Johnny, just stop.

or just use a cordless, imo.

btw have i played with u OP? we have a home game in sac that a few davis ppl come too, most are 2p2ers

When you sit down, lose the first pot and then take off your shirt. When someone asks what you are doing explain, "You might have beat me on the first round of strip poker but I'll have all you guys naked in 30 minutes or less because I'm the CHAMP!"

When there are 4 cards to a straight on the board. Hold out your hand in front of you and quietly but obviously count to 5. Then ask the dealer if all the cards in straight have the be the same suit

When you win a pot, throw the dealer a 1 dollar chip and ask for change

When someone goes all in and has you covered, get pissed and say "well how can he just go all in like that? Fine." Then grab your wallet and start pulling out money to call the remainder of the bet.

the chip leader was immediately to my left, tanked, and THEN called 2 all ins PF with AA and held, and i asked him wtf?! he actually tried to explain that AA only wins 30% of the time AIPF, it tilted me soooo effin hard. that and the fact that he had like 1/2 the chips in play.. so i guess do what he did, just spit complete bs about percentages with ass-backward logic. or even better, after another hand your not involved in which a person gets coolered hard, just explain to them in numbers where they 'messed' up.

hide a chip behind your ear or down your pants, and the next time you go all-in say "oh hold on a second!", and then pull the chip out.

even better - bring a Leatherass© piss bottle with you and try to urinate in it as discreetly as possible underneath the table.

If anyone looks over at you, shoot them a disgusted look and ask if they have any manners

If you suck out on somebody, as you rake in the chips, stick out your chest and intone: "Get it fixed!"

when your opponent bets 9/10th of the rest of your stack on the river, slowly take a rag out of your pocket and blindfold yourself. Stare straight at him, pause, then announce "I'm all in". In the inevitable pause that follows as the table experience the shock of how stupid what you just did was, grin and anounce a completely random, nonsensicle hand, like "he has king deuce"

I think I know that guy... played with him in Vegas last summer.

if you have two red cards or two black cards in the hole, and the flop brings 3 of that color....go all in, then say dont call i have all reds/blacks

ship it

god this is great. def gunna try

"AK is only a drawing hand." --any time someone has AK or mentions the hand

If you semibluff ai, get called, and end up winning, insist you were a favorite to win the hand. The table coach will freak out. Be as creative as possible when explaining why you were a favorite. "No, no, no, there were two cards left to come and two times 30% is 60%."