Thanks for indulging me while I try to maneuver my way through unfamiliar social situations. I appreciate your responses.

I'm curious, does the part about how you cant call these people out for it make sense? And is it a situation you may be able to recognize in the future and prevent from doing again?

Thing is that aside from the internet, I don't run into that self-righteous behavior at all. I tend not to even approach topics like that in friendly conversation to avoid situations that might annoy me. So, I rarely even get to that point. I was more direct and aggressive about that stuff in college. Not so much anymore. Even when people actively insult America, I don't get offended (mostly because they're right when they do it).

I see that calling people out on their bull**** sympathy is a losing battle. It shouldn't have even got to this point. People should have actively been calling people out on that in the beginning for quality control. Now it's too late and such narcissism is now the norm. I'm just unfollowing or unfriending people who post that type of nonsense now. Out of sight, out of mind.

That seems rash. Why unfriend them?

You just need to rest easy knowing that many mutual FB friends recognize this. Trust me, you arent the only one. That is a big part of the reason why you dont call them out. Most people wont want to hear it from you because they are FEEEEEEEEEEEELERS and doing such makes them feel warm and fuzzy inside. So they simply dont care what you have to say. And the people who agree with you...well...they recognize it without you bringing it up, so the net effect is you are preaching to the choir. Nobody is going to see you and think "wow, SUB is brilliant! I never realized those people were less than 100% ingenuous!" Lol. So just save it for the OOT annoying FB thread, and keep them on your friend list.

It is too much work (and futile) for 1 person to try to undo all of society's disingenuity.

Besides, of all the "bad" things a person can do, changing a FB image to a flag of a country that just got attacked is wayyy down on the list.

Watch Forensic Files. People get married with the sole intention of poisoning their spouse once they buy life insurance. These Facebook types aren't that big a deal in the grand scheme.

I tend to unfriend people who I don't think I'll ever meet again or who I haven't had any contact with. So the people I unfriended aren't a huge loss while unfollowing was done to people who I actually am friends with but am kind of annoyed with their self-righteousness.

Yeah that seems fine. Basically everyone who is annoying on my FB feed is cool irl. So I let a lot slide, or just unfollow.

Now there is one topic that I have not covered at all in this thread. I have to wonder if there are others who are curious about dating, sex, and relationships with the opposite sex when it comes to people with autism. So, I think it'll be best to address it here.

Before we go on, I'll state that yes I've been on dates, have hooked up and have had girlfriends. Obviously given my social awkwardness, I have not been overly active in that area have been sexually inactive for some time now partly through choice and partly because given my social and admittedly physical disadvantages, I'm not somebody to envy. I'm 30 years old and well past the days of wanting to **** every girl I see. Nowadays, I find one night stands pretty unfulfilling in the long run. Nice to get your rocks off, but there's no long-term satisfaction in it for me mostly because I spent too much time overthinking the simplest things. I'll write more about overthinking in greater detail later on and how detrimental it is for me in sex and dating.

Past relationships have either ended in self-sabotage due to some irrational fear that I did not (and still do not) understand or heartbreak. The most recent serious relationship involved a girl I met when living in China who I was genuinely in love with but whose parents did not approve of me due to being a foreigner (gotta keep the Chinese blood pure and that bull****).

I'll give you an example of what I mean. This is from a bit less than 1.5 years ago. Granted, the example is rather embarrassing and should this have been in OOT or BBV the lolz would be beyond excessive. But perhaps seeing things from the view of an extremely socially inhibited person would offer insight to those who are interested in what the dating/sex life of a person with autism might be.

I was at an intercambio (an English-Spanish language exchange program) at an American style bar/restaurant in the city center on a Wednesday night. I had recently begun going there. So, I didn't know anybody there. I sat at a table and introduced myself to some Spaniards who wanted to practice some English. At the center of conversation was a girl who was dealing tarot cards for others at the table. She appeared to be about my age (maybe slightly older) and her English was limited to say the least. Despite the fact that she was fairly skinny, she wasn't particularly attractive. Adults wearing braces aren't much of a turn on for me.

After she does the tarot thing with the other two people at the times whose English levels are about as bad as hers, she turns to me. Honestly, I think tarot cards are pretty stupid. So initially, I'm just not interested in it. She and the other two people insist and I give in. I mean what the hell could go wrong. They're bull**** after all. So why not joke around a bit?

As she is dealing these cards, I am joking around and making an occasional flirty comments about what the cards mean and she's laughing along with it. I don't recall the cards or the exact comments I made but they weren't freaking anybody out.

