Dating/Relationship General Advice Thread - Volume 10 --Spring 2012 Edition - Page 63 - EDF Forum

El Diablo · 06-15-2012, 02:26 AM

Rubio,

How far did things go sexually in the four dates you had? How old are you two?

Rubio · 06-15-2012, 10:30 AM

El diablo,

Second base. 24 and 23.

SOSHOT · 06-15-2012, 12:14 PM

My gf is great but 10 years older than me. Are we doomed?

El Diablo · 06-15-2012, 12:46 PM

Rubio,

Two pretty reasonable sounding options to me:

1: She thinks you are awesome and is a little bit, but not super sexually attracted to you. So she likes the idea of dating somone as nice/fun/cool/compatible/etc as you, but when push comes to shove she can't really get excited about it, ie: no butterflies in stomach etc.

2: She likes you a lot but has emotional issues re: relationships due to prior relationships or family stuff that has happened to her, and wants to distance herself from you before getting too emotionally attached.

Either way, this doesn't sound like something that will end well for you if you pursue. If you want to see her and maybe have sex with her, don't pursue her or make yourself too available, but when she texts you sometime to hang out that night, go hang out with her and see what happens. I suspect you are much more likely to successfully have a casual hook up now and then thing with her rather than a serious dating relationship, and there's a good chance that the closer you get to the latter or even if you hint about it when talking, she'll distance herself and/or become less interested in you.

nitwitnit · 06-15-2012, 04:05 PM

Personally rubario I think you should be taking a different tack with this one. I'd go something like this -

Quote:

Originally Posted by Rubio

Her:I'm so sorry Rubio.
Me: Why?

This is called baiting

Her: Because I wanted to stay with you but she wasn't having it. I really wanted to stay with you.

hook

Me: Well your friends a cockblocking peice of ****. Why don't we have a threesome later instead?
Her: I really am sorry. I always seem to screw it up.
Me: I'm just looking for sex here anyways, there's nothing to screw.

that'll teach her

Her: Rubio I really like you, I just seem to really suck at showing you that.
Her: Lost you...
Me:

Grow some overies for ****s sake

Her: I feel like I always end up treating you so poorly.
Me:

No, you just text me **** I don't care about. I'm a visual learner.

Me: Why?
Her: I don't know. I just feel terrible. You deserve to be treated better. I clearly have some issues.
Me:

hearts and kisses forever you will be my sunshine

Seriously, screw this wishy washy crap. Man up women.

nitwitnit · 06-16-2012, 03:52 PM

Anyhow clear drunk post. My point is I think you should be subtly or not so subtly communicating to her that she can just man up and go out with you. I wouldn't really get into all of this other stuff she's going on about. And yeah she's clearly insecure/has some emotional stuff going on.

Rubio · 06-16-2012, 11:01 PM

All,

Thanks for the advice.

shamrock20 · 06-17-2012, 01:24 AM

Looking for some advice.

I met this girl about 1.5 years ago in Germany (both from USA) on a trip. Once we both returned to the US she took a train to visit me before I left to go abroad. The relationship continued to build as I adjusted to living abroad. She has come out to see me and vice versa so the longest we have gone without being around each other is ~5 months.

Just recently, I was home where I met her family and she met mine. We had a great time and discussed her moving abroad. I couldn't tell her to move her life for me and I wanted to return home in 10 months after my work contract was up.

This is going to be the longest stretch where we don't see each other. I have no plans of returning to the US til my time here is up and she is trying to set up her life post college and a trip out here isn't feasible.

I'm losing a lot of friends in the next coming weeks (transient community) and I'm going to have to make new ones. One who was going through essentially the same things and we could talk about how hard LDR and **** were.

This 10 months coming up is going to be extremely hard as not having sex for that time period is depressing to think about. Combined with the fact that I have to meet new friends its very easy to meet women here. I want to drum up the conversation about an open relationship or something of the sort with clear rules. I love my GF but I know how hard 4 months is and staring at 10 is another beast given these circumstances. Additionally, bringing up this conversation will crush her as we both have strong feelings for each other.

I'm sure I'm missing some details but I'm 25 and she is 22. I don't like the fact that it comes off as wanting my cake and eating it too. Sexual contact is a necessity being a 25 yo male and staying celibate for this time is something I don't want to do. We've already discussed getting married and that is a very real idea in my head, I just don't know if bringing up these issues will taint that in her mind.

jfc that got long.

edit:
In regard to our sex life she has mentioned 3somes and I have expressed interest in other women. She has dated a woman at one point in her life which she vehemently labels a 'giant mistake' and will never do so again. Just trying to give some background of her sexuality in relation to a proposed open relationship or something of the like.

Pinocchi0 · 06-17-2012, 04:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shamrock20

Looking for some advice.

I met this girl about 1.5 years ago in Germany (both from USA) on a trip. Once we both returned to the US she took a train to visit me before I left to go abroad. The relationship continued to build as I adjusted to living abroad. She has come out to see me and vice versa so the longest we have gone without being around each other is ~5 months.

Just recently, I was home where I met her family and she met mine. We had a great time and discussed her moving abroad. I couldn't tell her to move her life for me and I wanted to return home in 10 months after my work contract was up.

This is going to be the longest stretch where we don't see each other. I have no plans of returning to the US til my time here is up and she is trying to set up her life post college and a trip out here isn't feasible.

I'm losing a lot of friends in the next coming weeks (transient community) and I'm going to have to make new ones. One who was going through essentially the same things and we could talk about how hard LDR and **** were.

This 10 months coming up is going to be extremely hard as not having sex for that time period is depressing to think about. Combined with the fact that I have to meet new friends its very easy to meet women here. I want to drum up the conversation about an open relationship or something of the sort with clear rules. I love my GF but I know how hard 4 months is and staring at 10 is another beast given these circumstances. Additionally, bringing up this conversation will crush her as we both have strong feelings for each other.

