You sound like a very nice dad.

One of the morning talk shows (maybe the Today Show?) did a segment on the fad of h.s. girls to claim they are bi on internet sites. Can't remember exactly what was said but I'm pretty sure it was that the girls thought it made them look more interesting and open to experimenting. The point was that just because they said it did not mean it was actually true. It turns out that in some cases it was not true at all.

Just curious, have you talked to your son about sex and using protection? Seems like 14 is a good time to have that sort of general talk. Or do kids get all that in school now?

So ... what's that 0.1% of you doing Friday night?

j/k

There is no way to coclude this to be true.
1. Your son is very young, he might not know himself.
2. The annonymousness (sp) also gives him the opportunity to lie. Maybe not that he wants to be fake, but listing hiself as Bi gives him extra opportunities in who to chat with and what to chat about.
Your son just might be curious and intelligent.

Don`t say anything. Your son is young and he will become whatever he becomes regardless of what you say to him or how many deers you kill/raw steaks you eat.

Trying to mess with his thoughts or ideas will push him away.
If you want to know more, listen to him and pay attention to what he says/signals, cause he might be testing you/your reaction to this stuff already.
Don`t underestimate kids or there natural desire to explore.
And when kids want to know more about controversial stuff they go somewhere else than there parents.

I found the same thing while surfing today, but I think it was limited to high school girls. Hard for me to imagine that it would be cool for a ninth grade boy to make this claim.

As I mentioned earlier, my son goes through this OWL program at our church. It does not focus on the "mechanics" of sex, since the schools handle that. But it spends considerable time on all related issues, including risky behavior. Above all, it is a course designed to facilitate conversations and understandings about relationships, which is not really covered in school.

So, yes, he has had plenty of that kind of info.

sigh i imagine this kind of thing would be really hard for me. like if my son was a hardcore goth and wanted me to buy his makeup or chains or some ****. still probly right to let him do his thing though, no matter how much it pains you.

i think i would need to know your son to decide whether you should talk to him or not. would he be open to a conversation about sexuality, or would he feel like you were pushing him into something? if i felt like i could talk about it to him i would. otherwise, i'd just sit back and see what happens.

as for this owl thing, i'd like to know what's going on in there. if they push people into being open about themselves rather than just creating an open environment, i can see a kid feeling pressured to have certain feelings in order to share. for example, i invented sins when i did my first confession.

This is really the heart of my question: how likely is it that he has a good sense of this himself, still a month from turning 14? It's also worth noting that he is not that physically mature yet, probably somewhat behind the curve of other kids.

Possibly, but he also had searched for nude photos of both men and women on his computer. You're right, I don't really know what he thinks, but I'm guessing that he was being honest (and maybe accurate).

A couple of links for those interested in the OWL program:

From the Unitarian Universalists

Wikipedia entry

One more link

It really is a great program. I've taught it myself at a couple of age levels (yet I'm still utterly unprepared for my current situation).

Getting information and preparing yourself for it seems like a really smart step to take, so kudos to you on that front.

As others have said, I think the most important thing is to show that you're accepting regardless of the path things start to take. Notice, you have to show it. Don't be one of those parents who says they're supportive but has to force it out of their mouth.

I don't imagine that will be a problem from your perspective, so that's good.

It's kind of a rough thing in a way, because there certainly are some more challenges and obstacles for people who aren't straight. They're, of course, due to pressures from the outside world, but what isn't?

Things will turn out for the best one way or another. Just remember that it may be a very delicate situation for your son.

One more thing I'll note. I sent an email to a support group I found earlier (parents of gay/lesbian kids), basically repeating the OP here. This is the reply (in pertinent part):

I'll try to address your questions. First, don't confuse sexual orientation with sexual acts. Sexual orientation is who you are attracted to, who you fall in love with, not necessarily who you have sex with. If you think back to your own childhood, I'm sure you can remember having a crush on someone at a far earlier age than you knew about sex, that's sexual orientation. You say your son has had no romantic experiences, but he may be attracted to a schoolmate without ever saying anything or have a crush on a pop singer or movie star, enough to make him understand his own desires.

As for bisexuality, I don't know if you have heard of the Kinsey scale but it's a way of rating one's attraction and there are indeed people who are 100% heterosexual or 100% homosexual but then there are others who fall somewhere in between. Given that we live in an overwhelmingly heterosexual society, most of them end up in a relationship with someone from the opposite sex because it's what's expected, but not always. And you are correct that teens may sometimes identify themselves as bisexual because they just aren't ready yet to come out as gay. Sometimes you will see the phrase "gay, lesbian, bisexual and questioning" with the last category covering some of this gray area as well.

Finally, you ask about who you should speak to. If you wish you can bring it up with your son as I did with mine but he may deny it or make another excuse because he may simply not be ready to come out to you. I've heard that coming out to parents is the hardest thing that gays and lesbians may ever have to do; even if there isn't the fear of rejection, there's the knowledge that they will be causing their parent some pain. You may wish to bring up the subject in a roundabout way, perhaps discuss gay issues with him and then mention that if he or any child of yours were gay then it would be fine with you. I can tell you that once the secret is out your son may be relieved; after all, he's been living with his secret for a while now.

