I don't wanna get into all the nitty gritty... basically some old warrants from 4 years ago that I thought were resolved weren't. Spent <24hrs in county jail recently. I am a mess, but in plain clothes. Since I was going to post bail, it was not required to rock the jumpsuit or go sit in a cell. I basically sat in intake for 7-8 hours and watched the endless ESPN coverage of Michael Vick.

I hadn't actually ever been to jail before although I had been arrested before. It was much less awful than I expected. The first thing I was asked--even before my name and anything--was whether I wanted some breakfast. The two CO's I dealt with principally were very cool. I couldn't make the jail collect-call to a cell phone (which I needed to do) so they let me use their desk phone. I didn't eat breakfast and I fell asleep a lot on the chairs I was sitting on (I was exhausted, again long story) and a couple times they had to wake me up to get fingerprints, give me my prisoner ID band, etc.

The other inmates were pretty cool. One dude asked what I was there for (Misdemeanor A, CPCS 7th Degree) and then told me "Don't take the six-three, just tell them you'll do your time." (The "six-three" is six months in jail, three years probation... apparently 8 months in jail and no probation is the alternative, which does seem much better). Nobody really said much to me despite the fact that I was clearly the new guy. The same dude told me "Remember, when people in here talk sh*t, it's just that: talking sh*t. Don't get yourself into any trouble in here, it'll just keep you here longer. Just let people talk and mind your own business, you'll be fine." This was pretty reassuring even though I wasn't gonna be there long. I appreciated it.

Lunch was pretty gross. The CO's ate pizza covered in toppings with ice-cold 20oz bottles of pepsi. I would've been angry/jealous except that they were so much cooler to me than I expected. Maybe they're so used to dealing with problematic people that a quiet, polite and falling-asleep 24 year old is a welcome break, whatever. I almost asked them for a slice, but thought better of it. Rather not push my luck. I got a paper bag with a kiddie-sized milk carton, a bag of some sort of indeterminate variety of potato chips and 2 sandwiches/2 cookies. The sandwiches were brown bread with 2 slices of american cheese in between them. They looked pretty nasty so I made a friend and gave them to some other dude who was hungry. The potato chips were gross, I ate one and then threw the rest out. I drank the milk.

When I got released (I got bailed out lol) it was pretty sweet. They really just buzz a door open and you walk out into the parking lot. If I had just finished a sentence or something, like I could've just wandered off (if nobody was picking me up).

A lot of the inmates were "regulars". Two different people who got brought into the intake area were greeted by genuinely warm "hey, Ray!" or "hey Lisa!" responses from the CO's.

So I didn't do any hard time. I didn't even spend the night (the night before I had spent handcuffed to a metal pipe in a police station... THAT sucked and those phony-ass university cops were a-holes about the whole ordeal) but I figured it was worth mentioning. I don't feel any more badass or cool, but it was an experience at any rate.

CPCS = criminal pos of controled sub?

yea, mushrooms from back in the college days.

nice tr...

i don't know how to react to posts like this

lol

You know, minimum-security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is: kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Then everything will be all right.

So wait, you're going to have to spend 6-8 months in jail, or did I misunderstand what you were saying about the inmate advice?

I think you missed the part where he gave some dude his lunch.

I doubt I'll have to spend any time in jail. First/only offense, 4 years ago, got a lawyer, done some other stuff to make it better, etc. It's possible but unlikely. He probably assumed I was a habitual criminal, or maybe a habitually-caught criminal.

Honestly, compared to what I thought it would be like (awful rape-fest and/or sea of gang violence) it was so much better that it was almost not unpleasant. It sucked, but it was infinitely less awful than I imagined.

Anybody try to start [censored] with you?

Pretty sweet TR, just remember watch your corn hole.

Nah. One or two people asked me what I was there for (since they were in jumpsuits and I was in plain clothes) and I just said "some old sh*t, old warrants" and tried to act normal, lol. I would've made better conversation except I hadn't slept in a while except chained to a pipe, so I was pretty exhausted. I dozed off for at least 2 of the 8 hours I was there.

Did you see any fights or rapings?

nah lol. one guy cursed out a guard for cuffing his hands too tightly, other than that no real drama.

Did you get a prison tattoo? (swastika on your forehead or naked girl on your back)

Did you learn how to make prison hooch from bread and raisins?

Did you give a guard a BJ for "special treatment?"

Biggest dude you saw?

Could you take him in a prison rules fight?

If not what percentage of the guys in jail that you saw could you take?

I am going to get another tattoo, but hopefully I won't be in jail for it. I wish I had booze while I was in there, it would've gone by a lot quicker. Didn't really deal with guards except for the intake questions/fingerprinting/etc.

Randomly, in addition to the "do you have TB, cancer, etc" questions they ask you, they ask "do you feel like you have anything to look forward to in your life?" At the time I didn't think so, but (correctly) lied and said yes. I bet answering "no" to that question lands you in a padded room lol.

did none of the inmates ask you to come visit them and bring stuff? (phones/veils/bombs)

Man, you got lucky with the food and phone call thing. Like really lucky.

I dunno. They have to feed you. They didn't have to let me use the phone, but I was polite and cooperative and calm and they knew I needed to use the phone to make bail, to get me out of their hair. They let some other guy use the phone too.

I mean, it sounds like you got enough food and at reasonable hours. I got a carton of milk and some [censored] cereal at 5 am and then "lunch" at 10 am was half a smashed peanut butter sandwich (not even jelly).

Also, they didn't hold you 4.5 extra hours after your bail was posted. The phone thing is really a plus because I didn't know any home phone numbers by heart except my own.

lol, my jail food pwns your jail food

edit: it took a while for them to "process" my bail, but not more than an hour. by that time I didn't care anyway and just wanted to get someplace where I could sleep.

Prolly not a padded room, but they may have taken shoelaces, belt, etc.