Talking is not always the best option. It's really a take it or leave it situation iyam. Talking is just going to add stress when there shouldn't be any.

iyam?

so just proceed dating w/o any idea of what she's thinking? i dont think it makes sense to make a take it or leave it decision w/o any information.

iyam = if you ask me

Dcif:

Listen, I understand why you've been pursuing these religious girls. With your connections it's clearly easy to meet attractive, intelligent girls that somewhat share in your faith. Living in downtown NYC and working in finance, I have a lot of jewish friends and I understand that many, even the non-religious, will try to date other Jews when looking for long term prospects, due to family pressure, natural attraction, whatever. So I get it, kind of...

Here is where I think you are in for a rude awakening with these religious girls. This sexual advancement problem is just the first of many which is going to pop up as a result of a religious upbringing. That aspect of her life is going to influence and touch everything she does and there is going to be no shaking that. I'm not just talking about the restrictions that come with being modern orthodox, but to a lesser extent her taste in movies, literature, music, extra-curricular interests, stance on a variety of issues and so on and so forth.

Now I don't know you personally and I'm generalizing a little with the whole tastes being influenced by upbringing thing, but the bottom line is this:

Are these the type of sacrifices and compromises you are willing to make, and, looking at this from a long term perspective, is this the type of person you want to share a significant amount of your time with? In short, are their better, more compatible fish in the sea?

Because I can justify making concessions with short-term pussy in mind but these type of girls aren't down for that, so unless you are in it for the long haul break the **** free from this group.

It's becoming a crutch.

I agree with Jammy.
Talking is unnecessary, her actions talk for themselves.

And given your concern about the aftermath of this, by talking you give her the possibility to critize you and talk bad about you. If you just act, she can only be guessing.

Do you really think you can convince her by talking? In most cases, people want to defend their position even more if someone criticizes. So by trying to convince her, you actually stand in your own way. The optimal play would be to talk her into saying exactly what you want her to say and acting upon it, but this can be quite difficult, so I would recommend just pushing it from time to time and see how she reacts.

first. great post and ty.

i just got back from a ski trip w/ a few friends i met on the italy trip and had a chance to talk to two of them i'm becoming close with at length about lifestyle etc. so w/ that in mind:

here's the thing. it is a wonderful faith rooted in tradition and for me, it's the tradition i like and would like to raise my kids jewish and give them the option of becoming more or less religious if they'd like. after having dated nothing but non-jews for almost 9 years now, i see it as very difficult or unlikely for this to happen if i don't marry a jewish girl. my most serious gf was willing to convert but there would have been all kinds of family issues etc.

as a result, dating non-jews, as i get older, becomes more precarious. i hear there are some interesting books about this so i'm curious to see what's out there. i DO know i will 100% marry for love but i'd like that to be with somebody who shares the minimal aspects of my beliefs/traditions. my family will support whomever i choose to spend my life with. so the more i date non-jews, the higher the chance i end up with a girl where this will become an issue.

so, i thought it was a very happy coincidence i met that girl who introduced me to this community. now, it may be that this community is a bit too far on the religious side for me...i don't quite know that yet, obviously.

ironically, the sexual advancement is actually the last of many rather than the first. i know and have known before i started going on dates with this girl virtually all of the aspects of what will/won't be involved in a relationship with her. i was and am willing to give this a shot though.

in terms of the movies etc., we do actually have a very similar taste in movies and some stances on issues. we have a very similar personality, both like skiing, enjoy being active (which is important to me), and enjoy games among other similarities. nobody really shares my taste in music though (mostly hip hop/r&b) but that's a given lol...and i've had no trouble w/ that before.

to answer your questions in order:

1. i'm fine making compromises and sacrifices (the biggest being shabbot/kosher cooking) if there is some legitimate shot of long term happiness with a great girl. the really long term issue is whether i actually feel more deeply about her (or whomever in the future), all things considered, to the point where i want to spend my life with her. so while currently i'm willing to try this and see if it's a lifestyle i want to live, i guess the actual answer is "i don't know"

2. there may be. but your initial assumption i think is flawed. i really DONT have an opportunity to meet great girls who are my level of religiousness and who i am attracted to mentally, physically, and emotionally.

but i don't know if i'm in it for the long haul without spending time and going out/spending time with her.

what's becoming a crutch?

i think you completely missed the point of the conversation. it's absolutely not about 'convincing her.'

it's about finding out what her personal beliefs are. what she's comfortable with, and doing so in an open and honest fashion so that we can both be on the same page.

i think bottom line, i can't date a virgin, so this may end sooner than later. if it turns out we have a compatible view here, then great. if not, then at least we don't waste any more of each others time, right?

never said i was that good. i said she said that to me in a fashion that was very convincing (i.e., she likes me).

of course she could have just said it. it just seems unlikely. esp given texts she sends and how she interacts with me.

Anyone ever in a relationship where she seems to always put friends first? We've been together for about 4 months and i feel i have to beg for her to do things independent of her close group of friends (almost never hang out w my friends). Almost everyday she has some type of plans to hang out with her girlfriends. I actually like all of her friends but want to be with her alone more often. I wish she was more "clingy" as stupid as that sounds.

