Quote:
Originally Posted by El Diablo
Karak,
Have been reading this stuff for a while. Pretty entertaining thread. But this TR series has been especially interesting and compelled me to actually write up a post.
A few points that might come off a little harsh, but I hope you will take as constructive criticism to reflect on when analyzing yourself. Rather than edit here to spin my thoughts in any way, I'm just going to write my immediate reactions when reading. Some of them may not be accurate, and I may also be confusing certain statements regarding certain girls as a lot of these TRs sort of run together.
1) A lot of actions described in your TRs, and even some directed to readers in the thread, show a repeated pattern of passive-aggressive behavior.
2) You constantly talk about your strong Christian morals and what you don't respect in people, etc. Yet you still pursue this girl who cheats on her boyfriend, has rando sex the night before she's supposed to meet up w/ you for a date of some sort, and basically all sorts of other behavior that you claim make you not respect her as a person. What keeps you coming back to focus on someone whose actions repulse you and make you not respect her?
3) You've stated that your Christian beliefs prevent you from having casual sex w/ these girls. You've also stated many reasons why BG (and some previous girls) are very annoying to you and not dating material beyond a potential casual relationship. Yet you appear to love these weird relationships and spend what looks like lots of time and energy interacting w/ these girls that you find largely annoying and do not have sex with (I'm referring to A,B,BG here). Have you thought about why you do that vs. focusing on higher quality girls? My armchair psychologist view on this is that you crave attention from wherever you can get it, and your attitude and actions are a cover for a huge fear of rejection.
4) Are most of the girls in these stories Christian? Are they aware of your stance regarding morals/sex/etc and aware of the fact that their interactions with you are unlikely to result in sexual intercourse? With A, B, and potentially BG, it sort of feels like you are their friend who is willing to give them plenty of attention and affection that they are not getting from other guys they hook up w/ to f***.
I'm sure there's way more to these interactions that what you write up. But based on your TRs your relationships with girls seem to follow quite similar arcs, which is what my thoughts above are based on. I'd be interested in your and also yeota's (and whoever else knows you IRL) opinions on what I wrote.
I'll respond in order:
1) I have an interesting stance on passive-aggressive behavior. I think as a general rule it's a suboptimal pattern of behavior, but I think it can serve its purpose in certain situations. There are times where subtle actions (or non-actions) accomplish your goals without the effort, potential downside or overt nature of aggressive action. I'm generally only an aggressive person when the situation calls for it. I think my IRL friends would hesitate very strongly to call me passive aggressive.
When it comes to issues between close friends or family, I will never act passive aggressively out of respect for them, myself and an understand we already have. When it's people I don't know as well or someone who is a stranger, then I am going to act in a way that maximizes my utility. Sometimes the ease of passive aggressiveness will accomplish this. I also think it is an effective tactic against people who are OVER aggressive and will not back down in the face of aggression no matter what.
2) What I realized about BG is that what she did is similar to something I did my sophomore year. Again, I just enjoy being around her and I am not pursuing anything serious.
I have a very specific type of girl I am looking for when it comes to any type of relationship or dating. I have no problems being alone, and it doesn't bother me at all, so I'm extraordinarily picky when it comes to pushing something beyond a few dates. BG actually fits a little bit of the unique mold I am looking for, but obviously hits a few dealbreakers which counts her out as a LTR.
3) I do enjoy getting attention, and I won't hesitate to admit that, but I think fear of rejection is quite an illogical jump. I really don't understand how getting myself involved in all these situations notes a fear of rejection. None of these girls interest me in the slightest way in the form of a LTR (although, admittedly, C did until she proved to be a latent psychopath). I have been quite bold with approaching and pursuing nearly every girl I've shown preliminary interest in, and I honestly can't think of a situation in the past 9 months (I've been single for 9 months or so), where I ever backed down.
