So I decided to share some of my personal experiences of my degenerate behavior over the past 10 years. I first posted in the degenerate stories thread but have decided to start my own thread. Due to the fact that I have so many stories and some entertaining ones that do not directly relate to gambling. Even though gambling has been a major part of my life these past 10 years. I hope some of you can enjoy what I share and feel free to ask me to share things as I don't know where to start. I have plenty from alcohol,drugs,girls, and partying stories to violence,crime,craziness, and insanity. Of course many about casino/gambling and some that are just embarrassing or funny. I'm just going to randomly write stories that come to mind so will not be in any specific timeline. Anyway I'm going to re-post my 2 stories from the other thread and get started on another.

I read those stories and definitely look forward to the rest.

Baccarat Run

Last summer I had went down to my local casino for a night of gambling and partying as usual. Something I do about 3 nights a week on average. I called up one of my degen friends who never has money and always loses. We can call him poker jay. Poker jay is about 30 years old and I've known him for about 8 years. I've only seen him win once or twice in the hundreds of trips he has taken with me. What happens is, he in a sense becomes my assistant for $100 gambling stakes. He will carry my bags, run errands, iron my clothes, etc. and I give him a C-note at a time for him to gamble with. Which 91% of the time he doesn't return with. Anyways enough background on poker Jay for now.

So I pick him up and make him drive me down to the casino while I sit in back seat by myself like i'm being chauffeured. I berate him whole drive down about him prepping to book another loss. We pull into hotel valet and I make him open my door for me and grab my bags. We check into a standard 2 queen room, drop bags, and head down to gaming floor. I have a thing where I always hit the same 2 slots for $20 each first thing I do. $5 wheel of fortune machines at 2 credits a spin. First machine air ball both spins, next machine I hit a SPIN for top prize of $1195. Only time I ever hit that amount by the way. I brought about $3k with me so now I had roughly $4k after giving poker Jay his C-note. This win is good considering I have my other gambling buddy James on his way down to meet us and I owe him $3k he lent me prior trip. I had planned on only giving him $1k of it tonight but know I figure I'll give him $2k. So Jay heads off to play 1-5 stud with his $100 and I head to room to shower and get ready for the night.

I get dressed and head downstairs to meet James. He isn't thrilled about only getting $2k but tough ****, he shouldn't have buried me for and extra $3k of his winnings our last trip while I was wasted. So anyway we hit the VIP lounge and start drinking. A few hours of bull**** gambling and getting drunk I only have $1k on me. Poker Jay leaked away his C-note and wanted more but I told him to go **** himself. I think he went upstairs and to bed. James and I end up hitting baccarat table. Macau style of course, because we love to bend the cards and give the Asians a hard time. We go partners at $1k each and I let him drive. 30 mins later we bust and he still has money to play. I can't borrow because I still owe him $1k, so I call him a few names and stagger to the cage.

I take $2k off my debit card and head back to baccarat. I lose half of it betting against my friend and really give him ****. I told him I hope he died on his car ride home and switched to a new baccarat table. I start playing $200-$300 hands and start winning. It is getting late and they stopped serving alcohol at this point so I am sobering up a little. I basically win about 95% of the hands I play. All the asians think i'm magic at this point. I got my bets up to $800-$1000 a hand all while tipping very well. Every time I paid commission, which was like every hand or every other hand I would give the difference to the dealer. So I finally decided to walk with $15,900. A hell of a comeback and win for me.


Its about 5:30 AM and I go to the room and wake up Jay by slapping him in the face with the cash while he is snoring. I tell him to get up and that he is back in action. I give him another $100. He is pumped. We take shots out the mini bar and head back down. We decided to play a little craps but nothing exciting. Broke even and went to the lounge to eat breakfast. I'm getting tired and casino is dead at this time so I decide it's time to get a blow job. So I call up a hooker and have her meet me back at the room. I take another shot and she arrives. About 30 year old decent looking Asian girl speaking broken English. I take her in bathroom while Jay lays in his bed. I give her $100 after she asked me for $200. She stuffs it in her purse and puts a condom on me. 15 mins into it she is complaining about taking to long. I tell her it will be faster if she takes the condom off. She does and 5 mins later I'm done. She leaves and we go to bed.

A few hours later we get up and decide to extend our stay and stay another night to party because Jay knows a server from the casino down the road and she wants to meet up. I'm fine with it, just concerned about how much cash I have on me. So I tell him I will only stay if he locks my money in the car and does not give me the key under ANY circumstance. He agrees and goes down to valet and locks $15k in car leaving me about $700 to have a good time with.

