Hi fellas, Im bored tonight, so I figured Id start this thread and answer some questions to say thanks for the help irt the Chicago advice.

Dating/Relationship Thread Vol 8

http://www.overcomingbias.com/2010/0...-idealism.html

re: robin hanson's post

construal level theory when applied to itself looks like an 'impressive' far-view abstraction that misses the messiness of reality, i.e., limited/zero predictive value (can be interpreted as consistent with a broad range of 'near' details; phrased differently, it does not constrain observation). it provides nerds with a neat framework they can use to generate plausible-sounding pseudo-explanations, though, so we can expect to hear about it until the cynicism has been exhausted and/or it stops signalling cleverness (kind of like ev-psych).

also, what 'psychohistorian' said. how idealistic anyone seems about anything at any given time will depend on many variables, chief among them being their intention (what are they trying to do?). those without ''fertile mating prospects'' are those with the weakest incentive to think about the routine behaviors of a relationship. instead they can ''sample'' pleasurable (low-resolution) ideals and fantasies for idle enjoyment (sometimes so often that it becomes their default/habituated model/belief, i.e., they will automatically profess it when asked just out of habit unless there is an incentive to suppress the cached association and get them thinking and talking about ''what is most likely TRUE").

That was a lot of big words. Is this like the very fat woman telling people she's "saving herself for marriage"?

How do I show a girl im interested in her sexually in the best way? And if she responds, where do I go from there, ask her out?

Going to need a lot more details to give a perfect answer, but assuming we in a vacuum, I'd show her my penis. If she responds well, have sex with her.

Re: Mr Bump

"What do you guys do when you meet a girl that you like but you have no idea if she is single or not and have no way of finding out before making a play "

I recommend never asking. I don't care if she has a BF, he's got nothing to do with me. Girls leave relationships for other guys or cheat on casual BF's all the time. Ceasing contact or becoming instaplatonic will leave a lot of value on the table.

Act as if she doesnt until told otherwise?

I agree.

Yeah this is way too vague. It really depends on the dynamic between your personality and the said girl's personality. If she responds, ask her out for a drink or something? Be a gentleman, etc. This is a very standard way of consummating a sexual relationship.

I agree with this, if Im understanding the gist:

people who have a preconceived notion of what "love" should be usually are wrong, and either dont have sex, or have sex with someone who doesnt fit in with thier abstract ideals of what a mate should be.

if so, agreed.

touch her arm or the small of her back, see how she reacts (or get her drunk)

Nah, this is wrong, you ask, the more information you have the better, it also supposes that you are going to go instaplatonic or break contact off, which in my book is a terrible thing to do.

edit: to do something I hate and use a poker analogy, this is like having the choice of looking at your opponents cards or not, choosing not to, and deciding that if you are forced to see their hole cards you will fold your hand anyways, no matter what they have.

Its more like asking an obvious fish how much money they lost this year. Just kills the mood and doesn't matter.

Edit to add IRL example:

Friday I end up crashing at a girls place, I'd like to get with her roomate. Haven't officially met roomate. On my way out I see a guy leaving the apartment.

Saturday I am partying with the two girls. The roomate says, "Oh, you saw (she starts stuttering over what to call this guy)." I tell her "Don't worry, I was pretty hung over that morning, don't remember seeing anyone."

She instantly is way more at ease and social. Had I delved into what that relationship actually was, we would have made far less progress.

While I agree more info is usually better I think by asking you are giving up the opportunity to get other info. It isn't hard to determine if a girl has a BF or not thought casual conversation. It isn't perfect but you can gain the info pretty reliably based on how she answers certain questions. The more valuable information is how long does she go before explicitly confirming that she has a BF if she has one.

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100% agree with Clam's quote.

Ok, say she responds well, do I just escalate it until we get to that "look each other into eyes but say nothing for 2-3 seconds then go for the kiss"-moment?

Basically I want to know if I am somewhere, I'm talking to a girl (at a sociable event, club, party etc) I want to take it further (smoothly of course). Do I just increase touching ?? I don't want to be too forward which is totally UNsmooth.

Yes, my fault for not being clear, you don't have to come out and ask "do you have a boyfriend" but not gathering this info (with leading questions) is wrong to do. And yes, def agree with the last sentence, how she answers those questions (what manner, tone etc) will tell you more than just asking flat out.

I assumed you were already on a date.


You dont have to be smooth, I am very very unsmooth and it works very well, the more polished, and better looking you are, the better it is to dial it down, and make your self look like a bumbling moron (up to a certain point)

it is really a case by case basis in regard to how to proceed, if you can give me a specific example I can help, but what you do at a bar, is different than a club, than a social event just due to logistics.

I guess you were clarifying the self-evident.

Haha. I was just talking to one of my friends about the loltarded stuff guys have said to her right before they kissed her for the 1st time. I think her favorite one to hate the most was something like, "Just don't hate me forever"

She said basically if it's a guy that she's been hanging out with for the evening or whatever and is going to kiss her, she's not going to stop him. She likes when they just do it and don't say anything stupid/corny.

