I didn't really know where to post this but decided to do so here.

Stuff about how much I suck at socialising (as you'd expect, typical awkward nerd stuff).


I desperately want to do something about it. I am very hardworking and studious so I'm willing to put in the work to get results, I just don't know where to start.

How do I find a strategy? 'Pick up artist' kind of guides give me hope that such things can be learned. I want something less cynical and more wholesome though. At this point I just want some friends, nothing else. So any books, any kind of framework to build a 'strategy' on? I just need that structure. As a poker analogy, I need basic theory - the hard part (loads of calculations, deliberate practice, etc.) I am capable of doing. I'm just so hopeless I don't know where to start.

Thx.

It isn't a strategy game man. Why do you think it comes natural to most people? The problem is over-thinking, you've just got to suck it up, be brave and get involved in conversations. Asking people questions about something they are knowledgable about is a good method, even if you already know the answer just pretend you don't. People love to talk about themselves.

For example, you are hanging out with someone that's into cars or whatever. Just ask him a few questions about them and pretend you're interested, don't be annoying, just ask the right kind of stuff. You then have to turn this into a conversation that isn't just a one-way thing, this should happen automatically unless you mess it up somehow by saying something awkward. Just be relaxed and don't over-think stuff before you speak, but at the same time don't come off as weird.

I guarantee that a lot of "people wanting to avoid you" is just paranoia on your part. They just don't know what to say because it's awkward and you're so damn quiet. I used to be nervous too, but people are just people man. Nobody's going to point and laugh at you for making an effort.

The best way to practice socializing is in your classes. The people in your class already have something in common with you, so you can talk about that with them. Eventually, it can lead to new friendships. It took me a couple of years of college before I realized this. My best friend now came from someone I met in one of my classes. It turned out we had a whole lot more in common than just that class, but you have to start out talking about that class.

Don't do the bar scenes. Most people flock there in groups, and as someone who used to have a problem socializing, that is extremely intimidating. Are there any school activities you're interested in? Join those clubs, you'll meet even more people.

If you work as well, that's a great place to socialize and meet others as well, because of that common bond of working that ****ty job.

http://www.amazon.com/Models-Attract.../dp/1463750358

This is a "more wholesome" PUA book that has conversation tips. I knew most of this stuff when I read it and I still found it a worthwhile read.

Being able to ask follow up and open ended up questions is key when talking to people. It shows you care and are interested in what they're saying so they should be more inclined to keep the conversation going.

Also being able to relate to what they are saying is big too. Also if you can BS that will help too.

Making eye contact when in conversation helps a lot too, and makes you come across as being confident.

You seem to be misinformed and somehow relate poker to socializing. It is completely different.

To some people socializing comes naturally, to some it doesn't. Truth is that the only way to get better is to get out and practice. A few times you'll fail miserably, but at the end of the day I promise you it'll be worth it.

One of the most important things in my opinion is to stop being nervous. It's much easier said than done, and nobody is never going to be at least slightly nervous. However truth is that being nervous hurts your performance in any given situation, be it a social situation/work-related situation/presentation. If you think the fact youre nervous is being caused because of lack in certain aspects (clothing style/out of shape/ etc) try to work on that (if possible, of course. If you're 5"1 then that will only get you so far).

Self improvement really is key and will make you feel better about yourself which results in less nerves.

You got this.

Stop talking about yourself all the time.

Read the ask a girl out thread in its entirety. Try to implement all advice given.

