Dating/Relationship General Advice Thread - Volume 10 --Spring 2012 Edition - EDF Forum

**citanul** · 03-06-2012, 04:16 PM

Spring is in the air, girls are breaking out the sundresses, and the last thread was 2 years old. As the thread title implies, post your questions, advice, whines, and Asberger's stories.

Link to previous volume: http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/79...dition-756080/

Clear Quality · 03-06-2012, 06:04 PM

I personally don't feel as though it's as simple as me not having "met the right girl". I agree that's possible, though. I'm in my 30s and have been in many relationships, and it's kinda the same story with all of them. I have broken up with girls where we weren't having any real problems, and it was puzzling to them (and me) at the time, but I did it, thinking stuff like "well if you're not in love then you owe it to her to break up" and whatnot. The problem is, I would like to eventually have a family (at least I think!) so while it's easy to say "hey man you just haven't met the right girl, keep looking!" I'm also starting to think that might not happen if I don't come to terms with the reality of my situation.

Just to reiterate, it's not that I'm some emotionless robot. I care about these girls, I just don't get that magical "love" feeling. I don't think about them all day long, and cherish every moment we're together. You might say "join the club" but I feel like I hear a lot of people describe their relationships that way! Several of my friends are married w/ kids etc., and honestly I seriously question the guys' love for their wives. Like, they're probably happy with their situations, but I doubt anyone is madly in love. Conversely, I'd imagine the wives probably feel that way about the husbands.

Mittens · 03-06-2012, 06:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clear Quality

I personally don't feel as though it's as simple as me not having "met the right girl". I agree that's possible, though. I'm in my 30s and have been in many relationships, and it's kinda the same story with all of them. I have broken up with girls where we weren't having any real problems, and it was puzzling to them (and me) at the time, but I did it, thinking stuff like "well if you're not in love then you owe it to her to break up" and whatnot. The problem is, I would like to eventually have a family (at least I think!) so while it's easy to say "hey man you just haven't met the right girl, keep looking!" I'm also starting to think that might not happen if I don't come to terms with the reality of my situation.

Just to reiterate, it's not that I'm some emotionless robot. I care about these girls, I just don't get that magical "love" feeling. I don't think about them all day long, and cherish every moment we're together. You might say "join the club" but I feel like I hear a lot of people describe their relationships that way! Several of my friends are married w/ kids etc., and honestly I seriously question the guys' love for their wives. Like, they're probably happy with their situations, but I doubt anyone is madly in love. Conversely, I'd imagine the wives probably feel that way about the husbands.

I'm much younger than you so ignore my advice.

2OutsNoProb · 03-06-2012, 06:33 PM

Getting married in eight weeks. Any advice on how to survive after April 29th is appreciated

**citanul** · 03-06-2012, 06:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2OutsNoProb

Getting married in eight weeks. Any advice on how to survive after April 29th is appreciated

First, congrats! Second, assuming you've been with the girl for a while, why would anything be different in 9 weeks then it is today? (Disclosure, I'm getting married in 6mo.)

El Diablo · 03-06-2012, 08:42 PM

CQ,

"I feel like I hear a lot of people describe their relationships that way! Several of my friends are married w/ kids etc., and honestly I seriously question the guys' love for their wives. Like, they're probably happy with their situations, but I doubt anyone is madly in love"

I think this is a pretty accurate assessment. I feel like maybe 10-20% of my married/LTR friends have relationships that I really envy and feel like really fall into the category of "love" you describe, while the majority of them are mostly just very comfortable and generally happy/content (and of course some have ****ty relationships).

Clear Quality · 03-06-2012, 08:42 PM

Wow. Way to absolutely crush my side topic. I can't even find my posts in the other thread.

Edit: Thanks for the resurrection, El Diablo.

El Diablo · 03-06-2012, 08:45 PM

JWhitt,

By popular demand, I've created a new thread for discussion of your dating/relationship issues: http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/79...ition-1176800/

El Diablo · 03-06-2012, 08:47 PM

CQ,

I suspect you looked at the JWhitt dating thread, not the previous volume of this thread. Now it's very easy to find the previous posts in your topic on the last page of that thread (starting here http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/79...l#post31901379).

DcifrThs · 03-06-2012, 09:04 PM

so re: the girl who seems interested but gives lots of negative vibes (girl i picked up skiing w/ the pros/cons list from a few pages, ty jwhitt, back. and where eld said correctly to relax)...more 'strange' **** imo:

so i call her sunday after roller hockey b/c she said text me after rollerhockey and i'm kinda not happy about texting all the time so on my drive back i call her. she doesn't pick up (never does. i talked to her 1 time total on the phone so far) and i leave a message. then later that night she texts me (i'm including everything to show there is some banter here so it's weird she acts so strangely)

her: "hey. sorry i didn't get a chance to call you back"
me: np. if you have a few mins to chat you still can :-)"
1.5 hour delay
me[kinda annoyed at the complete lack of phone calling]: are you busy or would you just prefer to not talk on the phone? it's ok...just curious
her: just having some dessert w/ mom and dad. it's mommy's bday. u gonna be up for a while? no worries if not, we can chat manana.
me: oh nice! happy bday to your mom. and yea i'll be up for a while. have a bunch of stuff to do that i napped through after hockey lol
her: ok cool.
me: kk enjoy dessert

