Teutonic Order Part 3: World's Biggest Gangbang

So after Part 2 my 20k strong army was left decimated and my manpower was completely depleted. That was September 1406. I spend the next 18 months doing nothing but watching my army slowly regain it's strength.

England becomes the Papal Controller. The next month Austria becomes the Papal Controller and excommunicates Milan.

Aragon declares war on Castille.

April 1408 and my army is back up to 17k, my manpower is still nil. Lithuania declares war. My allies Scotland, Hungary, and Pommerania join the war on my side, while Poland and Aquileia join Lithuania.



Things don't look very good, especially considering Scotland joins all my wars but never sends any troops so you can subtract about 10k from our side. Hungary has been practicing the brilliant strategy of having no standing army. Seriously none.

Poland sends 8,000 men into Pommerania and I send my army to meet them.

Lithuania seem to have bad luck. As soon as they declared war Polotsk declared independence. Lithuania sends it's army to siege Polotsk rather than fight the war they just started.

Poland's main 15k army moves south into Hungary.

The Pope is just getting passed around. Scotland is now Papal Controller.

Hungary finally decides it is probably a good idea to have an army.



After having dealt with Poland's army in Pommerania I send my army back home and break off a couple small siege forces to siege a couple of Lithuania's eastern provinces. My manpower is still 0 so I'm not receiving any reinforcements and can't send my main army into enemy territory.



Lithuania's bad luck continues. Just as they annex Polotsk back into their country and can focus their armies on me the Golden Horde regroups and invades with 50,000 troops. I send my army into Lithuania to jump on their army as it's being attacked by an 11k Golden Horde army.

Lithuania starts trying to get me to accept a white peace but since their army is destroyed and Poland is too busy sieging Hungary I decline.

Lithuania's biggest problem isn't me:



Hey but at least Lithuania just became Papal Controller so that's something.

I accept peace with Poland in exchange for them annulling their treaties with Lithuania. I make peace with Lithuania and take their province of Podlasie for myself.

No sooner has that war ended when Hungary declares war on Croatia (and their allies Bohemia and Tirol). They issue me a Call to Arms. I accept because I figure Bohemia will attack Hungary and leave me alone and eventually Hungary will negotiate peace and end the war. So I sit back in my own country, raise War Taxes, and watch as Hungary is invaded by 21,000 Bohemians and 7,000 Croatians. Hungary apparently dismissed it's army after the last war despite entering another war only 2 weeks later.

Unsurprisingly Hungary accepts a White Peace with Croatia and the war ends.

Finally God comes through and gives me a nice Casus Belli against someone.



Hungary annexes it's vassal Transylvania.

Power play in the Curia! Hungary is now Papal Controller. Apparently they are still pissed at Croatia as they immediately excommuncate them.

My truce with Lithuania ends in October 1415 and I fully intend to declare war on them then. At least I have 5 years to let my army get to full strength and recover my manpower. In the meantime I form Military Alliances with my other vassals, Pskov and Mazovia. I ignore Riga since I figure they will be useless anyway.

A few months before the truce ends I get an Alliance Offer from Novgorod. lol good night Lithuania.

October rolls around and I'm back at full strength and my army is 25k men strong.

I declare war. Poland and Aquileia say thanks but no thanks and leave Lithuania to the wolves.

All my allies join in. For those following along that makes it Teutonic Order, Hungary, Scotland, Novgorod, Pommerania, Mazovia, & Pzkov vs. Lithuania.

I almost feel bad for them.



Then inexplicably Poland allies again with Lithuania and decides to join the war. Nevermind that Lithuania is occupied by about 40,000 enemy troops. Then Brandenburg honours it's alliance and joins in as well. Brandenburg is located west of Poland and south of Pommerania. I guess they get points for loyalty.



Hungary and I smash Poland's main army between us. My vassals have managed to successfully siege half of Poland when Poland sends me maybe the greatest offer of peace ever:



To go with the half of Poland I control I also have half of Lithuania. Neither country has more than a few thousand scattered troops. Then HNIC Bohemia decides to declare war on Poland as well.

