Barona Casino low stakes TR
01-22-2012
, 04:33 AM
I wake up at 9ish. Hmm, nothing going on today and it's raining. Perfect day to sit at a small table with 8 other dudes and work on my mucking techniques. (Sidenote: have already perfected "flick the cards into the dealer's tray" and "throw cards high enough for people to try to look under and see what they are, but fail and just look stupid").
My default card room is the Palomar:
Pluses are it's pretty close by and I can get Taco Bell delivered to the table. Minuses are the homeless people and prostitutes outside, the homeless people and prostitutes inside, and homeless-looking people running the room. No, this is a special day. I'm not going to the Palomar.
Ocean's 11 is another option, but that's like 30+ miles further and not much better. **** it, I can be in Vegas by 2. (Sidebrag: good chance I can score drinks with Eurotrash and dbz on short notice). Wait, parents are coming down tomorrow for breakfast. No Vegas.
Hold on, I think I went to an Indian casino a few years ago that didn't suck. I dig through my box of passport and important crap for a bit and then, boom:
My cupboards are bare, so I hope this bad boy has enough on it for breakfast. Mama didn't raise no fool, so I call ahead and jump on the list for 3/6 and 4/8 (with kill, ballin!) and 1/3 nl.
Half an hour later I cruise by big billboard that says "Barona Resort and Casino" and a ****ty little sign that says "Welcome to the Sovereign Nation of Barona." Nice sovereign nation, bros. Hope there's no customs 'cause I'm carrying at least two Benjies that I'm not declaring. America, **** yeah. (Sidenote: thought about hitting the ATM before I rolled out, but homeboy had me covered:
)
A little after 10 I'm strolling through the casino. It's actually pretty nice and reminds me of a decent Vegas casino, but something is missing: the bachelorette parties and other slutty party chicks. USA 1, Barona 0. The poker room is right past the buffet, which is open and has 0 people in line. Wow, must be a pretty ****ty buffet. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and is really the only meal that is acceptable for buffets, and you apparently still managed to **** it up. USA 2, Barona 0.
I hit the poker room and see a bunch of dealers and mopes sitting around some tables not playing poker. Me: "Hey I called ahead, I'm on the board." Woman who looks like she's 45 and did it the hard way: "No games are running, just the tournament that's about to start." Wow, thanks for telling me that when I called in. Also, good job wasting your Saturday morning playing a poker tournament, other morons. No time to righteously pwn this woman with my superior wit, I need some food.
Barona Coffee Shop is open. Hey, you have your own coffee shop, and I'm pretty sure I passed Barona Gas Station on my way in, cool country. For $2 I get a "small" 16 oz coffee and a bear claw that is too big to finish. Both are excellent. USA 2, Barona 1.
I go back to the poker room and break bricks on my phone until they finally start a game. Nothing interesting happens because it's ****ing 3/6 limit. I start hoping my nl game will start. I see a list for "Crazy Pineapple." What's that? One of the regs explains: you get 3 cards to start and then give one back before the turn, and there are kill pots. Sounds like it should be called Crazy Awesome. I join the list. "Hey board guy, there are 6 on the Pineapple list, start the game." No response. I fold some more hands that are not on the Ed Miller approved list. "Jeff for 1/3 nl holdem, you want it?" No I don't want that garbage, I want to play some Crazy MUFU Pineapple. I limp AQ UTG and c/f a flop. "New game, Crazy Pineapple, Table 3." Adios suckers! Enjoy bleeding away your Saturday $3-6 at a time! I'm off to La Piña Loca!
Five people from the 3/6 game quit to play Pineapple. Beautiful, welcome to the Chesterfield South. I ask myself a Special Sklansky question: what starting hands should you plan in Crazy Pineapple when there's a high and low? :lightbulb: Don't play three of a kind! Can't think of anything else, so I proceed to play 100% of hands and c/f 90% of flops.
Little Mexican dude next to me has a cuteish girl with him that he is ignoring. I decide to chat her up. She is fiddling around on her phone, so I drop this sick line: "You playing Angry Birds?" She says she is not (lol of course not, your phone is vertical) and that she's not very good at Angry Birds. Wow, anyone who sucks at Angry Birds must suck at life. No wonder your bf is ignoring you. I ignore her too. Eventually my sick Pineapple strat has me all in with pocket threes. I ignore the hand and announce "ship it" on the river when I flip my cards, but somehow lose anyway.