1hr later @1030pm
her: hey its kinda late. i feel bad, i'll give you a call tomorrow tho :-)
me: OK. tty manana. hope you had a great dinner
her: thanks! i had shrimpies! soooo good
me: yum yum.
her: omg i'm so full. pretty much in a food coma
me: hahaha. that'll lead to a pretty good sleep
her: oh yes.

then nothing. she didn't call or even text me yesterday to say she couldn't call. didn't text me all day today and then at like 8 was like:

her: in class...waaaaah! haha. hope ur having a nice day.

that's some **** imo. so you can make out with me in front of your sister but can't pick up the phone?

so i chatted w/ a friend of mine about this for a little bit and she thought i should definitely say something since i don't want this happening (choices being respond normally, don't respond for a while, some variations therein, and respond + say something) so i said

me: day was very busy. tomorrow is last day of work for a little bit thankfully. i missed your call last night.

i know she's in class but at some point this is just not ok and i don't want to be a party to it. when we're together in person it's great. this kinda stuff does get a little annoying though.

i think it's clear i'm probably over-reacting but

a) i don't want to set a precedent that it's ok to say you'll do something and not do it
b) i don't want to have a text only relationship w/ her
c) i also don't want to be a petty little bitch about tiny **** like this

so i'm really not sure how to spin this thing. short term it seems i see what she says to that text. i planned this out a bit w/ my friend who thought a really hard line was appropriate and i disagreed. we converged on

her [like 90% likely response]: sorry, was busy.
me: k. i'd have appreciated a text or something though.

and leave it at that. if she wants to engage further then at least she knows her saying X and not doing it is something that's not ok w/ me and if she doesn't then i know where we're at and i can write this off as not worth all the annoyance despite how good we are when we're together. i think she is invested here though so it should sort itself out (we have plans for 2 days next week already, her sister met me, her friends know about me and she's said they said good things etc.).

i just don't like how she comports herself between dates, how annoying it is to set something up with her, and how she's totally anti-phone for some reason i don't get.

i also don't know what to say to her sister's bf if he asks if we're down for saturday. yesterday, expecting her to call, i agreed to dinner and drinks w/ him and this girl's sister in nyc. i said "yea i'll talk to her about it when we chat today and let you know"

so at some point he's gonna ask and i'd rather not say "dunno, haven't talked to her" b/c then i'll end up in a convo w/ this guy about why i haven't talked to his gf's sister and we've only been on 3 dates. this is just WAYYY too involved at this stage and ofc in part it's my overthinking but it's also her for introducing me to her sister this early and making out w/ me in front of the sis/bf/friend. like wtf?

El Diablo · 03-06-2012, 09:18 PM

Dcifr,

You sound exactly like a super needy chick.

2OutsNoProb · 03-06-2012, 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by citanul

First, congrats! Second, assuming you've been with the girl for a while, why would anything be different in 9 weeks then it is today? (Disclosure, I'm getting married in 6mo.)

Was kidding. Typical late 20's white guy my-life-is-over-I'm-getting-hitched-humor. She's an excellent woman who has treated me well, and I foresee no problems. Been together for about 5 1/2 years now, lived together close to 4.

daryn · 03-06-2012, 09:28 PM

wow

@ dcifr

LucidDream · 03-06-2012, 09:34 PM

So you're plan is basically to call her out for not texting you to let you know she can't talk or text atm? Def don't do that. Lighten up for starters. Also stop with all this texting about how she's going to sleep great after eating so much...its really pointless and boring and it has her respond with something pointless and boring, then you do the same again, etc...

You seem to want to have long pointless conversations on the phone or text...why? If you don't talk for a few days that's fine. Also that is a really really long post for something so trivial...stop overthinking so much.

gumpzilla · 03-06-2012, 09:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Clear Quality

Just to reiterate, it's not that I'm some emotionless robot. I care about these girls, I just don't get that magical "love" feeling. I don't think about them all day long, and cherish every moment we're together. You might say "join the club" but I feel like I hear a lot of people describe their relationships that way!

It's tough to take those descriptions super seriously. Maybe they're trying to create good impressions, or even psych themselves up about it. Generally I think the bar that you're setting for love is ridiculously high. I'd say that I love my wife, but how that translates into emotional impact at any given time is pretty damn variable. Sometimes I feel very affectionate and emotional; sometimes it's just sort of relaxing and fun; sometimes I don't feel like putting up with her. To me that seems pretty natural.

Quote:

Originally Posted by citanul

First, congrats! Second, assuming you've been with the girl for a while, why would anything be different in 9 weeks then it is today? (Disclosure, I'm getting married in 6mo.)

Well, potentially a big one is cohabiting. For pragmatic reasons (I liked my 10 minute walk commute) I didn't move in with my wife until after we got married. It turned out that wasn't a big deal for us, but it was definitely something we were apprehensive about going into it. Other standard marriage stuff - finances, family - might be more meaningful now than they were before.

From the male perspective I tend to agree that it doesn't really seem like much should change. But, I'd also say that my relationship got substantially better once we got married mostly because it seemed to give my wife more security. In our particular case, part of that was no doubt because we'd been dating for many years prior to that.