Dating/Relationship General Advice Thread - Volume 10 --Spring 2012 Edition

[DcifrThs]

Originally Posted by Deldar182

Change mood, not mind. Don't try to convince her with "logic". This is an assured route to failure with any woman. Just continue being awesome.

well...we should check to see if he's legal...how old are you crybabycoke?

[crybabycoke]

definitely legal. 21

edit: I should also say that her kids live with her while they go to college. They are my age. One is a year older, one is a year younger. I think this is kinda a reason why she's hesitant.

[jeccross]

Originally Posted by Kazuya

jecross - good luck sir.

I'm there now got married in April. I am speaking from experience, you do get over it.

[DcifrThs]

Originally Posted by crybabycoke

definitely legal. 21

edit: I should also say that her kids live with her while they go to college. They are my age. One is a year older, one is a year younger. I think this is kinda a reason why she's hesitant.

i'll be honest, my first reaction when reading this was "damn...that's kinda ****ed up"

like from her perspective, she's dating one of her kids' friends. like it's hard from her perspective to accept being interested in somebody your child's age.

EDIT: but at the same time, if she DIDNT have kids, this wouldn't appear to me to be ****ed up in the least.

[crybabycoke]

yeah.. I've never really talked with her kids or know them on a personal level. I gotta say while we may be the same age, I'm really different and I think that's why we got to know each other in the first place.

They still depend on her income for everything, I've pretty much supported myself since hs

They drink and occasionally use drugs. I haven't since high school

They like to spend their moms money on expensive **** and show it off. I'm a pretty humble guy and don't really care about objects unless it's complete garbage.

We see eye to eye on a lot of things which is pretty weird imo, and she's straight up told me she's really attracted to me and i'm everything she wants in a guy and how if there wasn't a 20 year age gap between us we'd prolly be dating atm.
She's asain btw, so she looks more like 30.

Edit: So, I'm like "what's the problem then?" and "it's ok to be attracted to a young guy" and "I have no problem dating an older woman" just little stuff like that to let her know i'm fine with it and she should too. Is this good or no?

I don't want to get into her personal problems on here but that's another thing.

ALSO: thanks for all the advice you've given over in the limit forums Dc, i've always thought you gave really good advice and backed it up with a sound thought process. LOL try not be flattered since i'm 21 hahaha, help me out here again man

[jeffg576]

Originally Posted by LucidDream

I don't really understand how her being moody or abrasive makes it hard for you to let it fizzle out. Sure, she may realize what's happening and go into full bitch mode but that doesn't change anything...just makes it easier to end it for you. So she will either let it slowly die as well or she may go crazy, at which point you keep your composure, just cut off contact, and its over. You don't really need to do the whole let's be friends or give her a reason why you want to end it...if you want to end it then its over....the distance thing helps your cause quite a bit too.

Yeah we are seeing each other this weekend and I have a lot of things racing in my mind. The distance thing would help if we end it. I would like it to work but I dont see things getting better.

[jeffg576]

Originally Posted by Deldar182

Don't do this.

Sounds like you should end it or let her move in and see how it pans out. Seems like the distance thing isn't working very well.

It is not so much the distance as the woman. Like Lucid said the distance could work if we do the just be friends since it might keep her from going into all out bitch mode. She knows plenty of things I have been going through and is not a bad person to talk with but aside from that I dont know anymore. I might go for the break this weekend.

I wouldnt mind the moving in except if had to end it once she was moved in then I feel like that could be a total disaster and she would be here close by and associating with all my friends etc. I also as stated already had an issue with a psycho getting my personal info. She doesnt take things well and is overemotional. As I write this I think I know I have to break it off this weekend. I think she could actually be a friend.

[jeffg576]

I am 90 percent sure I have to break it this weekend. I prefer the sit down dinner and honest conversation including being friends but am open to other ideas. Phone wouldnt be bad but that just seems wrong. I also do like this other girl who is "available". I could also easily go without dating for awhile as I go out most nights with friends and keep quite busy.

[LucidDream]

You are not in an exclusive relationship with her. You don't owe her dinner and a break up. I'm not sure why you like the idea of remaining friends with her. She sounds hard to get along with and is 2 hours away so it would really just be you guys claiming to remain friends mostly rather than actually being friends. I wouldn't turn this whole thing into a formal dinner and break up with her.