This is coming from a girl I know who is very down to earth and sensible.

Seems pretty obvious, though I guess.

wat?

I can understand avoiding appearing over-polished, could seem unnatural or give off the player vibe I guess, but definitely not to the extent of looking like a 'bumbling moron'. How is that ever a good thing?

Two small social situations that I'm wondering if I'm being socially ******ed about or not.

Preface:

I'm 21 years old. I've known girl for over 10 years, been really close with her on and off since 7th grade. We got drunk and ended up hooking up a couple of times 2 summers ago which was a little weird because it had been just platonic, she had a boyfriend, and we hadn't talked since the end of highschool.

She lives 5 hours away now. She isn't doing too great with regards to money/school/life, so I've helped her out with money a couple times, and we talk from time to time but obviously not routinely as her new boyfriend is on the possessive side. (Not looking to get berated for giving girls money, just felt like including pertinent information) She has been known to disappear and not answer her phone for weeks-months at a time according to her former roommate/some of my experience. I think she's not really a cold-hearted, manipulative bitch, but moreso can't/doesn't want to deal with problems that pile up in her life so she just ignores them hoping they disappear. We hang out and get drunk at my house once every couple months when she's in town (her dad still lives here) and my friends think its crazy that we do that while not hooking up but idk...I've been drinking/chilling with her since I was like 13 so it doesn't seem that big of a deal to me.


Here are the two situations.

1. 6months ago, I'm at my good friend's house in Mass. A couple of my friends and the girl from above went to see a concert and we are drinking after the fact. My good friend's roommate, who is alright friends with me was hitting on her.

I didn't care at all as she has a boyfriend and I wasn't trying to get with her at all at the time. My friends had an interesting ethical debate though on how ****ed up it is for the friend (knowing our situation) and/or the girl going along with it. Should I care?

She wasn't having any of it so it was a moot point but I'm curious as to what the standard protocol is? I think my friend said something along the line of, "you invited her to the concert so she should only be hooking up with you."

2. Last month. Same girl obviously. Haven't talked to her in a little bit. I guess she drunk texts me one night during spring break telling me she really wants to go to the city with me and drink and see some art show in two days. I'm not thrilled, but I was bored so said alright. The day rolls around and she just ignores/screens. Whatever, I didn't want to go anyway. I can take being blown off as the pursuer, but when you basically ask someone out on a date and then don't even throw in a lie/say your not going anymore and just ignore it seemed a little low. I get drunk one night and phone her up and bitch her out for not having the decency of just saying "not going, can't talk, later" and just ignoring everything. I'm pretty easy going and unaffected by most ****, so I figure I wasn't being out of line, but just a check up.

depends on what you look like. I can pull tail just because Im tall, good looking, and dress better than 90% of the typical guy in a bar (I would say I get approached 30% of the hookups I have, which I am assuming is high for a dude), I also rarely go out without at least a couple girls (friends normally); a lot of girls are insecure and easily intimidated, if I wasn't self deprecating in my humor, somewhat clumsy, and silly for lack of a better term, Id be seen as the arrogant/player type (which still works if you are only wanting to nail 19 year olds)

How old are you?


stop giving her money.

stop hanging around with this guy "you invited her to the concert so she should only be hooking up with you." He is a douche bag, and stop hanging around the guy who was hitting on her, if he knew that you liked her.


How in love with her are you (it is very obvious that you are); and be honest this is an internet forum, no one gives a **** and if they do berate you, who gives a ****, but it will help me w/ the advicce.

I said I was 21 in the post. I've been living on my own for >4 years though.

Obviously giving people money sucks and I 100% understand why and expected this response and I haven't in a while, just felt like including it. Poker put me in a fortunate position though and also desensitized me completely to money so its really hard for me to be tight with money/not help people I care about in ****ty situations when the money is less than a simple buyin to a tourney or a 4bet gone wrong.


Why is he a douchebag? He didn't say that until way after the fact or whatever. I don't really see/hang out with the other guy except when I'm at my friend's place at his school.


lol? Why is it very obvious? I don't think i'm that in love with her in that I'm some helpless sucker like a lot of losers I see get obsessed with girls, but I guess I care more about her than I could ever picture myself caring about anyone else. I'm kind of a loner though so idk, 7/10? Its really a weird spot due to the distance/boyfriend, and I've tried to convince her to move back here or somewhere before but I'm wayyyy over that. I basically wrote her off as long as she is living 5hrs away but obviously don't have it in me to screen her/ignore her when she contacts me. I never contact her. I remember reading Henry write something about long-distance relationships constantly remaining in the honeymoon phase so when you see them its short/dramatic/more meaningful and gives you false sense of something being there that really isn't, and if you get closer to them it falls apart. I can rationalize that is the case possibly and sleep fine at night! haha. Berate at will.