Dating/Relationship General Advice Thread - Volume 10 --Spring 2012 Edition

[Mittens]

Originally Posted by diddyeinstein

I did not know 'comorbid' was a word, so thanks for that.

Comorbidity refers to two medical (often psychological disorders) occurring in the same patient at the same time. I was trying to make a subtle implication that shutting oneself off to intimacy of any sort for 10 months is probably eligible for the DSM.

I'm willing to admit this may have been too subtle.

i tend to agree with citanul though because i've done a ldr and went vast periods w/o sex tho not 10 mos

OK... it doesn't mean its the right thing to do necessarily. And it certainly doesn't mean Shamrock is immature for being concerned about it. Citanul is normally a very solid poster but I cannot disagree more with what he said in the last two posts.

[James Morgan]

Originally Posted by Mittens

My thoughts:
-10 months, not only without sex, but without the possibility of sex, romance, cuddling, dating, or whatever it is that he values from the opposite sex is huge. Every person I've known who has had stretches like this in their lives has found it comorbid with depression. I don't think that's an accident. I think it's ridiculous that Citanul is trying to diminish this as selfish behavior. This is a huge deal, and while the OP might not be that articulate about it, he's properly recognizing the significance of the issue. Citinul isn't. Denigrating someone who is bringing up something that would be a major issue in a healthy MARRIAGE as having a relationship "dependent on the physical" is such an insulting mischarecterization of what's going on here.

It is a major big deal, sucks balls and is a serious danger for your relationship. Every reasonable human behind would agree on that. I think they main differences lies in seeing this is an issue that has to be discussed and fixed or as a given/sacrifice that must be made.

In terms of bringing up this issue the major problem is that there is no solution and discussing the issue automatically leads to one of the biggest fears/uncertainties/problems in LDR: cheating/trust issues.

How you handle this situation tells, in my experience, a lot of your character and how you view relationship. This could explain some of the opposed. views.

James

[citanul]

Apologies for my last two posts. The tone was off. James post above + whomever talked about not generalizing women + immaturity is what I wanted to say. I'll leave it there for now.

[Mittens]

Originally Posted by James Morgan

It is a major big deal, sucks balls and is a serious danger for your relationship. Every reasonable human behind would agree on that. I think they main differences lies in seeing this is an issue that has to be discussed and fixed or as a given/sacrifice that must be made.

In terms of bringing up this issue the major problem is that there is no solution and discussing the issue automatically leads to one of the biggest fears/uncertainties/problems in LDR: cheating/trust issues.

How you handle this situation tells, in my experience, a lot of your character and how you view relationship. This could explain some of the opposed. views.

James

I simply don't think that this a given or a sacrifice that must be made given the type of relationship OP has going on right now. I agree that talking about this with his gf might be counterproductive or create trust issues, but I'm stunned that this thread isn't encouraging OP to think about breaking up given the logistics. Because he definitely should be at least considering that.

This is one of those situations where it seems very clear cut that OP needs to understand his own needs and life circumstance and structure his dating around that. He's not doing anyone, including the girl, any favors by pressuring himself into a relationship structure that will tax his mental health for an extended period.

[diddy!]

Originally Posted by Mittens

Comorbidity refers to two medical (often psychological disorders) occurring in the same patient at the same time. I was trying to make a subtle implication that shutting oneself off to intimacy of any sort for 10 months is probably eligible for the DSM. I'm willing to admit this may have been too subtle.

Well, yes I know this now because I was like "what the **** kinda typo is that" and googled it.

OK... it doesn't mean its the right thing to do necessarily. And it certainly doesn't mean Shamrock is immature for being concerned about it. Citanul is normally a very solid poster but I cannot disagree more with what he said in the last two posts.

I definitely agree with the bold section of your post. I think it would be more of a problem if he was just to go blithely on and not even consider the sexual deprivation he will be subjecting himself to. Also, I'm no real authority to speak on LDRs because I did eventually cheat in that relationship primarily because of the lack of oversight (GF 2k miles away) and a desire for sex in the moment. I don't regret the LDR, but in retrospect I do wish we had stuck to the guns of our original agreement to stop dating seriously when she moved away to grad school rather than balking at the last moment and struggling through a year of a LDR that eventually failed anyways. You live and learn though.

