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Old 12-09-2008, 11:37 PM   #1
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Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

One hypothesis about the universe is that it is infinite. In an infinite universe, any possibilities are possible. Nothing can truly be considered impossible. College is the same way. On a typical night out, very improbable and completely ridiculous things will happen; the average college freshman will give a scratch of the head and a “wow, what are the chances of that?” As time passes, these seemingly impossible encounters and situations will become more normal and natural. In this story, which took place over a single night, so many wild things happened that even I had to question if I was hallucinating them. Welcome to the American college campus; anything is possible.

It's another typical friday night. Karl and I head out to try to get some pussy. We have plans to hit up a random house party. We'd been to the house last year; all I really remembered about it was that it was completely out of control. I'm pretty pumped for it. I had gone out earlier and bought some new clothes, worked out that evening, and grinded a bunch of hands well. We're walking to the party, pausing only occasionally to crack open new beers, when I see something staked into the ground in the distance. Walking up, there's a sign that says “FREE RACCOON” and a dead raccoon laying in the grass by the street. For being roadkill it looks pretty clean and blood-free. Still, it's ****in gross.

We get to the party far too early. It's only 10:30 and it's real dead. We go camp the bar for a few minutes until it starts to fill up. A few more shots and a couple bull**** conversations later, there are definitely more people and a few good looking girls. Still, real lacking.

I have this game I play when parties are real terrible. I try to find the most socially awkward guy at the party, act like I want to be his friend, convince him that a specific girl is giving him the “**** me” look, and then score with said girl right in front of his face. The thought of crushing the hopes of douchbags and posers is what really gets my adrenaline flowing.

I spot this complete toolbag leaning against the wall, sipping on his light beer. One look at this retard and I knew that I HAD to **** with him. He was wearing a mandana, wife beater, and a gold chain with an engraved dogtag of Tupac's face.

Me- “What's a cool guy like you doing at a party like this?”

He's excited that I approached him, obviously i'm the first person to talk to him tonight.

Wannabe K-Fed -“Man, man, just gotta play the game you know? so many hotties up in hurr”

There are a few girls on the dance floor, mostly ugly, i look back at him.

Me- “yeah man, real prime. Listen- as i've been talking to you, i've been using my peripherals to note that homegirl is checkin you out.”

“Really?” his voice cracks slightly, but I pretend not to notice. “What homegirl? The one in the blue shirt?”

Me- “Yeah bro, this is your chance. You really should just go over there, flex to assert your dominance, and grind that pussy into the ground. Yer in man. Yer in that pussy.”

K-fed lets out an audible gasp, as if this is the girl he's been wanting to bang his entire life. I wish him luck and head back to the bar to grab another drink. The bartender is visibly ****ed up at this point and locks eyes with me as he's pouring me a mixed drink. The result is the strongest rum+coke i've ever had. Much more rum than coke.

I hide in the shadows and watch K-fed approach the girl. She starts dancing with him and then does a double-take. I watch her pull away from his grasp for a second, and then consents and starts dancing with him. I head out on the dance floor and start dancing with a girl next to her, making sure that K-fed's girl sees me. I catch her eye and we maintain contact just long enough for it to be uncomfortable. She looks away.

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Old 12-09-2008, 11:38 PM   #2
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:38 PM   #3
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

I wait by the bar until I see K-fed stop dancing with her and then move to a place where she can see me standing. She moves off the dance floor and starts to gravitate towards me, as if drawn to my masculinity and impressive presence. I notice her rubbing her legs together almost imperceptibly as she looks me up and down, bathing in the excellence I exude at all times. I'm letting her think that she'll get more than clitoral stimulation from me later; she thinks that if she plays her cards right, i'll let her have the whole sausage. I walk up to her, being careful not to saunter and allow an awkward moment to pass. Turning slowly, I pull my best pick-up-line.

“So... I really don't appreciate you staring at my ass.”

Confused, she lets out a small laugh. Without missing a beat, I ask her if she would like to dance. Before she can answer, I grab her hand and pull her out onto the floor.

