Preamble
I tried writing an intro but it didn’t work and I need to get this out so if you don’t like misspellings then **** you. Long story short, I am lost in life but fortunate to not be hungry, that’s really all the intro you need. I prefer these to be “stream of consciousness” to I am not going to re-read, edit or plan this. I am just going to **** out my jaded recollection of what happened to me out there.
Day 1 - Thursday Solo Pregame
So everybody is going to vegas on Friday to celebrate the retirement of a dick. I jump on the chance to go to one of my favorite places on earth and book a one way out on Thursday so I can get enough degen out of me that I can partake in being a part of the retirement ceremony as opposed to just chasing my own dragons. I also recruit my favorite friend of the group to stay Sunday and leave Monday because we both can and I want to degen with just the two of us. So I land in the city of truth and am already legally drunk. I am staying at Paris and go to check in. As I noted I am a degenerate **** so they reward me with a special room to go check in called a diamond check in lounge. The biggest difference is the people in there are genuinely nice and want to help you, unlike the cattle line out in gen-pop where you just get beaten down every time you raise your hand. I have a normal handler that takes care of me but she prints money for Cesar’s so they give me a new girl. When I check in I am forced to talk to this new handler at the check in counter and it made me feel awkward.
I finished that whole ordeal and get checked in and it is only noon so I have a lot of runway and decide to do the responsible thing and play pai gow. I like this game because I can get really **** faced, tip enough to be taken care of, and not lose my money too fast. So I do this for a couple hours and am up enough and drunk enough that the high limit room sounds like a ****ing siren that cannot be ignored. So I go and start playing 100/hand on two spots. That goes ok for a while and then all of a sudden they bring a horrible dealer and it upsets me. So I start playing 1 hand at 500. That gets me down to my last 1500 which I just push into that little circle and get a 10 vs a 6. I double down with the serendipitous 1500 of case money in my pocket and get dealt pain.
Now that I am here in vegas and lost all my money in the first couple hours before my friends show up I run to my room, write a check for another 5 dimes and run to the cab line. I get the money from the bank, which was an ordeal in itself as I was pretty drunk, and make a responsible decision to just get high af and stop beginning.
So I go to the dispensary, buy the weed (**** the pretentious weed “barista” braod btw) and go back to my room and smoke/drink until I wake up.
Day 2 – Friday time to meet the cock retirement party
I wake up feeling half alive and start my normal vegas routine. I order eggs benedict and coffee with 2 shots of baileys. By the time I am done with that it’s around 3 in the afternoon, I have already told housekeeping to **** off and my friends are arriving sporadically in vegas. I am supposed to meet them at Cesar’s pool (even though we are all staying at Paris, I did not get to plan this obv) so I head down to beat the days dick off and catch a cab. I finally make it to the pool and everyone has been there for hours while I have been sleeping last night off. They are properly lubricated and I am not so I decide it’s time to start hammering $8 beers and vent my frustration with the ****ty planning. That went well and eventually I just started chilling my bros as these are my best friends from grade school / high school and we just have a good time until its time to leave, which I think was around 7pm. We go back to the hotel, we all eat randomly and the retiree decides he wants to go to old Vegas, fml. So we go, we gamble, we all get pretty hammered. At this point I am starting to struggle forming words and am 2k into a craps game and trying to teach my friends how to play craps. The spidey sense goes off that I have to leave and I manage to form the words “strup crub” and I get two takers. We go outside and get put in a “free limo” to some ****ty ass club that charged “no Cover” but you had to pay $40 for 2 drinks. I insisted to my friends we go to rhino, lost the debate, and was now pissed off. So I left, found a cab line, went back to Paris and plaid 2 spots of pai gow ($25 on the hand and $5 on the bonus) until I got cut off, or wandered upstairs. I am not sure what put me to bed, but I would bet on the former.
Day 3 – Saturday when **** hits the fan
So I started writing this from the beginning but I feel compelled to get this part off my chest first. For my sake bear with me as I am going to try and do this by day so I can give as much detail as possible. Second I am not lost in life, I have a POA now, but my preamble still resonates so I am not changing it. If you care I wrote the preamble first, then day 1, then the first two sentences here and put it away. Now 2 weeks later irl I am picking this up again. The details are less prevalent now but day 3 is where it gets juicy iyam.
