the wifey was going to take my last name but as she was filling out paperwork a couple weeks before the wedding, she called me upstairs almost sad saying she wasn't ready to give up her last name yet - so her last name became her middle name and she got to sorta keep it but it isn't hyphenated

As someone who has just recently (a month ago) gotten engaged, this conversation came up last week and she is thinking of keeping her last name as well or hyphenating it. She said come up with a good reason why she should change it, and all I could is the kids thing and tradition which she feels isn't good enough.


My best-friend married a women with two sisters and no one to carry their family name on, so he decided to be nice and use her last name for their kids so her family name could live on. He has 2 girls and another girl on the way, haha.

Even though I know this is sort of a joke, this is an honest option, as you are allowed to do this in California. Los Angeles's super-star Mayor, Antonio Villaraigosa did this with his second wife:

source

Sort of have to agree with the common crowd here. Outside of tradition, there really isn't much good reason to force a woman to change her name. This is a throwback to when women were second-class citizens and slaves to their husbands, so using that argument has a lot of unintended baggage attached to it.

Personally, I'd be glad to change my last name, but that is probably because I have issues with my family.

BTW, when people refer to "carrying on their name," what do they mean exactly? Are they really the very last person on earth with said name, or do they mean the last in their particular branch of the family tree with said last name? If we are talking about option two, this attitude seems fanatically nationalistic to me. What if you looked into what your last name really meant back in the olden days. Would you want to keep it? Say, you were O'xxxxx, which basically means "you were under the ownership of xxxxx," which sounds pretty awful when you think of it.

I did know one person who truly was the last in the world with his last name, but he was gay, so that sort of ends his last name. Actually, he adopted a kid, so there ya go!

Well I'm sure there are other people in the world with my last name, but it's far from common. My dad's dad was the only male child in his family, my dad was the only one in his family and I'm the only male child in mine, so within our branch (or whatever) if I don't give the name to a child it will die with me.

I don't know. I mean I don't consider anyone else who has my last name family (or know of anyone that does aside from my father and me at this point) so it doesn't seem weird at all to not want to carry it on.

With that said, I have no plans to carry it on, and it will pretty much only happen by accident.

My last name isn't very common either, and I feel the same way you do. I have no brothers with my last name (my brother has a different father), so I pretty much end the branch of my last name, though I would almost consider the fact that I'm ending a long line of genetic heritage more of an affront to my ancestors. When you think about it, they had to face off some really tough situations to end up with my particular brand of genetics. If you look at the Lake Toba Disaster theory, then apparently we are all ancestors of some 1,000 available mating pairs, so take that to the bank. Now my ancestors apparently survived the Black Plague, a bunch of super evil animals from the days when there wan't good housing or guns to protect them, WW1 and WW2, etc etc etc. Something tells me they wouldn't care less if my last name ended if they were alive today. They might be more inclined to tell me to **** myself for not honoring their struggle to stay alive because I'd rather look out for my own self-interests over having a farm of kids. Just putting it all in perspective, you know?

As far as her changing her name, I'm with everyone else...it's whatever she wants.

However, call me old-fashioned, but I'd have a hard time getting around any kids (not that we're planning on any) having her last name. Not sure why exactly...I think it's something like it makes a big deal out of something. Like it says more about the parents than the kids themselves. The kids would be forced to always explain their names because they don't conform to the patrilineal nature of our society. Maybe that's okay with you. Maybe you don't care. It's not for me to say. But, growing up is hard enough without having to explain something you can't help.

I don't know...my reaction to this is pretty visceral. I'm not saying it's fair or anything, or that I have any real backing besides tradition. I just wonder if the kid should be allowed to choose what he doesn't conform to.

(this message is written at 12:40 in the morning without much forethought...so forgive me if it's rambling or silly)

I like DaveT's idea of a combo name or made up name and everyone takes it.

Kookie?? WOokdoe?? Wook?

thats a shame

I obviously haven't looked into myself, but if I recall, the law is pretty specific on what you are allowed to do. I think you have to use at least two letters from each person and keep them in order, though not necessarily next to each other, so aa + oo can be aaoo or aoao or oaoa or oaao or stuff like that.

This would suck if each of you had last names like Dor and Don. What are you left with: Dodo?


But then again, maybe you can change your last name entirely then hold off on marriage until she is able to take your name or some odd portmanteau.

Children should take your last name, only for the sake of convenience. I have a couple friends who have handled it this way successfully.

We need Noah Stephens-Davidowitz in here.

My wife decided to keep her name and it hasn't been a problem for us (we've been married 3 years). I thought it would be an issue when handling her immigration status, but it didn't. We don't have kids yet, but we agreed that they will take my name.
But I agree with others that the relationship is more important than the name. If you have to hyphen or combine the names than do it.

I agree her stance on the kid issue makes this a tough spot.

I guess you could try arguing with her logic,

"But K isn't down with having our kids just be Wookies, because then she feels like society won't recognize them as being hers, too."

This is weak. Plenty of Moms have different names than their kids and as far as I know, no one has a problem with society accepting the Mom as the Mom. I have never even really heard of this problem. Are there any examples that she knows of first hand (or otherwise) that have lead her to feel this way.

Gawd.

Its so super standard in America that your kids would be Wookies. Anything else labels them as products of liberal-media-femmisist complex.

If you are cool with that, and you and K Doe might be, then do whatever.

But your kids shouldn't be burdened with that and should just be Wookies imo.

Let the Wookie win.