SPOILER THIS WILL BE RIDICULOUSLY TL;DR
So I have 3 people I go to for honest, serious advice. Everyone else will more or less tell me what I want to hear, and I know it. Unfortunately, these 3 are NOT people to go to for relationship/love advice:
1) Routinely dates women who are above him on the looks scale (I'm talking lands women 2pts+ above him, which is somewhat unheard of). The catch? He's been dumped by every single girl he's ever dated. His advice will be to make things right.
2) The second I'm not as close with as I once was. See:
http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/34...stairs-649655/ . He married this woman, even though she's a fraction of the woman he met + he brings everything to table, and she brings very little. He gives me great advice if I need it, but I dont value his love advice. Obv, he "settled".
3) The third has ALWAYS been a 'one foot out the door' kind of guy in every relationship. He's currently in the midst of a breakup w/ a gf of 2 & 1/2 years that he wouldnt even admit she was his gf for the first 9 months! He's obv going to say "leave"
Background
My gf and I have been together 4 & 1/2 years now. I'm 31. She just turned 34. I'm white, she's black. Does this matter? Yes (to my parents and to financials), and no (I dont come home to my "black gf" anymore, I just come home to my gf). Her family is from the south. Very nice people, but they grew up in generations of poverty (decendents of slaves). I know if we were to get married, the majority of the cost would be on me and/or my family. P.S. My family is incredibly white, grew up in a small upper mid-class town of 15k ppl, and less than 1% were non-Caucasian. So the adjustment was NOT easy on my parents. So much so that I shouted at my mom one day that after 3 + years, the color of her skin shouldn't still an issue. They like my gf, but I know this still isn't easy on them.
Admittedly, for the first 6-9 months of our relationship I was treating this as a one-foot-out-the-door type of thing (1st it was "I'd never date this girl". Then it was "I'd never get in a REAL relationship w/ her"). Honestly, the girl I met and was hooking up w/ in the beginning was a train wreck (TERRIBLE credit, no career aspirations, bad decisions at seemingly every turn in life). We've both grown through each other in the past 4+ years, but honestly from beginning to present, she's grown more through me than I have through her. Feel free to tell me I'm an ego-maniac (which might be accurate), but it's the truth.
Looks:
-Honestly, I have a tough looks scale. I consider her roughly a 7, *maybe* 7.5. I routinely get told how hot she is. We've been out eating on several occasions and random people (usually older men) come up to tell us how beautiful she is (in 5 years, this has happened no less than 15 times ...in sober situations, not at bars). Me? Tbf, I'm probably a 6.5. Bald, but in really good shape (run a 5:20ish mile, Bench-300, Squat-365 for reps, weighing 190). Why does this matter? Because Im shallow, and honestly looks are important to me. She's the better-looking of the two, but we're often told we're going to have great looking kids.
Income:
-Neither one of us makes great money (I made more when online poker was a viable secondary source of income). I work in Finance, she just landed a job as an LPN (Liscenced Practical Nurse). She gets slightly annoyed when I bring up the fact that I want her going back to school to become an RN. I get annoyed that she doesn't share my vision that the two of us made mistakes in our early 20s and right now hard work helps to make up for lost time. We're def the people in our social circle who make the least (note: "our" social circle = 90% my friends + their gf/fiance/wife. Before we met, she spent the last 8 years living in Pittsburgh for college and after. She's made a few friends here, but to be fair, making friends in your late 20's and beyond isn't like it is in your teens->early 20s). So yeah, I've always outearned her and paid the lion's share of mutual stuff (food, furniture, bla bla bla).
We've broken up 3 times in the relationship:
-1st was 3 months in, she wanted a relationship, I wouldnt settle for her.
-2nd was ~ the 1 Year mark. Honest-to-God, I don't remember what caused it, I believe it was just a massive fight that escalated into not talking for a few weeks.
