The fact this thread exists makes my life worth living...

[x] disappointed with response

Hello Julian:

Thank you for your email.

I can understand how being a serious poker player and having a serious
girlfriend can be a bit complicated.

Unfortunately, due to company policy, I cannot set you up with any of our
beautiful, sexy, poker-loving female staff.

I wish you the best of luck on the poker circuit.

Do not hesitate to contact us in the future.

Kindest regards,

Rupert
PokerStars Support Team



----- Original Message -----
From: ******
Sent: 2009/10/06 09:48:16
To: support@pokerstars.com
Subject: Question

>
>Dear any unbiased male pokerstars support staff member,
>
>I was wondering if you could help me. Over the last few years I've found
that having a girlfriend whilst playing poker on a full time basis does not
work as they don't understand it and permanently nag you.
>
>Therefore I'm going to pursue another route of interest: finding a
girlfriend who already plays poker.
>
>Could you please tell me if there are any smoking hot pokerstars support
staff. Is she/they single and if so how old are they? I'm not fussed about
age. Dating a pokerstars staff member would be ideal as my doomswith could
be switched off permanently and I could then afford to lavish her with gifts
such as Domino's or even a footlong Subway.
>
>Kind regards,
>
>hartwith

[x] Could have been better

Hello Alexander,

Thank you for your email.

We are aware how serious this problem can be, however we do not offer pee bottles in our VIP Store and
are not experts on these items. If you enter "pee bottles" in Google search tool I am sure you will be
able to find something suitable to yourself.

If there is anything else we can assist you with, please let us know.

Regards,

Barbara
PokerStars Support Team


----- Original Message -----
From: alexmack@orcon.net.nz
Sent: 2009/10/06 05:51:49
To: support@pokerstars.com
Subject: Help

>Hi there
>
>I have an unfortunate problem. I like to multitable cash games, and when they are particularly
lucrative, I find myself playing for up to 10 hours at a time,
>
>During this time, I cannot leave my computer chair. Yet, I inevitably find myself needing to urinate.
>
>I have heard that some players utilise "pee bottles". Could you elaborate on these, and perhaps
provide me with some examples of particularly good ones? I have been told to avoid Powerade as it is
easy to miss the opening. It is critical that my carpet remains in good shape as my partner is overly
materialistic.
>
>Alternatively, is there anything I could purchase from your FPP store that would suffice?
>
>As always,
>
>Alex
>
>

Hello James,

Thank you for contacting us!

It hurts me to hear that you lost money whilst trying to figure out what jam
flavor to go for but I am glad that you seem content with our service and I
must express my admiration of your selection of jam.

Since we at the support cover pretty much all modern languages imaginable,
24/7, on three different continents I am sure you understand that I am
unable (even though I was quite tempted to send an email to "all") to ask
everyone about their jam preferences.

I have therefore, all in a good science fashion, asked ten of my colleges
from around the world and I have an answer for you. Strawberry jam is the
answer. Strawberry jam. 7 out of 10 of my colleges prefers strawberry jam.

It obviously depends what one is planning to put the jam on but Strawberry
jam seemed to be the first thing that came to mind.

I hope you find this helpful and I ask you kindly to get back to us if there
is anything else I can
do for you or if you have any other questions.


Regards,

Anders
PokerStars Support Team


----- Original Message -----
From: xxx
Sent: 2009/10/07 05:42:56
To: support@pokerstars.com
Subject: Please help (non-urgent)

>
>Hi Completely Fantastic Pokerstars Support Team,
>
>I was grinding NL25 - 6Max yesterday and suddenly had a pang of hunger. I
>retired to the kitchen, after sitting out of 12 tables on your excellent
>site, and started to make myself some toast. Once I had applied the butter
>whilst the toast was still hot, I opened my jam cupboard to be confronted
>with the greatest dilemma I have faced for a while. I had in fact just
>returned from a golfing weekend with my Father-In-Law, and having 'bagged'
>every condiment from the buffet breakfast table, I had a selection of
>roughly 13 different flavours of toast topping from which to choose on this
>occasion.
>
>I estimate that roughly 10 hands per table were lost due to having to make
>this decision, and at a rate of 4ptBB/100, the 'free' jam that I had
>bagged, actually cost me something in the region of $2.4.
>
>I wonder whether, for future reference, you could let me know what the
>favorite jams are for each member of the most excellent pokerstars support
>team. I think this would certainly enable me to make a more rapid decision
>if this unfortunate event was to arise again.
>
>Many Thanks

that's weird, in response to a Dutch player they responded something else... (copy/pasted from www.pokercollege.nl)

Dear Support,

As you can see in the attached file, your concierge service does not include important matters for a poker player such as tax payments and other financial issues. This has left me worried a little. Could you please tell me if concierge service can be used for the following services:

- Strip club entrance fee, lap dance, lesbian show, table dance, private time with strippers etc.
- Bottle service in a club of my choice
- Condoms
- Birth control
- Professional treatment for mental issues such as tilt and god-syndrome
- Baseball bats, pepper spray, stun gun, etc, for protection when leaving the casino with ballin' amounts of cash
- Lucky charms such as a rabbit's foot or a statue of Buddha
- Alimony for ex-wife and children, caused by gambling problems
- A private detective to follow my ex-wife's every move
- A cute puppy
- One hour with Anna of Zuzana.com
- Receipt for a lost game of credit card roulette
- A signed poster of Daniel Negreanu exposing his naked chest
- A crate of Red Bull energy drink
- All seasons of Entourage
- A monkey
- Invoice for the assassination of Men 'The Master' Nguyen
- A bottle to urinate in while grinding
- Speeding tickets
- Bail money
- Purchase of a new identity

These are a few. Hopefully you can let me know asap. Some of these are rather urgent.

Gr,

XXX



Date: Thu, 1 Oct 2009 11:03:38 -0400
From: support@pokerstars.com
To: XXX
Subject: PokerStars Support Team - Concierge Service

Hello XXX,

Thank you for your email

I do understand you concerns about the concierge service, since both that and our VIP store and concierge service is aimed to help the poker player.
However, I assure you, you seem to have misinterpreted some of the things available to you both through the store and the concierge service.

The basic principle of the concierge service is that it has to be of a value over $500 and it has to be legal, and it cannot include utility bills such as credit card bills, mortgage etc. Other than that, you can claim almost anything as long as you have a legal receipt for it.

So let me go through your list and point out the possibilities and opportunities.

Strip club entrance fee, lap dance, lesbian show, table dance, private time with strippers etc. Bottle service in a club of my choice.


Strip clubs, lap dances, etc. as well as restaurant bills fall under the same category, unfortunately we cannot grant this because it is considered everyday items. It needs to be special for concierge service to be applicable. (Well, it might be "special" but still, it is considered an everyday item.)

Condoms
Birth control

These are very important things, therefore, you need to get these in bulk. Basically, buy condoms for $500 or so and send us the bill. There is no problems for using your FPPs for this purpose.

Professional treatment for mental issues such as tilt and god-syndrome

Tilt and God-syndrome are two serious problems (unless you get lucky and hit a two-outer to take someone stack), we therefore have no problems of paying for a good shrink to help you with these issues. Make sure that he charges more than $500 though, anything less would be pointless in your case.

Baseball bats, pepper spray, stun gun etc, for protection when leaving the casino with ballin' amounts of cash

Well, the solution to this problem is online poker. Please play exclusively on PokerStars and you will not have any problems with people who try to rip you off when you head home from a good night at the casino.

However, should you still need these items, I suggest you buy them in bulk so that the bill exceeds $500.

Lucky charms such as a rabbit's foot or a statue of Buddha


The problem with lucky charms is that some of them work and some of them do not. Therefore if you buy rabbits feet for example, make sure you buy a couple of thousand. When it comes to smiling buddha charm I would probably try buying 20-30 of this nice item:

http://www.alleghenycandles.com/buddha.html

If you want a bigger Buddha you should consider buying a couple from this site:

http://www.finebuddhastatues.com/sha...ddha-c-10.html

You can, of course, send the bill to concierge service and we will take care of it as long as the order is large enough.

Alimony for ex-wife and children, caused by gambling problems

Unfortunately this goes under the heading of house-hold bills and everyday items, and I am afraid we cannot help you here. However, as stated earlier, we can pay for the shrink.

A private detective to follow my ex-wife's every move

Of course. As long as he does not do anything illegal this is something we would consider.

A cute puppy

Sorry, this is probably not possible. But who knows, perhaps we can make an exception for you, it depends on the cuteness of the puppy.

Receipt for a lost game of credit card roulette


Now, I do not know the amounts you play for, but I seriously would advise to up the ante. We can, namely, grant use of the concierge service if the bill is large enough. For example if it is a special occasion, like holding a birthday party for a friend at a fancy restaurant it should be no problem.

Therefore, go for it properly, get 10 people together and go for a game of Credit Card Roulette in one of these two three star restaurants not far from your home:

http://www.librije.com/#passie/nl
http://www.oudsluis.nl/dining.html

We would consider any kind of bill for less than $1,500 not worthy of a proper poker player playing credit card roulette, but if you play high, and happen to lose, the concierge service will help you out.

A signed poster of Daniel Negreanu exposing his naked chest

Unfortunately we do not have this kind of relationship with Daniel Negreanu, but perhaps you can approach him in person and ask him for a photo?

Another possibility is to make a post on the 2+2 forum and I am sure they could help you find the sexiest pictures of Daniel.

A crate of Red Bull energy drink

A crate? Come on. You drink at least three a day, for a year, that is approximately 1,000, I would probably go with 2,000 just to be safe. Get the bill, send it to us and the concierge service will help you foot the bill using your FPPs.

