What has two legs, two arms and nags about everything I do?

I like really silly jokes, but this is just...

It's hot and they're about 200 of them?

200 degrees celcius.

Why did the lion get lost?

Because jungle is massive

What did the Imam say to the priest?

What did Riverdinho say to raheem?

How do you know Kurt Cobain was using anti-dandruff shampoo?

"I love you loads, honeypie." My Mrs said to me.
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"What, no nickname for me?" She asked,
Sometimes I swear she's going deaf..........



One day two boys were walking through the woods when they saw some rabbit turds. One of the boys said, 'What is that?' 'They're smart pills,' said the other boy. 'Eat them and they'll make you smarter.' So he ate them and said, 'These taste like crap.' 'See,' said the other boy, 'you're getting smarter already.'





A redneck walks into a bar and orders a drink. "Anything else I can get you, handsome," asks the waitress. 'Well ma'am, I could sure use a nice piece of ass," replies the redneck. She nods and takes him into the back room where they both **** like rabbits. "Now, is there anything else I can get for you," says the waitress. "Thank you kindly ma'am, I could still use that piece of ass 'cos mah drink is gettin' mighty warm," says the redneck.




My grandfather was telling me about a time when he couldn't leave the house without a gas mask.

His Bondage addiction got pretty serious.




I called the RSPCA today and said, "I've just found a suitcase in the woods containing a fox and four cubs."

"That's terrible," she replied. "Are they moving?"

"I'm not sure, to be honest," I said, "But that would explain the suitcase."






i done em in diff colours to make it more funny

That last one reminds me of a Spike Milligan joke:

A man dials 999 and says "I'm out hunting in the woods and have just found a dead man". The dispatcher replies "are you sure he's dead?".

"Hang on a minute"

(sound of two gunshots)

"Yeh, I'm sure"

nwm. stupid joke is stupid

[nit]

I believe the line is "first make sure he's dead."

then two gunshots followed by "ok now what?".

[/nit]

I had to shut down my Muslim action figure business last week.

Not nitty, heared them say this is the most liked joke around the globe.

What does an 80 year old woman taste like?

Yesterday I told my grandma how the world is going to end soon and she said "I thought they cancelled it."

Timmy's Christmas list . . . .

Ho Ho Ho, Merry Christmas!
Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year.

I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

* *

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for your letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.*

Merry Christmas,*

Santa Claus


* *

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. Nice" contract set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jab at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

* *

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorney's have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

* *

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat *** and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

* *

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; He knows when you're awake". Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your **** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your *** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

* *

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

* *

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa

I can't believe somebody said to the Queen: 'Turn to the side, dear, time for the money shot.'

Doesn't even really need the first and last panel.

The
> > Bathtub Test
> >
> > During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how
> > do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
> >
> >
> > "Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we
> > offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a
> > bucket to the patient and ask him or her to
> > empty the bathtub."
> >
> > "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use
> > the bucket because it's bigger
> > than the spoon or the teacup."
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > "No." said the director, "A normal person
> > would pull the plug. Do you want a
> > bed near the window?"

> > TO VIEWER READING THIS:
Plenty of beds available!!

Misti! (I know, not really)

A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"

What do you call a guy named Cliff who knows a lot about finance and investing?

A professor is giving a lecture on muscle spasms in biology class and can see that his class is losing interest in the topic. He tries to engage the class and asks a woman at the front of the class:

"Miss? Do you know what your a.s.s.hole is doing while you are having an orgasm?"

She replies "Yeah, he's playing 3/6 holdem with his friends"

Wife 1.0
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity.

Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Boys' Night 2.5 and Sunday Football 5.0 no longer run, crashing the system whenever they are selected. I cannot seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run some of my other favorite applications. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me, please?! Thanks, Joe

Dear Joe,

This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to a primary misconception.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0 and still convert back to Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than the original system. Look in your manual under 'Warnings - Alimony/Child Support.' I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur, regardless of their cause.

The best course of action will be to enter the command C:\APOLOGISE. In any case, avoid excessive use of the ESC key because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGISE command before the operating system will return to normal. The system will run smoothly as long as you take the blame for all the GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but very high maintenance.

Consider buying additional software to improve the performance of Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates 5.0. Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This is not a supported application for Wife 1.0 and is likely to cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Best of Luck.

Tech Support Matt Smith