-Last one was October of last year. This one was the real one. She got a DWI in June. She got a DWI in June after she drove home hammered one night in May, and I sat her down and explained to her that I have a former friend who killed someone in a DWI. I have multiple friends who have had DWIs. I explained to her that aside from the human life risk, WE CAN'T AFFORD THE COST OF A DWI!! The night she got it, I talked to her an hour earlier (she was at a bachlorette party w/ her sister) and told her not to drive, that I would come get her. I texted both her and her sister after that to let me come get them and we would get her sister's truck in the am. But they get lost. She gets the bright idea to take over driving for her sister. Cops pulls them over. $1k of my money, and $4k of her dad's (which she had/has to pay back). Aside from that, I just got tired of everything. I worked 50 hrs/week THEN went to the gym every day (yes, I work out 7 days/week) only to come home and see her sitting on the couch. I'm the one who cooks. Honestly, I'm a fairly solid cook. I got tired of coming home to someone who didn't want more out of life.
Then I met someone else. An amazing girl at work, who at one point, myself and everyone I worked with, considered "untouchable". Well, said girl and I were actually going through a lot of the same (she was thinking about ending it w/ a bf of 2 years, who was becoming a loser). Said mythical girl was the one actually asked me out. We went out a few times and a day came that I was going to end it w/ my gf. And I did. She moved out. We had been building to it for months of not being close (admittedly compounded by the precense of a new girl). Well, as I was ending it w/ my gf, said mythical girl met someone else. I'd like to say I read the whole thing wrong, but I didn't. I even flat-out asked her after Date #2, "This is going sound retarded, but am I reading all of this right?" Reply, "No, you're not reading it wrong. I really like you. You have x,y,z..." Well, the guy she chose (and is still seeing) owns a construction company. I'd call her a golddigger, but anyone who thinks money doesnt make you happy is either a fool or has real issues preventing them from being happy.
My gf & I broke up October 1st. We ended up talking around beginning of November. Got back together (see: hooking up) just after Thanksgiving. We've been together since. She doesn't know there was ever another girl.
My lease w/ my current roomate is up in November. I feel like my gf and I are heading down the same path (w/out there being someone else in the picture this time). IM REALLY INTO FIT WOMAN. I can't hammer this point home enough. I'd rather have a great body and an ok face, than great face and ok body. Well, she's great face, ok body. She has the genes to have an absurd body (her cousin currently holds the Collegiate Record in the 60M Dash). She stays pretty fit from eating well (which Im largely responsible for) and working out ~ 2/week.
Other Issues:
She's 34. She knows her biological clock is ticking. She wants kids bad, and soon! I don't want kids until I can afford house+kids, which is 2 years away. I would be alright w/ NEVER having kids.
Admittedly, she is the nicest girl I've ever dated. I've dated my fair share of women from 15 years of age to now. I can honestly say I've never spent time with a girl who is as kind of a human being as her. She never has a horrible thing to say about anyone, EVER. And thats refreshing when im around ppl who talk sh*t most of the day (work, friends, myself). There's a lot about her I could replace. This I know I can't.
I guess my questions are:
1. How much of our current spat is me? Is it pretty unrealistic, being someone in great shape, to ask your significant other to be in the gym 3-4x/week (or hell to say to me "Let's go running/hiking/biking today.")? I'm not looking for her to be there the 9x in a week, I am, but 3-4 is doable imo. You would think this is something I could stress, and she would oblige. I have, and she hasn't.
2. At 31, should I be happy w/ what I have? I'm a decent-looking guy, who makes slightly below average money (I will see promotions in the next few years, but I know I'm ~2 years away from making the kind of money that has us set). To anyone reading this at 21 y/o, trust me the dating market at 30 is a LOT more picked over than it is at 20! I know this. That's not to say neither one of us could land someone younger, but a 30 y/o, w/out crazy bank, generally isn't landing a hot 23 y/o for keeps.
3. I feel like I'm the one always pushing her to be better, yet she see's this as "nothing is ever good enough". She's not wrong, as that honestly is my approach to a lot of things in life. How much of this is me being a massive dou*he vs. striving for more out of myself + those around me?
4. How many couples aren't really ecstatic to be around each other, and more or less 'settle' for something that is just 'ok'. I feel like a life w/ her will equate to neither being happy, nor unhappy. Just a state of malaise.
Sorry for the absurd rant. We got into an arguement in the past day that had us both acknowledging that we may have done all the growing we're going to do in this relationship. My brain is telling me to go. And it's easy to take a break. It gets exponentially more difficult in the weeks and months to come. Even if her and I ended up going our seperate ways for good, I would always hope she finds someone who makes her happy + gives her everything she wants out of life.
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