After the cards and flirting is done, she asks me, "Where do you live?" and quickly follows that with, "How are you getting back?" I'm a bit shocked by how direct this person was. I mean did she really believe that much in those tarot cards? I had been at the table with her for less than an hour and she spent less than half of that time doing these cards with me. I know her first name and that's it. This was a completely unexpected turn and one that I was not planning on taking for various reasons (work, dirty apartment, no contraception etc). I get flustered and my face turns bright red or at least it feels that way to me. I answer the questions and when I tell her that I took the metro here, she responds with some degree of shock in her voice which further adds onto the embarrassment I am currently feeling. She asks for my e-mail and number which I provide and I think it best to head out since I'm still a bit flabbergasted by the response I received.

This is where things get mental (or more mental). I have an awful tendency to run certain situations and scenarios through my mind for an extended period of time, sometimes hours on end which was the exact case here. It's referred to as paralysis analysis, more simply referred to as overthinking. I know I shouldn't have been so flustered and have it stuck in my mind but I just couldn't help it. Basically, I go around in circles wondering about every potential situation that could arise in the near and not-so-near future. It's a torturous exercise in futility that I have an extraordinarily difficult time breaking out of. Imagine this overthinking playing out in just about every relationship with somebody of the opposite sex and you have what dating and sex is like for somebody with autism.

I'm not saying that this is the case for every single person with autism. As I have addressed, it's a very diverse disorder that affects people in different ways. But this is how it effects me. It leads to me being unhappy in basically every single relationship even if the relationship is great. Through unbearable overthinking, I have without question destroyed relationships that probably could have gone somewhere in the future and likely changed the direction of my life in ways I could not imagine. It has led to considerable sadness and continues to do so to this day.

Bob I actually was diagnosed with aspergers over a year ago at 27,

My brother who is two years older than me also has aspergers and although we share some similarities we are totally different, I can relate to a lot of what you say, and have suffered with certain areas of life like you, including your last post I can relate alot, can I ask how have you found poker being this condition, dealing with downswing and stuff? Pm me if you want to talk anymore, it's quite interesting I seen this thread but it's not crazy to think caustic people seem drawn in by addictive online games, sorry if you don't play poker now and have not read all your comments properly, interested in some of the things you may have come across these last few years, regards

I never went professional. I played for a little money on the side starting in 2006. Around 2009, I stopped playing regularly and after 2010 I stopped playing online entirely. Now, I play on average twice a month in a cheap home game. Poker is one of those things for me that's enjoyable when you don't have to rely on it as your primary source of income. Once the money became important to me and I started sweating the results, I found it more of a chore than a passion.

Given where online poker has gone since, I don't regret my decision.

That's about exactly how it went with poker and me too

Thanks for posting SUB, very interesting topic.

My mom is from a huge family, she is 1 of 15 (one of her sisters I feel confident has gone throughout life undiagnosed, possibly 1 brother too). On that side I have 44 cousins, 10 of which have been diagnosed with autism. I am the oldest of all the cousins, and was never very close with any of them since most of them are significantly younger. But what I do know is that there is a huge difference in all of them. Some can hold conversations very well, others not so much. But they all are very intelligent. Point being, I think its important to bring up the varying degrees. Always good to bring awareness to the community, and Im glad you posted this.

thanks, yeah i cant really say that being me is easy in the poker world, how much ive gone on to win and punt back in my rage fuelled sessions sort of makes me hate the game and what it has done to me especially as i make my money in mtts which is kind of hard mentally anyways but thats another story, it seems like english teaching you quite enjoy? where are you from originally? what made you start teaching in spain may i ask?

Re: the girl. I guess that's why they call it the "inter-cambio" . Seriously though, women seem to be hardwired to "believe" in things, so you have to accept stuff like this tarot thing and of course it's good when it works in your favour like this. Don't expect to find a girl who is a copy of yourself. Ayn Rand (I mean the old books about life, not the summaries made by people who want the books to be about modern U.S politics), had the theory that people with similar outlooks on life attract each other and end up together in relationships, and her fiction books are written this way. The basic flaw with this is that in our societies there are far more rational men than women (which is usually visible in Rand's books with 3 rational men fighting over 1 rational woman) - so that's nonsense and you don't need a copy of yourself. I always say a partner should be a teammate like in Badminton (i.e. you each cover different parts of the court), not a teammate like in F1 (you race in your identical cars and at the end of the year they add up your individual points to get your team score), so look for someone who covers the part of the court you don't cover, or "can't see" might be an even better metaphor. Obviously tarot is one of your weak points though it doesn't seem to be a valuable skill - on the other hand the nature of things is that you can't objectively judge the importance of things you don't know much about so don't be as quick to dismiss e.g. dress-sense as quickly as you would tarot.

