"Ask Out A Girl" Thread: 2014 Year of the Petite Brunette and Pissing On Dudes - Page 109

Probably not the right thread for this, but if you relationship guru's can help me out I'd greatly appreciate it..

Here's the situation.

I met this girl who I'll refer to as "Cat" in high school. She was a sophomore and I was a Senior. I was 18 years old and on probation, she was 15 and a great person....We met through "Band Camp" I was her section leader (we both played saxophone)

I made my feelings clear, and unfortunately she told me that a relationship wouldn't work out, when she was little her father cheated on her mother and she grew up without him in her life..and she didn't trust guys. I told her no problem, and we were friends. A few months later, we ended up getting together, and had a 4 year relationship. (off and on..mostly on) We were each other's "first love"

We did everything together those four years together. It wasn't easy having 2 years of our relationship be long distance due to me going away to college, but we made it through.

Baggage- Personal baggage was a pretty big issue in our relationship. I had a rocky relationship with my parents, I attempted suicide often, had drinking problems, and as i had said, i was probation...

Her baggage, was the fact that she didn't trust guys, and she cut, (slit her wrists and other parts of her body)

as much as it was a good relationship at times, we also had our breaks...

Once my freshman year ended, she was still in school, and we ended up breaking up.The day she got out of school, i took her on a date to the amusement park, (where we shared lots of memories prior to this date) we ended up flirting, and when we got back to my truck, things got pretty physical, (if you know what i mean hehe)

After that happend, however she told me we weren't gong to be getting back together, but could be friends....everyday we'd talk she'd remind me our relationship was over and it was never going to happen again..

Enter Kt- Kt was Cat's best friend. She was also my best friend, and she knew how much I had been struggling and for how long I had been struggling over me and cat breaking up. One day she invited me over her pad while her parents were out, I accepted...we ended up showering together and getting pretty physical.

..Although Cat and I had broken up and she had told me "Never again" things didn't turn out to be "Never Again." We ended up starting to casually date, and eventually made our way back into a relationship. At one point she broke down crying telling me she had overheard someone saying how Nick and KT took a shower together, during the time me and her were broken up...I told her it wasn't true, she believed me life went on.

I told her a year later, we broke up for a while, but then got back together and we had a steady relationship for the next 2 years.

Fast forward to March 09. - In March cat found out that her karate instructor was getting a divorce. She took this pretty hard because she looked to him as the dad she never had...My sister ironically was dating her karate instructors son and I knew that that he was getting a divorce because he cheated on his wife.

Cat asked me why they were getting divorced, and she said please dont tell me he's like my dad...I told her I couldn't tell her that, that he did indeed cheat on his wife...Cat took it really hard and started cutting again, (she had been clean from that for well over a year)

Me and cat's relationship changed greatly after that. We went from being best friends who were in a great relationship to not telling each other anything, and basically only screwing around sexually. She started treating me pretty ****ty. (I can elaboratoe on how if you guys need to know. )

The end of April, we were spending the weekend together at her dorm. Friday night was date night, and we went out to our favorite restraunt and then back to the room to have a sexual night.

Saturday, She got piss drunk with me and all of her friends. we went back to her room and she decided she wanted to finally lose her virginity, and have me lose mine. (we hadn't had sexual intercourse the entire 4 years we were together, however we were very very sexually into foreplay.)

I told her that night, that I couldn't do that she was completely drunk, and that I'm not going to lose my virginity and more importantly take hers when she was drunk. She pleaded I told her to shutup and go to sleep, and two minutes later she passed out.

She woke up in the morning to tell me how shes never felt more respected by anyone, and how she truly loved me and wanted to get married soon blah blha blah, and that she thought it was time...we made love for the first time ever that day.

(PS- we were not a prude couple at all, we were always having foreplay staying in very very nice hotels such as The Intercontinental in Boston, and the Westin also in Boston, we showered together, etc etc we just had never had intercourse up until then)

4 days later cat told me that she had lied to me, hadn't wanted to be with me for a while, hadn't been in love with me for a while, lied to get my Virginity and now that she had it didn't want to be together anymore...

That was all in April.

June- In June we hung out, over cheesecake and talked about things not working out in our relationship, we decided we'd be friends and we had a good evening, at the end of the night however when i dropped her back off at her place, we ended up having a very long "last kiss for closure"

4 days later she called to appologise to tell me we were never getting back together, that she wasn't in love with me anymore..

August- August comes around and I have finally started to get over her and am starting to be intersted in someone else. Cat calls me often on the weekends at this time shes in MA and I am living in CT, she trys making plans often but I tell her I am busy with this other girl...One night cat decides to call me off guard on a weekday and tells me we are going to see CREED in concert, I accept, and we go to see Creed.

That night we ended up cuddling, showing affection, and then ended up having oral in my car...once the concert was over...

