Season 5, Episode 9: Do ya think I'm Sexy?
Synopsis: For some strange reason, the neighbourhood women start seeing Al as a hunk, and then the women at the mall. Peg gets peeved, but Al's loving being treated as a sex object.
9/10: OH, I LOVED THIS ONE. I had seen it, but forgotten how damn funny it is. Some great lines, and excellent performances from Al and Peg. Even Marcy gets hot for Al. But poor Al, given a chance to get away from everything, has to do what a man must do. Turn it down, because he's married...with children... Just hilarious.
Dialogue
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Brenda: Hi, I'm Brenda Kostrowski. Peggy, do you mind if I borrow this big, strong guy?
(Al turns to Peggy, smiling like a child.)
Peg: Yeah, okay, uh, just have him back by tomorrow. He has to perform brain surgery in the morning and he has a loafer sale in the afternoon.
Al: Ah, my mother worries so.
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Al: After I moved Brenda's couch, she said I was cute. Oh, Peg, I think she likes me!
Peg: Aww, honey, how could she? Oh, believe me, Al, and I'm telling you this as your wife and as your friend. No one likes you.
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Al: Oh-ho-ho, those poor Al-starved neighborhood women. Hey, if loving me is wrong, they don't wanna be right. [laughs] Pumpkin, can I ask you something? When two people are as beautiful as we are, is it terrible to flaunt what we have?
Kelly: Terrible?? It's an obligation. A duty. I mean, it's like belonging to whoever wins you in a knife fight.
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Peg: I don't know what to do. He's happy, he smells good. He's even making more money at the shoe store. And last night, while I was rifling through his pants to get some of it, I found these: [holds out some tic tacs to show Marcy] Tic Tacs!
(Peggy breaks down. Marcy comforts her.)
Marcy: Well, according to the book I've just read: "Keep Him Down, Keep Him Down, Keep Him Down: A Woman's Guide To Happiness", you don't really have to worry until a man stops buying white underwear. The time to sweat is when men buy underwear in a tube. You know, the bright colored ones that European men use as bathing suits?
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Al: Lovely ladies.
(Marcy giggles girlishly.)
Marcy: [shyly] Hi, Al.
Peg: Shut up! [to Al] What are you doing home in the middle of the day?
Al: Well, I thought I'd freshen up a bit with a shower then go back to work. Oh by the way, [holds up the tube] have you seen my new underwear? Zebra striped!
(He goes upstairs. Marcy watches him.)
Marcy: Uh-huh. He looks just as good going as he does coming.
Peg: Marcy!
Marcy: I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me.
Al [from upstairs]: Peg, you gotta come up and check me out in my new underwear. Oh, you can bring Marcy too.
Marcy: Can we, Peggy, can we???
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Al: I realized that everything I've been doing up until now, the bathing, the brushing, the changing of the socks, being nice to people, trying to succeed... all for nothing. All those things are designed to attract. Why should I be attractive? I'm married with children.