On my way out, I rejoin the list for 1/3 nl. They give me a restaurant-style pager for when a seat opens up, which is convenient and awesome. USA 2 Barona 2. I decide to donk up some table games and wander into the "chipless" section. These tables all have touch screens embedded at each seat that take actions, keep your chip count, give instructions about the game, etc. Sweet, it's like my own personal iPad! Never seen this anywhere else. USA 2 Barona 3. My first hand I misclick tip the dealer $5 and don't realize until she thanks me after the hand. I don't have any chips to shuffle either. Chipless sucks. USA 2 Barona 2.
I sit down at an Ultimate Texas Holdem table and the dealer asks if I know how to play. Pretty sure I post on the same message board as the dude who invented this game and table games are designed to be playable by ******ed monkeys. I'll be fine. Ante same amount as blind, bet sizes decrease after the flop, turn and river dealt at the same time. I have no idea what's going on, but I'm obv winning anyway.
First dealer is cute, her name is spelled S-E-R-A-H. Guess she didn't live up to her parents' hopes for her becoming a stripper. I have no idea what ethnicity she is and decide against asking. She points out that some guy walking around looks like William Hung. She's right, sucks to be that guy.
Next dealer is named Miguel, but his nametag says "Migizzy." Awesome. Miguel is adorned with a bunch of buttons. Some of them are "lucky" animals. Lucky Clam, Lucky Lion, etc. I ask what the best one is. He points to the pit boss, who is wearing:
I want it, and since I'm tipping way more than anyone else, I get it. Serah walks by awhile later and exclaims, "You got a Lucky Zombie button!" I'm "in a hand" and give a distracted response. I win my hand and then realize I just blew a setup from my new wingman. Whatever, I'll recover later. It's time to eat again.
I check my player's card and I've got $10, sounds like a decent meal. Pit boss informs me that I can get food at the table. Sweet, never had that at table games before. USA 2 Barona 3. I ask the server what they have. "Everything." Mexican? "Yes." Good, I'll have a California burrito. "What's that?" Seriously? We're right outside of San Diego and you don't know what a Cali is? (Sidenote: California burritos are available at pretty much every Mexican restaurant in San Diego, of which there are many. They vary a bit, but generally have carne asada, cheese, sour cream, and *key ingredient* fries:
).
I describe this to the server, but end up with a poorly wrapped sour cream mess. USA 2 Barona 2.
Before, during, and after lunch, I'm crushing Ultimate Texas Holdem. Dealers and other players keep telling me to bet the "bonus" square (pays when you make big hands). No thanks, fish, I'm not here to make -EV bets. I hit quads twice, but still would have only netted a few extra bucks from betting the bonus square every time. Eventually my pager goes off. 90+ minutes to get a seat at 1/3 nl, this had better be good. Lucky Zombie and I cash out $300ish in profit and head back to the poker room.
Guy who looks like William Hung is at my table, has no social skills, and his bet/check/call are fast, jerky, and awkward. Sucks to be him again.
Some guy ends up all in and I toss him Lucky Zombie. He busts and leaves. Sorry bro, I guess LZ doesn't like you. Some lady comes and asks if she can sit there. No you can't ****ing sit there, Lucky Zombie is sitting there. She takes a different seat and I retrieve Lucky Z. Seat open, bitch.
Seat 9 orders a steak and baked potato, like a boss. When I come back from the little zombies' room, I notice that seat 7 is staring at seat 9 demolishing the meal. Creepy. I sit down in the ocho and seat 7 looks behind me to continue watching seat 9. Super creepy.
I end up in a hand with creepy guy. There's like $0-$100 in the pot and the board is XXX X X rainbow or some ****. Creeper checks, I bet $45 with KQ (air), and he tanks. Just as I'm about to call a clock, he asks "$25?" Lol, no, it's $45! He's definitely folding. He calls. I get owned by ace high.
Seat 1 asks William Hung look alike if he was on American Idol. "Yes, a long time ago." Oh, I guess you really are William Hung. And you're playing 1/3 nl getting harassed by some moron. Sucks to be you even more. Seat 1 asks him to "do the song." William Hung says not right now. New dealer arrives and indicates that he wants us to hit a jackpot hand. Seat 1 says, "Well this guy already hit the jackpot," and winks at William Hung. Congrats s1, you are the new creepy guy.
Live straddle, lots of callers, I pick up black AK in the BB. Muddywater thinks I should raise in this situation, so I do. One caller. Flop is Kxx, all diamonds. No effing around, Lucky Zombie is riding a tower of redbirds into the middle. Villain folds, ship it.