[shamrock20]

Originally Posted by diddyeinstein

I think it would be more of a problem if he was just to go blithely on and not even consider the sexual deprivation he will be subjecting himself to.

This has been swirling in my head and it isn't getting easier to think about.

Originally Posted by Mittens

This is one of those situations where it seems very clear cut that OP needs to understand his own needs and life circumstance and structure his dating around that. He's not doing anyone, including the girl, any favors by pressuring himself into a relationship structure that will tax his mental health for an extended period.

The last three weeks (recently saw the GF for a month straight, literally everyday) since being in the US I have been depressed. There have been a lot of things going on making my situation out here difficult and this on top of everything has left me in a definite funk. I feel like I am not myself- I'm not sure if its due to having an awesome time and having to put that on hold or the fact that I am going to be here alone; or of course, both.

When in the US- I traveled to places where I was surrounded by love and people who cared greatly for me. Now its just anxiety ridden sleep and clawing myself out of bed.

/violin.

But ya it sucks.

[James Morgan]

Originally Posted by Mittens

I simply don't think that this a given or a sacrifice that must be made given the type of relationship OP has going on right now. I agree that talking about this with his gf might be counterproductive or create trust issues, but I'm stunned that this thread isn't encouraging OP to think about breaking up given the logistics. Because he definitely should be at least considering that.

This is one of those situations where it seems very clear cut that OP needs to understand his own needs and life circumstance and structure his dating around that. He's not doing anyone, including the girl, any favors by pressuring himself into a relationship structure that will tax his mental health for an extended period.

Since OP mentioned marrying the girl i assumed maintaining the relationship was sort of set in stone.

You add a valuable point for sure, walking way is always an option.

As OP knows the LDR will be a period of 10 months of pain. The questions that both persons should ask themselves; can i do this and is it worth it?

In general time will tell....

[Crozbee]

Originally Posted by Mittens

I simply don't think that this a given or a sacrifice that must be made given the type of relationship OP has going on right now. I agree that talking about this with his gf might be counterproductive or create trust issues, but I'm stunned that this thread isn't encouraging OP to think about breaking up given the logistics. Because he definitely should be at least considering that.

This is one of those situations where it seems very clear cut that OP needs to understand his own needs and life circumstance and structure his dating around that. He's not doing anyone, including the girl, any favors by pressuring himself into a relationship structure that will tax his mental health for an extended period.

This.

The mere fact that he's already thinking he can't do it means it's destined to fail. People in general who are in a relationship and then have to be apart for a long period of time always think they can do it and then months in realize they can't. If he's already having these thoughts then he's either going to end up breaking up with her or cheating on her and then breaking up with her.

[shamrock20]

The reason it is coming up is because it seems like you need to polarize in this decision- either go the full or figure something out now. No point in getting 5 mo. in and then doing something stupid. That is the reason for my question.

[skunkworks]

It amazes me how willing people are to do long-distance relationships now. They think that phone calls and Skype are suitable temporary replacements, but the truth is that it's a highly unnatural situation.

[Deldar182]

Mmmmm if you're debating it this much you're probably not ready for it? Maybe just cut her off and pick it back up when she's around?

That's what my gut says

[nitwitnit]

Alright, so someone explain this to me because this one is ridiculous. I usually think of dating as get a girls number, call her, ask her out, go out on a few dates, and if things go well sleep with her then get into a relationship.

This girl is doing a different thing. First she asks all her friends about me. Then she hangs out at my brothers place multiple times. Then she does this crazy insecure thing that eventually stopped (thank god). Then I saw her at the bar a few times, I get her number, and she starts going on this rant again about how she sleeps with a buncha guys yadayada then starts asking relationship questions to my 3 friends and tells me she'll see her boyfriend on friday. Not impressed. I told her my longest relationship was 3 years, then just ****ed off lol. 3 years isn't true, the whole thing is retarded. Just go on a date ffs.

[Pinocchi0]

do you think it's okay to take a girl round to your friends house to watch football (soccer) on a "first date"? I think she does like football to some extent and its a big game...

[Fabian]

Originally Posted by Pinocchi0

do you think it's okay to take a girl round to your friends house to watch football (soccer) on a "first date"? I think she does like football to some extent and its a big game...

Absolutely not. Do it tomorrow instead, or whatever.

[LucidDream]

Obviously that is not a good first date.