Sometimes teens want things found out. Maybe he couldn't find a way to bring it up so he left it on his screen, yeah?

I mean, if I was harboring a "secret" about potentially being gay or bisexual, I don't think I'd be leaving pages wide open on the screen.

Not the situation here, though I can imagine it with some kids. And your point actually raises a specific concern I am wrestling with.

One of my son's quirks is he is very spaced out, kind of like an absent-minded professor type. Though I would imagine he would guard this kind of secret with his life, I could see him somehow putting himself into a situation where the information accidentally came out. And the problem then is that he would be a potential target of abuse and bullying at school. This makes me almost want to warn him to be careful about disclosing his orientation (although that would seem to contradict the idea that honesty is healthful).

This is probably a premature concern for a while, but I'm already devoting a lot of thought to it.

I'm not sure that it contradicts the idea that honesty is healthful. I mean, sometimes it's just better to not disclose everything; it's not lying.

I have very little life experience with that idea though, so I don't know.

This was my mothers first reaction..shes gotten over it since :P


Concerned Parent,

I think its very very clear that you are just looking after your sons best interests and rather than flipping out by what you found, I think its ace that you have come to ask some people for, well, their own thoughts.

When i was 14..I liked boys (I'm female, just to clarify) :P I was girly (still am!)...I giggled and blushed and crushed on boys big time. When I was 15 I had been seeing a lad for about 12 months. For whetever reason (which sounds odd, cos I know a lot of ppl say you are born 'gay/bi whatever) I split with my fella and decided to hit the night scene quite hard..it soon became apparent I liked girls..and a few years later thats all I liked. I told my mum when I was 17..and sadly it came up during a fight..she was understandly shocked..but now we are very close. (even though i got the cry cry I'll never have grandkids, cry cry. Well, sorry mum, youll just have to love me more instead then )

I think, even at 17, let alone 14, I wouldnt have wanted to be confronted about it..and I wanted to tell my mum in my own time. At 14, I think you just have to let him explore who he is and make him aware that you are around to talk about anything, and that you'd be proud of him no matter what he did in life. I would try and limit your 'snooping' though...make sure its purely in the interests of making sure he's ok rather than extreme curiousity and try not to let the whole situation worry you too much. Also, if you let him come to you in his own time, he'd never have to know that you looked.

The worrying about bullying is understandable - I'm very self confident and can give as good as I get..just watch out for him..bullying doesnt just happen at school, it happens all through life. Thankfully, Ive never come up against it..the people worth knowing are the people who like you entirely for who you are.

If you are finding it difficult keeping it from your wife, then tell her, but, do you think you'll both be able to carry on just acting as normal? Will your son suspect something has been found out? The last thing you want him to do is get more reserved about it all.

It can be a scary world out there, for everyone, but at 14 and thinking you may be 'different' must be, well, very hard indeed. Of course, it might all just be a phase and you wont have anything to worry about (until he brings him the lass from hell!)

I'll say it again: just be there for him, look after him and make sure he's ok.

Lastly, it sounds like youre doing great; you sound like a wonderful Father

Welcome to the forum, Aston.

Thanks for making a wonderful first Lounge post.

Definitely pretty good. I kind of figured we'd have some more non-hetero's -- or at least out of the closet ones -- in this a lot earlier, but I'm glad we finally got that important perspective.

hai how's it going guize?

re: snooping

Keep in mind I'm 19 and still live at home, plus my mom is a chronic snooper. She constantly digs through my room looking for any reason to freak out. Porn, cigars (I could maybe understand if I was 12, but I was 19 when she found them ffs), dirty comics I had drawn during class, CDs I had with swear words (yes, she went through the lyrics booklets of all my CDs, then grounded me for listening to Blink 182), basically any deviation from me being a good Christian son was enough for an immediate grounding and a ridiculously long speech about living a good clean life. And obv none of that had any effect on me except teaching me how to hide things better.

So maybe I'm just bitter. And I suppose snooping is fine if you're worried about what your kid may be doing. But ffs please don't flip out if you discover your teenage son has a dirty mouth and likes titties.

Haha well said.

I had a friend who used to tell me that his kid was a saint who would never so much as say a swear word, never lie, never drink a beer, and if he ever did anything "bad," would run right over and tell him immediately. My WTF expression honestly surprised him. I think he would have been better off keeping his feet a little more solidly on the ground, but you pays your money and you takes your chances.

Quick update:

Though I've received a surprisingly diverse amount of opinion and advice - even amongst those who purportedly have some professional or personal experience - I feel that I am slowly reaching a resolution how to proceed: basically, I am not going to raise the topic with my son, and simply try to remain available and reinforce the message of acceptance whenever possible. After some time passes, I might change my mind. But I think this kid needs some space right now.