Denmark becomes Papal Controller and excommunicates Hamburg. Excommunication is big in the 1400s.

A Lithuanian sandwich:



I figure Brandenburg will make another good vassal so I send a few small groups to siege it.

Not including the 20k Bohemians sieging Poland, my alliance currently outnumbers Lithuania/Poland/Brandenburg 67,653 to 747.



Poland accepts peace with Bohemia, giving up 1 province.

Poland is not having a good year, Ukraine declares it's independence.

Lithuania accepts peace with Novgorod, giving them 1 province.

I finish my sieges of Brandenburg's 4 provinces and make them my vassal. I accept peace from Poland and make them give me a province. I make peace with Lithuania and take 2 provinces from them as well as make them release Polotsk as an independent nation (a 3 province country who is automatically allied with me).

Apparently Bohemia is starting to get worried and they send me a warning not to go to war with anymore countries. I remove my new Polish province from the Holy Roman Empire as well as my 4 northern provinces, removing any Casus Belli Bohemia has against me.

Not a week later I get a Call to Arms from Novgorod against Hansa and Sweden. I decline, ending our alliance.

Teutonic Order in green, vassals in light green, allies in teal.



I have a bit more but since I think this post is getting pretty long I'll put the rest up either later tonight or tomorrow morning.

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu this game is a drug

Lookin good. Brandenburg is an awesome vassal, they always field pretty large armies.

Did muscovy get taken out by novgorod + golden horde? I don't see them in your screenshots, are they like a 1-2 province minor now?

Indeed it is

Yeah Muscowy is completely gone. Their territory is split between Novgorod, Smolensk and Ryazan.

Also France and England have been at war since game start ~18 years ago. Neither have attacked anyone else. France hasn't gobbled up the minor nations in France and England hasn't attacked Scotland or the Irish nations.

Just letting you know if you are still planning MP game I am definetly up for it. (depending on timezones obviously)

Its pretty hilarious how terribly inept the AI is. Really the only problem with the game, once you get decent you can snowball with any country within 100 years or so. I mean the AI usually manages to run up 25%+ inflation in like ~100 years and winds up way behind in tech. It also makes absolutely horrible tactical and strategic decisions. I usually wind up getting bored by 1550 or so and switch to another random country around the world for a challenge.

In my current Milan->Italy game, it was 1525, I had more income than the #2, #3, and #4 countries combined, with the largest army and 0 inflation, but after I switched to another country and kept playing the AI managed to failtrain and lose 1/2 its territory in 10 years. I believe it sent its entire army to go invade some poor West African country, had 0 army at home, and then decided to invade Switzerland and got gangbanged by all of Europe, with 0 army to defend it because it was all in Africa.

Good thing is thats not a problem in multi

mods tho

Teutonic Order Part 4: or How I learned to stop worrying and love the Emperor

So in Part 3 my alliance had crushed Lithuania's back and humbled Poland. If you check the last map of Part 3 Lithuania is made up of the provinces of Vilna and Smolensk with a Novgorodian Polotsk between them. Then the nation of Polotsk (my ally, in teal) and the rest of Lithuania (Volhynia, Kiev, & Podolia) to the south. Needless to say the Lithuanian threat is finished.

My army came out mostly intact from the war but my manpower is still low. Bohemia has warned me. We also have -200 relations since I removed 5 of my provinces from the Holy Roman Empire. Needless to say Bohemia hates me.

Well about a year after the last war Bohemia decides to declare war on me. I have a 26k army but only about 7500 manpower for reinforcements.

My usual gang of allies all join the war. Hungary, Scotland, Mazovia, Pskov, Pommerania and my new ally Polotsk. Apparently I forgot to form a Military Alliance with my new vassal Brandenburg so they will be sitting this one out.