At 5ish I get bored and leave with LZ to go get Serah's number. Final result:
.
Note the fiver peeking out at the top right corner.
My default card room is the Palomar:
Pluses are it's pretty close by and I can get Taco Bell delivered to the table. Minuses are the homeless people and prostitutes outside, the homeless people and prostitutes inside, and homeless-looking people running the room. No, this is a special day. I'm not going to the Palomar.
Ocean's 11 is another option, but that's like 30+ miles further and not much better. **** it, I can be in Vegas by 2. (Sidebrag: good chance I can score drinks with Eurotrash and dbz on short notice). Wait, parents are coming down tomorrow for breakfast. No Vegas.
Hold on, I think I went to an Indian casino a few years ago that didn't suck. I dig through my box of passport and important crap for a bit and then, boom:
My cupboards are bare, so I hope this bad boy has enough on it for breakfast. Mama didn't raise no fool, so I call ahead and jump on the list for 3/6 and 4/8 (with kill, ballin!) and 1/3 nl.
Half an hour later I cruise by big billboard that says "Barona Resort and Casino" and a ****ty little sign that says "Welcome to the Sovereign Nation of Barona." Nice sovereign nation, bros. Hope there's no customs 'cause I'm carrying at least two Benjies that I'm not declaring. America, **** yeah. (Sidenote: thought about hitting the ATM before I rolled out, but homeboy had me covered:
)A little after 10 I'm strolling through the casino. It's actually pretty nice and reminds me of a decent Vegas casino, but something is missing: the bachelorette parties and other slutty party chicks. USA 1, Barona 0. The poker room is right past the buffet, which is open and has 0 people in line. Wow, must be a pretty ****ty buffet. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and is really the only meal that is acceptable for buffets, and you apparently still managed to **** it up. USA 2, Barona 0.
I hit the poker room and see a bunch of dealers and mopes sitting around some tables not playing poker. Me: "Hey I called ahead, I'm on the board." Woman who looks like she's 45 and did it the hard way: "No games are running, just the tournament that's about to start." Wow, thanks for telling me that when I called in. Also, good job wasting your Saturday morning playing a poker tournament, other morons. No time to righteously pwn this woman with my superior wit, I need some food.
Barona Coffee Shop is open. Hey, you have your own coffee shop, and I'm pretty sure I passed Barona Gas Station on my way in, cool country. For $2 I get a "small" 16 oz coffee and a bear claw that is too big to finish. Both are excellent. USA 2, Barona 1.
I go back to the poker room and break bricks on my phone until they finally start a game. Nothing interesting happens because it's ****ing 3/6 limit. I start hoping my nl game will start. I see a list for "Crazy Pineapple." What's that? One of the regs explains: you get 3 cards to start and then give one back before the turn, and there are kill pots. Sounds like it should be called Crazy Awesome. I join the list. "Hey board guy, there are 6 on the Pineapple list, start the game." No response. I fold some more hands that are not on the Ed Miller approved list. "Jeff for 1/3 nl holdem, you want it?" No I don't want that garbage, I want to play some Crazy MUFU Pineapple. I limp AQ UTG and c/f a flop. "New game, Crazy Pineapple, Table 3." Adios suckers! Enjoy bleeding away your Saturday $3-6 at a time! I'm off to La Piña Loca!
Five people from the 3/6 game quit to play Pineapple. Beautiful, welcome to the Chesterfield South. I ask myself a Special Sklansky question: what starting hands should you plan in Crazy Pineapple when there's a high and low? :lightbulb: Don't play three of a kind! Can't think of anything else, so I proceed to play 100% of hands and c/f 90% of flops.
Little Mexican dude next to me has a cuteish girl with him that he is ignoring. I decide to chat her up. She is fiddling around on her phone, so I drop this sick line: "You playing Angry Birds?" She says she is not (lol of course not, your phone is vertical) and that she's not very good at Angry Birds. Wow, anyone who sucks at Angry Birds must suck at life. No wonder your bf is ignoring you. I ignore her too. Eventually my sick Pineapple strat has me all in with pocket threes. I ignore the hand and announce "ship it" on the river when I flip my cards, but somehow lose anyway.