We end up switching to a suite which was easy to obtain with my play the night before. Also works out because another friend of mine is coming down with a friend and a couple girls and he wanted a room. So I just gave him my original 2 queen that I extended. The server Jay knew meets us at about 12PM. We head to the lounge and all start drinking tequila. Nice way to start the day. We dicked around for a bit drinking and gambling and I was down to about $100 left of my $700. Jay had lost his $100 which was no surprise.

It was about 8PM and my other friend had arrived and I gave him his room key,then he and his friends met us for drinks. We were in the lounge and a guy I knew from poker was talking to a host at the entrance of the lounge. She was asking him about me because she seen him sitting with me. She told him that she thinks I'm the same guy that put his hand up a girls dress earlier in the week and had security called on me when the boyfriend seen it. Apparently it was me to find out. Had no recollection of it because I was blacked out. It was the night James buried me for $3k. I guess the girl was cool with it from what I heard. She was my age but had an older sugar daddy that gambled. Anyway I get to talking with this 26 year old host and she seems cool. She says she's tribal and has been working there for 6 years. She's ends up taking me and a couple friends up to the real high roller lounge on one of the top hotel floors. I bull**** with her for a bit while putting down top shelf drinks. She talks to me about my play and ends up giving me her number and said she likes to gamble too. At this point I decide its time to put in some more quality play and track down Jay.

I find him and threaten him until he gives me the money out of the car. I then head directly to the baccarat pit with cash in hand and slap down $15k like i'm a Big-Shot. What a bad idea. I was betting up to $4k some hands, but 3 hours later I was busto. I then take the walk of shame back to the room. Stuff my face with some candy out of the mini-bar and go to bed. Wake up the next morning and take a miserable ride home. Jay doesn't say a word but hey I'm looking forward to meeting up with the host and firing again. But that is another story.

Roulette Fun

This story takes place December 2011. I plan a trip to the casino with my GF and some others. I thought it would be nice to get everyone together for a night on me. So I invite my step-sister and her BF who I do side business with. Also her cousin which is my step fathers nephew and his wife which is a long time friend of my GF. Poker Jay also weaseled his way in. So I head down with my GF and we get to Mohegan Sun at about 6PM. I was comped two regular rooms because of my players club card and check in. I drop bags in room and proceed downstairs with the $2k I brought. Lose my routine $40 shot at slots and head to single-zero roulette wheel.

During this time frame I believe I am a roulette wizard. I win almost every time I play and am up about $25k in past month and a half on roulette. I've only been playing it seriously for 2 months BTW. Good ole beginners luck. So I really believe in dealer signature, number pairing, and where they release ball. So I buy in for $500 in colored nickels. Watch a couple spins and start placing numbers. I play sections and hit right way with $150 spread out for $700. A four chip number. Next couple spins I'm spreading out $300 or so and am breaking even on two chip numbers. Then hit a six chip number for $1050 and take $500 over. Cant remember exact number that just hit, but on the board the last time that number hit, 22 came after. So I loaded up 22 with $155 I think and about $500 total spread out. BANG! 22.. I take $5k over, tip the dealers, and spread the rest of my chips out. Was roughly $1k and I hit a 3 chip number for $525. I tell dealer to color me up for another purple and leave $40 for them. I'm pretty happy with this solid start to the trip.

So now I head to cage to cash in and ask for my $6k in all 20's. Yes twenties, I'm just in that kind of a mood. Wanted to feel like a real Big-Shot. I head over to pick up 4 comp tickets for the Jennifer Lopez show that night and head back to lobby to meet my girl and everyone else who just arrived. Now a little background on my guests. My step-sister and I met in 2005 and hung out for a couple year mostly just on drinking nights. We don't necessarily get along as well anymore. Not sure the reason but she can be very fake. Her BF I've known for close to 2 years since they started dating and he sure knows how to burn money. I believe he blew close to $30k on blackjack and owed money everywhere. I would make money off him by bankrolling his weed plays and juice him on the front. We got along good but things got bad at a certain point about the money he owed me and him not having the weekly payments. Now my step-sisters cousin was a little older than me and I've never really liked him. He always gave off that dirtbag vibe. His wife I went to school with and she was very good friends with my girl. She is nice and we've always got along good. I actually banged her years before. Anyway I give them their room keys for the room they're sharing and flash my winnings. U could see the sour look in the eyes of both guys.