September- she called to appolgise saying she wasn't in love wtih me didn't want ot be wtih my etc etc...I decided enough was enough and changed my phone number, and started moving on with my life...but try as I might i wasn't able to. In november I contacted her, she didn't reply until the night before christmas eve asking me if we can spend the holidays together...we did we ended up hooking up and took a few day trips together.. yet she told me were never gettting back together, (at this point however she knew I was moving out to the west coast wehre I currently am living. )

January- January me and cat have a serious conversation about how she keeps saying were never getting back together. She's starting to really come annoyed wtih the person I've become, in the last few months I became addicted to alcohal (drinking to the point of being drunk every night), weed, started smoking cigs, and for the last 3 months had truly just wanted to die.

A heart to heart? The last night I spoke to cat in January over the phone, I told her i truly loved her and wanted to be together again, she told me never again and that we could be friends....However shortly after she burst down in tears over the phone and said "Nick, can i ask u something? I said sure., she said How do you expect me to give you my heart? How am i supposed to truly let you in when i know how badly you want to die? The reason y i say never again is because I know how much you struggle with suicide, I need someone who i will know is going to be there for me when I wake up in the morning and who I won';t give my heart to just to have them crush it by killing themselves. I need you to change for you and not for me and not for your parents and not for anyone except for yourself, and then and only then we can have a serious discussion about us getting back together....Honestly nick us getting back together is completely dependent on YOU, and the ball is in YOUR court.

That night I called her back to tell her I had some personal **** i needed to work through and alhtough she had remained one of my biggest support systems she was also one of my biggest distractions. That i needed the rest of Jan and ALL of February to focus on me and I'd call her in march. She said not even V-day? i said no, then i said well...i guess, and she said no don't i support you doing this for you...

hence - WHERE I am now. January 31st I let go of a secret that I had been holding in for years. (Since i was 13, I am now 22)...I finally told my parents that when I was in eigth grade I was sexually molested by a church leader, and that they performed oral sex on me. (Something I have never told Cat)..I decided to quit drinking smoking and weed, the first of this month, and have stuck to it although the withdrawals are ****ing wtih my head and are crazy.

Sexual molestation, I believe changed my life and controlled it for years. that was when I first started rebelling, hating my parents, getting in trouble at schooll, I went from being an A student to failing classes....but most importantly it affected the realtionsihp I had with cat. Cat loved me unconditionally, she really did. I loved her too, but everytime we'd get too close, I'd freak out because I felt as though I was about to tell her of the molestation and I hadn't been ready to do so. Towards the very end of our relationsihp she was telling me nick I need a man not a little boy anymore, yet I knew that being a man, meant letting this secret out, and starting to heal and I still hadn't been ready....(the leader who had molested me and performed oral sex on me threatend my life if I had ever told anyone, told me he'd kill my family and whoever I told...I had believed him and to this day and am still scared....

MY Questions, if any of you read this...

Where DO I go from here?
Do I tell Cat?
Do me and Cat have a chance at restoring our relationship?
How Do I seperate what happend from the church, and from God?
How do I restore my relationship with my family?
When Do I tell Cat?

One of me and Cat's biggest problems in our relationsihp was that our good times were great and our bad times were horrible. This directly correlated to how well I was surpressing the memories of this happening. in January that last night we talked, she balled her eyes out asking me nick where did your passion for life go? Where did your passion for helping people, reaching out to the homeless, hell nick where did your passion even go for showing me that you truly love me and don't want to leave me and kill yourself?

wat?

02-11-2010 , 10:20 PM

#2702

GoodGame

SL Bathroom Bachelor

Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 4,124

ya i got to the part where she took your virginity and then noticed there was still a lot left to the story and got tilted. after that u should have never have talked to her again. but it was your first relationship... everyone does stupid **** so i understand. i'll read the rest later

02-11-2010 , 10:30 PM

#2703

gringo_grinder

journeyman

Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 303

I took an intro psych course so i think im qualified to give some advice (j/k ldo)

yea i think therapy is in order

02-11-2010 , 10:34 PM

#2704

LKJ

Smugly Contemptuous

Join Date: Aug 2003 Posts: 95,985

Was that torrent of text worth reading?

02-11-2010 , 10:42 PM

#2705

gringo_grinder

journeyman

Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 303

Quote:

Originally Posted by LKJ

Was that torrent of text worth reading?

reading my econ text<<<< reading the huge post

02-11-2010 , 10:45 PM

#2706

br3nt00

Pooh-Bah

Join Date: Jan 2009 Posts: 3,664

Quote:

Originally Posted by gringo_grinder

reading my econ text<<<< reading the huge post

answer the man's question

02-11-2010 , 10:47 PM

#2707

gringo_grinder

journeyman

Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 303

02-11-2010 , 10:48 PM

#2708

goofyballer

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 70,719

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoodGame

ya i got to the part where she took your virginity and then noticed there was still a lot left to the story and got tilted.

