A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it's my duty to provide you with the best possible education, and you do not owe me anything for that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, please each put $1,000 into my coffin when I die."

And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish.

First, it was the doctor who put 10 $100 bills onto the chest of the deceased.

Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 there.

Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He dipped into his pocket, took out his checkbook, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash.

He is currently a member of congress.

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close to 100%, Attitude is what you need to achieve 100%.

• Proof:
  K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
  11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
  H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
  8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
  A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
  1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

But to put you over the top, you need Bull**** and Ass Kissing.

• Proof:
  B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
  2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
  A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
  1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

Oldest nerd ever.

all u need is ZZ Top

Bagpiper at a Funeral





As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a
funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless
man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a
pauper's cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar
with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man,
I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidentlygone and
the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only thediggers and crew left
and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to theside of
the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already inplace. I didn't
know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.I played out
my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.I played like I've
never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept,I
wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipesand
started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in
septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost... It's a man thing.

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.

There, spread out up on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a wooden spoon by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said. "They're for the funeral."

haha

I would have been much better prepped for marriage had this forum existed 50 years ago.

When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said,
“I want the men to make two lines:
One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who
were dominated by their women.”

“I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”

Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.

The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was hundreds of miles long and in the line
of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.

God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household!”

“You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose!”

“Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”

God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”

The man replied, “This is where my wife told me to stand.”

^ Nice. It's fun when you can see the punchline(s) coming

it is a good one

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed, the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office . He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?" He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!"

Thats nice

Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first day."

Taken back, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling 25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance. Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned, "What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail, you're probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

sigh

Is that what passes for libertarian humour?

that was bad.

also we didn't get this story by e-mail

Story has been around at least since the 60s. I got it from one of the British guys. First time I heard it, guy was applying for a job as a church sexton but could neither read nor write. Became millionaire tobacconist.

edit: https://books.google.com/books?id=nF...0write&f=false

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you?"
He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy, a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"

He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom!!!

An old cowboy walks into a barbershop in Dime Box,
Texas. for a shave and a haircut. He tells the barber
he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks
are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the
shelf and tells the old cowboy to put it inside his
cheek to spread out the skin. When he's finished, the
old cowboy tells the barber that was the cleanest shave
he'd had in years, but he wanted to know what would
have happened if he had accidentally swallowed that
little ball. The barber replied, just bring it back in a
couple of days like everyone else does.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/arQ8_P..._load_policy-3

I stopped a child from being molested the other day.



Credit to Rodney Dangerfield

The Blonde on Air Canada
An Air Canada Plane Is On its Way To Toronto,when a Blonde in Economy class Gets Up and Moves to the First class section and Sits Down.

The flight attendant watches Her do this, and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and thatshe will have to sit in the back.the blonde Replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class, that belongs in economy, and won't move back to her seat.the co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to Leave and return to her seat.the blonde replies, "i'm blonde, i'm beautiful, i'm going to toronto and i'm staying right here."

The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.the pilot says, "you say she is a blonde? I'll handle this. i'm married to a blonde. i speak blonde."he goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear, and she says, "oh,i'm sorry." and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy.the flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her, "first class isn't going to toronto".

It's old joke but funny