FYP

----- Original Message -----
From: *
Sent: 2008/03/06 14:32:10
To: support@pokerstars.com
Subject: Hello I need help

>
>Hello, I am in need of some quick assistance.
>
>Saturday is the day of my wedding. I am going to marry the most
beautiful woman on the earth. What she doesn't know about is my shady
past. To sum it up, we've been together for nearly 2 years, happily, but
before I met her I had a secret. I was gay with a one-legged midget named
Phillip. Phillip must have seen that I am getting married in the
newspaper or something and I'm not even sure how he has my cell phone
number, but he left me a message saying that if I didn't give him $20,000
he is going to show my wife and family pictures of us "together". I
definitely do not have $20,000 to give him. Now I'm unsure what to do.
Maybe he will accept sexual favors instead of payment. He did love
cuddling while i sang him Elton John songs and fed him ice cream. Maybe I
should threaten him with physical harm? He cannot move very quick, after
all, he does only have one leg. I think a good kick to the head would
serve him right for bringing this on me in the first place and I was the
punter for my highschool football team so I've got strong legs.
>
>Anyway, some advice would surely be appreciated. Thank you in advance,
>Ryan

Hello Ryan,

Thank you for your email.

I must admit, this is a tough situation and the possible solutions are
very limited.

My best suggestion here is to see where your heart is, and go along what
your heart tells you to do. Physical damage is out of the question of
course. And honesty, while it wont help out the situation with the
girlfriend, might bring you peace of mind, long term.

You can always try our Hubble's Freeroll and have a chance to enter our
Weekly Round 2 events, you might win some juicy prizes to pay off the
$20,000.

I hope my response helps with your problem, and remember you are always
welcome to play here at PokerStars.

Regards,

Daniel F
PokerStars Support Team

Oooh, mind if I steal this one for my Avatar?

this is the funniest thread of anythign concerning any subject I have ever read in my entire life.

I bet they get tons of weird mails these days and dont have a clue whats going on.

They must be getting inundated with emails b/c of this thread. Hopefully, it won't stop them from answering.

Yeah, the key isn't making them over the top ******ed like the one with the guy bribing a dude about to be married with gay sex photos and ****. It's better when they're somewhat plausible.

[ ] Is good at the English language.

[ ] Is good at posting

[ ] is good at shortstacking

[x] well played

Yeah their support is probably laughing their ass off.

scotty hooked me up with a new lcd widescreen monitor and let me pay for it in fpps after i bought it with money at best buy. my old monitor died and stopped showing any red colors and started to show everything in this green and blue tint.

that was pretty neat.

>>Dear Support,>
Over the last 3+ years, I've worked very hard to turn myself from abreakeven player to a winner at poker. Amazingly enough, I somehow overcameall my personal shortcomings to indeed become a winner at a fairly decentclip. However, I now have a new problem. I'm having trouble finding the motivation to put in the hours so that I might rise to 'baller' status.Turns out that I'm lazy, or at least that is how it seems. Can you give me any advice and/or tips on how to get the motivation to play 40 hours per week or more? If I could do that, I could reach 'baller' status and constantly pay more and more rake to pokerstars.
Thanks for your time and any help.

> >Sincerely,

************************************************** ***********
Hello Bret,

Thank you for your email.

You'll be glad to hear that you are not alone, playing poker at thatfrequency can be exhausting and motivation can be a problem at times, we'reonly human after all. I think the best strategy would be to first decideyour goals and from that you can start some strategic planning. Where do youwant to get to? Whose success do you want to emulate? When you have decidedthese things you can plan your own path. I know that some of Team PokerSatrsPro swear by keeping physically fit - healthy body, healthy mind. And thenof course there is the internet, its a fantastic resource for tips and hintsfrom the masters. A Google search for 'poker motivation' brings up lots ofblogs from people in the same situation as yourself.

I hope this helps. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance.

Regards,

Sarah K
PokerStars Support Team

OMFG!

[x] Thread Delivers

Sarah K needs to learn to proof-read.

Sarah K leveled you. Read the initial email closer.

+1, Sarah K might be the cleverestoneyet

ahahahahahahaha sarak k marryme.

pics of sarah k

its pics of sarahkimo

Pokerstars Support,

I recently watched the movie "White Men Can't Jump." As a white man, I found this quite offensive and have saught out to prove that white men really can jump. The only way I know how to do this is by giving my kid a name that proves the point. I wanted to name him Whitman Kenjum (which sounds eerily the same to white men can jump). However, my friends have pointed out that this may not be possible. First, I have to find a woman who is willing to have a child with me. This could be difficult for someone like myself. Second, if I do find a woman to bear by child... what are the odds she'll agree to naming it Whitman Kenjum? (I also thought it was quite interesting that the bear I used in the previous sentence is spelled the same as "grizzly bear," "black bear," and "Yogi the Bear." I thought it would be spelled different, but after looking it up it is indeed spelled the same.) It seems that the woman has a much greater influence on naming the baby, and there is a good chance they may not want to name the baby Whitman Kenjum. I could ask her before her and I conceive the baby, but let's be honest.... that would totally kill the mood.

So I was wondering, how can I find a girl who will want to have a child with me? And also, how can I assure that the girl will let the baby be named Whitman Kenjum? It is imparitive that the world learns that white men really are quite capable of jumping. On a side note, I would also be very interested in knowing your favorite kind of ice cream? Thank you so much!

Mark


Hello Mark,

Thanks for the email.

I understand your concerns here and I will do my best to help. The film is
a personal favorite of mine and I recently caught it again, although a
little dated it was still as enthralling as the first time I saw it all
those years ago. Harrellson on top form as ever.

In all honesty, I can't see what the problem is. Woody's on-court
performance expels the claim in the title of the film for what it is - a
myth. And lets be honest, naming your kid 'Whitman Kenjum' wouldn't change
any worldly opinions about caucasian mens' ability to dunk. Not to mention
the problems your kid could encounter in the school playground because of
their 'unusual' title.

As for women, well I'm no expert on the matter myself. But if I could offer
any advice I'd say find one who likes you for who you are. When you get
that, everything else tends to work itself out.

My favorite Ice-Cream changes from one season to the next, but if you forced
me into a corner - I'd go for Vanilla.

If there is anything else we can help you with, please don't hesitate to
contact us.

Regards,

Michael S
PokerStars Support Team

regretfully, it was copy and paste shenanigans

sarah k had noconnectedwords in the actual email

Why has no one asked them what would happen in a battle between Mr. T and Chuck Norris?

Quick, get Yakshi to write to stars support!