CLIFFNOTES: I am a depressed loser who lost it all playing poker, stole from my parents and now I have to go to school like a schnook.

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I guess I'm known around here for making stupid MSpaints all day and I think I come across as a pretty happy go luck kind of guy. But I really can't take it anymore. I tried to hide my real persona from this forum but it is becoming too difficult as I can feel my struggles weighing me down like a burlap sack full of potatoes.

Like most people here I dreamed of making it big in poker. To win millions just by sitting at my computer. To be talked about in NVG even if it was just threads about people saying I sucked or wondering if I was gay because I wore eye makeup on Poker After Dark.

So I practiced for a few months in play money and when I ran my $1000 all the way up to $7500 I decided it was time to deposit. I put $50 on Full Tilt and grinded up the limits until I had $3,500. I even sat in a game once with Phil Ivey but after I posted my blind and he raised me I got scared and left. That mistake cost me about a third of my bankroll, but it taught me to never fear another player if I want to be the best.

After a couple years I had gotten all the way up to $14,000. I felt like I was on top of the world, so I told my mother I was quitting school to play full time. She was crushed and my dad was disappointed in me, but I bought them a Netflix subscription and then they realized that poker can bring them all things they desire in life.

Things were going great until a few weeks ago. I felt like I was ready to face Ivey again so I put my whole bankroll down and wrote in the text box "Your wife is kinda ugly" and "I remember when you had a snaggletooth" so that he'd get tilted. But I think it just made him play better because after 5 hands I was broke. I was devastated and cried for 2 days in my room.

I needed money to deposit online so I started selling the movies from our Netflix to some middle school kids that live nearby. Unfortunately it turns out Netflix only lets you have 3 movies out at once so I only made $25 this way. Then I started stealing things from my parents and selling them. I got about $500 from my mom's jewelry. I even sold the TV remote for $4. I tried to return groceries to the supermarket but they wouldn't let me do it without a receipt.

All in all I made about $600 and I deposited it all online. I ran it up to $4,000 in a matter of days! But of course I got carried away and lost it all. Story of my life...

So last week my parents confronted me about the stolen goods. They seemed most pissed that they couldn't get any new Netflix movies. My dad said if I didn't go back to school and get a job he would kick me out to the street. He's such an *******!

I enrolled in community college but I hate it. I should be sitting with Durr and Phil Helmuth playing poker instead I am sitting with some Dominicans learning 9th grade math.

I am so depressed. After school I just go into my room and lie on my bed. I don't eat dinner, I just lie there thinking about how much I ruined my life. What is there to live for? I am such a loser. My head hurts so much from the pressure that it takes me hours to fall asleep. When I wake up in the morning and the alarm gives out a warning I don't think I'll ever make it on time. By the time I grab my books and I give myself a look I'm at the corner just in time to see the bus fly by. It's alright 'cause I'm saved by the bell. What can I do BBV4L? I don't want to stay in school but it's probably better than being homeless.

Thanks for reading my miserable story.

try hitting the fourth wall (so it breaks, LDO)
also need some racially diverse friends and a complicated plan imo

I was going to post tl;dr, but that plan came to a Screeching halt once I got into your story. A++.

tl;dr

Made me laugh. Good read so far. Immago back to reading now.

I laughed, I cried... stop looking into the past as it is just a bottomless pit of memories... stop looking into the future as if it will offer you something and you will then be happy... these things are causing you to miss what is happening right now, and right now is the only thing that matters. feel every moment, feel everything, and keep your chin up sir.

"CLIFFNOTES: I am a depressed loser who lost it all playing poker, stole from my parents
"


mh sounds like a person i know

SavedByTheBellRollaments

Slightly sounds like one of my friends too.

We all go through things like this. I've never resorted to stealing and never went busto in poker to the point of depression, but I've been depressed before.

lol

Move up in limits to where they respect your raises.

Oh, wait, nevermind.

this was funnier when I read it as "chins"

you should sell drugs imo

tisk tisk, kids these days..

A++++++

phil ivey is a meany face

my story has similarities to this.
A+

MSpaint your life imo

A+

ive never seen the 583/1167 blind structure before

wats that tables name?

this graph reminds me of sbp : (

$3,500 is an estimate obviously it fluctuated around that time. Don't give me a hard time, you can ask Phil Ivey about it if you want.

looks strangely phallic