I, however, did question why I was involved in all these situations, similar to why you did. I did this about a month ago and talked it through with a very close friend who knows my psyche well. Honestly, we came to the conclusion that it was a sample size issue. I'm locked in the small world of law school nearly 24/7 during the school year. It's my OneL year so any socializing is limited and we generally go the most convenient route... other law students... such as ABCD. Quite honestly, the pool of talent is very small and I settled on what was convenient since I spent most of my time there. They were all sub-optimal situations, but I was bored and it provided me great entertainment. I'm not saying these girls are low value, I don't like to use terms like that, but they are certainly not compatible with me. I simply do not have the time to pursue social interaction anywhere else. Hopefully by 2nd semester next year I will. That's just how law school works. There is absolutely no way around it. LKJ can back me up on this.
I struggled previously in my life with depression, especially early in college, and I am very acutely aware of my psychological tendencies and why I do the things I do. It's important for me to have that knowledge so I can understand and manage my emotions. I think I'm to the point where I do it quite well. When I behave suboptimally at least I am aware of it and can plan contingencies or change the underlying motivators moving me in that direction. I was previously completely out of control of that.
It's also worth noting I am not completely celibate, as I admitted in the EDF thread, so there is some sexual gratification to be gained out of these situations. However, and maybe this is a result of my faith, sex is important to me, but not important at the same time if that makes sense. In an emotional context, sex is an important communicator and way to get close to someone, especially someone you love. In a physical context it's a pleasurable and healthy activity that feels good, relieves stress and fulfills certain inherent needs. From a logical standpoint, however, I do not find it very pressing or necessary to constantly get or pursue sex. It simply would get in the way of my life's goals, my faith and act as a distraction. So I'll take it as it comes outside of a relationship, but I'm certainly not actively pursuing it constantly.
4) Some are. Relationship wise not being Christian is a deal-breaker. One of the things that really cooled me to B was her mocking me (quite overtly) for my religion one evening. That was pretty much the end of her. I don't even talk to her anymore outside of just being friendly. Same goes for A. I cut both completely off. I have no interest in being their emotional crutch or GBFF to steal a term from our friend on the other board.
D I keep around because I value her highly as a friend and confidant. D is interested in me romantically and wanted to date me. I cut that part off, and I made it platonic. I'm fine with that.
And to say nothing sexual happened with these girls, (speaking of BG, D and C), would be incorrect. And if my views on sex make them unwilling to proceed further, then fine. I don't really care. Some people here don't seem to understand that I know of many relationships where one party draws the line further than the other which work over a long period of time and can lead to marriage. That's hard for people to believe here, because many don't come from that background or a view of faith. I think that is pretty common here, especially dealing with people from the south. I know some girls who don't pray very often, don't know the Bible well, aren't very spiritual and don't go to church but who CLING to abstinence before marriage because it's a core part of their family values, not a religious ideal. I'm talking attractive women well into their 20s. This is not common, but it certainly is a situation which occurs more in the south than up north.
I'm acutely aware of becoming the emotional crutch, and it was one of the reasons I completely cut A and B off. A and B served as good entertainment for a while, though, and I'll have good stories to tell for a while. I love telling stories.
All in all, I think your overall analysis is highly inaccurate. And I'm not the type of person who is biased and incapable of looking in a mirror. Because, as aforementioned, of my past struggle with depression and anxiety, I am very aware of my psychological tendencies and drawbacks. I tend to idealize relationships, overthink situations and stand on logic alone to get my way out of many situations. My ego also gets unchecked at times, and I can get emotional and overreact to certain things. Because of this awareness, I try to adjust my behavior as a result. Sklansky talks about this in DUCY where he discusses how if you always slice, you start aiming left of where you want to go. This is more or less what I do while, at the same time, trying to correct this suboptimal behavior over time. That correction will come with maturity and life experience. I'm still young and have not been out in the real world yet. At least I'm aware of it.
It's also incredibly difficult to analyze things over a computer. Many of the things I say or do would come across completely different framed in context with prior actions, body language and tone. It's one of the reasons I am hesitant to post TRs, as it is far too easy to misinterpret my behavior, but with a nod to you I like writing too much and even better like it when my writing gets attention and people comment on it. Again let me assert that these stories are all true.