We all head up to the rooms and get unpacked. Then I take them all down to lounge so they can get drinks and eat before show. I also see my host while we are there and I try to give him a Christmas gift of a $200 gift card. Im in the giving mood since my new found gold mine roulette has been so good to me. He tells me policy has changed and he can't accept cash or gift cards. I end up giving it to my GF and tell her to use it for Christmas shopping. Poker Jay finally arrived and calls me looking for a C-note. I meet him, he's off to the 1-5 stud game and I'm off to the room to shower and get dressed while everyone else goes to show.

I get done and my GF and them are still in show so I call up my buddy Chris who lives near casino. I've known him for a couple years and we get along good. I stake him in poker sometimes and we party alot. Overall he's a good guy. So him and Jay meet me back in the room and I get a couple grey goose bottles, carafe of OJ, and a carafe of cranberry sent up. I have Jay set up my stereo and we make drinks. We go downstairs to meet everyone after show and have more drinks. Then the girls separate for dancing and the guys to gamble. After a couple hours of playing like a maniac, I have only $3k left. I lost almost all my profit and gave my step-sisters BF a couple hundred to play with. Everyone had went back to room by now and was going to sleep.

At this point I am determined to win my money back. So only me and Chris left and he is just railing me on a roulette table. I buy in for $1k and am spreading $200 a spin. There is another gentleman on the table who is losing too. Dealer is bricking every spin for us. So like 4th spin I start to root for a number neither of us have as a joke, and when it hits the guy goes insane on me. I basically tell him to relax and if he can't handle losing he shouldn't gamble and laugh it off. He then goes "you think it's funny? I'll kick your ass!". He is older than me and has been drinking and is not a threat. But my buddy Chris jumps up in my defense like hes ready to fight the guy. Creates quite a scene and security comes. Security decides to tell me to leave table and go to my room. There was some favoritism being played, I feel it was the age issue and security automatically assumes we were the problem. Chris ends up getting a 24 hour ejection and is escorted out as he curses at every security guard. They did let him go un-register for a tournament I pre-registered him for the next day. He's gone and I head back to room.


Jay is in one bed sleeping and my GF is in other. I decide this is no fun so I head back downstairs to play blackjack on a table that a girl I've been talking to is dealing at. +$500 and a shoe and a half later security comes up and tells me I'm gone. He states that he told me to return to my room and not come back down. I get a permanent ejection and have my photo taken. They escort me up to my room and I wake Jay and my GF telling them we have to leave. We pack and head down to valet. Its 4am and we all have been drinking so we do not want to take hour ride home. We get room down the street at a Holiday Inn. My girl goes right to bed and me and Jay keep drinking. We take her keys and head down to parking lot to head back to casino to gamble. ******ed yes I know. She calls my phone complaining about us trying to go back and demands we bring car back. She meets us in parking lot and says shes going home. We decide to stay with no car. I call up the dealer I've been talking to and have her meet me at Holiday Inn because she just got off work. I'm drunk and offer her a drink. She declines cause it's daylight out and I end up smashing it anyway. I then ask her for ride back to casino because I figure it will be new security shift. I check into comp room under my own name and head up the elevators. As soon as I turn corner off elevator, one of the lower level security guards who was present earlier is waiting to go down. I tell him I had no place to stay and give him $300 tip. He seems cool about it and lets us go. Twenty minutes later security is at our door. **** gotta go I guess. They seem pretty irritated with me. I try to leave and they hold elevator doors and wait for tribal police. They then held me until state police arrived which gave me a simple trespass citation. Told me not to return and sent me off in a taxi. Well we could go home but **** it I still wanna gamble.

"Take me to the Bellissimo!" I demanded to the cab driver. This is a hotel near the neighboring casino Foxwoods. You might think why I didn't go there in the first place. I'm actually ejected from there at the time too. I check into presidential suite and get a little sleep. That afternoon we wake up and call Chris because we have no car. He comes and meets us. We call the girl dealer and we all hang out. In mean time I'm dealing with phone calls about my GF losing the $200 gift card I gave her and her cell phone missing. Also I am missing a $300 pair of sunglasses I let my step-sisters cousin wear the night before. Eventually I find out he took them home and will give me them. Anyway I have like $2k on me and head to Foxwoods. I dust it off relatively quickly after food and drinks. We head back to room and I decide to call another friend of mine from back home. He comes down to casino to play poker daily so I ask him to pick up $2k from my house and bring it down to me. He arrives a couple hours later.

