MOOOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRREEEEEE

Ok, so this morning the COO (Who I actually like) calls me into his office and asks me what this lunch thing was about.

Uh Oh...thought I. The Jig is up. So I explained how it was a teambuilding lunch and I wanted to thank everyone for their hard work, hand out some checks, and address a few action Items (This would make it a "working lunch"). I was ready for the hammer to drop when...

"EXCELLENT IDEA!....Hey, why don't you open this up to everyone in the group...can you do that? Do you have time to get more food?"

That, I did.

So, I called up the caterers. Basically they offer 7 dishes...including my bosses' favorite, their chicken cordon bleu. I ordered everything but the chicken. Ooops.

Had to throw in some more cakes, but I was willing to make that sacrifice.

So, lunch now went from about 15 people to 75+, and word is spreading throughout the company about the free food. The conference room we had it in holds about 100, and it was packed.

The room has a couple of large TV screens and projectors for video conferencing, and skype-like teleconference capabilities. Yeah, you see where this is going.

First, the side bet. I had the over on 15 minutes of whining and at least 8 complaints that his precious chicken was not ordered. Man, was that a layup. Complaint time was at least 40 minutes, and we have 27 unique complaints reported or directly overheard...

"Man, I can't believe they didn't order the chicken!"
"Wow..we go to this place and no chicken??"
"Who ordered this...why didn't they get the chicken?"
"How do you get from this place and not get the chicken?"
"Have you ever had their chicken cordon bleu? It's amazing"
"Has anyone seen the Chicken?"

etc... It was like I kicked his dog or something. Honest mistake. We All Make em.

"Who ordered Carrot Cake???"

Sorry, had to throw in one more.

Soooo....

After everyone has had a chance to get some food and mingle, I call all attention to the front. I hand out checks to my guys, saying nice words about each one...sharing personal anecdotes of hard work...setting the stage...

COO gets up says a few words, comes back and I say to him...."you know..I have not gotten my bonus check yet...I guess <my boss> is planning on doing it here?" COO is surprised I have not gotten it yet, as most management team received theirs last week...

COO then goes to my boss, I see his face turn a bit red, and he walks out of room.

...To go get my check...

While he is gone, I make an announcement about some project as an excuse to turn on the VTC software...

And my boss comes back, and he does not realize we are now on the screens...

He comes over with the check in hand to slip it to me on the DL and I stop and say "Joe (not his real name)...What do you have there..

"Oh, it's uh, a thank you...from the company...." he mumbles..

Me: "Everyone please...Joe wants to say a few words to everyone here...."

Joe: "I want to umm...thank you all for...ummm...the show of...coming together...it is great to have everyone here...."

I point to the envelope that he is trying to hide....

Joe: "It is dedication...to ..."

Me: "Joe, what's that in your hand?"

Joe: "KingFish (not my real name), I wanted to...THANK...you...for...dedication... and you..."

Me: Hold on a second joe..we are having AV problems... (flip on speakers, put a lav on him)...ok there we go...better?

Joe: (glaring at me): Just want to present this to you as a token of our...appreciation...for your hard work, dedication....yatta yatta"

Me: (accepting) "Awe man this is great...but don't these usually come with a plaque? (They don't...I was just making a bad joke, but to my surprise he says...)

Joe: Yes, yes of course...it was not ready in time for today. (And i almost burst out laughing...****er has no clue)...but we will have it to your shortly...in the meantime I hope the check is enough...

I shake his hand and say...

"Joe, thank you..this means a lot that you recognize what me and my team do for you. Since you have come here, it has been a difficult transition for us all, and I am glad we have been able to get you through this year.

I wish I could say to you all the kind words you just said about me and my team...."

And there is awkward silence, and I sit down and leave him to stammer a bit.

He leaves right after his speech. Was hoping he'd pull a "Naked gun" with the lav mike, but he did turn it off right away (I admit that was part of my plan...that he forgets about mike...oh well...can't win them all.)

2 hours later his EA calls me and asks what they should put on my plaque (evidently he tasked her with getting one made and said to call me to find out what to put on it.) I burst out laughing...she makes fun of him..I tell her I'll get back to her.

---

COO calls me a bit later asks me what this deal is about a plaque...? I say I have no idea...I said it as a joke and Joe says he already had one getting made...COO says "Oh jesus f christ, KingFish...what are you doing to the guy..and I say you know I am not reporting to him anymore, right?

COO sighs and says ok ok...we'll take you out from under him...just try to be civil, okay? Apparently Joe spent the afternoon trying to get the ok to fire me.

I then ask him how the **** they can hire a guy like that blah blah blah...

I have a meeting for Wednesday with senior mgmt to go over the "restructuring" and see where I fall. I'll update when I find out more.

Anyway this **** is way too long...sorry I probably just killed this thread, but I am too tired and a little bit buzzed and just don't feel like going back to make it more entertaining or readable. Will just promise to try to do a better job on next update.

Hope this wasn't too much of a disappointment...didn't mean to build it up so much...probably more fun being there then reading about it.

Heh, it was great! Can I produce the movie version?

Yeah that was awesome. Don't think you killed anything.

I drove 90 minutes to two hours each way. Soul sucking. Handled it about 18 months. Nobody in office cared how long my commute was. They saw me as guy who was always late even though I left house way before them. I sucked at my job and became a bitter person all around.

Hold the ****ing phone, your real name is not King Fish?!? ****

As long as you get Carrot Top to play me.

So your boss failed at getting you fired, had to praise you in front of 75 people, is getting a plaque made in your honor, AND he didn't get to eat his favorite chicken?

Wow.. you're good.

dude, that was not a let down at all, you coulda made it even longer... love it

This is the single greatest thread I've ever read on 2+2.

Thanks for documenting your spiral into insanity.

It's interesting how much **** you can actually get away with when you don't give a **** and you're necessary.

A+ thread keep the updates coming Kingfish!

Not that good. Don't think I'm getting the plaque.

Oh, they'll probably fire me eventually. They just can't for a little while because of certain projects I am working on.

Every time I read your posts, I imagine your boss is like him:

so complicate the hell out of these projects so they'll drag on for as long as possible gogogogo! also get a raise while doing so.

Just spent the last hour reading this .. I love it.. It's Epic

late term abortion imo

The plaque... Hahaha.

This is expert-level work right here.

Keep it going king fish and start thinking of developing a screen play for this.

I am thinking of something like "kill the boss" in a more subtile non-violent mind**** manner.

This would have been my favorite thread ever if u had that recorded. Instead its just... five stars. Lol epic tr

This thread has everything lol look at what you have launched KF.

your an idiot

Hahahaa, great read! King Fish

lol you just owned joe.