Dating/Relationship General Advice Thread - Volume 10 --Spring 2012 Edition

[Chitown3b18]

SK, if you are not being invited on purpose, or if you ask and she gets defensive about you coming, let me be the first to tell you that you should drop the broad.

[daryn]

Originally Posted by Aloysius

daryn - yeah I think I actually mentioned that point to LFS - regardless, mediocre relationship might be (on average) rated higher than single/casual dating. That's sort of what struck me as "huh, yeah I guess so, but depressing!".

i don't disagree, but i think a lot of that depends on how old you are. sure at 40 one might prefer mediocre relationship to single/casual dating, but not at 25.

[Deldar182]

Originally Posted by nitwitnit

Them asking her that is a sign they are trying, which is definitely bad. I know a guy who gets drunk and tells girls that there's a bar rule where you can have sex with anyone. Or other similar rules that make it ok. This works. Its not because he's an overly clever guy either.

Girls will, generally speaking, need a reason to cheat on a guy. This should not be a real concern if their relationship is healthy. I agree that it's not a good thing, obviously, because it's a little too easy for her to stray the course if they hit a rocky patch.

[S.K]

Cheers for the input feels like a tough spot. I understand the importance of trust but think there is a line between trust and then asking for trouble.

I really dont want to make a deal out of it as everything has been brilliant so far and we are both very happy in the relationship.

She was also talking of going to a festival in the summer (massive pissup, 3 night camping) with the same group. Music festivals arent my scene. If she does say she is going with this group.. then what?

The only solution i can see is too start hanging out drinking with groups of single girls and hope she has a problem with it, but dont have a tonne of girl mates...

[LucidDream]

If would break up with her if she went to a 3 day music festival with that group of guys. It's not that unreasonable for her to get wasted there and screw up. Just that she was willing to put herself in that environment with that group of guys would say enough to me that I would end it.

I don't think your relationship is going to last tbh. She sounds like a party girl and it doesn't sound like you are like that as much. It's going to be tough to make it last with a girl like that.

[JWhitt88]

When you say a girl "needs a reason" to cheat on a guy give me a few of those reasons.

I'm assuming one is that he cheated on her. Another is that he's been working tons of hours and hasn't been able to spend much time with (is that even viable?)

I tend to not believe the "needs a reason" necessarily.

[DcifrThs]

so this girl from the picked-her-up-on-a-chair-lift story and i have still only gone on 3 dates since early feb. she definitely seems very distant for days at a time yet then sends texts like "omg, im sorry ive been so busy, maybe we can get a drink someday this week" (sent sunday).

i'd just respond "ok" as i've been backing off. she then keeps at it saying "ok well i have school tuesday and wednesday and will know my schedule tomorrow so i hope we can meet up for a drink or something this week" to which i again say, "ok, sounds good. lemme know your schedule when you know it."

then another 2 days go by and yet again, haven't heard anything from her. i'm done reaching out though i do expect, given past instances of this behavior, that i'll hear from her tmrw or thursday.

i'm thinking i should not be available the day she is. i know it sounds 'petty' but the way this has been going is pretty bad and that may change things up. i.e. she'd say "hey it turns out i don't have to work tmrw, would you like to get a drink" and i'd say something like "oh, well i didn't hear from you so i ended up making plans. maybe we can do something later this weekend" and be noncommittal about it. if she invites me to st. patti's day (she's irish and has been plastering facebook w/ her excitement for saturday lol) then i'd say yes after that.

good plan? stupid plan? doesn't matter either way? or just go out w/ her if she's available and let things fall where they may?

[scrolls]

i know this may sound crazy, but you could go out with her if youre free and tell her youre busy if youre busy. youre obv getting annoyed with her, but it sounds like she is reaching out to you unprompted to make plans, this is a good sign. its very possible she is being truthful when she says she is extremely busy.

[Deldar182]

Disclaimer for all potential future posts: Everything I say is just my opinion

Originally Posted by JWhitt88

When you say a girl "needs a reason" to cheat on a guy give me a few of those reasons.

I'm assuming one is that he cheated on her. Another is that he's been working tons of hours and hasn't been able to spend much time with (is that even viable?)

I tend to not believe the "needs a reason" necessarily.