She sounds needy as hell with people of the same sex. Are her close friends female only?
How old is she and when was the last relationship she was in? Sounds like she's been single for so long her independence is not congruent with your expectations of a girlfriend.
If she's not putting as much effort into hanging out with you as you are with her, then tell her to screw off.

Yeah, I misread the situation.
My reading comprehension is bad, but is she a virgin for sure or are you just expecting it?

no idea. before this ski trip w/ my friends from the italy trip i'd have guessed no.

after talking w/ a few folks this weekend (just about their beliefs and their personal choices and level of religiosity) i'd lay 2:1 on yes.

specifically, one girl who i'm becoming good friends with had "the most intense relationship of her life" for 3 months and was literally having this guy live with her when he was in nyc and she lived with him when she visited israel. turns out, she never even slept w/ him. and this is despite having spent more time w/ him in 3 mos than almost anybody on this board has ever spent with a girl they've dated in 3 mos.

and she is a very outgoing, warm, open person. NEVER would have guessed that and she basically said "we definitely live in different worlds"

so my expectations are obvious at this point but i hope i'm wrong 'cause i do like this girl.

This is very standard with older girls (28+) who have been single for a while. If she's younger than that, she just ain't that into you.

Sadly, I've never quite figured out the best way to approach this. A girl I'm dating now is very much like this, and while it bugs me on some levels, it's really nice on others. I can do whatever I want, whenever, and she really respects the fact that she can't complain about it.

The flip side of that is that sometimes, when we discuss relationships on a more serious level (recent almost split up type talks) - one of her major complaints was that we don't spend enough time together, and that she wants a 'partner' and someone who she can see more than once or twice a week. It only got more frustrating when, after hearing herself say this, she added 'And don't say 'well you have a super busy schedule' cause I know you're gonna'. :/

Unless you wanna enact the D.E.N.N.I.S system, I think you just have to enjoy the time you get to spend together, and fill the rest of your time looking for something better.

Bought my ex two tickets to see Lady Gaga for Christmas, we ended up having a pretty nasty falling out about a month ago. She agreed to pay me for one of the tickets, which I agreed to. However, she has now lost both tickets, with the concert only being 2 weeks away. It isn't possible for me to get a refund, or even get the tickets replaced, so I'm basically ****ed.

I suggested to her that she still pay me for the one ticket she was going to buy, because she said she would. If she hadn't said she was going to buy it, I would have sold the pair. Keeping the fact that she led me to believe she would buy the ticket in mind, should she pay me back for the one ticket? She says she won't. Just want to get other people's opinions to see if I'm totally wrong. Thanks.

Dude, suck it up, write it off. Jesus.

Who cares if you're right? You shouldn't harass an ex over a few dollars. Drop the issue.

But if you're still curious, you are totally wrong.

Roon,

You don't get Christmas presents back after breaking up w/ someone.

This reminds me of the Tim Whatley label maker episode on last night.
Elaine: I knew it...you're a re-gifter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

that biatch lost them on purpose, just to make you think about her. You are wrong, she should pay you for both tickets and apologise.

well, sometimes you do. And sometimes you give back xmas or other presents even without being asked to. It all depends

There is a very cute single (I think) mom in my apartment complex. Over the past 6 months or so we have crossed paths in the parking lot maybe 10 times. She has a son around 7 or 8 and I have never seen her without him. She always seems pretty rushed and not in a super great mood, so I can't even think of an instance where we have made eye contact to this point.

Tonight as I was pulling into the parking lot I saw her getting out of her car. I didn't think I would have time before she walked in but I sort of rushed to get out anyway just in case. She walked around the car and went to pull something out of the backseat. Her son was on the sidewalk and I said something like "Hey, how are ya little man?" He said "Good!" really excitedly and then said " hey man, give me a high five!" I put my hand up and it was a little high so he missed. I said something like "Get up there dude!" and he jumped and we high fived. His mom was still doing something in the back seat but she smiled and laughed for a second. I didn't want to be a creeper so I just kept walking and that was that. I know this meeting is nothing, but I only mention it as that's all I have to go on at this point.

Any ideas on a confident yet non creepy line I could take if we cross paths again soon? She always seems in a hurry and of course her (seemingly awesome) kid will be there too. She definitely gives off a little bit of a "don't talk to me vibe" but it doesn't appear to be directed at anybody. It could really be anything. Also, I should note that I don't want to make a fool of myself, but I'm moving in a few months so if it happens it's no big thing.

Of you two only you think you have a relationship. She thinks she has a stalker

I Lent a chick I was sleeping with 100 bucks because she said she had no money and needed to eat(and to be fair, she is really poor). It turns out that she gave it to a guy she's dating who's also dating two other women, and has two kids by two other women, and she just gave it to him because she said it got her sexually excited to feel owned. I'm guessing that I shouldn't lend her any more money, no matter how bad a situation she says she's in anymore, right?

seriously?