Ukraine and Croatia join the war on Bohemia's side. Ukraine is an irrelevant one province minor (OPM) at this point. Croatia is located south of Hungary and will most likely spend the war futilely sieging a couple southern Hungarian provinces.



I figure my only chance in this war is to keep my army in a 26k doomstack and immediately go after Bohemia's armies. Their forces are about 38k men split between 3 armies.

My vassals go to work sieging Bohemian provinces while my doomstack goes after the first of their armies.



I destroy that army and move onto my next target, a 13k army that has come up from the south. I am down to 24k men.



My final target is a 12k army in Hungary. I am down to 16k men.



I emerge victorious with 13k men and go to work cleaning up the small armies Bohemia has been raising.

Things haven't been going well for Sweden against Novgorod, Finland declares its independence.

Things are going even worse for Lithuania. It collapses and its southern province of Volhynia joins Poland while the rest join Ukraine. At the top the 2 purple provinces are all that remain of Lithuania.



With the Bohemian armies destroyed, Austria makes its move and declares war on Bohemia and Croatia. Austria brings its allies Tuscany and The Papal States into the war.

It looks like next election there will be a new Holy Roman Emperor:



I make peace with Ukraine and make them convert to Catholicism.

Austria becomes new Papal Controller. They excommunicate Tirol.

I've hit Land Tech 5 and convert my troops to Longbowmen.

Croatia accepts peace with Austria and becomes its vassal.

The Ottomans have decided to take the (suicidal?) plan to expand into Europe. They own almost all of Naples and half of Sicily.



Castille becomes Papal Controller.

Austria peaces out with Bohemia for a bit of money and cancellation of treaties. At least take a province or two you pussies.

Something I don't think I have ever seen happens. France has gone bankrupt. They have been at war with England the last 23 years.

A lovely sight:



I make peace with Bohemia and take the provinces of Kalisz, Breslau, and Ratibor. I immediately remove them from the HRE. My new Bohemian conquests now give me a land bridge to Hungary through Pommerania. I have access to the Balkans if I want it.

At this time I cancel my mission (annex Pskov I think) and receive a new one. Vassalize Lithuania. Yay! At this point the war with Bohemia has just ended and my army sits at 13k but Lithuania only has 1k men and even if Poland gets involved they only have a 13k army.

So I declare war. All my allies jump in. Poland jumps in. And what's this? Mecklenburg joins in. Mecklenburg is a OPM located at the west end of Pommerania and Brandenburg. Hello future vassal.

Another surprise. For the first time since we have been allied Scotland lands an army. Granted it's only 5k men and once landed they don't make a move but it's a start.

I go to siege Lithuania while I leave Poland for Hungary and my vassals. Lithuania doesn't put up much of a fight and is added to my vassal collection.

Poland is defeated but I wait to give time for Hungary to make peace with them first and maybe take a province. They do and take Sandomierz, spliting Poland in half.

A sad day as Hochmeister Konrad dies. Long live Hochmeister Michael.

Wait wtf. Oh nice...



I make Hochmeister Michael a General in the hopes he gets himself killed.

England becomes Papal Controller and my siege of Mecklenburg is finished. Boom vassalized.

Poland is totally conquered but I wait for Polotsk to make peace. They do and take a Polish province as a parting gift.

With my allies having gone first and me getting sloppy thirds there isn't much left. My Infamy is now at 24 so a province is out of the question. I make them annul their treaties and give me 25 ducats. /flex

The Teutonic Order on December 5th 1423:

infamy is a bitch, especially with such a sucky leader

I could build an Embassy for another -.4 Infamy per year but 350 ducats is pretty expensive.

Meh mods make it harder for you to snowball by increasing penalties/infamy and such but they don't make the AI not terrible.

omg, starting a new game as morocco... muslims start with shock 3 cav. Will be taking pics if i remember

Any recommendations on smallish mods that fix some minor issues (like inflation, or was that fixed in the 5.1 patch)? I haven't played much in recent months.

what's wrong with inflation?