I head back to Foxwoods and straight to the single-zero wheel but decide to leave the cooler AKA poker Jay in the room. I let Chris play with $300 hoping he would have better luck than me. But he lost and said he was gonna take a walk. I buy in for $700 and about 12 spins later I had $10k in chips. I was relieved. I met Chris to grab a bite to eat then he dropped me back off at the hotel. Went to sleep and the next day Chris gave us a ride back home. Also a side-note, after a month or so of investigating the missing gift card I was given what,where, and when the money was used. I concluded my step-sister had stole it as she spent some of the money off it on her Secret Santa gift selection at our family Christmas. After she spent weeks blaming her cousin and his wife claiming she knew for a fact but not to confront them about it because they gave her the $200 to repay me. Haven't talked to her since.

1) post them in the degen thread
2) keep them coming!

Ok you posted the same two stories you already posted in the degen thread.

I enjoyed the stories but if your gonna start a new thread at least have some new content ready.

BMW Obsession

I have always tried to have a nice car. I am the type that will wash his car daily during the summer time. Well early 2010 I was eligible to re-instate my license after a 3 year suspension for a drug charge, but that is another story. I was really excited as I didn't drive much during that suspension and had sold my cars over that time period. Part of the re-instatement was paying a $500 fee and taking the permit and road test again. I paid the fine and passed my written test so I scheduled my road test. I failed the road test for not cutting my wheel while parked on a hill and using my mirrors to back up along curb. I was supposed to look over my shoulder. The instructor ended up basically saying I was already set in my bad driving habits and that I should pass next time around. Such a miserable feeling waiting 3 years for your license back then failing the road test.

Two months later I was legal as these road test are booked heavily. At this time I am driving a 2000 C-class that a family member is loaning me until I purchase my own vehicle. This whole suspension I have had my heart set on a BMW 745Li. Needs to be Black on Black and has to be loaded while in excellent condition. Being from Massachusetts with the New England weather this is not a very common car in my area. Also they are not cheap if you want it mint with good miles. I haven't held a job since 2004 so a car loan was out of the question. About 5 months prior I had invested a good amount of my money into a future venture with the idea a purchasing a nice car in mind. That venture wasn't moving as quickly as I had hoped. I realize there is a NAPT series coming up at my local casino. So it was time to get lucky.

I wake up out of a blackout from the night before to my alarm going off for 30 mins. I'm like ****, I set my alarm for first event of the series. Can't remember where I went or what I did the night before but I am still drunk. I hop in shower, get dressed, and get on the highway feeling miserable. I throw on sunglasses and down a 5 hour energy. The first event is a modified shoot-out for only $200. Top 3 from 10 person table advance to combined field. I easily advanced as I won every flip in my hangover state. No need for any boring hand details but later that night we were down to 6 and I had monster chip advantage. $10,700 up top and some player were talking deals. I managed to talk them into $10k for me and they can chop the rest. Amazingly they took it. Off to the cage for $10k cash because I don't let them take tax.

Well I feel great about this start and decide to play more events. I don't recall the exact time-line but I played 5 more events. I final tabled 2 of them and cashed in another. One of the final tables, we had made a deal but it was also nice because it was a $200 a head bounty. Which I think I had and extra $2k just in black chips in my pocket. Bottom line is I had been running good and the fields were small and on softer side. My run-good carried over to the cash games. I had made about $15k in the 5-10 NL games that were running during the series. During this time period I wasn't primarily a table game player and focused on poker. I didn't party those 2 weeks so after all was said and done I was able to hang on to the $30k plus I made.

Now it's time to buy my 7-series. Like I said I am very particular about miles, condition, options, and color. There is not many in my area and the ones that fit my description are priced $25k-$30k. So after my sky high insurance is applied, plus tax and other fees I am cutting it very close. I'm making a bad decision as it is, but I decide to shop around the internet. After not much luck I increase my search to 500 miles. Then BANG! Black on Black, 2004 745Li, excellent condition, 1 owner, fully loaded with 68 thousand miles. A beauty sitting in Ohio. I contact the owner who is very business like and owns a local insurance company and try to talk him down off his $22k asking price. After a bit of back and fourth were at $20k. Well I want the car but then I factor in plane tickets to Ohio, lodging, and gas for return. So I decide that he is a good man and am going to take his photos and word on the vehicle to hold up to his claims.
We fax back a bill of sale and some other things then I mail this gentleman a certified check for $20,000. Pretty stupid on my part considering I don't have much recourse. He receives the check and contacts the bank to make sure the check is authentic. Everything checks out and we schedule a car carrier to deliver the vehicle for $280.

