Doctor: "I've got two pieces of very bad news, I'm afraid."
Patient: "Geez, what is it, doc?!"
Doctor: "You have cancer."
Patient: "OH MY GOD cancer that's horrible! What else is wrong?"
Doctor: "You also have Alzheimer's."
Patient "Well, at least I don't have cancer."

What do you call fans' magazine?

What do a Norwegian Forest Cat and a Persian Cat have in common?

A fat guy walks into a bar and says hey barkeep slide me a cold one and by the way do you think I am fat? The barkeep says can you see your sausage? Fat guy replies yes what kind of question is that...Barkeep says well if you can still see your junk your not that out of shape imo. Fat guy looks at him and says I have a mirror in my bedroom of course I could see my junk.

what an awful joke.

haha I laughed cause it's so ****ing brutal

Bring back raheem imo...

By the way...about the gender equality. I consider that the wife has the right to do anything she wants, but to be delicious.

One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the fine weather. The day was so nice that she became careless and a fox snuck up behind her and caught her.

"I am going to eat you for lunch", said the fox.

"Wait", replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."

"Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"

"Well, I am just finishing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you crazy? I should eat you right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."

"Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come into my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced, you can go ahead and have me for lunch."

"You really are crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit. The fox never came out.

A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to set upon her.

"Wait!" yelled the rabbit, "you can't eat me right now."

"And why might that be, my furry appetizer?"

"I am almost finished writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its grip on the rabbit.

"Maybe I shouldn't eat you; you really are sick ... in the head. You might have something contagious."

"Come and read it for yourself; you can eat me afterward if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went down into the rabbit's hole ... and never came out.

The rabbit finished her thesis and was out celebrating in the local lettuce patch. Another rabbit came along and asked, "What's up? You seem very happy."

"Yup, I just finished my thesis."

"Congratulations. What's it about?"

"'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"

"Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."

"Oh yes. Come and read it for yourself."

So together they went down into the rabbit's hole. As they entered, the friend saw the typical graduate abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial work was in one corner. And to the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left a pile of wolf bones. And in the middle was a large, well-fed lion.

The moral of the story:

The title of your thesis doesn't matter.

The subject doesn't matter.

The research doesn't matter.

All that matters is who your advisor is.

tragic news according to reports after Amanda bynes threw her bong out the window her bong was pronounced doa even after a bystanders gave it mouth to mouth for at least 20 minutes in a attempt to revive it.

playing hilo is a lot like porn everyone gets a piece

Maybe we should scale this back to a joke a week, perhaps that would get some quality up in here

tough crowd one last joke of my own almost true story. My worst bad beat of all time. I just woke up got my coffee I get dealt pocket aa guy calls with j-9 suited , a and his 2 suits hit flop I jam he calls he river flush im out. I go nuts knock over my coffee on my balls. Next thing I know I go to e,r. with severe burns to my privates, I pass out from pain , when I wake up its a male nurse named sven applying ointment to my privets in a over zealous way . I can talk about it now ,after many months of therapy . My warning to all online players, do not drink hot liquid dressed in underwear or naked . If you do you may wake up with overzealous male nurse rubbing cream on your privets

mylast joke unless I get a laugh I know I write bad. a husband and wife go to the m.d. after he examines husband he calls the wife in. He tells her he needs 3 things or hes going to die. 1st thing he needs to have house completely clean he is allergic to dirt. number 2 she cant disagree with him cause of stress . 3rd is he cant have sex for his bad heart. the couple get in car and drive down the man asks his wife what did m.d. say . SHE REPLYS YOUR GOING TO DIE

joke
/jōk/
Noun
A thing that someone says to cause amusement or laughter, esp. a story with a funny punchline.

Part of the $10 million I spent on gambling, part on booze and part on women. The rest I spent foolishly - George Raft

lol me too. like watching attack of the killer tomatoes or something.

I just explained Google images to my mum.

"Pick anything to search for" I told her.
"What about a nice cream pie?" She asked.

"Except that." I replied.

A sergeant major is inspecting his newest recruits and picks on one small lad in the front row.

"What's your name, Private?"

"Pizza."

"I don't think you heard me son. I didn't ask your favourite ****ing food. What's your name?"

"Pizza."

"You think you're smart son? I don't want nicknames or any of that street ****. I want your name. The one your mummy gave you. This is your last chance. What is your ****ing name?"

"Pizza."

The sergeant grabs the helpless soldier and kicks the **** out of him then calls to another lad.

"Let this be a lesson to you all! Take this sack of **** to the medical room!"

"Yes sir," replies the soldier. "And what shall I do with Pete's rifle?"

I don't get it. First one was great though

Say "Pete Sir" out loud as you would do to a seargent major in the british army....

Just been on bigbustycoons.com

Damn, those guys have really good bus companies.

When I was a child, my dad tried to force-feed me.

After a while, my mum said, "Just use a ****ing spoon, Mike. You're not a Jedi."

.................................................. .......................................

My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I said, "Don't be silly, Someoneyourownsize, why would anyone pick on you?"

.................................................. .................................................. .

My mate told me that I just don't understand irony.

Which was ironic because we were at a bus stop at the time.

.................................................. .................................................. .

Little Johnny walks into his parents bedroom to find his Dad giving his Mum one. His Dad smirks and throws a pillow at the door saying, "Get outta here, you little ****!"

A couple of hours later Dad hears a whole lot of commotion coming from little Johnny's bedroom. He goes up to find little Johnny giving his Grandma a right royal seeing to.

Little Johnny smiles, "It's not so ****ing funny when it's YOUR mum, is it?"

.................................................. .............................................

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg.

Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"

"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.

"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."

"Fook off you liar!"

"I'll prove it," Murphy says.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"

"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

.................................................. ..............................................

Nice

A German, Dutchie and Frenchie are learning English.

Day 1.
Teacher: I want y'all to make a phrase with the words Pink, Yellow and Green.
Dutchie: The painting has the colors pink, yellow and green
Teacher: hmm, that's OK
German: I wake up, see the Yellow sun and the Green grass and I think, this is going to be a Pink day!
Teacher: Very good!
Frenchie: The telephone goes "Green Green!", I Pink it up and say "Yellow?"

Day 2
Teacher: I want y'all the make a phrase with the verb "Look"
Dutchie: I still haven't found what I'm looking for
Teacher: From U2, very good!
German: Look out, a car is coming
Teacher: OK, that is nice too
Frenchie: Look, I am your father