I do agree that you should not tell your wife. If your son wishes to you can support him in his decision but it really should be his choice who knows. This, unfortunately, puts you in the closet. Now as your you, speaking from my own experience, it's easy to say to our children that it doesn't matter if they are gay, but at some level it does matter. If nothing else we need to adjust all those dreams we had for our children and I think, too, there is a part of us as parents who think we know all about our children and now we find there is an important part of who they are that we didn't know at all. I found that reading helped me adjust and also attending PFLAG meetings. There are many good resources at www.pflag.org including recommended reading lists.

it does sound like a great program, but its effect on the students is going to be veryyyyy different depending on how it is presented.

The only way I can believe you should hide it from your wife is if she is going to flip out on your son and blow this thing up.

Otherwise, I'm definitely with Fish. You have to tell your wife. What does having the secrecy offer? Your son has the choice who knows, but then again, you don't KNOW. You've just come across some potentially vital information; I personally think you should share that with your wife.

Diddy's just keeping his options open in case George Clooney calls....

I've been wavering, and will have to think about it. I think she can control herself from saying anything to my son. While theoretically she'd like to be informed, it really may be pointless at this time, and only serve to worry her. It almost feels selfish for me to burden her with this, until I know more.

My current attitude is to wait and see if the right moment happens to present itself.

The nude pics are pretty persuasive but still not definitive. He may just be exploring what he thinks and feels and not at all sure yet. His own puberty might be bringing up curiosity about what he figures he's supposed to look like down there, or will look like one day, too.

Even if you think he is being honest (though being completely honest, when benefiting from twisting things a bit is an option is rare) then listing as a Bi sexual probably send a stronger signal of being insecure about his sexuality than claiming to actually be BI.

No matter if you talk about sex or business, it is very natural to be insecure and have doubts, when you have no experience at all.
I think this is very normal, and I think given his age the chance of him being straight is still way higher than 50%.

Porn doesn't lie.
So we know he has some questions.

It's not unusual for young guys to go through a homosexual phase. It's a confusing time when friendships, personal identity, sex and hormones go ape****.
Especially if he's a late bloomer. (like I was) Everyone else is going through changes and having new types of relationships and things haven't changed for you. I didn't start to mature until about 10th grade. My mom even took me to an endocrinologist to see if I was ok. Things worked out eventually, and I think I was better off for having matured a little before the madness kicked in.

I wouldn't "confront" him on anything, but you did have and continue to have communication on sex and relationships, right? So if he has questions he can come to you?
I would just reaffirm to him that it's ok to go at his own pace. There's no need to declare a major before even reaching college.

About the photos this.

Vital to what? What's his wife going to do? What action needs to be taken to prevent ... I dunno, catastrophe or something?

*sigh* Aren't our 0.1%'s all?

I'd speak to him about it, but would start by prefacing the conversation by giving him a warning about putting too much personal information on the internet. I'd caution him that there are plenty of weirdos out there and that he has to be more careful as a 13 year old. Beyond that there will eventually be classmates and peers who will stumble across these profiles and use them as vehicles of torment. Reminding him as a general life lesson that minimalism in regards to personal information on the net is prudent judgment.

That will hopefully prove to be surprising and disarming way to let him know that no matter what his adult orientation proves to be, you still love him and will always stand by him.

As you've noted, living as a homosexual has to be a great deal harder than living as a heterosexual. I imagine it would be a considerable relief to him, even at this young age, to know that his (prospective) homosexuality won't make him the family black sheep.

Whether or not he ever turns out gay, at least you (and your wife) didn't show yourselves to be mortified ogres who were staggered by the particular hand fate dealt your son. If you take the lead on tolerance it will be harder for your wife to react adversely.

The future situations that she may or may not find herself in. I don't mean to say that it's entirely necessary, so maybe vital was the wrong word choice. However, I do think that she's going to wish she had this information if things do come up, and if they don't, then there isn't any harm.

Again, what does keeping this secret offer?

Edit: maybe I meant vital to information about their son. You know, things that parents might care about.

In rereading it though, I'm not entirely sure which switch my brain was on. Shrug.

From what he says, it might make the wife go a little ballistic or whatever, something negative, and it's implied that would not be to the kid's benefit. That's what he himself said, so I took him at his word. I think he knows his wife better than either of us do.

OP, one good thing about being bi-sexual:

he'll have double the opportunity for a date on Saturday nights!

Eh, was starting to post about how OP and most of the posters in this thread are bigots and/or *******s, then I re-read this:

1) Don't snoop.

2) Don't tell wife. You got the information by snooping, so just think of it as inadmissible evidence. If you knew she'd be 100% cool with it you could tell her, but you said she'd freak.

3) Don't worry. He can handle himself if he gets social pressure and basically tell those people to **** off. You didn't raise him to be a conformist who gets all affected by what *******s think of him.

Right?

4) A lot of you seem like you'd be actually worried (even just a tad) about your son being a fudgepacker or whatever, having nothing to do with OP's stated reasoning. You're *******s.

Please, please teach him about internet safety. He is some pedophiles wet dream right now. Put his computer in a public area of the house. I don't think any 13 year old should have their private computer in their bedroom. You are just asking him to get into weird stuff browsing the internet.

Again, some pedo is going to go wild if he finds your kid young and confused on some internet chat room.