Here's a tip for all you guys who try so hard: STOP TRYING.
The pickup set I used here is very simple and only requires a bit of confidence. If you see her checking you out, she obviously wants to get to know you better. There is no better way to get to know a girl then by grinding your pelvis into her ass while Lil Wayne whines about getting his dick sucked.

Anyways, so i'm dancing with this slut right about the time the wannabe K-fed comes back from the bar, clutching his light beer. He looks up at me, standing on the stage, grinding my dick into his “girl.” Without breaking eye contact with me, he takes a slow sip of his beer, clearly trying to intimidate me. I took take any intimidation from people. Making a crude sexual gesture, I gesture to her and then give him the finger. He turns his back and walks away. Game, set, match. The party is real filled up by now too. Chances are I won't run into him again tonight.

Last edited by dirtbag88 2.0; 12-09-2008 at 11:57 PM.
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:41 PM   #4
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

more coming later...

FWIW this story is 100% true.
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:44 PM   #5
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

are you serious?
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:45 PM   #6
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

pics of girl? and K Fed?
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:47 PM   #7
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

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pics of girl? and K Fed?
Once again, this story will be in installments. Pics will be posted- you have my word.
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:49 PM   #8
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

tl;dr

[ ] saw a dead raccoon
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:53 PM   #9
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

what about your girlfriend
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:56 PM   #10
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

Random house parties with bartenders and bars are pretty common I have to say. I think statistically 11 out of 13.6 house parties have bars, and of those, 3 standard deviations on either side of the mean involve them having bartenders as well!
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:58 PM   #11
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

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Random house parties with bartenders and bars are pretty common I have to say. I think statistically 11 out of 13.6 house parties have bars, and of those, 3 standard deviations on either side of the mean involve them having bartenders as well!
Obv it's not a real bar with a real bartender. It's some dude pouring drinks behind a counter out of plastic bottle jugs of $7.99 vodka.
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Old 12-09-2008, 11:59 PM   #12
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

Drink some more, try to find karl. Find him stumbling down the stairs “**** IT DUDE, WORST NIGHT EVER, DON'T ASK ME ABOUT IT, LET'S KEEP DRINKING”

Three more rounds of shots, double shots each time.

While most people start slurring words when they drink tough, for the most part I can express myself coherently. There's a line that gets passed; one shot can be the difference between coherent and belligerent. Another shot past that and i'm always blacked out.

Immediately after doing the shots, I turn around to see K- Fed and Brooke talking. K-fed is clearly drunk and is frantically trying to make a comeback and win her vagina,. I'm not about to let that happen. Walking up real casually I throw my arm around Brooke.
Me- “So do you want to go somewhere quieter to talk?”
Brooke- “Yeah, i'd really like that” (obviously trying to get away from this scumbag)
We start walking away. At this point, K-fed knows what up. He recognizes that there can only be one king of the **** and it's me tonight. A hint of desperation in his voice, he calls out “where are you going buddy?” Brooke whispers “do you know that guy?” I respond “no”, but still feel slightly bad for the loser.

He walks over to us, breaks out into a wide grin, looks at Brooke and says “Have you ever had sex with two guys at once before?” Without missing a beat I shove him as hard as possible and he falls to the ground, his white wifebeater becoming tainted by the mixture of dirt and beer covering the linoleum. He pulls himself up and screams “**** YOU” at me, spittle and beer dribbling down his pockmarked chin. Turning, he tries to run off through the crowd, but someone trips him and he falls hard again, hitting his forehead on the edge of the stage. He gets up again, but more slowly this time. His green mandana lies on the ground, forgotten and soaked in beer. At this point it's probably about that time to make my exit. I turn to Brooke, tell her that i'll catch up with her later, and head back into the crowd to find Karl.
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Old 12-10-2008, 12:03 AM   #13
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

lol loving the dirtbag tr as I always do, looking forward to future installments

5 star
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Old 12-10-2008, 12:07 AM   #14
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

OP has a girlfriend?
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Old 12-10-2008, 12:08 AM   #15
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Re: Dead Raccoons, Mandanas, and Broken Glass: A TR of the Craziest Night EVER (pics)

dirtbag you passed up pussy for a bro. Your brolove is strong, my dear hero.
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