yeah keep telling yourself that.

I was thinking more along the lines of showing up drunk.

She's already going crazy with curiosity, asking if I can just give her an idea what this is about. We meet in 3 1/2 hours.

tick, tick, tick...

Im confident in my sexuality, enough to make the post that I did.

I think this is all pretty kid-specific. I'm inclined to say nothing for the time being, but with an alert eye to an appropriate time. I can't fully articulate all my reasoning, but I do not feel the time is right. I think he needs a little more time to get comfortable with himself.

There is also a side issue, albeit not a large one: I discovered this all from finding a post of his on an internet forum. I've checked the forum out and I think it's a good outlet for him, and may really serve as a way of connecting and relating (in a non-sexual way) to other kids. Because I'm always worried whether he has enough friends, I do not want to take that outlet away from him. That forum seems like a pretty safe way for him to discuss whatever, outside of the glare of his parents (at least to his knowledge).

.

I feel sorry for your wife. She's probably very worried at this point. What if you tell her and she's like "oh THAT? Is that all you wanted to tell me?"

I wouldn't know whether to take that positively or negatively.

What I mean is, what if she's already thought about this issue (that her son might not be straight) and it doesn't matter to her. She's now spent 7 hours of today worried out of her mind, thinking something horrible has happened.

As the husband/father, I would be a little disappointed that my wife already knew about this issue and hadn't discussed it with me. But at the same time I would be relieved that I wouldn't need to go through any crazy explaining and that I wouldn't have to worry about her flipping out and not knowing how to handle the situation.

I think there is quite a bit of validity to this, but apparently you don't and you are in on the ground floor.

Also Fishette's post about random discussion --> dangers of drug abuse, and my complete inability to see how this could happen makes me worry about my ability to be a parent.

That second post from the listserv broke my heart. If I ever do have children, I hereby avow to love/respect them regardless of anything.

GL with the meeting with the wife. I think Katy's comments are about the best-case situation. It probably won't be like this. Are you not worried about your wife breaking down crying in the restaurant?

I just can't see this being the case. I'm not saying being gay/bi = something horrible, but this is bound to be a curveball and will, I imagine, be treated as such. Having no children myself, and still being relatively young, the only thing I have to base my feelings on this are from my relationship with my parents. I'm sure my mother would have just been shocked that I was sexually conscious at 14, because as I posted earlier ITT she was shocked that I was sexually active at 21. I also know, that a situation such as OP is going into tonight would 100% been received by my mother bursting into tears in the restaurant, but that was just how she was. OP knows his wife better, but this is definitely not a conversation I would want to have in public. That's just me though, but have you even considered this OP?

Absolutely. But I've put this off long enough, and there's no telling when I'll manage to get a decent chunk of time with her alone at home. Unfortunately, we have thin walls. I don't want to have the kids walk in during the middle of the conversation, and I don't want to wait to start the conversation when we're around to go to bed.

I do expect her to get teary, but nothing overly dramatic. And if Katie is right that she'll think it's not a big deal, I'd be the happiest guy in the world. But I don't think it will be that simple.

You sound like such a nice father. Your kids are really lucky.

Before I run out of here for "the discussion," anyone want to offer an opinion whether this kind of issue is more or less difficult for the mother or father as a rule? I assume there is no general rule.

on first thought i would think it would be more difficult for the father to have a gay son...its less masculine, less likely to continue the family name blah blah...unless there are other circumstances such as very religious background or other bigotry...

good luck...

I decided to check out my son's forum one more time, right before I go, to see if there is any new info. In the same thread where this began, I see my son posted this moments ago:

More reason for me to scratch my head.

What did you mean here DIddy. I don't what?

For some reason I am amused by the little addendum to his post.

I can see why you're head scratching.

I realized too late that the true mitigating factor in my parents not wanting to do this in public is not emotional, but the fact that I'm from an EXTREMELY small town and it would basically become public knowledge after this.

It was directed at the OP, who seemed to think this is a by-product of his son's absent-minded nature rather than some passive cry for attention on this matter. I guess I should have multi-quoted.

Also, I sincerely hope things went well OP.

Gotcha diddy. And agree on the well wishes to OP.

No TR yet?
wife killed op for making her worried about nothing?
op is still peeling wife off of the ceiling?

Katy wins! To my extreme surprise, my wife reacted 1000 times more calmly than I had. She was actually relieved and ended up reassuring me that everything was fine. So much for me being the "rock" of the family.

One reason this surprised me has to do with our backgrounds. I am from a NYC suburb and am about as cosmopolitan as you can get (for better or worse). She is from a relatively small town in Colorado. My Jewish family openly talked/argued about whatever. Her Catholic family repressed any controversial discussion. If anyone should have been more comfortable with the idea of a bisexual or even gay son, it should have been me.

But this might be part of the explanation. If I can generalize, I suspect that it may be more difficult for a father than a mother to deal with the possibility that a son could be gay. I'm not sure why that is. I don't think of myself as homophobic, but maybe I'm kidding myself.

It's also possible that my wife reacted more calmly because she did not have the vivid experience and shock of seeing the images on the computer that I did. Or maybe, seeing my stress, she just naturally assumed the role of the calmer person.

Further, she is more optimistic than I am that our son is merely going through a "questioning phase" and, in the end, will turn out to be a conventional heterosexual. She correctly notes that he is not at all effeminate in his mannerisms. Unlike some gays (I hear), he never preferred the company of girls as a little kid. Maybe those observations are irrelevant. But in any case, she does not think the worst-case scenarios are so bad. Both of us really just want our son to have the chance for genuine, emotional intimacy.

Another dynamic here is that, in retrospect, I think I made the situation worse by keeping it to myself for the past week. This is not meant to criticize anyone who thought I should refrain from discussing it with my wife (particularly given my description of the events). There was good reason for me to hesitate, think everything through carefully, and solicit advice before saying anything.

But without someone to discuss this with (in person), I probably internalized and magnified everything. And it didn't help when I began hearing some personal accounts from gays/bis and their parents; while they were supportive, they often described horror shows about what they had to face.

So, in the end, my wife readily agreed with me that we should not confront my son about the topic for the time being, as he may simply be in a "questioning phase." We agreed to be alert to an opportunity to discuss the subject later, leaving open the possibility of initiating the discussion ourselves.

I'll also note that she completely approved of doing the computer search and thought it should continue periodically (of both kids' computers), just to make sure they're safe. She felt empowered by the information and was glad to have it.

The bottom line: this discussion was a resounding success and I was never happier in my choice for a wife.

And a big "thank you" to everyone here who took the time to read and offer input. It was a big help.

Awesome OP. Glad she, like you, were so understanding.

And as always, we have learned to never question Katy.

So glad to hear this, must be a relief to have gotten it off your chest.

Can't say I like the idea of covert computer checks. I remember being outraged when a friend's mum was reading our chat logs behind his back (I was more outraged than my friend in fact). She found out we were smoking pot, but what made me really angry was that general talk I had assumed was private was being read by someone else: it felt like a real invasion of privacy.

With that said, I've never been in the concerned parent's shoes...

Good luck with everything. To be honest, and this is just an inkling, it sounds like the biggest hurdle might be overcoming your own preconceptions about homosexuality. Your concern is genuinely touching, but I must say that my first impression was that you were making more of this than was necessary. I hope that doesn't sound condescending, it's just my feeling that if your son is gay/bi or whatever, though it will doubtless expose him to some prejudice, ultimately it probably won't have have much of a bearing on his future happiness so long as he accepts it himself.

All the best.