"i'm going to make you forget all about your dad dieing last night" i smoothly say as i carefully pop off the buttons to my breakaways. she bashfully smiles out of the corner of her mouth and looks upward at me as she kneels on my bed with her head down, looking vulnerable. i can feel the tension in the room building as i open the top drawer of my dresser and extract some of the finest oils money can buy. pouring a generous amount into my hand i slowly lube up the washboard bombstack 8pack. i'm so hard. I gently kick croc's off my feet and kneel down to line them up perfectly against my dresser and advance towards the new tempurpedic mattress my new chick is relaxin on.
before reaching the bed i catch my custom EFX darth vader mask out of the corner of my eye. "yes!!!" i say to myself as I walk over to my desk and gingerly lift the mask with both hands. Raising it high above my head i slowly place it over the dome and and turn towards her. breathing heavy i see her eyes widen as her confusion and anxiety begins to grow. "I AM YOUR FATHER" i exclaim to her.
Looking back at me appalled she lets out an audible gasp as she motions to get off the bed. in a hurry I take off the mask and hold her hand. Looking deep into her eyes I say, "you dad is dead. i am woebegone" Empathizing with her for a moment she begins to make herself comfortable on the bed again. Breathing a sigh of relief i go for the remote and turn on my coldplay/jack johnson mix to set the mood as I begin to massage myself with my oils. Finally feeling slippery enough to lay some pipe I join her on the bed and begin to whisper sweet nothings in her ear.
Suddenly I hear the garbage cans outside crash to the ground. Glancing over at the window I shake it off as I revert back to foreplay mode. i start grinding on her leg like a cracked out jack rabbit i know she's lovin it. just when I get into a sick rhythm i hear the loud clangor from the trashcans again and the noise is beginning to throw off my mojo swagger. Angrily i walk over and peer out of the window to see the disturbance...seeing nothing but the garbage cans roll along the ground I assume the raccoons are back. They've been a problem in the past and I'll be damned if they're gonna stop me from bustin off this dimebag. Sliding the window open I yell out, "HEY YOU DAMN COONS! GET THE **** OUTTA MY TRASHCANS!!!"
Before I can close the window I hear someone yell back from outside, "N**** WHAT THA F***!?!?".
Suddenly everything stands still for a moment. I'm paralzyed and can feel my stomach drop as I see two of the local black gangbangers emerge from the darkness as they walk towards the street light. At this time of night i can only assume they were hurling their 40 oz's of malt liqour at my once prestine garbage cans and getting high off their dirty coke pipes. I always see them hanging around, discarding their old coke bongs and drug paraphanilia near our apartments; i know they're commonly strapped with gats so i don't start beef.
"WHAT THA F*** YOU CALL ME?!?!" he screams at me, quickly advancing towards my house.
Ducking down as fast as i can i hastily reach up and slide the window shut while keeping my head out of sight.
"oh f***." i say to myself as i begin to think of my next move.
"call the police!" i hear the dime breezie yell to me across the room, with a look of terror in her eyes.
Whipping my head across the room we lock eyes, with an angered and bewildered face i look back at her and exclaim, "WHAT?! and be a f****** rat? You saw what happened to Wallace!! You talk to the fuzz and you get got!"
"No!" i say to myself as i get to my feet and begin to pace the room.
Without warning I hear booming pounds against my front door. "OPEN THE F*** UP!" i hear their slightly muffled shouts come through the door. As they continue to pound on the door I can feel my heart racing as I see the door pulse in and out as they continue to hammer against it.
"stay here!" i say to my woman, as she sits completely upright on the bed with the covers wrapped tightly around her, frozen in fear.
I make my way over to my closet and begin rummaging through my old clothes. "where is it?!?" i say to myself as I continue to tear through every piece of clothing i own. Towards the bottom of my closet I see it, folded neatly with it's replica badge gleaming upwards at me. My old hot cop costume from a few years back, got some amazing tang from it if i remember correctly...which i do. Sliding my short blue shorts over my Under Armour compression gear and buttoning up my slim fit button-down i take a look at myself in the mirror and fix the badge so it's sitting upright. Losing myself for a minute as I admire the sheer perfection in the mirror i am thoroughly aroused at how truly amazing i look. the dark blue uniform against my tanned, oiled skin is a fantastic combination anyone would be blessed to have. Hearing another booming rapt against the door i can hear the sides starting to splinter off.
With little time to waste I quietly slide my window open and jump down two stories into my backyard. Landing like a sexy jaguar I hardly make a sound. Sprinting around the house to the front door I collect myself before i confront the bangers. Stepping from around the corner of the house i breath in deep and pump out my 54'' chest. confidently bringing my hands to my hips I say in the deepest voice i can muster, "What seems to be the problem here?"
The story is an excellent dark comedy with a stark social commentary. The major underlying theme is the breakdown of the family unit and how different racial groups cope with the consequences. The narcissistic Caucasian protagonist spends his time pursuing meaningless sex with a transvestite behind the safety of his door, while the African Americans prefer to consume harmful intoxicants outside. Parents are notably absent from both groups. The two groups clash as a result of a misunderstanding that presumably leads to the brutal rape of the protagonist. It is also worthwhile to point out that authority figures (the police and a father figure in the form of Darth Vader) are ridiculed and portrayed as powerless.
The story is an excellent dark comedy with a stark social commentary. The major underlying theme is the breakdown of the family unit and how different racial groups cope with the consequences. The narcissistic Caucasian protagonist spends his time pursuing meaningless sex with a transvestite behind the safety of his door, while the African Americans prefer to consume harmful intoxicants outside. Parents are notably absent from both groups. The two groups clash as a result of a misunderstanding that presumably leads to the brutal rape of the protagonist. It is also worthwhile to point out that authority figures (the police and a father figure in the form of Darth Vader) are ridiculed and portrayed as powerless.
Two Plus Two
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