That's not funny either. More creative than most of latest jokes here but still...

So I made up this joke(I hope may have subconsciously stole it. It's def rough but let me know what you think and/or improvements. I also think this style joke does really bad over text.




So I bought my first house recently but it's a bit of a fixer upper. I have been doing a lot of the handy wok myself to cut down on costs as I don't make a lot. I am currently in the process of saving up for new kitchen counters as the current ones are this ugly white tile. However it is taking a long time to be able to afford the slabs I need, so I have resorted to petty theft and reselling the items on eBay. It has helped immensely. However, my wife confronted me the other day after she saw some electronics I had stolen and it made me realize that I was taking things for granite.

I'll leave now

Probably a good idea, unless you say that with a pitch-perfect Norm MacDonald imitation.

How's this for a rewrite:

I've been saving up for new kitchen counters but it's taking a longer than I'd like. Eventually started stealing stuff to sell on eBay, which has helped, but when my wife confronted me about it she made me realize I was taking things for granite.

Or, Alternative for the last line:

But my wife helped me see how the tile counter top we had wasn't so bad, and that maybe I should stop taking things for granite.

So this penguin is driving his car down the street, when the wheel starts to shake and he starts losing control. He limps it into the first shop he sees.

He's in talking to the mechanic, the mechanic tell him he can fix the car but it's going to take some time. The mechanic suggests that the penguin go and check out the new ice cream parlour down the street that just opened up, and that by the time he was back he should have it all fixed up.

So the penguin waddles off down the street to the ice cream parlour. He orders a large sunday and while eating it gets it all over his face and down his tuxedo front. I don't know if you've ever seen a penguin eat, but with their wings at their sides, they basically have no arms and it's pretty funny. The penguin finishes eating and waddles back to the garage.

The penguin asks the mechanic is his car is fixed. The mechanic gives him this really strange look at says "it looks like you blew a seal".

Cinderella is going to the Big Ball. Evil Stepmother says you better be back by midnight or there will be big trouble. To be sure she is home on time and unbeknownst to Cinderella ES plants a cursed pumpkin seed in her snatch.

Cinderella gets home around 2 and the ES goes berserk. Thinking her curse had failed she demands to know who Cinderella was with. She answers -

"Peter, Peter something"

I have an idea for this thread... you know, so tht it's less aids/ebola. (granted the last few posts have been way better, but it seems like an exception)

Since it's called the "joke of the day" thread, how about we come in here and vote for our fav joke of the current day, then at the end of the day the joke that wins the most votes gets to not be deleted?

^^^ we have had maybe 300-400 jokes in 5 years. Competition for joke of the day may not be that high.

Gutz, seriously, when you abbreviate stuff it takes people right out of the joke. I mean, the jokes will still suck, but at least I won't have to stop and look back to see what you're referencing.

certainly not as high as **** joke of the day

Came up with an idea for a new TV show where red necks throw ice cream at each other. It'll be called The Ben and Jerry Springer Show.

The Personnel Manager for a large company was holding interviews for an open
position. One thing strange about this particular PM was that he had no ears. He could hear just fine, he just didn't have any ears.

The first applicant goes into his office and hands him a 2-page resume. The PM reads it over and says, "It looks like you're qualified for the job. I have just one question: "Do you notice different about me?"

After an uncomfortable pause, the applicant finally says, "Yes I do, you don't have any ears."

The PM takes a pen and scrawls a big "X" on the applicant's resume, then hands it back to him and says, "Please send in the next applicant. Thank you."

The applicant was stunned. As he was leaving the office he whispers to the
next applicant, "Whatever you do, DON'T say anything about his ears."

The second applicant hands the PM his resume. The PM reads it over and finally says, "Well, you're more than qualified for the job. I just have one question, "Do you notice different about me?"

The applicant looks at him for a few seconds and finally says, "Yes, you're wearing contact lenses."

Looking very surprised, the PM says "How in the hell did you know that?"

"Well," the applicant says, "you can't wear glasses - because you don't have any f**king ears!"

TY

If it is "A Penny for your Thoughts" but "You have to put your 2 cents in!" Somebody is making a penny!

oh dear god

So I stayed up all night trying to figure out where the sun goes. Then it dawned on me.

I laughed.

Finally a decent joke!

Reminds me of a Stewart Francis joke: " I was standing in the park the other day wondering 'why does a frisbie appear larger the closer it gets to you?'. Then it hit me."

SO this was on thechive this AM.

Found it ironic:

Three guys decide to take a last minute trip to a ski resort.

As it was last minute there was only one room left so they had to share a bed.

In the morning the guy who slept on the left said "I had this amazing dream last night that I was getting a hand job from Jennifer Lawrence."

The guy who slept on the right said, "wow that's crazy I had the same dream, but it was Jessica Alba!"

The guy who slept in the middle took a sip of coffee and said "heh, that's crazy, last night I dreamed I was skiing."

I think I heard that joke in 1986.

seriously, i laughed on this one XD