So I wake up again feeling half alive to a dead phone and I start the Vegas morning routine with a new twist of charging my phone and finding text messages from my friends to the tune of “are you alive”, “Where did you go”, “did you get arrested”, etc. etc. Finally we meet up at the front of paris and are cabbed to a hangover doctor where me and 3 other bros get hangover IV’s. It may have been a placebo effect, but this **** ****ing worked imo. So much so that about 10 minutes into it we all perked up and started talking. Worth the $150-$250 imo if you are out in that desert heat burning your fun coupons anyways. The fun came to an abrupt halt when this vin diesel looking mf (with aggressive religious tattoo’s on his arms) came over grabbed the IV bag, that was attached to a ****ing needle that was currently in my veins, and started aggressively rolling and squeezing the IV bag in order to get the last drops of saline out so they could bring another sucker in behind me. So that ended and we all went back to Paris and got ****ed up before we went and shot machine guns at some place we paid way too much for. It was fun, and I was drunk so it was even more fun, but I would not pay for it again.
Then we all go back to Paris and ate at mon ama gabi or some ****, where the best man decided we should all eat outside. IN VEGAS IN THE MIDDLE OF ****ING JULY. I also where a suit when I am in vegas so I am literally sweating onto my plate. Mental note, this is the last time I leave planning up to a software engineer on the gd autism spectrum to plan my ****ing trip to vegas, **** weddings, **** bachelor parties, **** social etiquette, I am not torching another 5k’s out there unless it’s my ****ing way. So we eat a real sweaty meal and next up is a strip club. I am hammered now and am slipping in and out of consciousness and one of my “friends” starts complaining about Rhino being too expensive. I make a huge ****ing scene and we end up at Rhino, I win **** you, but ffs guys trust me when I give advice on how to degen in Vegas, I know what I am doing. So I am sitting there, slipping in and out of consciousness and all of a sudden I look to my right and there she is (we will call her the TS for the stripper) TS, who I have not talked to im ~5 years since I broke up with her to get back together with the only other woman I have loved in my life. At this point my brain starts to short circuit and I start talking to her. She explains to me that she is working and if I want to talk to her I have to pay $300 for a private dance. That sends me over the edge so I walk her back to the private dance area, give the floor man $500, demand she not get a penny and go back for my private dance. (yes I really am a special kind of *******). Again, my memery is spotty here but I remember a drink girl coming by and giving her $100 to **** off, then I remember a long “passionate” hug, then I told TS that I was staying at Paris and asked when she was getting off so I could go clean up before she came over. To which her response was “I am off now if you have $1000”. Holy ****, I lost my **** when she said that and immediately stormed out of the club, jumped into a cab, went back to Paris and found the closest bar and drank until I woke up.
Day 4 – Sunday everybody leaves except me and my boy
I wake up to a phone without the “are you dead” type messages and take that as a green light to start the vegas routine, but when I reached for the phone I realize my buddy ( lets call him TOD or the other degen) was passed out in my bed as well. No **** **** went down, he just didn’t book his room for Sunday night, but he is hurting equally as bad as I am. We joke about last night and he offers to orders take out hangover IV’’s. I didn’’t believe him when he was saying it, but they actually came to our room and put IV’s in our arms as we laid in a 2 bro bed half alive.
As a side bar, we had some pretty fun conversations talking about all the crazy **** they have seen given the nature of their work, and they got a good kick out of seeing us do this 2 days in a row now and looking progressively worse. It is vegas so there was no talk of “are you guys ok?”, just **** you pay me, here comes the needle.
So that ends and I have a text from TS saying simply, “I hope you are doing better”. That again starts the cosmic mind **** that TS was for me 5 years ago and undeniably still is. I talk about this at length with my friend. We also discuss where we are in life, what our plans are moving forward, and decide that I need to move to seattle, live with him and get a masters degree. Now that life was all good and settled we just get absolutely **** faced. By 10pmn or so he is dying to go to a club, but I am out of steam and didn’t have any PED’s to keep me up so I request we just go to a diner and retire for the night. He see’s the pain in my eyes and agrees. Idk what diner we ended up at, but I managed to buy a bottle of goose at Paris before we left and then “sneak” it into the diner where we drank the whole thing while barely touching our food. We kill the bottle together and it is now 2amish and we head back to Paris to retire. As we approach the elevators this wretched looking whore accosts my friend and he agrees to take her up to our room. He asks me to borrow the $400 she is asking for and I agree so long as he takes her to the bathroom so I can go to bed. That worked well until he came out with nothing but a towel on asking for another $200 so he could put it in her snatch. I am amused enough at his weak as HGG that I point to the safe, yell the combo at him and pass back out. (Funny enough this broad was lactating and gave him chlamydia, which I will enjoy making fun of him for a long time).
