How do you get a professional poker player to leave your front door?
Pay for the pizza.

What's the difference between a poker player and a 5-year old?
The 5-year old eventually grows out of whining.

There should be a poker joke thread.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

“Nurse,”‘ he mumbles from behind the mask, “are my testicles black?”

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”

He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?”

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

She looks very closely and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are – my – test – results – back?”

Where do pickled Indians live?

Preservations.

A pollock goes to see his doctor, he tells him he is not feeling well, and tells him he is hurting all over. The doc then asks him to show him where it hurts. The guy proceeds to says it hurts when I press here, it hurts when I press there, it hurts everywhere doc,, I'm scared. Doc looks him over for a few minutes and says Yup!! I found the problem, guy looks ecstatic and asks what is it!!! The doc looks at him and simply says you have a broken finger

Guy walks into a bar and has a seat, bartender comes over and ask the gentleman what's he having, and proceeds to make the drink, meanwhile the patron reaches into his jacket and pulls out a tiny piano and places it onto the bar, right after the guy pulls something else out and it's a tiny little person. The little guy runs right over to the piano and starts playing away, amazed at what he see the bartender asks how in the hell did you pull this off? Guy responds, well I got help from this magic lamp and it's all yours if you cover my tab tonight. Bartender quickly agrees and grabs the magic lamp and runs into the back office. 5 min later all these ducks come rushing out of the back office, ducks, ducks, ducks everywhere, must have been a million of them. Bartender comes out screaming what the hell is this? I asked for a million bucks not ducks, the patron smiles and says do you really think I wished for a 10 inch pianist?

Bump

A man goes to confession.

He tells the priest " Father I am a 75 year old man and last night I slept with two 20 year old girls."

Priest replies " Oh. When was the last time you confessed ? "

Old man says " I have never confessed in my life, I am Jewish. "

Priest " Then why are you telling me this ? "

Old man " I am telling everyone."

Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.

Swing and a miss.

What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Peyton Manning?

One drives a slow, white Bronco, the other is one.

pretty good.

Pretty old, too. The first time I heard this joke, John Elway was the Bronco.

+1

I love a good Chuck Norris joke. This wasn't one...

Holmes and Watson are called to a London flat, where they find the naked body of a beautiful blonde lying face down in the study. Watson examines the body, and announces to his friend "Holmes, I cannot find anything wrong with this poor unfortunate girl apart from a small cut on her left buttock". Holmes replies "well, there you have it Watson, it's a clear case of arsenic poisoning..."

awful

and i usually like puns

^ Terrible. And the bar has been set pretty low lately

So a piece of string walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "I'm sorry we don't serve string here". The string walks out and heads to another bar.

Again the string walks in and orders a beer, once again the bartender says "I'm sorry but we don't serve string here". The string walks out of the bar, ties himself into a knot and frays the ends. He then walks back into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says "are you sure you're not a string" and the string says "nope, I'm a frayed knot".

So a couple years ago I was over at my girlfriend's house making dinner. I was in the kitchen chopping some veggies when her cat clawed my leg and startled me, I jumped back and dropped the knife, and it sliced the cat's tail clean off.

My girlfriend comes running in, sees the cat and starts screaming. She's holding the cat and yelling at me. I pick up the tail and tell her not to worry, that we'll take the cat to Walmart and everything will be fine. She's like WTF? Walmart? What are you talking about.

I'm like "Haven't you heard? Walmart is the world's largest retailer"

Wouldn't that make him a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac?

Why was the pirate worth $2?

He was a buccaneer!

Many years ago in what is now Lapland there was a kingdom ruled by a giant bear. Sardik, as the bear was known, ruled with the help of an elite cadre of Royal Knights, the Order of the Bear. Once each year, a great tournament would be held, where aspiring knights were tested to winnow out those deemed worthy of joining the famous Order. It was a dangerous quest, for those who were judged to be unworthy would be dispatched by one great blow from the paw of the mighty Sardik.
The Great Bear, however, was not without compassion, and to ease the grief of the families of those unfortunate youths he would send them one of his prized hunting dogs.
For, as everyone knows - for the mourning after a bad knight, there's nothing better than the dog of the bear that hit ya...

John called his buddy to bail him out of jail.

"It's all a big misunderstanding. You see I was at the dance club last night when they started playing a remix of the twist, so we did the twist. Then they played jump around, so we all jumped around.

Then they played Come on Eileen.... and I got arrested."

Explanation please.

+1. I feel like an idiot for not getting it but prolly shouldnt...

The frayed knot one would be gold if it didn't use both the terms frayed and knot immediately before the punch line.