Hi there. Had to respond to this as I used to be very awkward but now I can start a conversation with just about anyone about just about anything. You appear to have very low self esteem. People are put off by that and your quietness might come off as snobbery. So you need to smile more and start talking. It will suck at first but eventually it will get better. Next you need to start a new activity completely separate from any social circles you know now. Maybe you've never been interested in painting, but you decide to take up a painting class. You don't know anyone but you only will ever see these people in this environment. Think of it like an experiment. Force yourself to talk to someone there everytime you go. I did this in college, but it was tango instead of painting. I would recommend a partner dance class because more single women sign up for those and need male partners. If you have to make up a story ("my sister is getting married I want to dance at her wedding") or whatever, to feel less awkward, do it. The people here probably won't become good friends, this is more about getting you out of your shell. And the class I took was an adult rec league two towns over so I had no chance of running into people from school or work and feeling stupid. Dance class makes it Easy to talk to people because you're literally dancing with them. Ask them how the class is going with them, share a little bit of info on yourself but ultimately you will get 90% of people talking when it's about their favorite subject: themselves.
Next you'll want to give up over analyzing the things you said or did. Most people only dwell on what they said /did not on you. This takes the pressure off of you. So don't be self conscious.
Some other advice: go to the free peer tutoring for all classes that offer it. Even if you're doing great in the class you get to talk to people that you may run into again. Best of all, You already have a topic of conversation. This will also help your grades and then you can possibly help people in your classes (thinking a lot about science/math here which is what I have degrees in).
Also, Look for volunteering activities on campus or in your community. Looks great on a resume too, you meet many different people like this, it's easy to "grab a beer" after work too. (Don't be over eager or overbearing about it).
Since you're a poker player, maybe it would be good to go to a local room and start chatting the players and dealers there. Weird maybe but at least you're already in a comfortable environment. After you get yourself out of your comfort zone a bit you should join intramurals or a rec league for something you're interested in at your school/in your community. You don't need to be great, just have fun. Physical activity is great because endorphins make you happy. Alcohol is a depressant (although still my favorite social lubricant). Pick up a real hobby (yes, besides the lonely one of poker) and work on improving yourself because all of this is bluffing until you become comfortable with yourself. If you become an interesting person (I.e. Doing a variety of activities to become well rounded), who is open to other people, people will gravitate towards you and you won't care if they don't.
One other word of advice. You need to be able to socialize sober. Bar environments are terrible places to try to make friends, and you're looking at the possibility of drinking too much if you depend entirely on alcohol.
Don't worry, it gets easier.

^Kruella's advice is very good.

Smiling more, working on yourself to increase your confidence, being active, getting out of your comfort zone... all this will help you to become more attractive to others. I am really good in socialising in some environments but in class (and in other situations) I had lots of difficulties and I didn't understand why. It turned out that I looked to serious (because this is how I look when I'm very focused). I also lacked confidence and I've been working on it. Look on the Internet for advice on 'how to stop being self conscious'!

Sometimes, when I sit next to someone new I just ask his/her name and ask for he/she comes from and maybe some other question or make a comment just to break the ice. Then if the conversation flows perfect, if not just don't force it, do your stuff and maybe later you or the other person will find sth else to say. Sometimes people can be very dry, but I don't let it affect me because I don't think it's my problem. All the awkward moments are worth it for when it goes well and you meet nice and responsive people.

Tbh, I also found out that I'm simply not interested about many people in my class and that I make less friends now than when I was a kid because I'm more selective. I like it that way

To gain more confidence I'm planning to do this project with my sister next term: http://www.reddit.com/r/howtonotgive...sort=new&t=all

Also, a TED talk that I found super useful and made me change my attitude is about body language: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ks-_Mh1QhMc You can do so much by just changing your posture! I'm much more positive and confident since I watched this.

Another thing is that now many people are playing with their smartphones on the break or during the class and this obviously makes socialising IRL less likely. It's so sad! Don't do it yourself! Look up!

Along the lines of what others have briefly touched upon, is taking "fun" courses...Things that you want to learn and have to interact with other people...Dancing, bartending, language and massage courses are all good (for massage, be ready to massage old hairy men, but you should also get the chance to massage girls too)...These are life skills so it's worth learning anyways...My 2 cents...

Maybie you should go talk to people who have the same interrest of you , so could could have some point in common and you will have a lot of subject to discust about

you can't study on socializing, you need to confront your fears and start talking to people. I would suggest making a goal of just starting conversations with strangers, let's say at least 3 people with a day, the more you do it the more natural/easier it becomes, practice makes perfect my friend, be that person that you want to be.