Day 5 – Monday the TS ****s with TBH’s brain machine
So I wake up and TOD is passed out in my bed again, this time there are no more texts so I go to the bathroom to ****/shower/shave and start the Vegas morning routine but am interrupted by the scene of a crime that was committed in my bathroom last night. I respond optimally and go aggressively wake TOD up and start shaming him while his body struggles to function. That ends, we get cleaned up and go to mon ama ****ing gabi again to get brunch and some hair of the dog. There was this stunning native American bus girl that I tried hitting on was shown her wedding ring along with a blush (I win). My response to this was to text TS “I want to see you”, some ****ing brain computer I have huh (hahaha no win here). My friend eventually leaves and I have managed to make plans to meet TS at Cosmo in 3 hours. So what do I do, I go to a bar obviously and pour my heart out to a bartender who ended up having an ex-wife baby momma that was a former stripper. He counselled me on how this would end up but also told me where he was working the next day and asked if I would come find him and let him know how it worked out (clearly I am not the only sick **** out there that can’t shy away from a falling knife).
I depart Paris and head to Cosmo to meet TS and am greeted by another bartender, who I pour my heart out to again, and he also asked me to follow up with a TR on his next shift (I guess you ****s aren’t the only ones that enjoy a glimpse into the life of a semi functioning adult sized MAWG. This is interrupted by TS as she walks in in some red one piece looking absolutely gorgeous. I give her a very long and passionate (lol) embrace and we sit at the bar and talk for about 30 minutes before she apologizes for intentionally hurting my feelings with the dance and money request at Rhino but says she was mad because I broke her heart when I broke up with her 5 years ago. I don’t like it, but I get it and we agree to hang out for the day and go find some food. We end up eating somewhere in Cosmo and I extend my room for another night with her gladly agreeing to stay with me. She wants to go to a club but I don’t so we settle on gambling for now and seeing where this takes us. She takes me to the high stakes room and sits at a $50 baccarrat table and asks me how much I want to play for. I get upset on the inside but I lay down $500 and say “that is all I have to gamble with today”. She is happy and starts playing that silly game and ordering shots of parton. (sidebar, I am pretty sure this girl lacks the enzyme that metabolizes alcohol because every time she drinks I have to cary her out of the bar (side-sidebar carrying a passed out foreigner toes down out of a bar is an interesting experience if you have never tried it)). I remind her of what happens when she drinks and ask her to take it easy. 3 shots, 1 hour, $500 and prob 5 random guys hitting on her later I am escorting her back to my room so she can sleep it off because she feels sick. Some things don’t ****ing change.
It is now 11pmish and I am laying in, surprisingly sober for me in Vegas at this time, with TS passed out beside me and I didn’t even get to play with her fun parts. I decide to kill the random half bottle of bourbon that is in my room and smoke some of that weed I procured until I pass out.
Day 6 – Tuesday, the second longest trip I have had in this desert
Now I wake up to her necking me telling me she is horny and we do the thing until its done and it was just as awesome as I remembered it. Once that is done she asks what I want to do and if I can get another room for tonight. I explain, at length, where I am at in my life and that Poker is my only source of income right now and that I need my money to be able to make money playing it. She looks at me, go to her purse, grabs a wad of cash (ended up being ~$800) and hands it to me and says “we didn’t have to play with your money last night, you can have this back and today will be on me”. Now, I may be a degenerate ****ing animal that loves to exploit other people’s irrationalities and indulge myself in my own, but that ****ing threw me for a loop. Now, TS has always had the ability to do 2 things better than anyone I have every met. First she has the ability to make me focus only on the moment we are in and forget all of my anxiety/stress/adulting/tomorrow/the past/whateverthe****else and second behave in a manner that scrambles my brain and causes it to spit out error messages in the form of irrational behavior (like falling in love with a ****ing stripper that is 15 years older than me). You guys can say/think what you want but the way she does it feels different and I believe she genuinely just wants someone to love/love her back and she claims I am the only one since her ex-husband she has felt that way with, which I want to believe based on my reads but vehemently deny based on logic.
That being said, she offers to get a room at Cosmo for the night and sponsor me for the rest of the trip. So, we check out of Paris and head to Cosmo, she finds a host that comps her a night and we go to check in. Now, I usually stay at Cesar’s bc I have a diamond card with Harrah’s and Cesar’s is the nicest they have and their diamond check in lounge is nice and all but I was surprised by the staff and amenities at Cosmo. It is a very nice hotel/casino and the staff there was very accommodating all the way down to the dealers and support staff. Kudos to them, but my degen ass is caught in the point/reward scam of harrahs and I no longer have the money to forge that relationship at a new casino, especially not one as nice as Cosmo.
Now I am exhausted from this brain dump, my flight is about to land in the big D, I have to get back on the life grind, and this is all you get for now. I can elaborate on the rest of day 6 but the summary is; we just had fun low-rolling vegas for a day which she paid for all of. I went back to Ft. Lauderdale for a couple weeks, decided to end my life vacation and go back to Dallas to sort my life out before moving to Seattle to bet everything I have (and likely take loans out to do so) on my brain. But before I did I spent a week at the W in FLL with TS.