A week later in early April it's raining out at about 9am an I receive the call from the truck driver that he is nearby. I'm ecstatic. I meet him and pay the $280 cash and bring the car home. Everything checks out on car and I put it on the road that day. I spent a good 2 hours learning all the buttons and options. If anyone is familiar with a loaded 7-Series they understand what I mean. Everything goes fine for first five months. I learn that maintenance isn't cheap on these cars and now find out there is a small coolant leak. Over the next few months I just continue to top off the coolant. The leak continues to come faster. I research coolant leaks and realize this could be close to an $8k fix because you have to pull the whole engine out to get to it. It finally got so bad that I filled the coolant all the way and the engine started to smoke 10 minutes later because it all just poured out. Now the car is basically shot unless I dump $8k into it because I don't have a warranty. Wait a second I do have a warranty. I have full coverage.

I get in touch with a friend on tough times and tell him I've got a job for him. I told him it pays $200 and he is eager to get it done. All he has to do is crash my car head on into a tree at 35-40mph. So I pick him up and we scout out the location. We do a couple test drives by and pull around for the real one. I get out of car and wait across the street from the tree. It was scary and funny at that same time watching him come ripping down the street, hop the curb, and stop dead on an oak tree. What a sound too. Neighbors came running out to see what happened and if everyone was okay. Airbags went off and car is smoking. He rolls out the driver side door pretty shaky. The car is definitely totaled. I call my girlfriend to come pick me up and the cops show up to do an accident report. I told them I looked down and hit the curb, then hit tree. My friend is complaining about his back and saying he wants to take ambulance that the police offered. I told him to get up that it was a $200 job and that he's not suing my insurance. We both leave once the tow truck arrives.

2 weeks later I receive my insurance check for roughly $20k. That was quick and I didn't mind the brand new Cadillac CTS I had under my rental insurance coverage. So I milked that out as long as I could and started hunting for another 745 because I just don't learn my lesson. During the hunt I lose my license again but that is another story. So lets fast forward to May of 2012. I knew was suspension was ending and had already been searching the internet. The prices on these cars had dropped over past couple years and I wanted another one. Still not eligible for a bank loan so it is a cash option only. I really preferred the body on the 745 compared to the 750 which came in 2006. Also the price and insurance difference leads me to go with a 2005 745Li. Same story as before, all though you can find more in my area at this time only that they are all in really bad shape. But you know what, I feel like i'm a Big Deal and want the 760 package. I need rear-reclining seats, fridge, DVD/entertainment control, heated/cooled/massage seats, and obviously the privacy curtains all in the backseats. Now this is a rare package and also needs to be Black on Black in excellent condition with good miles. I expanded my search all the way to Houston Texas. These cars are more common down there because of all the oil executives who must have been driven around in them when they were first released. I contacted the owner through text and I never haggled the asking price of $17k. This car was perfect, had Lexani 22's and the 4 original 19's. Only problem he said was driver side window wouldn't go down. We talked through text for 2 weeks until I booked my flight to Houston because this time I want to see the car first because I didn't give him as much credibility as the last gentleman.

Its a Sunday night and I am at a local card game. My flight leaves Boston at 630am. I have a rental car and poker Jay with me and decide to just stay up all night and drive straight to the airport. So Jay torches two $100 stakes at the game and I make $400ish. Then we leave to pack a bag for me and hit the turnpike to the airport. I leave him with the rental until I return and get in line to get to the plane. I'm hoping I don't get stuck next to anyone but end up having the one girl I was checking out while waiting for the flight to board in my section which was nice. It was 3 seats and we left the middle open. She seemed pretty nervous about flying as I was too. We talked for a bit, she lived like 45 mins away from me in the sticks and was going to a family members graduation I believe. We had our first layover and we parted paths, I should have got her number but when i'm sober i'm too reserved with those situations. I land in Houston at like 1030am. I am still texting this guy and ask for address to his house so I can take a cab there. Houston is huge by the way. 20 mins into cab ride I ask how much further and they say about an hour and a half. That's it, I have the cab driver pull over off the highway and finally call this guy. I thought he lived in Houston from the ad. I ask him to come meet me with the car because I also need to go to the bank if everything checks out. He said he has to work and tomorrow will work better.