All seasons of Entourage

Currently the best way to get this is by using our Amazon vouchers purchasable through our VIP store.


A monkey

We already have a PokerStars monkey purchasable through the VIP store, or have you missed his adventures? Please check out the following link:

http://www.pokerstars.com/vip/store/promotions/monkey/

Invoice for the assassination of Men 'The Master' Nguyen

This is illegal and therefore we cannot help you. However, if you want to hurt him the right way to go is to hurt him emotionally. You will probably do that best at the tables.


A bottle to urinate in while grinding

Now why would you think we have not thought about this before? What did you think our travel mug in the VIP store is supposed to be used for?

http://www.pokerstars.com/vip/store/...ies&prod=pa-18
Speeding tickets
Bail money

Unfortunately this would either fall under the category of "everyday items" or utility bills so I am afraid the concierge service cannot help you here. You can buy a pretty fast car though through the VIP store ...

http://www.pokerstars.com/vip/store/...ems&prod=sp-01

... in fact, when I think about it perhaps you need a slow car. Then I would suggest the Nissan Micra 1.2 Auto or perhaps one of the other ten cars mentioned in this survey about the slowest cars money can buy:


http://www.channel4.com/4car/ft/feature/feature/16994/3

Just send us the bill and our concierge service can help you use your FPPs for the purchase.

Purchase of a new identity

This is against our terms of service. Just as we only allow one user ID per person we only allow one identity per person. Thus we cannot help you with this issue. Our ToS can be found here:

http://www.pokerstars.com/poker/room/tos/


I hope this responds to most of your concerns about the concierge service and our VIP store, as you can see we have actually already thought about many of these issues. Also, we have sunglasses to hide your hangover when you go out, umbrellas to protect against the sun if you have the inclination to leave your PokerStars grinding during daylight, for example, so as you can see we are trying to be proactive.

If you have any further questions or comments please let us know and we are happy to help. If you wish to start using the concierge service properly (as explained above) we are looking forward to your first bills.

Good luck with the credit card roulette.

Regards,

Fredrik S
PokerStars Support Team

LOL

LMAO..... too funny.

LOL...awesome thread!

A+ thread.

holy ****, Fredrik S is awesome

Bump

To many negative Stars support threads ATM

lol

pstars support is win

EPICZ IN THE MAKING!!

This thread makes my tilt go away.

I am gonna ask them how long these damn vegetables need to be cooked...
......or how to extract coke from papaver....

hahahah

[x] thread confirmed epic
[x] 5star thread

----- Original Message -----
From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: 2009/10/25 19:19:47
To: support@pokerstars.com
Subject: Question

>
>Dear Support,
>
>I've been reading some poker forums recently and I've heard that
many of the top pros online have one top tip.
>
>When they go all in and it's a horrible spot they cover all of
the screen except for their avatar, and if they win the pot they
see the chips get shipped to them, if not they close the table.
>
>I would very much like some advice about this new feature Stars
has implemented please. Things I would like to know:
>
>a) Should I use one hand or two hands to cover the screen?
>b) What edge exactly does covering the screen give me? Say I
have AK vs 55, will it make me a 60:40 favourite? I know I will
be favourite using this technique but by how much?
>c) If I use this technique repeatedly, will Stars charge me more
rake or just a monthly fee?
>
>Thank you for your help.
>Have a good day.


_______________________________________________



Hello xxxxxxxx,

Thank you for contacting PokerStars.

While I have actually not read about this technique, it sounds
similar to mine. Before facing an all in situation, I find that
walking around my chair and screaming "purple midnight" three
times before making my call has lead to a much higher success
rate. I need to add, that it doesn't really increase my success
at the poker table, but it does result in causing everyone else
to leave the room, thereby making me successful in achieving
complete isolation. I must add, that this is a techique that
should only be applied in online poker, as this resulted in me
being barred from the Commerce in Southern California.

To respond to your specific questions:

A: It depends on the size of your hands. I would suggest that you
to to www.ping.com and take part in their online club fitting
program. If it is determined that you require an extra large
grip, then one hand should suffice. Anything less, you should
probably use two hands as I would imagine it would reduce the
techniques effectiveness.

B: You must be advised that in the situations where 55 is
present, the only proven technique to improve your chances of
winning is uttering the term "Presto" in an audible manner. Be
concerned if an opponent then utters "Erwin", as it might negate
the effect of "Presto".

C: PokerStars will not charge more rake or fee's for the use of
such techniques, but you are free to make donations to my
personal PayPal account if you find this information useful.

Good luck to you, and thank you for choosing PokerStars.

Regards,

Randy
PokerStars Support Team

HAHA Brilliant.

omfg im dying

wahaha nice lmfao

bahaha omg

Amazing lol, so random

lol at ping.com. Very clever imo