Comments that don't contain "advice" still contain perspective. Writers need to know how readers perceive their work. And unless we are writing for an audience solely comprising those who study writing, the majority of our readers will be people who read more-or-less regularly, but don't necessarily know much about how to improve writing, beyond an intermediate level. So, since that group is the majority, opinions of representative members are valuable. Of course, the presence of their advice might increase the consumption of grains of salt, but no one should take what anyone says as canon.

Just rewriting improvements as I see them (I wrote without stopping, so I wouldn't be surprised if a few mistakes still remained, or some of the corrections were themselves mistakes, but I prefer this version better):

The fight was over. The King's guard was lining up the last of the resistance fighters, in the village square, in clear view of the townspeople. {Insert something about the dispositions of the villagers [related to the feelings of relieved tension/sadness/or-whatever-emotion-you-deem-appropriate that arise when something tumultuous finally ends]}. Xavier looked at the eyes of Bryn, his father. Xavier would be strong -- a final gift for his father. Bryn smiled at him. The Lieutenant-Captain of the King's Guard shouted "Alera ile Montralem!" loud enough for the entire village to hear. It meant "long live the king" and was a mantra as old as the mountains themselves. He carried out the king's justice a few seconds later. Xavier did not look away as his father's head rolled down the hill and out of sight, the smile still on his face. He wept.

I wonder if some more professional-sounding label / name can be applied to this character besides "Joe." Unless you're deliberately trying to bluntly undercut him by calling him "Joe" while describing how wrapped up he is in his newfound status. If not, I'd expect "Joe" to refer to himself or think of himself as "Professor [Last Name]" or "Dr. [Last Name]" or some such.

I think your verb tenses are off here. "As a grad student he had only reacted ... , but now he could ... " seems more correct to me.

Also, I'd rephrase your description of what Joe's graduate student years were like. It sounds too extreme to me and doesn't ring true. Perhaps you could soften your account of just how restricted Joe was as a grad student? Typically, history (and humanities) grad students have a fair amount of liberty in the direction of their research and so on. So you should find some less extreme way to phrase the difference he feels between being a professor and having been a graduate student.

And "imaginative thoughts on American history" is a bit weak, mostly because "thoughts on" sounds imprecise and too casual. How about "imaginative take on / interpretation of / understanding of / analysis of / conception of / ... ?"

I think "he knew" sounds too preachy here. I prefer he "felt" / "thought" / "believed." That way, you frame the broad and arguable social thesis that students are being indoctrinated with [x] as a notion that lives in Joe's mind, rather than being an externally true fact that he "knows." The latter will invite your reader to get sidetracked with evaluating the truth and accuracy of the claim, because you're presenting it as objective reality. I'd dodge the whole mess by altering "he knew."

Also, for reasons of elegance, I'd shift the placement of "he knew" (or whatever replacement you choose.) So: "His students had been indoctrinated for eighteen years, he felt, with the pedantic, hero-worshiping themes of the greatest generation."

Finally, I'm not sure how "pedantic" is meant to function here. To me, it means either "overly concerned with formal minutiae" or "showing off one's learning." I have similar trouble with "themes of the greatest generation." That phrase is too nebulous. First, I think "Greatest Generation" is capitalized. Second, what do you mean by "themes of the Greatest Generation?" Do you mean "topics," "values," "perspectives," or what? And the construction "of the Greatest Generation" doesn't help. Do these themes belong to or come from the Greatest Generation? In what sense? Are they "about" the Greatest Generation? Or do you mean that actual members of the Greatest Generation have been teaching a worshipful version of American history to students across the years? Rephrase for clarity.

"Their eyes beginning to open" is a bit stale / clichéd, I think.

This seems abrupt and in need of a lead-in or transition. You say "that day" -- but there's no established point of reference to which "that" is pointing. So my reaction as a reader is: "That day? What day?" And then if I backtrack, I can only vaguely conclude that maybe you mean on his fourth day of teaching as a full professor? Clarify.

"20 feet from home" is too abstract here. Could you maybe find a more natural, locale-specific landmark to specify his distance from his house? Even something utterly vague like "He was nearly home" is less distracting and more effective than the strangely quantified he was "20 feet from home."