I think the problem here is that you are looking at the words "need a reason" the wrong way. Perhaps it's poor phrasing. What I think you have done is mistaken my saying "reason" to mean "sort of justifiable reason". Cheating is never justifiable.

Think of it this way. We can broaden "needs a reason" by saying that generally a girl will cheat on her boyfriend (Or vice versa) to shore up something that is missing in her current relationship. This could be a number of things. Some apt "reasons" imo:

- Sexual dissatisfaction
- A lack of communication on issues such as the above
- Her feelings towards him have changed
- The relationship is not emotionally intense enough for her (So she is creating intensity in the attention of others)
- Other frustrations/aggravations. eg. Past instances of cheating (This creates a psychological reward for cheating, which as an afterthought, is also often, and perhaps the main reason to cheat).
- Overwhelming stress
- Lack of emotional support
- Any combination of the above, typically speaking I'd imagine it'd be more than one, or a really serious one. Take your pick. Look at relationships that involve cheating- although I'm just kinda guessing my way through this post, something like this is typically the cause imo.

His post did not indicate any of the above, so I would assume she does not have much reason to cheat on him. However - Luciddream has a valid point... I'm not sure if I agree with it.

Dcifr,
Instead of this "ok, sounds good. lemme know your schedule when you know it."
Say this "Ok, sounds good. I'll call you in a couple days".

As played, call her anyway imo
Unless you don't care, then whatever

[S.K]

DCIFRS: I thing your on the right lines. I would tell her i am busy on whatever day she decides on (But definitly wouldnt give any mention your annoyed with her not planning it)

Think i would just try and get things more on my terms and wait it out. Not sure if im explaining this well but its what i would do.

[NameOnTheCake]

dcifrs -

I think you should have really awkward, unpleasant sex with the girl you don't like. problem will fix itself from there

[DcifrThs]

1. this is the girl that doesn't do the phone. so "call" would be me texting her tonight w/ like "what's your schedule like this weekend?" and see what she says. as of now, i don't plan on doing that or contacting her at all until she reaches out.

2. having unpleasant sex isn't a possibility at this point as we've only kissed due to circumstances (mostly of her making it seems) for our 3 dates. yet i've met her sister, etc. etc. etc.

3. id never tell her i was annoyed at her lol. c'mon.

[Chitown3b18]

Dcifr,

I agree. Don't call, text or reach out to her until she does, and make sure she gives you a definitive time that she is free to see you. You have made your interest known, and she knows it unless she is socially handicapped. If she wants to see you she will come up with some time, otherwise on to the next.

Oh, and if there is another date, make some sexy time happen. As everyone should know, if that happens and you are good in bed, I got 10 to 1 that her schedule will just happen to open up a lot more with you.

[DcifrThs]

Originally Posted by Chitown3b18

Dcifr,

I agree. Don't call, text or reach out to her until she does, and make sure she gives you a definitive time that she is free to see you. You have made your interest known, and she knows it unless she is socially handicapped. If she wants to see you she will come up with some time, otherwise on to the next.

Oh, and if there is another date, make some sexy time happen. As everyone should know, if that happens and you are good in bed, I got 10 to 1 that her schedule will just happen to open up a lot more with you.

it's now 3 for 3 with the sequence of me posting about her and then her texting me. this time it was because we had a scheduled date to ski on friday and her text was:

"looks like rain for friday :-(. i guess it's safe to say ski season is over"

i'll reply later on tonight:

"maybe for you. i'm going to deer valley next week :-). drinks on friday instead?"

[samsonh]

Originally Posted by DcifrThs

1. this is the girl that doesn't do the phone. so "call" would be me texting her tonight w/ like "what's your schedule like this weekend?" and see what she says. as of now, i don't plan on doing that or contacting her at all until she reaches out.

2. having unpleasant sex isn't a possibility at this point as we've only kissed due to circumstances (mostly of her making it seems) for our 3 dates. yet i've met her sister, etc. etc. etc.

3. id never tell her i was annoyed at her lol. c'mon.

Meeting her sister isn't the big deal you make it out to be. She could be close friends with her sister or want to get her sister's opinion on you or any of a number of other things. I find the fact the you bring it up in "Yet I've met her sister" way is kind of weird however.