A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet. "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex," she said.

The researcher was a little taken aback. "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"

The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob and it keeps the kids out."

On their way to the church to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident.

Being good Christians the young couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they begin to wonder: could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter finally showed up, they asked him. St Peter said "I don't know.

This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out" and he leaves them sitting at the Gate.

After three months, St Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

"Yes" he informs the couple "you can get married in Heaven".

"Great!" said the couple "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out?

Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

"You must be bloody joking" says St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slamming his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple".

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted "It took me three months to find a priest up here.....Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?

Nice, that's nice.

How to determine if your son is going to be gay:

In your own home, gather the materials to design and build a working volcano. Build it alone and ensure it is in functional condition. Prepare it for eruption and call your son downstairs to watch. If he's too busy sucking dick, then he's probably gay.

Mildred, the town gossip and self-appointed monitor of morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Everyone did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, who had just moved to town, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that every one seeing it there would know what he was doing! Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house .... walked home .... and left it there all night.

Their three kids, all successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honor of their parents 60 years together.

• "Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad," gushed Son No. 1.
'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and I didn't have time to get you a gift."
"Not to worry," said the father.
"Important thing is we're all together today."

• Son No. 2 arrived. "You and Mom look great, Dad .I just flew in from Montreal between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you. “It’s nothing," said the father.
"We're glad you were able to come."

• Just then the daughter arrived.
"Hello and happy anniversary! Sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything."

• After they had finished dessert, the father said,
"There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time.
You see, we were really poor, but we managed to send each of you to college.
Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married."

• The three children gasped and said, "WHAT? You mean we're bastards?"

• "Yep", said the father. "Cheap ones, too . . ."

"I thought my vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant,


but apparently it just changes the color of the baby."

EFFECTIVE SUICIDE COUNSELING!


A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said, "Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes,

and it won't matter to you, how about a little sex before you go?"
She screamed, "NO! Bug off you filthy old bastard!"


He shrugged and turned away saying, "Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom."

She didn't jump.

I'm glad I'm not the only old guy on these forums.

http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/sh...&postcount=882

I apologize for posting the same joke twice. Here's one I don't think I've posted previously:

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed. Promise me you will never look in it."

All their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.

In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash.

She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.

After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed.However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"

Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth.

Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but thought, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. And since I know he's addicted to sex, three times is not too bad."

She said, "OK Bill, I guess I can forgive you. Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace."

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"

He answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center."

I lol'd

A guy turned to his wife in bed and whispered, "Did you know it's National Orgasm Day?"



"Oh, what a pity," she replied, "Right in the middle of National Headache Week."

APPLE DOES IT AGAIN!

Apple computer has developed a computer chip that can store and play Hi Fi music in women’s breast implants.

The iTit will cost between $499 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their boobs and not listening to them.

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a walking stick against a fierce predator.

Here is her story in her own words:

"While out walking along the edge of a creek just outside of our house in Darwin with my soon to be ex-husband discussing our property settlement, kids and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge 5 metre. Crocodile which suddenly emerged from the murky water and began charging at us very fast with its large jaws wide open.

The Croc must have been protecting her young and her home because she was extremely aggressive. If I had not had my little $5 walking stick with me, I would not be here today!


Just one hard wack to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.. ..The Croc got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.


The amount I saved in lawyer’s fees was really incredible and I got everything.

http://i.imgur.com/oZ1GSIu.jpg

An elderly, hard-of-hearing, gentleman had been waiting in a doctor's waiting room for over an hour and he was becoming increasingly impatient. Finally, a nurse approached him and asked him what was troubling him today.

"IT'S MY DICK!" the old man hollered.

"SShhhhh!!" the nurse cautioned. "There are other people in the waiting room!. You can’t use that kind of language!"

"WELL WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?" he replied.

"I don't know. Say it's your ear that's bothering you" she said.

"OK, IT'S MY EAR!"

"Fine then, Sir. What's wrong with your ear?" she asked.

"I CAN'T PISS OUT OF IT!"

This morning I was sitting on a park bench next to a homeless man. I started a conversation by asking him how he ended up this way.

He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had TV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library.

I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage."

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?"

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "I got out of prison."

3 spies, a French, British, and an Italian, are captured by al-qaeda.

The terrorists tie each of them up and put the Brit and the Italian in a locked room. They take the French to a room for 6 hours, torturing information out of him. When they finish with him, they take the Brit to the room, who lasts 12 hours. They finally take the Italian into the room, but as much as they torture him, they can't get any information out of him.

The Brit and the Frenchman ask him how it goes and he says "I couldn't say anything." They ask him why and he says "My hands were tied!"

In airport security once, I heard an Italian ask another, in English, "but what's the definition of articulate?" The other replied "Being able to define that word without waving your hands around"

Why did the pirate subscribe to Playboy?

Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes. The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been 24 now."
The other Mom replies, "I remember him as a baby."
The first mother says, "He's a martyr now.
"Oh, that's so sad, my dear."
Then the first mother flips to another picture. "And this is my second son, Abdul. He would be 21.
"Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he was born."
The first mother sighs, "He's also a martyr.
"Oh gracious me!", says the second mother.
"And this is my third son ... my beautiful Ahmed! He would have been 18 this year."
"Yes ...", says her friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school."
"He's also a martyr.", the first mother says, her eyes now filling with tears.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand on the first woman's shoulder and says,

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

Once upon a time, a man asked a beautiful maiden to marry him.

But the maiden replied, "No".

So the man lived happily ever after and played poker whenever he wanted to, and drove hot cars, and chased long-legged flight attendants, and hunted and fished, and dated women half his age. He drank imported beer and fine wine and never heard bitching, and never paid child support or alimony, and kept his house, and ate potato chips and beans, and scratched his scrotum whenever it itched, and he had tons of money in the bank, and he left the toilet seat up.

You just summed up my current life.

**** this story





**** you

My maiden said yes