Season 4, episode 23: Yard Sale
Synposis: Al is sick of how much money Peg is spending on junk from yard sales, and decides to make some money back by having one of his own. Lack of interest makes Al creative, and he comes up with 'Bundyland: The Happiest Place on Earth'.
5.0/10: Some good lines, but one of the weaker episodes of this season. Peggy's love tips to Marcy is the highlight.
LASTS: This is the last time we see Peggy smoking on screen, apparently. Shame, it looks sexy on her.
FIRSTS: First time you hear the Bundy credo involving always losing, but never quitting.
Dialogue:
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Al: Peg, why did you buy a boar's head?
Peg: Well, if you must know, it aroused me. Glassy eyes, stuffing for brains, nothing below the neck. Nail it to a toilet bowl, it could be you.
Al: No, it couldn't. 'Cause unlike me, someone loves him enough to put a bullet in his head. I can't live like this. I already got a dog and three leeches.
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Marcy: Peggy, my mistake was looking for a man to love, when all I really needed was a man to hurt. I think I found him. He's perfect!
Peg: Oh-hoh-hoh. Are you gonna have sex with him?
Al: Well, you heard her say she wants to hurt him!
Marcy: Peggy, this is not something I'd admit in front of a man, but I'm a little nervous about this sex thing. It's been a long time. Three months.
(PEGGY LAUGHS)
Peg: I can do three months standing on my head.
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Peg (giving advice to Marcy in front of Al): The most important thing the first few times is to make them feel like they're doing a good job. Even when they're not. You know, I say things like "Hoh. Honey, I wasn't laughing at you, I was just thinking of a joke!" or, "You know when it's the real thing, it only has to take but a minute." Oh, and you should keep a little glass of water by the side of the bed. Sorta sprinkle your brow, they'll really think you're into it. I've gotten a few "Suffer, baby"'s from Al with that one. (SHE AND MARCY LAUGH. AL SINKS INTO THE COUCH) Oh, and then, if you have a free hand, which I always do, you wanna just sorta reach over to the clock and move it forward. It's a good confidence builder. And always practice moaning to cover up your yawns. Y'know, I guess what I'm saying is, you've just gotta leave the man with something!
Al: Peg, you forgot about your best secret move. You know, spitting cracker jacks while you shout instructions? Oh, and the passionate "Remember tomorrow's garbage day" at just that right moment. (TO MARCY) You know, I can't speak for all men but that really turns me into a tiger.
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Kelly: You know, I can't understand why we can't sell of any of this junk.
Al: Well, honey, see, lawn sales are based on the Bigger Idiot Theory. You know, nothing's so dumb that some bigger idiot won't come along and buy, but the uh, the flaw on that theory is that eventually you get to the Head Idiot, and uh, you call her "Mom".
Bud: So, what do we do, Dad? Give up and become Sanford and Son?
Al: No. I'll think of something. Remember the Bundy credo. A Bundy never wins but a Bundy never quits.
Kelly: No, Dad, it's a Bundy never eats.
Bud: No no no, it's a Bundy never learns.
Kelly: Wait, isn't it a Bundy never dies?