Yeah, after all that stuff about messing around with multiple girls and THEN you're like "oh yeah none of it was sex"...wtf???

02-11-2010 , 10:52 PM

#2709

goofyballer

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 70,719

Quote:

Originally Posted by lastchance

Oh jeez, oh jeez, oh jeez. I don't think any one of us are qualified to tell you what to do here. Goddamn man.

1) I think you two have a very strong bond, and I think that at the very least, you should be honest with each other.
2) You have way more important issues than the girl.
3) You should probably be in therapy. It's good ****.
4) She's right. Until you get your life together, you guys shouldn't be dating. It might be good for you, but it's not good or fair to her.

You got some growing up to do I guess. But I think we all do.

I finished the rest, all this pretty much sounds right.

02-11-2010 , 10:53 PM

#2710

gringo_grinder

journeyman

Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 303

Quote:

Originally Posted by nickt2326

things got pretty physical, (if you know what i mean hehe)

actually....i don't

02-11-2010 , 10:54 PM

#2711

goofyballer

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 70,719

Quote:

Originally Posted by nickt2326

How Do I seperate what happend from the church, and from God?

Priests are just people. Some of them are ****ed up just like other people are.

02-11-2010 , 10:55 PM

#2712

Dankenstein

adept

Join Date: May 2007 Posts: 966

Quote:

Originally Posted by gringo_grinder

actually....i don't

Obviously they got in a fist fight.

02-11-2010 , 11:00 PM

#2713

gringo_grinder

journeyman

Join Date: Sep 2007 Posts: 303

ditch the girl and get into contact with this guy: http://forumserver.twoplustwo.com/67...-plans-709088/

02-12-2010 , 01:26 AM

#2714

TurnUpTheSun

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 9,757

i hope people do read that, its pretty interesting

1) see a professional to talk to.
2) go to AA and get a sponsor
3) get a job and a healthy every-day routine.

02-12-2010 , 02:49 AM

#2715

nickt2326

banned

Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 542

You people still aren't telling me if you think its possible if me and Cat end up back together, and the best way to go about having that happen..

02-12-2010 , 02:53 AM

#2716

nickt2326

banned

Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 542

Oh and by "physical and hooking up, but not having intecourse, I basically mean,

oral sex, fingering, hand jobs, more oral sex, etc. etc.

02-12-2010 , 02:59 AM

#2717

TurnUpTheSun

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Apr 2009 Posts: 9,757

Quote:

Originally Posted by nickt2326

You people still aren't telling me if you think its possible if me and Cat end up back together, and the best way to go about having that happen..

you cant be serious

02-12-2010 , 03:02 AM

#2718

nickt2326

banned

Join Date: Feb 2010 Posts: 542

Of course I am serious...

02-12-2010 , 03:36 AM

#2719

thebigeasy59

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 19,436

have one last talk with cat, and then, for the love of god, cut her loose and stay away.

02-12-2010 , 03:37 AM

#2720

thebigeasy59

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Oct 2007 Posts: 19,436

nevermind, this is a level.

Quote:

.One night cat decides to call me off guard on a weekday and tells me we are going to see CREED in concert, I accept, and we go to see Creed.

02-12-2010 , 05:17 AM

#2721

lastchance

Carpal \'Tunnel

Join Date: Aug 2004 Posts: 29,856

Quote:

Originally Posted by thebigeasy59

have one last talk with cat, and then, for the love of god, cut her loose and stay away.

I'm pretty sure he's the crazy here, not her.

Quote:

You people still aren't telling me if you think its possible if me and Cat end up back together, and the best way to go about having that happen..

Get your life in order. Then go after the girl. Do not go after the girl when you are totally ****ed up. She sounds like she's getting her life in order. You should too.

02-12-2010 , 10:16 AM

#2722

WonThyme

journeyman

Join Date: May 2008 Posts: 352

Quote:

Originally Posted by WonThyme

Haha, thanks. I'll report back obv. Gonna head to reception tommorow lunchtime, see if she's picked it up, and if not, arrange for someone to drop a hint that she has post.

Another thing last week in the club, my best mate comes over to me and kisses me. I'm like "wtf ygos" and he says "that's from xxx (the girl), she said to give it you". If I was reading this from anyone else, I'd be like "ffs siihp" but its never as obvious/simple when it concerns yourself!

Well, it can't have gone any more perfect so far!

Popped to the reception about 1pm to see if she'd picked it up. She hadn't. I send her a text that was probably about as subtle as a brick along the lines of "oh I was just getting post and saw xxxx on the list, I presume that's you!"

About an hour later I get a text, and i quote - "It's amazing! :-) I literally sat there dumbstuck! :-) I can't believe you xxx <3"
And her Fb status is now, '...has been reminded through the post why she loves Valentine's time so much".

Perfect! She knows it's a subtle Valentines thing, she loved it and didnt find it creepy, and I'm not going to reply to her text, instead just wait to see her tonight