Now i'm in what I would call the Mexican part of Houston on foot and find a Mexican hotel. Hotel is nice and charge me about $200 for a night and make me wait until 4PM check-in. So I wonder the streets and stop for pollo at a Mexican shack. What a different world compared to Mass but i'm cool with it. I don't do to much after I check-in but make phone calls and wonder around the area. The owner of the car prefers I get ride to meet him the next day or wait until his weekend. So I arrange for a cab ride the next morning. I believe I'm quoted at $200. Cab arrives and I check-out. We stop first at a Bank of America branch and get a certified check for $17k and head to his local credit union an hour and a half away.I get there early and sit outside with my roll away luggage bag. I finally see the car pulling in 20 minutes late and walk right over to where he parks. I'm checking out when all of a sudden a cop is yelling at me. He was with the bank supervisor and don't take kindly to large bags being left outside a bank. He wanted to see ID and explain what I was doing. I opened my bag so he could see a laptop and a change of clothes and finally let me go. The only thing that wasn't described about the car was the cracked windshield which he says cost to get fixed but I know in mass that windshield coverage is free with no deductible. So no big deal. We go into the bank and sign paperwork and I am off with my new car. He lets me keep plates to mail back so I can drive.

I pull out of bank very happy and hoping that cops doesn't pull me over. I stop in a parking lot to make phone calls and take pictures off the car. When i'm ready to leave the car won't start. What the ****. I call the guy and he comes to meet me and explained that it was sitting for a while and that when it does, it has troubling starting. I am not happy but whatever I'll get it fixed. He jumps the car with his girlfriends car and I'm off back to Houston. I got in contact with a car carrier and met them in Houston. Weird thing about it was the guy was from where I was from and ended up charging me $400 to bring it home. So I called a cab to take me to the airport and booked and hopped on a flight home. I had a 1 hour layover in Philadelphia and grabbed a bite to eat. I called up my gambling buddy James and told him when to meet me at Bradley. We decided we would head straight to the casino because that's how I roll. Finally landed and we booked a room at Mohegan and were on our way. Can't remember details of that night but think it was a $2k loss, no girls, and a lot of alcohol.

5 days later my car was back in town and I went to pick it up. Was pretty dusty from trip but still amazing. It started just fine and I headed straight to the car wash. I drove with the Texas plates for a few days until I put it on the road here in Mass. Once it was insured I called in a claim saying a rock hit the windshield and they sent a company out to replace it. I got the driver side window fixed and the car ran fine. I was partying alot and driving drunk. I hit a pot hole and cracked a wheel and had to throw the original wheels on which are still nice. I side swiped a guard rail leaving the clubs and called in a claim saying I was parked on the street and a car must have hit it and took off. Got that painted new. When I needed brakes replaced I figured I would save some money because I remembered what the BMW dealership charged. So I had a friend who was a service manager at Ford have them done there. Bad idea because they didn't know how to reset the sensors and brakes were still squeaking. Plus day after they worked on it the car wouldn't start and I had to jump it. I sent it in 2 weeks later to have brakes looked at again. They weren't sure why it was still squeaking and sent me home. Next day again the car wouldn't start after going there. I jumped it and ran an errand. Later that day it wouldn't start again. I jumped it and left it running. I went down to the Italian club where they ran card game to talk to a few people and left my car running while I was inside so it wouldn't die. I got carried away and 40 mins later someone came inside saying that my car was smoking. I ran outside and it sure was. I shut it off and fluids were leaking. I think the radiator was blown and a hose wasn't attached. What the ****. After it cools down I try to start it but it won't. I hook up jumper cables and get it running so I can at least get it home. As soon as the jumper cables were removed it died.

Looks like more money to be invested into this older car that I loved. It was once a $100k+ car. Now it's a money pit that won't start. Well where it was left that night is a bad section. So I lucked out and it was stolen . Insurance paid me $19k about a month later. At the time i'm writing this I am so sick I still want another one. Maybe a 07 or 08 750Li. That's going to have to wait because my license is suspended again, but that's another story.
<photo removed on request of OP>

Sorry took longer than I thought to write this last post. Just got the thread set up first.

1) I can also post them there but definitely want to keep this thread.

2) I will keep them coming, not sure how often because of the time it takes to write them. But I enjoy it so I will keep it up.

lol woowww thats some crazy ****

bookmarked

Lol at BMW story.

Sorry I came off harsh in my first post. Look forward to the next.

Cool stories, enjoying them, moar please

I aprove

Great stories man

going to become classic...give him his very own everything...he can Mod it and all!!!

Overweight & Confused


Alright so I've had this off and on friend since I was 13. His name is Mike and he is pretty average. Had ADHD as a kid and got into some problems. We lived near each other so we hung out alot. He pretty much tailed along for whatever I was doing but he was very funny. Always had a good sense of humour and was able to make everyone laugh over nothing. I have so many stories about him but I'm just giving a little background for this one.