[silversword]

thanks for reponses guys.

saw her several times a week most of the time at my flat. we would pick up some ketamine (yes i know - explains a lot doesn't it) then go back to mine and get messed up. looking back now i remember so little of those evenings. can't remember any conversations. we were completely out of it pretty much all the time we were together. what a way to build and maintain a healthy relationship huh?

i am likely massively overvaluing the relationship. i said to her at the end i was just a drug buddy to her and she replied 'i could have gone anywhere to get it' (i.e. not through me) which tells me she was interested all along. meh, messy times. am thankful to be entirely drug free these days.

so far a girl showing any hint of interest has been a rare occurrence so i guess i'm just frustrated that i didn't make it happen. she's so cute and i hear sex is fun.

anyway as others have said the focus should be on my personal development now.

burdz i live in england...

[DcifrThs]

lol...ss, this is just beyond my level of understanding. it was kinda there before you introduced animal tranquilizer. after that though...it's way beyond me lol. you shoulda not gotten messed up and obv had sex. as sheldon would say: i hear ketamine is contraindicated for coitus.

crybaby: glad you got some value from my limit posts. not sure how much more help i can be here though. if logic were an integral part of relationships...well...they wouldn't be relationships lol

i honestly think this is a hard, uphill battle. just because you are different than her kids doesn't mean you appear different enough to her to have sex with you. even in the reverse situation it's not really seen as a good thing though it may be more acceptable (not sure though as 42y/o father having sex w/ 21y/o daughter's friends is kinda creeper...maybe creepier than 42y/o mother w/ 21y/o son's friends).

anyways, this is tough. not much you can do i don't think to increase your chances one way or the other.

[Rubio]

Was hoping I could get some advice.

I wrote about this girl a while ago on a different account, but a brief overview:

I dated a girl in December/ January. We probably went out on a total of four dates, all of which I enjoyed and thought she enjoyed. When I tried to set up a fifth one she told me she just saw us as being friends and I replied with "Ok, thats fair. Maybe I'll see you around" or something like that. A few months later I saw her and kind of blew her off when she came up to me and I instantly regretted it and kind of apologized in a text. About a month ago I saw her again at my work. This time I made an effort to be friendly with her. Near the end of the night she came up to me and engaged me in conversation, and at some point said "so, what time do you get off work?" and I replied "I don't know, like 2:30" and then we kind of just moved on to another subject. After that I told her I had to take care of something and I'd come back in a little bit, but when I did she had left without saying goodbye.

I was kind of thrown off by all of this, but I figured I'd send her a short text message and when I did she was very responsive. We exchanged one more series of texts started by me and I knew I could probably ask her out again and she'd say yes, but it felt more right for her to make a move, so I left it with "maybe you'll come around some time" and she replied "definitely".

I didn't hear from her for 3 or 4 weeks and then last Friday she suddenly messaged me asking what I was doing that night. I told her I was going out with my friends and asked if she wanted to meet up and she agreed. She showed up with a friend of hers and we instantly began to talk and it went really well. I can give more details on this if necessary. At the end of the night I asked if she wanted to hang out some more and get food or something but her friend pretty much dragged her away. I then got a series of strange text messages.

Her:I'm so sorry Rubio.
Me: Why?
Her: Because I wanted to stay with you but she wasn't having it. I really wanted to stay with you.
Her: I really am sorry. I always seem to screw it up.
Her: Rubio I really like you, I just seem to really suck at showing you that.
Her: Lost you...

I had stopped responding because I was drunk and didn't really want to say something stupid.

The next day we spoke some more and she said this

Her: I feel like I always end up treating you so poorly.
Me: Why?
Her: I don't know. I just feel terrible. You deserve to be treated better. I clearly have some issues.

Later that week I asked her if she wanted to do something and she said "Sorry, I'm working every night this week. Maybe next week?".

I noticed the b.s. response so I replied with "How does this feel to you?" and she replied back "I guess I'm just scared it will have the same fate as last time."

I told her I didn't understand but I thought it was important that I did, and she told me she definitely agreed that I should. We haven't spoken since.

First off, I don't even feel like she has treated me very poorly. She broke it off which sucked, but she did it in a fair way and everything. Secondly, how can she be scared it's going to work out like last time? That's kind of like being afraid of taking a new job because you might quit it like the last one. Is this whole thing worth pursuing? Can anyone figure out what she's doing?

Sorry about the length and everything.

[skunkworks]

Likes you, attracted to you, but when things get a bit more serious, she gets weird and finds ways to justify putting distance between you two. Pretty standard avoidant attachment type stuff.

[LucidDream]

I think I remember you posting about her before. You saw her at work and had a weird interaction with her right?

She seems really wishy washy. You may end up getting drunk and having sex but that is probably the furthest it will go and that will almost for sure not happen sober. If you're looking to date her I would guess that's not going to happen.

[Deldar182]

sounds like she's not worth pursuing seriously, maybe just idly when bored, but prepare to get messed around