And I also think I will tell my wife. Recognizing that she will be able to control herself - and probably will accept my advice about what to do with my son - the remaining issue is simply whether I am doing her a favor by keeping this information to myself. While I go back and forth about this, I think that I am not doing her a favor, in the long term.

I have some time before I'll have a good opportunity to discuss this with her alone - perhaps not until the weekend - but I am not looking forward to it. I kind of feel like I'll be ending her innocence. But if I don't go that way, there could be an inadvertent wall start to build between us.

No one here can really comment about what I should tell my wife, without knowing the two of us. I am still interested in hearing anyone's personal stories that might have relevance, though.

OP:

Honest question: what if you had a teenage daughter and you found out that she's teh bi the same way that you have found out that your son is.

Good question. It's sad, but people view a gay girl much differently than a gay guy.

But will you be doing your son a favor by telling your wife? Isn't he really the central player and person most needing a favor in this matter?

then you hire me.

He's the central concern definitely, but not the only concern. And at some point, I'm afraid secrecy has an invidious effect on all.

Still, I keep changing my mind about telling my wife. This morning I remembered that some had told me this truly could be a "questioning phase," meaning it might be utterly unnecessary to put my wife in a position of worrying.

Key to the whole question is determining the likelihood of this being a phase and the likelihood of my son ultimately viewing himself as homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual. I've also learned that some bisexuals separate their romantic (i.e., whom they want relationships with) and sexual feelings (i.e., purely physical attraction).

Some of the stories I'm hearing are heartbreaking.

From a listserve of people responding to me:


And from a person who doesn't speak English well:

I don't know. It's hard enough trying to sort out my feelings about my son.

I think many of the feelings would be the same, but I might be less concerned about the safety of a bisexual daughter and about the potential of her being ostracized. The world of a gay man seems somewhat scarier than the world of a lesbian.

I believe the same thing. The worst thing you could call anyone when I was a kid was "gay." It didn't mean he was gay or you thought he was, but it was just so beyond anything else as an insult and a reason to hate, that it was the "go to" word.

Times haven't changed much. We (OK really Fishette) had to get all over our 12 YO Boy for participating in a Gay name calling thing going on with some of his friends.

We have tried to teach our kids to respect other people and that gay is not a "Bad" thing. The girl gets it 100% but the boy will be harder, especially growing up in a small cowboy town.

Yeah guys' peers kind of expect them to join in on lots of jerky stuff.

Last night, I finally told someone I know personally about this, a work friend who does not have much interaction with my family. (It was not easy finding someone I could trust and respect enough to discuss this subject with, while also not being so intertwined with my family that privacy concerns would be an overriding issue.) My friend helped persuade me that I should tell my wife, which was where I've been headed on this anyway.

Truthfully, I would have told her already, if I only had had the chance to speak to her alone for more than a few minutes, outside the home. (Not as simple to arrange as it sounds, as we both work long hours). A few minutes ago, I sent my wife an IM, suggesting we go out to dinner tonight. This was the second time I suggested this in a week, and she immediately sensed something is up and wanted to be reassured I was not going to spring anything on her. Eventually, I disclosed it's about our son, but I'd prefer to talk in person, which she reluctantly accepted. By the time we meet, I wouldn't be surprised if she's already guessed the topic.

I'm really amazed how nervous I am about this conversation, even though I have a very close relationship with her and don't really doubt that she will ultimately be very supportive and will agree with me about how to proceed. Recognizing that she'll be supportive also forced me to realize that the only remaining reason for keeping this a secret was the hope that I could spare her another thing to worry about. But eventually, she would have persisted in asking me whether anything was bothering me, so I've really just been postponing the inevitable.

I just hope she can keep her curiosity in check for another 7 hours, so that we can have the conversation in person.

Help break it to her easier by telling her you've also been sleeping with her sister.

The researching on his computer seems excessive, but i would probably do similar things in your position. i think you have no choice but to tell your wife, and to tell the kid at some point. otherwise you are perpetuating dishonesty

I couldn't read the whole thread so in some ways I'm grunching here.

1.) you need to tell him that you heard/know he's bisexual. Don't let this issue boil for ever. It will put a strain on your relationship to be hiding secrets like this from him. Talk it out however painful that might be.

2.) He might be going through a phase so tell him your worried but will support him no matter what etc.

3.) If he's gay then he's gay

4. When I was 15 I used to talk to gay guys on the internet because I thought it was funny and interesting..
My parents ended up looking through my email where two old gay dudes had sent me pics of their dicks, so my mom hid the fact that she found out what I was doing for like two weeks and then we had a big fight over nothing, because I'm not gay.