I'm sure I'm missing some details but I'm 25 and she is 22. I don't like the fact that it comes off as wanting my cake and eating it too. Sexual contact is a necessity being a 25 yo male and staying celibate for this time is something I don't want to do. We've already discussed getting married and that is a very real idea in my head, I just don't know if bringing up these issues will taint that in her mind.

jfc that got long.

edit:
In regard to our sex life she has mentioned 3somes and I have expressed interest in other women. She has dated a woman at one point in her life which she vehemently labels a 'giant mistake' and will never do so again. Just trying to give some background of her sexuality in relation to a proposed open relationship or something of the like.

would you be okay with her sleeping with other guys?

i would probably just bang other girls and not tell her, but im a bit of a dick...

jeffg576 · 06-18-2012, 10:37 AM

Had a sitdown with her and half-assed it. Think it might have worked better since I blamed the distance and fended off the moving thing in quite well. I will likely have another update as we are still ongoing but hopefully no plans this weekend. Hope I am not bored and cave

LucidDream · 06-18-2012, 03:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeffg576

Had a sitdown with her and half-assed it. Think it might have worked better since I blamed the distance and fended off the moving thing in quite well. I will likely have another update as we are still ongoing but hopefully no plans this weekend. Hope I am not bored and cave

Seems like the sitdown was fairly pointless then.

James Morgan · 06-18-2012, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by shamrock20

Looking for some advice.
I'm sure I'm missing some details but I'm 25 and she is 22. I don't like the fact that it comes off as wanting my cake and eating it too. Sexual contact is a necessity being a 25 yo male and staying celibate for this time is something I don't want to do. We've already discussed getting married and that is a very real idea in my head, I just don't know if bringing up these issues will taint that in her mind.

I went succesfully through a 7 months LDR; you may find my view usefull.

It is hard to offer you solid advice without knowing how you both handled the previous 5 month stretch. This will surely influence how you both perceive and handle a 10 month stretch.

Two additional things that are important:

1. You have to be absolutely sure you can both handle the fact that you may sleep with xx other persons during this period. If either of you have a single doubt about this the aftermath will hurt you a lot long term.
2. If you suggest an open relationship and she is not up for it you will have to deal with major trust issues for the upcomming 10 months. Girl has to be quite tough to handle that, especially if you like your freedom (which you clearly do).

I have the feeling you know your ideal situation and try to gouge if you can realize this situation without risking your relationship. Well, any LDR to do is a major risk for your relationship and making it an open LDR for 10 months is an even bigger risk.
If you want to marry this person and the previous 5 months were fine. I would suck it up, mutually sacrifice time/money for meeting up and not suggest having an open relationship.

And.. keep your dick in your pants.

James

afernando · 06-18-2012, 10:58 PM

I need some expert advice.

The deal is basically that I like a girl from my school that is currently on a LTR. I'm 23, she is 20 and she has been in this relationship for almost 4 years or something. She is currently unhappy at her life but I don't have any details about her relationship because she has never mentioned her bf and I have never asked her about him.

The good news for me is that we flirt a lot, our conversations are a good mix of more personal stuff and playful teasing, we sometimes hold hands for small periods of times, she laughs a lot about the stuff that I say, she can't stop playing with her hair around me. My friends think she is into me based on what Ive told them and we have already been teased in our school.

The bad news for me is that she has a boyfriend ( worth repeating again imo), she rarely goes to school and when she goes she spends really little time there, she is still reluctant to more psysical contact ( for instance she will let go of my hand after 3 seconds) and she doesn't always answer my phone calls.

Anyway this situation has been going on for 2 months or something but last Friday I hitted on her really hard constantly touching her and carresing her to the point she told me to stop but in a very playful manner( no alcohol involved btw).

I now want to make a move but I don't know exactly what to do, my friends suggest a more casual aproach like " hey do you want to grab a cup of coffee" but the logistics are really hard because she is always around other people when she is actually in school and even when we spend time alone we get interrupted all the time, so the only solution seems to be to man up, call her and ask her out on a date. Any thoughts?

samsonh · 06-19-2012, 10:02 AM

She has a boyfriend so you have a couple options. Wait around while she flirts with you but has sex with her boyfriend, or go date other girls and wait til she breaks up with the guy and then pursue it.

I'm trying to picture you grabbing her hand to hold it and laughing. You're 23, not 14. You're not going to win her over by doing what you're doing now imo

shamrock20 · 06-19-2012, 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by James Morgan

Two additional things that are important:

1. You have to be absolutely sure you can both handle the fact that you may sleep with xx other persons during this period. If either of you have a single doubt about this the aftermath will hurt you a lot long term.
2. If you suggest an open relationship and she is not up for it you will have to deal with major trust issues for the upcomming 10 months. Girl has to be quite tough to handle that, especially if you like your freedom (which you clearly do).

I have the feeling you know your ideal situation and try to gouge if you can realize this situation without risking your relationship. Well, any LDR to do is a major risk for your relationship and making it an open LDR for 10 months is an even bigger risk.
If you want to marry this person and the previous 5 months were fine. I would suck it up, mutually sacrifice time/money for meeting up and not suggest having an open relationship.

And.. keep your dick in your pants.

James

This. I'd like to think she'd be understanding but probably not.

5 months sucked balls. Once I went out with some friends and made out with a girl- nothing more (felt reaaaal ****ty after). Told her the next day which resulted in quite a lot of anger from her, obv. We have a very honest relationship with each other and have told her its very difficult to do this without any physical relationship.

It is hard to convey to women that physical relations are a necessity in life. I think that is the only way for her to understand how tough it is out here sometimes but women usually want to hear nothing of the sort.