So we had gone about 4 years not talking. He had moved to Florida and got married. He was always into drugs but I guess he got into the oxy's and percocets pretty bad while down there. Don't know all the details but feel he destroyed everything he had going down there and had police looking for him as well as drug dealers he owed money to. About summer of 2009 he had fled back up to Mass. We ended up back in contact somehow and he was definitely different. It seemed like he hadn't changed in the past 4 years. He was like a blast from the past. He seemed totally oblivious to any news events or changes that had happened. He was in a stooper. He was still listening to Eminem for gods sake. Anyway we got to talking and he was looking for a place to live. I had a 3 bedroom house and no roommates so I eventually told him he could move in. Now as far as his wife and daughter went, they were heading to a shelter. His wife was a dope head too. I guess the shelter plan was a shortcut to a free place to live on welfare. If you were in a shelter with a child you get bumped to the top off the list. He had no problem with this as it shows his kind of character.

So he shows up at my door with 3 trash bags mostly filled with clothes. He was so shot he showed me a pair of Nikes bragging about them. I'm not sure if anyone is familiar, but they were the old Nike's that said AIR in big bubble letters along the outside of the sneaker. Well I sent him down to the basement in the spare room to unpack. One of the big reasons I wanted him around was so he could drive me around while my license was suspended. I had a Maxima I let him drive.

So we got right back into it. Partying and casino trips. He was having a great time while his wife and daughter were in a shelter. He wasn't used to the way I threw around money at this time and was enjoying every minute of it. I did make him compensate by providing takeout food daily. He would hustle every restaurant within 15 mile radius. He would call during the day and get the day shift managers name then call at night and tell a story about an order that they had messed up previously and then drop the day shift manager name saying that they allowed the same 2 meals comped. It worked everytime no matter where he went. He would do it to young kids working drive-thrus. Never a problem. Like I said there is many stories about him but I'm going to isolate just this one.

Maybe a month prior to him moving in I had went out for the night and ended up at a friends for the after party. I was drinking and playing blackjack. Mostly everyone was doing coke. One of the girls I invited back to the party that I had met at the bar was having a good time. She was good looking and my plan was to get her back to my house. Everything seemed cool until she did coke, then she got pretty paranoid and weird. I ended up making fun of her and she had her friend bring her home. Her friend ended up coming back and I was pretty drunk at this point and got a blowjob from the friend. Not proud of this being that this girl was HUGE. So big she shouldn't even be allowed out in these scenarios. It's not fair to us guys. Fat girls love to suck dick and it's embarrassing when u get drunk and let it happen. She then left and ended up friend requesting me on Myspace.

Okay so were 3 weeks into Mike living with me and just sitting at home on a Wednesday night. I get a message on Myspace from this fat girl at about 11 at night. She must be drunk and wants to meet up. I guess she's in the mood to suck dick. So I look at Mike on the couch and say "Hey you want to get laid?". He seems real confused but i'm like i'm serious and tell him a girl wants to come over. He's under the influence of some sort of opiate and says okay. But he doesn't understand how he's going to get laid if she wants to see me. I tell him I am going to dress him as me and she will never know the difference considering she was drunk when she met me and drunk now. Now Mike and I are basically same height, weight, eye color, and skin tone. I was notorious for head bands during this time period, so I threw one of mine on him. I gave him my watch and necklace and a pair of basketball shorts and a t-shirt. Looked fine to me.

In the meantime I got him on my cell phone giving her directions to my house letting her get accustomed to his voice all while he has no idea what she looks like. You have to remember I pretty much own this kid. He does whatever I say because he lives with me for free and has nothing. I tell him the plan is to take her downstairs and start hooking up with her and I will come in and join because he seems very nervous. We take a few shots as I am dying of amusement to myself. I also tell him I am placing my camcorder down there to get all this greatness on tape. So I setup my camcorder with the night vision on and tell him to just leave lights off and leave music on loud. There is a few blacklights so its not pitch black.

She arrives and I hide in my room. They start talking and she can't tell the difference. I'm in my room trying to hold back the laughs. He tells her to sit in the living room and he comes to my room and is quietly like "WTF she's huge". I got mad and told him don't **** this up and get back out there that I will be out shortly as soon as he started hooking up with her. He then takes her down to his room and gets to work. I finally creep down the stairs and see the sight of this whale riding him. It looks like he's on a thrill ride and holding on for dear life waiting for my entrance. I am dying but they cant hear because the music is on. Well I head back upstairs and take another shot or two. He finally comes up and was like "why didn't you come down?". He couldn't take it and shot his load. I said alright give me the headband. I put it on and went downstairs. I walked in while she was getting dressed and made small talk. She couldn't tell the difference. I asked her for a blowjob and she was surprised that I was already ready for one. Well she finished blowing me and I went back upstairs and gave him the headband back. I told him to escort her out. He did and she never knew the difference.

