TL;DFR
That reminds me, I watched
Elizabethtown the other night, which is obviously the exact polar opposite of great, but I never realized that, besides mega-sucking as a movie, just how offensively unrealistic this piece of garbage is.
He gets on a plane to Louisville, and seriously, not an exaggeration, he is THE ONLY PASSENGER ON THE PLANE!
But wait! He gets lost driving from the airport to Elizabethtown (like he ends up in Indiana and is soooo frustrated, he's banging the steering wheel and there's a shot from outside the car of it bouncing, that's how ****ty this crap movie is) but when he finally gets there, the WHOLE TOWN has apparently been waiting for him to show up and is out en masse to greet him and point him to the funeral home.
So he gets to the cemetery, and the dude tells him...
"This is your father's plot. And it has been in your family for 272 years."
Wait, WAT? No, it ****ing hasn't! This is Kentucky, mother ****er. Seriously, nobody who read this script took the time to subtract 272 from 2005? Or is he supposed to go back to the Shawnee Indians or some dumb ****? Who cares, **** you!
That all happens in a random six minute stretch, and none even crack the top 5 most unbelievable occurrences in this 2+ hour fart bubble of a film.
Don't even get me started on the whole reason this limp jackass becomes *genuinely* suicidal in the first place is a gigantic athletic shoe conglomerate that is clearly supposed to be Nike lost almost a *BILLION* dollars based on this one 20-something shoe designer's BIG IDEA (they never even say why they had to recall the whole line, called "Spasmodica" btw LOLOLOL nice marketing!, other than Cameron Crowe wanting to RAMP UP the STAKES on Jerry Maguire's crisis), or Susan Sarandon's speech at the wake, or Kirsten Dunst walking out of the hotel after she boned this pathetic turdface, or the ridiculous knife bike suicide plan, or
ESPECIALLY the GIGANTIC and complex scrapbook that she just put together for his ride home, replete with CDs that have a perfectly timed soundtrack to reflect his mood as he tracks down all these scavenger hunt clues which she must have had every contact she knows across the midwest meticulously position for this wet blanket imbecile to find just in time for his next fun road adventure to kick off. Seriously, it's a 42 hour, 11 minute drive (apparently he is not allowed ANY sleep or rest stops that aren't specifically included in the scrapbook CDs) and she has the songs and narration timed down TO THE SECOND!
Oh and if you were wondering whether the guy responsible for lowering the coffin at the funeral might be hilariously blind, and if the crank would malfunction and drop it straight into the grave, and people would be shocked but then laugh because that's how cool they are with grief and loss and the cycle of humanity?
My GOD, this movie. I haven't seen We Bought a Zoo and I vow not to see Aloha just based on that ****ty trailer, but for this movie alone, Cameron Crowe needs to be put in the filmmaker penalty box forever. He's ONLY allowed to consult on soundtracks from now on. No pen to paper, no coming on set, ONLY "Which Traffic song do you think would work best over this montage?" That's it!