Okay, I said this was one of my new year's resolutions, so this year I made two, and now I'm going to keep one of them.

Let me say that Armageddon is not as bad as Independence Day, and why I saw Independence Day, I have no idea. Well, I never saw all of Indepence Day, but did see enough to recognize the pernicious ideology at work in it. Perhaps it sounds like I'm daming Armageddon, directed by Michael Bay, with faint praise, and rest assured, I am.

I think it's about an asteroid, Earth, and an impending collison that will make life pretty unbearable for the survivors of the evil asteroid. I forget if anyone can survive or not. Probably not. I wonder, too, why no one ever questions the utility of saving the Earth from this giant asteroid. After all, if it takes a big hunk of rock to unite the world's peoples, then may be we are beyond saving in the first place. But, the film allows no time for this sort of philosophical speculation. Act one awaits.

I'd hestitate to say this movie has any real structure to speak of. In fact, it pretty much dispenses with acts and launches right off into one calamity, which is quickly followed by another. Oh, we do see some astronaut training taking place, but even that basic procedural bit has to have a few explosions (I honestly cannot remember).

Not one thing, except perhaps one, ever goes right in this movie (and that all depends on how you feel about Bruce Willis). How these people ever do anything is beyond me. Even the most innocuous setting holds danger for all. (I kept waiting for Billy Bob Thornton's character to keel over from cardiac arrest--or boredom.)

Well, all is well that ends well. The Earth is saved. Bruce Willis is dead. The people of Earth get all misty-eyed and thankful. Unfortunately, Liv Tyler lives, perhaps to act again another day.

I did, though, enjoy the performace of the crazy Russian cosmonaut, even the, by then, tired joke about Star Wars.

Several spelling errors ITT. Shocking.

I like your review, JC. I think it is a little too deep for a Michael Bay film, though. If you watch anything he makes with the intent to analyse, you will remove from it any opportunity for fun. Which may not be the kind of film experience you're looking for, but if that's so I'd recommend not watching his stuff in the first place. It's wretched but sometimes so flashy and quick that you can be tricked into going along for the ride.

Very interested to hear more about your thoughts on Independence Day.

So DB's constant raves for horrible Bruce Willis movies finally got under your skin?

That is so awesome! I'm going to start praising Petticoat Junction to the skies until you are convinced to take another look.

I didn't know Bruce Willis died in that flick. I thought a movie with a name like Armageddon couldn't possibly have a happy ending.

Here is my review:

Stuff blows up on a regular basis. At least one strip club included. These elements keep the men watching happy.

Girl loves boy. Boy leaves girl. Girls father dies. Girl and boy reunite with father's blessing. All the women cry and need hugs from the men. This, once again, makes the men happy.

It's a happy movie!

One of very few movies that makes me cry.

Busto,

These are typing errors, due to the haste in writing this. Had I taken my time, I never would have been able to complete the task.

Damn; I was hoping the real Armageddon had occurred; the Lounge was in a time bubble and I was going to read a Kick-Ass review about the end of the world before the time bubble collapsed and we all got swept into the devil's bottom hole. Instead, I was deceived in a most cowardly manner and treated to an insipid review about some lackluster action movie, populated with lame talent, and apparently directed by Goofy and produced by Donald Duck. John may have, on paper, fulfilled his New Year’s resolution but in spirit he waddled through the writing, producing a mushy, bland bowl of oatmeal review that sticks in the throat. This will not stand.

-Zeno

Zeno, I suggest you fight back by posting a review of Twilight.

Zeno,

I agree, and I will not try to defend myself, except to say that the film itself should serve as the vehicle for inspiration. If I decide to watch it again with the commentary, I may have another go at it. (Do not count on it though.)

Blarg,

Them's fighting words.

fyp

When I saw the title of this thread I was like OMGOMGOMG and I couldn't wait to read it.

Unfortunately, I was disappointed. You phoned it in, John!

Critics! Maybe I shouldn't have waited four months between viewing and reviewing?

I was hoping for a Kermode-like rant tbh, but not one mention of American Imperialist running dogs.

So, did you like it anyway, JC?