Also, the action is unfolding too quickly here. We're still taking in Joe's newfound status, the quick transformation in his students' understanding, Joe's sense of being called to teach, and your jarring cut to "that day." And now, we're seeing Joe recognize "her" dress from the front row of desks. It's too abrupt and compressed, especially as phrased. You can either find clever, clarifying ways of rewriting these events at this high speed of execution -- and for lessons on doing this, I'd study BustoRhymes's submissions, which appear to specialize in such arts -- or just slow down, break up, and simplify the action a little.

Here again, I feel like we're rushing through significant events far too cursorily. Joe and Brittany chatting, should, at minimum, have its own sentence. Like so: "Joe and Brittany chatted." Or "Joe and Brittany began to chat." Open up the moment a bit, and give Joe space to show us how the state of his composure -- as seen by changes in his appearance and demeanor -- is affected by Brittany.

Also, his face becoming drenched strikes me as an overstated and unrealistic response to Brittany's charming presence. If his face grew warm or flushed; or if a light coat of perspiration began to show in certain normal/typical areas; or [insert some other moderate physical symptom / behavioral indicator], then sure.

Lastly, "a fact he deluded himself to believe was caused by" is unwieldy. Try simply "a fact he deluded himself was caused by" / "a fact he pretended [to himself] was caused by" / "a fact he convinced himself was caused by" / etc.


Change "I can't tell him" to "I can't tell the [this] recruiter, but ... " Basically, don't lead with the pronoun "he" in the opening of the sentence that comes right on the heels of your mini-scene involving the narrator's mother. We're jumping quickly from one moment to the next, and leading with the pronoun "he" confuses us and makes us pause and look back at the previous sentences to see if we missed something. Whereas if you open that sentence by identifying "the recruiter" as soon as he appears, then we're less likely to be lost.

Can we do with something a bit more tangible and colorful than "ruthless individual." I mean, I don't have a big problem with "ruthless individual" -- especially if the selection of this phrase stems from a voice mannerism or affectation that is particular to the narrator. But otherwise, I'd consider enriching it.

Is it humanly possible to be 5'7, 280 pounds, and physically mobile at all, let alone capable of scaling walls? I'm exaggerating about the physical mobility, but perhaps you should scale down Chris's dimensions to render his climbing more plausible?

Last line of the story: "and then it turned out he was a flying golf cart."

I'm already excited about Exercises 2-through-n. What will they be?

Yeah I'm pretty keen to find out what they are too so I can start planning!

Will they be related to our first exercise paragraphs? Sort of like building up our stories?

Minions,

I'm not telling. But something like that.

Best,
Busto

Busto,

You're a maggot.

Regards,

Minion #1

I say we try to write the worst paragraph of literature possible (without any exaggerated misspellings or mistakes in basic diction/syntax).

---

"Who goes there," Jane said greedily.

"Me," barked Jill contemptuously, "it is I!"

"Why" Jane laughed derisively.

Jane, who last Friday had overseen the sale of pumpkins, which are, according to Wikipedia.com, a gourd-like squash of the genus Cucurbita and the family Cucurbitaceae (which also includes gourds, but not lambs, Henries, and non-gourd objects), was mad.

"I've had it up to here," Jane excreted sanctimoniously.

"I know what you mean," Jill furnished ponderously.

Jill, whose mother was a sailor, or perhaps an accountant, or perhaps unemployed, was not actually named Jill. Her name was Francine. So why was I calling her Jill? Perhaps we'll never know. In fact, she wasn't even a person. She was a spider. This conversation never took place! And then martians invaded.

One thing I would like anyone interested in Exercise #2 to do is to revise your first paragraphs. You don't have to revise all of them, but pick two or three and really hammer at them. This will prove essential to later exercises.

<---- would purchase

I came

Also

lmao. "The Dad said 'No! You will BE KILL BY DEMONS'" was epic, because of the shouted misspelling.

I was hearing that DOOM story in my head being read with the voice of a fifth-grader, and I was laughing hysterically. Then I got to the penultimate line:

"The radio said 'No, John. You are the demons'"

And completely freaked out. Like some other voice suddenly broke into the narration. Something cold and more intelligent than I can fathom. Hiding in the broken prose of an eleven-year-old boy.