If you are anything like me you aren't going to be great at picking out a girl then seducing her - you need to accept the ones who throw themselves at you a bit more and let them steer it where they want it to go. It's not that she's desperate, you probably also impressed her (maybe the tarot readings were her BS pickup line), if she's Spanish and looking for the more reserved man then it would make sense that she would go there looking for someone like you. The thing is to try to be as impressive as you can generally (I mean intelligence wise, calm, depth, playing to your strengths not being impressive as the loudest idiot in the bar) and then just let them come to you. You need to be able to close the deal though, I had big problems with this - as I said to one young guy who came over to Slovakia "the girls here will lay the meal out on the table for you but they won't put it in your mouth for you" - I think its good for me and you to be in countries where people don't hide their intentions so subtly. It's hard read people but if you go by the rule that a first date ends with a kiss on the lips then you are not making a big faux pas - whether they accept the kiss or stop you - and at least that way you've made the key step forward into a dating situation and they can help drive it forward again.

I get the problem with overanalysing things too, people are talking to me and they complain I'm not listening, and I'm not because I'm still thinking about the last thing they said. Analysing situations in depth after the fact happens to me too and sometimes stops me from sleeping.

Re: poker. Aren't the .es player pools meant to be really easy?

PS - sorry I've treated your post as a Rorschach test, hope that at least some of what I wrote is relevant to you.


*The reasons are probably self perpetuating, certainly tarot-guy would get a quick verbal or physical "correction" from his mates whereas tarot-girl is seen as more feminine when she does this. In any case the reasons why are out of the scope of what we're talking about.

Well my birthday is upcoming.

For most people, this is good news. The opportunity to gather all of your friends in one place to celebrate the completion of another year on Earth is one worth celebrating. The center of attention is on you. People surrounding you and wishing you happy birthday, eating cake, drinking all sounds like a grand time.

This does not work for socially awkward, introverted people.

My birthday is on a Tuesday and I'm trying to plan it on Friday to get more people to show up. Last year, I attempted everybody on Facebook who I friended while in Spain regardless of recent contacts to my birthday (around 40-50 people). I knew a good portion wouldn't show but I figure that I'll cast a wide net and invite everybody I know regardless of my association with them.

Four people showed up.

I was absolutely miserable to the point that I nearly cried when I got back from the pub. I was incredibly embarrassed that so many people committed but didn't show. I would like to attest it to poor planning but it wasn't at all. People got invites well in advance to a pub I (and many of the invited people) frequented and 15-20 people confirmed that they would show. A bit big for myself but tolerable given the occasion. So to have 40% of the people say they're coming and 20% of that list actually arriving was devastating. Hell, one showed just because he had a music gig there earlier. So it was even less than that. Didn't even have the decency to say happy birthday during the show like he did for others that coincidentally had a birthday around my time.

This has thrown me into a bit of a funk regarding my birthday. I simply don't know how to plan one to get people to come. I just figure that I ask people to come or post an event on Facebook and they show or don't show. I strongly contemplated not celebrating my birthday and just letting it pass by without notice but I can't choose to be that miserable. All I'd be doing is complaining about how much my birthday sucks. I'm gonna give it a go but keep my expectations low. That way I won't be miserable if it flames out.

It's just a **** spot to be in. A normal person would at least be able to have a core group to rely on to go with. But people here are so ****ing unreliable that it's disgusting. That's the one thing that kills me about life in Spain. You can't really rely on people here if you are an outsider. Locals have their group and even if you speak their language they are hesitant to mingle with you. Even in China, I had a core and almost nobody speaks English there. Here it's just a loose connection of people.

Man who's reliable these days?

If you don't like being the center of attention, why the hell would you try to throw yourself a big birthday party? I don't like being the center of attention either, and am also socially awkward in most settings. So I rarely go to parties and certainly never host them. I haven't been the center of attention for anything for over 20 years, and I like it that way. Don't try to be something you're not.

Same reason I travel, stay at hostels and go to pubs: to force myself out of my comfort zone to attempt to break through this social anxiety.

Way to push the limits! Social anxiety sucks and forcing yourself to attend events is a great way to slowly chip away at it the issue.

Yeah, that "pushing the limits" really worked great for him last year. Throwing yourself a birthday party just seems wrong to me anyway. It's fine for you to try to put yourself out there and try to meet people, but it doesn't have to be at places or doing activities you don't enjoy. There is nothing wrong with not being a social butterfly.