Video (NSFW):


I edited myself out of this video long ago due to her weight and the embarrassment

I don't usually do this but.
well done OP

god man that heffa bending over infront of the camera at the end i threw my sandwich at the computer screen for reals

post vid or it didnt happen

Keep 'em coming OP. You sir, are a true degen sicko.

OMG, click the pic to see the video. ROFL.

Op is a boss

oh my that is one large female

looking forward to you posting more of this type of thing

Family Toys

This is going to be a quick horrid tale about Mike from the previous story. Were going back to 2001 on this one. You just can't ever forget nights like these. Its May 23rd I believe, and I think I have that right because it is Mike's Birthday. He is turning 17 and is ready to party. So we get together with my long time friend Wins. Were going to call him Wins not because he gambles and wins, but because it's a way to shorten his last name and I guess he likes it. Now Wins and I are pretty much known for being out of control, fighting, getting drunk, etc.. So of course we have to have matching girlfriends at the time. Sure we find two girls comparable to us which is a guaranteed **** show or your money back. So all 5 of us usually hang out together. Makes sense because all 5 of us have dropped out of high school and have nothing better to do than get drunk and tear **** up.

So we start the night by all of us 17-18 year olds heading to the package store to steal alcohol. We all agree on Ice 101 because we want to get ****ed up and its 101 proof. I think Wins girlfriend actually makes the grab and were off. Now Mike definitely doesn't come from money or class, so we return to his mothers trailer. She's pretty ghetto and I think she inherited this family jewel from a deceased parent. Well she's gone for the weekend and we got it all to ourselves.

Night starts off pretty standard. We are all taking shots of the Ice 101. Let me say prior to this Mike has generally been a beer guy, so this was a huge leap for him. But remember it's his Birthday and he wants to get ****ed up. About and hour or two into him downing shots he's going unconscious. So the four of us are all pretty drunk and laughing about it. When we were young we all assumed for some reason that sticking someone in the shower was the remedy. We help/drag Mike to his shower and get him down to his boxers. We get him in the shower all while he mumbles "It's cold". This all seems pretty funny and we finally get him to his room and flop him on his bed.

Now it's time to really have fun we think. We start to tear the place up. We order porn on the cable box, get frozen pizzas still in the box into oven to cook, and go through all the closets and drawers. JACKPOT! We find a giant dildo with the kung-fu grip in his mothers room. We are dying hysterically. His mother looks like bull dyke shot caller in prison by the way. So we always have jokes about his mom. Night starts to taper off and I'm falling asleep. But not the same for our crazy girlfriends. Wins dates Gianna and I'm dating this girl Heather. They decide its time to terrorize Mike. First they start with taking his only Birthday gift which is a can of shaving cream. As you recall Mike doesn't come from money. He is still passed out. Like coma passed out. They decide to make a Birthday cake out of his ass. While he lays on his stomach in a coma on his bed they pull his wet boxers off. They spray shaving cream all over it and use cigarette butts from the ashtray as candles.

This is not enough for these two twisted broads. They really up the stakes and get his mothers dildo. The monster one with the grip. They then try to penetrate him and giggle like little school girls. They wake Wins up to show him and he thinks it's funny too. Story has it that with all the shaving ream lube that they definitely broke the plane a few times. He would fart and it would slide back out. You may think how could someone sleep through this, but alcohol poisoning is a very strong thing. Now this is 2001 and camera phones weren't around yet so the girls decide to run out and look for a 24 hour CVS to buy a disposable camera. Something this great you need pictures for. As I'm writing this I'm thinking how perfect it would be if I had a photo, but they couldn't find anywhere open.

They return about an hour after searching and still go back for more. That hour lapse has sobered Mike up out of coma state to passed out. When they tried to insert again he woke up. I'm not sure if he knew what was going on when he awoke, but I awoke to the girls running down the trailer to the bedroom I was sleeping in being chased by him. He was mumbling about I'll kill you bitches, but me and Wins held him back. We decided we should leave at that point and we all got in my car. I remember me being mad at them for it and Heather my Girlfriend sitting in the backseat kicking me in the back of the head as I was driving. Gianna was restraining her and Wins was laughing. Wins and I did make sure to show back up at his trailer that next afternoon to abuse and needle him about his night. Those jokes ran strong for a long time. He was a mamma's boy, they had a special bond.