On my way out, I rejoin the list for 1/3 nl. They give me a restaurant-style pager for when a seat opens up, which is convenient and awesome. USA 2 Barona 2. I decide to donk up some table games and wander into the "chipless" section. These tables all have touch screens embedded at each seat that take actions, keep your chip count, give instructions about the game, etc. Sweet, it's like my own personal iPad! Never seen this anywhere else. USA 2 Barona 3. My first hand I misclick tip the dealer $5 and don't realize until she thanks me after the hand. I don't have any chips to shuffle either. Chipless sucks. USA 2 Barona 2.
I sit down at an Ultimate Texas Holdem table and the dealer asks if I know how to play. Pretty sure I post on the same message board as the dude who invented this game and table games are designed to be playable by ******ed monkeys. I'll be fine. Ante same amount as blind, bet sizes decrease after the flop, turn and river dealt at the same time. I have no idea what's going on, but I'm obv winning anyway.
First dealer is cute, her name is spelled S-E-R-A-H. Guess she didn't live up to her parents' hopes for her becoming a stripper. I have no idea what ethnicity she is and decide against asking. She points out that some guy walking around looks like William Hung. She's right, sucks to be that guy.
Next dealer is named Miguel, but his nametag says "Migizzy." Awesome. Miguel is adorned with a bunch of buttons. Some of them are "lucky" animals. Lucky Clam, Lucky Lion, etc. I ask what the best one is. He points to the pit boss, who is wearing:
I want it, and since I'm tipping way more than anyone else, I get it. Serah walks by awhile later and exclaims, "You got a Lucky Zombie button!" I'm "in a hand" and give a distracted response. I win my hand and then realize I just blew a setup from my new wingman. Whatever, I'll recover later. It's time to eat again.
I check my player's card and I've got $10, sounds like a decent meal. Pit boss informs me that I can get food at the table. Sweet, never had that at table games before. USA 2 Barona 3. I ask the server what they have. "Everything." Mexican? "Yes." Good, I'll have a California burrito. "What's that?" Seriously? We're right outside of San Diego and you don't know what a Cali is? (Sidenote: California burritos are available at pretty much every Mexican restaurant in San Diego, of which there are many. They vary a bit, but generally have carne asada, cheese, sour cream, and *key ingredient* fries:
).I describe this to the server, but end up with a poorly wrapped sour cream mess. USA 2 Barona 2.
Before, during, and after lunch, I'm crushing Ultimate Texas Holdem. Dealers and other players keep telling me to bet the "bonus" square (pays when you make big hands). No thanks, fish, I'm not here to make -EV bets. I hit quads twice, but still would have only netted a few extra bucks from betting the bonus square every time. Eventually my pager goes off. 90+ minutes to get a seat at 1/3 nl, this had better be good. Lucky Zombie and I cash out $300ish in profit and head back to the poker room.
Guy who looks like William Hung is at my table, has no social skills, and his bet/check/call are fast, jerky, and awkward. Sucks to be him again.
Some guy ends up all in and I toss him Lucky Zombie. He busts and leaves. Sorry bro, I guess LZ doesn't like you. Some lady comes and asks if she can sit there. No you can't ****ing sit there, Lucky Zombie is sitting there. She takes a different seat and I retrieve Lucky Z. Seat open, bitch.
Seat 9 orders a steak and baked potato, like a boss. When I come back from the little zombies' room, I notice that seat 7 is staring at seat 9 demolishing the meal. Creepy. I sit down in the ocho and seat 7 looks behind me to continue watching seat 9. Super creepy.
I end up in a hand with creepy guy. There's like $0-$100 in the pot and the board is XXX X X rainbow or some ****. Creeper checks, I bet $45 with KQ (air), and he tanks. Just as I'm about to call a clock, he asks "$25?" Lol, no, it's $45! He's definitely folding. He calls. I get owned by ace high.
Seat 1 asks William Hung look alike if he was on American Idol. "Yes, a long time ago." Oh, I guess you really are William Hung. And you're playing 1/3 nl getting harassed by some moron. Sucks to be you even more. Seat 1 asks him to "do the song." William Hung says not right now. New dealer arrives and indicates that he wants us to hit a jackpot hand. Seat 1 says, "Well this guy already hit the jackpot," and winks at William Hung. Congrats s1, you are the new creepy guy.
Live straddle, lots of callers, I pick up black AK in the BB. Muddywater thinks I should raise in this situation, so I do. One caller. Flop is Kxx, all diamonds. No effing around, Lucky Zombie is riding a tower of redbirds into the middle. Villain folds, ship it.
At 5ish I get bored and leave with LZ to go get Serah's number. Final result:
. Note the fiver peeking out at the top right corner.
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