend.

Colombo · 10-28-2010, 06:58 PM

relationship was 4-5 months. I had been considering breakup for 2 weeks.

Henry17 · 10-28-2010, 07:11 PM

Ok that makes more sense. She will still get over it. If you were thinking about it for two weeks you needed to lay the groundwork because if she was blindsided it is a lot worse.

Colombo · 10-28-2010, 07:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Henry17

Ok that makes more sense. She will still get over it. If you were thinking about it for two weeks you needed to lay the groundwork because if she was blindsided it is a lot worse.

How do you go about "laying the groundwork" without making your intentions obvious? If you're at this stage, how can you continue to be in the relationship when you know you'll be ending it?

Henry17 · 10-28-2010, 07:30 PM

Even something like when she asked to come over you could have said yeah I think that is a good idea we need to talk. She would have at least had a few minutes warning.Also the idea is to make your intentions known so nothing wrong with being obvious. She'll start to think about it -- at some point she might even just come out and say are we ok. The door is now opened for you to say actually ...

Colombo · 10-28-2010, 07:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Henry17

at some point she might even just come out and say are we ok.

She said this on the phone the night before, but I didn't want to end things over the phone since I've heard that's a no-no. So I just said "yup"

**MrBump** · 10-29-2010, 04:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Colombo

I recently just went through my first breakup where I was the person ending it. I had been having conflicting thoughts on our relationship for 2+ weeks, and just decided it needed to be done.

On Monday she called me and asked if she could come over to my place, I said yes. At this point I decided I could no longer put on a facade of being happy in this relationship, so walked outside and waited for her to come. As I saw her walking down the street, I met her and told her I needed to talk about something. She instantly knew I was going to breakup with her. Our conversation ended up being pretty quick then she stormed off pissed, saying "I wish you would have told me before I walked over." She's about a 3 minute walk away from me. She currently hates me which sucks because I'm being excluded from certain parties that mutual friends are invited to. I'm sure she'll get over it eventually but who knows.

I'd tried "planning" a breakup once or twice before this, and always ended up backing out. This time I figured it just needed to be done, so I went for it. It was obviously very spontaneous and took her by surprise. So EDF, I ask you, did I go about this in the worst way possible? My current situation isn't fun because it sucks knowing someone is super pissed at you, and the mutual friends thing just complicates stuff. Now obviously there's a good chance she'd be pissed no matter what, but I'd really like to know if what my breakup method was super-douchy and should be avoided for future breakups.

I think you handled it ok. Breaking up is never pleasant and to be honest however you do it, she's going to be pissed and pick holes in it. I always try to do it in person where possible. If I think she could go a bit crazy, I don't like to give any clues at all beforehand - It'll give her time to prepare all her crazy arguments.

Once when I broke up with a girl (who I figured to be a bit crazy), I called her up and invited myself over (which usually implied me staying the night due to distance). She was pleased and said, sure come over. So I went over, and just finished it with her on the spot. I stayed for about 10 minutes to field a few questions and then just left.

The advantage of doing it at her place is that you don't have to kick her out if she starts getting hysterical. You can just leave and at least she's already home if she's upset.

The mutual friend thing is standard unfortunately with break-ups. Good luck, and make sure you cut off all contact with her for at least a few weeks otherwise it'll just drag on and on and on.

ToWW · 10-29-2010, 07:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Where is my mind?

i am in north, ok just have to go through this **** and keep working, i am whining too much here.

it's not that i don't know major headlines, but i don't give a **** about hockey, rugby, tv and other stuff, and I am not that deeply interested in football, though I watch it sometimes.

yeah listen to that guy, I don't spend time following stuff I hate(like top40 music), but trying to get a minimum knowledge about popular topics is really something that can improve your confidence. At least click on the ranking/results every sunday for premier league standings lol. TV is something that's a problem for me too, I'm pretty out of touch with 'normal tv'(non series)
But again,just check a newssite once in a while to pick up stuff. There's always some weird wtf news going on and having a 'did you hear about..' story ready can be handy at times if you already don't have much to talkabout popular topics
examples:
http://www.theage.com.au/national/un...026-171dt.html
http://www.dailytelegraph.com.au/new...-1225944569566

Abbaddabba · 10-29-2010, 09:14 PM

If you're not interested in exclusivity, is it standard/acceptable to ignore the issue until a girl brings it up even if you're pretty sure that's what she wants? Does being evasive over the issue start entering into unethical territory?

Mittens · 10-30-2010, 02:41 AM

No it's completely fine/standard.

**MrBump** · 10-30-2010, 08:00 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abbaddabba

If you're not interested in exclusivity, is it standard/acceptable to ignore the issue until a girl brings it up even if you're pretty sure that's what she wants? Does being evasive over the issue start entering into unethical territory?

"Exclusivity" is something that keeps getting brought up in these threads and the situation you guys all seem to describe is very different to what I am familiar with and so I was wondering if it was a cultural difference.

I am English and now live in France so my experience in dating is from Europe in these countries.

In my experience, once you've started dating a girl and you're clearly in a non-friend relationship with her (ie. you're meeting up up regularly, kissing, sleeping together, or will be soon), then what you guys call "exclusivity" is most definitely implied. In other words, if you are also in another similar relationship with someone else, then, you would be considered to be cheating by both girls and the guy knows it too.

I have never had a conversation with a girl to explicitly decide when we are "exclusive", and I have never heard of anyone else doing this either. In fact, I would even go on to say, I have never even heard the term "exclusivity" used in this context.

So what I am saying is, here (at least in my experience), "exclusivity" is implied (unless of course either party explicitly says "I'd like an open relationship".)

Whereas, I get the impression that for you guys (in North America?), "exclusivity" is never assumed - It has to be explicitly mentioned. And until, then - anything goes ?

So it appears the difference is "Is exclusivity assumed if not discussed?" In my world, the answer is "yes". It appears that for a lot of you, the answer is "no".

I would be interested in hearing other people's experience of the "exclusivity" thing and what the accepted social norms are in your parts of the world.