Birthdays stopped being a big deal for me when I was a kid. Now they come and go and I don't notice them. But if you must do something for your birthday, I'd suggest doing something you really enjoy. For me, it might be playing poker, bowling, seeing a good movie or getting a good workout. It certainly wouldn't be going to some bar and tilting back a few. That's not my scene. I'd approach it by planning a fun activity...and then, once its underway, you can mention its your birthday. But don't make the gathering about your birthday.

Actually, it has improved my social life. I'm not a social butterfly but I'm definitely more socially active now than I was at this time last year. I have taken risks and sometimes they've worked and other times they haven't.

Initially, the idea of throwing myself a party felt kind of awkward. But I learned in my first year here that if you aren't willing to enjoy your birthday, then nobody will. Expats don't remember birthdays here until the day they see it listed on Facebook unless you let people know about it in advance. Nobody is going to throw you a party. I haven't seen a surprise party in Spain since...ever. People already go out and act social. No surprise needed here. Probably skip the birthday cake. Partly due to laziness and also well...that is the only reason why.

The reason I didn't invite people for a specific activity is because it narrows down the list further. Going to a pub is an activity that most people enjoy and is accessible to a larger audience. If I go bowling or something niche like that, the turnout will be almost non-existent.

Too late for that. I did what I did and whatever happens, happens.

It's pretty common among expats here to have things like this going on. It's not a party more than it is a way to bring people together and enjoy each other's company. Some want to celebrate my birthday. Others just use it as an excuse to go out. If people enjoy themselves, then that's enough for me.

Anyway, the turnout isn't going to be big because I want it that way. So far it's 9 other people and it probably won't get much bigger. Maybe a few others come but that's enough for me. I chose a pretty low-key place outside of the city center. I used to go there a few days a week when I worked in the area. Has a good variety of beers and a dinner menu for people interested in eating.

I'm doing this better now. I think part of it is that I have enlarged my social circle compared to this time last year (hence the lack of recent posts). The other is that I'm more active on other social networks than in the past. While I haven't struck gold with friends in terms of closeness and quality like I did in the states, I am extending myself further than before.

Parties here certainly take interesting turns. Initially, I was not pleased with people co-opting it and taking it elsewhere. I mean, I made the choice and despite people there saying that there "wasn't any action" I still wanted it there. However, everything changed too quickly and everybody was on board with the other place. I had been there before and it was a safe bet. So to hell with it. I just went along for the ride.

It was a turn worth making though. I did get drunk to loosen up a bit. Thankfully, I controlled myself better and avoided blacking out by starting late in the night (I didn't drink with dinner or beforehand like some) and drinking water in between some of my drinks. So, I didn't appear physically drunk but my inhibitions were certainly down.

While it was a different me and probably to outsiders a more enjoyable version of me, it wasn't me. It was me plus some alcohol. While people might like me more with just enough alcohol in my system since it appears that my anxiety and some of my autistic features aren't as obvious when intoxicated, I didn't necessarily like it. Perhaps it is acceptable or even expected to get tipsy to fit into a group here. I don't think I should have to though.

It might just be a sign of maturity, but I don't enjoy drunkenness anymore. The after effects are hardly worth the immediate benefits (if there are any) and while I once associated not remembering stuff as indicative of a good time in my early to mid-20s, I now wonder what I did or what happened during that time rather than being proud of myself. I've gone as far enough as to cut it out of my life almost entirely. Now I only drink on special occasions and holidays.

What I have found out is that birthdays are weird occasions here. Birthdays here are more like excuses people use to get together. Sure, some of the people knew who I was and wished me happy birthday. But some of them were people that I met for the first time. They kept up the front of knowing it was my birthday by wishing me a happy birthda, but that was it. Some of them needed to be sent a picture of me so they knew who to wish a happy birthday. It's just kind of weird that the time you meet somebody is at a birthday for them. Other expat communities seem to have the same mindset. When I was teaching English in South Korea, it seemed that there was at least one going away party every weekend among the expat community. But many of the people who went to the gathering didn't know who the person was. They just went there to go there. I always thought that was weird. I wouldn't go to a celebration for somebody if I didn't know them. In expat communities, it seems to be okay.

In short, I had a good time as I was familiar with the place and it wasn't a maddening experience for my senses. It wasn't some huge accomplishment as I did use alcohol as a crutch to get through the party. That said though, I'm not planning to have a party like this again. It's better for the date to go unmarked.